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University  of  California  •  Berkeley 


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Dean  and  Mrs.  Knowles  Ryerson 


Digitized  by  tine  Internet  Archive 

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littp://www.archive.org/details/bookofetiqladiesOOIiartricli 


THE 


LADIES'   BOOK  OF    ETIQUETTE, 


AND 


MANUAL  OF  POLITENESS. 


A  CQNPLETE  HAND  BOOK  FOR  THE  USE  OF  THE  LADY  IN  POLITE  SOCIETY. 


wxthh  diukotioks  for  correct  vaxxers,  dress,  deportkent,  avd  coy-> 

▼xkhamon;    rhlbs  for  tbis  duties  of  boto  hostess  avd  guest 

IN  morning  rkceptioks,  dinner  companies,  TISITINO,  £Vliir- 

UiO   PARTIES  and  balls;   A  COMPLETE  GUIDE   FOR  ItSt- 
TKR  WRITING  AND  CARDS  OF  COMPLIMENT;   HIHTf 
OX    MANAGING   SERVANTS,  ON  THE  PRESKB- 
▼ATION   OF   HEALTH,   AND   OK  AC- 
COMPLISHMENTS. 


OSBFDL    RRCKIPTS    FOR  THE  COMPLEXION,   HAIR,  AND  WITH  HXHTl 
AMD  DIRECTIONS  FOB  THE  CARE  OF  THE  WARDROBE. 


BT 

FLORENCE  HARTLEY, 

AITTHOB  or  THX  "  LADIES*  BAND  BOOK  OF  FANCY  AND  ORNAMENTAL  WORE." 


BOSTON: 

LEE    AND    SHEPARD,    PUBLISHERS. 

NEW   YORK: 
LEE,  SHEPARD,  AND  DILLINGHAM. 


Batered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1873^ 

By  J.  S.  LOCKE  &  CO. 

1§%  tfat  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress  at  Washingm. 


INTRODUCTION. 


In  prcpaiing  a  book  of  etiquette  for  ladies,  I  would  lay  down 
•5  the  first  r  lie,  "  Do  unto  others  as  you  would  others  6  riould 
dfl  to  yon "  You  can  never  be  rude  if  you  bear  the  rule 
always  in  mind,  for  what  lady  likes  to  be  treated  rudely? 
True  Christian  politeness  will  always  be  the  result  of  an  un- 
selfish regard  for  the  feelings  of  others,  and  though  you  may 
err  in  the  ceremonious  points  of  etiquette,  you  will  never  be  im^ 
polite. 

Politeness,  founded  upon  such  a  rule,  becomes  the  expression, 
in  graceful  manner,  of  social  virtues.  The  spirit  of  politeness 
consists  in  a  certain  attention  to  forms  and  ceremonies,  which 
are  meant  botH  to  please  others  and  ourselves,  and  to  make 
others  pleased  with  us ;  a  still  clearer  definition  may  be  given 
by  saying  that  politeness  is  goodness  of  heart  put  into  daily 
practice ;  there  can  be  no  true  politeness  without  kindness, 
purity,  singleness  of  heart,  and  sensibilit5^ 

Many  believe  that  politeness  is  but  a  mask  worn  in  the  world 
to  conceal  bad  passions  and  impulses,  and  to  make  a  show  of 
possessing  virtues  not  really  existing  in  the  heart ;  thus,  that 
politeness  is  merely  hypocrisy  and  dissimulation.  Do  not  be- 
lieve this ;  be  certain  that  those  who  profess  such  a  loctrino 
are  practising  themselves  the  deceit  they  condemn  so  much 

Such  people  scout  politeness,  because,  to  be  truly  a  lady  on» 

3 


4  INTEODUCTION. 

must  cany  the  principles  into  every  circumstance  of  life,  inU 
the  family  circle,  the  most  intimate  friendship,  and  never  forget 
to  extend  the  gentle  courtesies  of  life  to  every  one.  This  they 
find  too  much  trouble,  and  so  deride  the  idea  of  being  polit-e 
and  call  it  deceitfulness. 

True  politeness  is  the  language  of  a  good  heart,  and  those 
possessing  that  heart  will  never,  under  any  circumstances,  be 
rude.  They  may  not  enter  a  crowded  saloon  gracefully  ;  they 
may  be  entirely  igrorant  of  the  forms  of  good  s(  Jiety ;  they  may 
be  awkward  at  table,  un grammatical  in  speech ;  but  they  will 
never  be  heard  speaking  so  as  to  wound  the  feelings  of  another ; 
they  will  never  be  seen  making  others  uncomfortable  by  seek- 
ing solely  for  their  own  personal  convenience  ;  they  will  always 
endeavor  to  set  every  one  around  them  at  ease ;  they  will  be 
scU'-sacrificing,  friendlj^  unselfish ;  truly  in  word  and  dead, 
polite.  Give  to  such  a  woman  the  knowledge  of  the  forms  and 
customs  of  society,  teach  her  how  best  to  show  the  gentle 
courtesies  of  life,  and  you  have  a  laJi/,  created  by  God,  only 
indebted  for  the  outward  polish  to  the  world. 

It  is  true  that  society  demands  this  same  unselfishness  and 
courtesy,  but  when  there  is  no  heart  in  the  work,  the  time  is 
frittered  away  on  the  mere  ceremonies,  forms  of  etiquette,  and 
fustoms  of  society,  and  this  politeness  seeks  only  its  own  ends ; 
.o  be  known  as  courteous,  spoken  of  as  lady-like,  and  not  be- 
loved as  unselfish  and  womanly. 

Etiquette  exists  in  some  form  in  all  countries,  has  existed 
and  will  exist  in  all  ages.  From  the  rudest  savage  who  dares 
not  approach  his  ignorant,  barbaroas  ruler  without  certain 
forms  and  ceremonies,  to  the  most  polished  courts  in  Europe,  or 
the  home  circles  of  America,  etiquette  reigns. 

True  politeness  will  be  found,  its  basis  in  the  human  heart, 
the  same  in  all  these  varied  scenes  and  situations,  but  the  out- 
ward forms  of  etiquette  will  vary  everywhere.  Even  in  the 
same  scene,  time  will  alter  every  form,  and  render  the  exquisite 
polish  of  last  year,  obsolete  rudeness  next  year. 

Politeness,  being  based  upon  real  kindness  of  heart,  cannot 
iXLst  where  there  is  selfishness  or  brutality  to  warp  its  growth. 


«  INTRODUCTION. 

It  IS  founded  upon  love  of  the  neighbor,  and  a  desire  to  be  be 
loved,  and  to  show  love.  Thus,  where  such  pure,  noble  feel- 
ings do  not  exist,  the  mere  forms  of  politeness  become  hy- 
pocrisy and  deceit. 

Rudeness  will  repel,  where  courtesy  would  attract  friends. 

Never  by  word  or  action  notice  the  defects  of  another ;  be 
charitable,  for  all  need  charity.  Remember  who  said,  "  liCt 
liim  that  is  without  fault  cast  the  first  stone."  Remember  that 
the  laws  of  politeness  require  the  consideration  of  the  feelings 
of  other-j ;  the  endeavor  to  make  every  one  feel  at  ease  ;  and 
frank  courtesy  towards  all.  Never  meet  rudeness  in  others 
with  rudeness  upon  J'our  own  part;  even  the  most  brutal 
and  impolite  will  be  more  shamed  by  being  met  with  courtesy 
and  kindness,  than  by  any  attempt  to  annoy  them  by  insolence 
on  your  part. 

Politeness  forbids  any  display  of  resentment.  The  polished 
Burface  throws  back  the  arrow. 

Remember  that  a  favor  becomes  doubly  valuable  if  granted 
with  courtesy,  and  that  the  pain  of  a  refusal  may  be  softened 
if  the  manner  expresses  polite  regret. 

Kindness,  even  to  the  most  humble,  will  never  lose  anything 
by  being  ofiered  in  a  gentle,  courteous  manner,  and  the  most 
common-place  action  will  admit  of  grace  and  ease  in  its  exccu- 
tioQ. 

Let  every  action,  while  it  is  finished  in  strict  accordance 
with  etiquette,  be,  at  the  same  time,  easy,  as  if  dictated  solely 
by  the  heart. 

To  be  truly  polite,  remember  you  must  be  polite  at  all  times, 
•nd  under  all  circumstauces. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  L 

riti 

^>BTBB8ATI0V*««MM«*  ••••••••••••«•••••«•••*••••••••••••••••  ••••••••••••••   «••*•••  »•     U 

CHAPTER  IL 
DSK88m*»«»«««««m««**  ••••••••••••••••••••>••••■••«•••••••••«•••••••••••••••  •#■••••••••••••     SJ 


CHAPTER  IIL 

XXATSUHCIc  ••••••  ••••••  •••••■•••  •••«••  •••••••••  ••••••••••••  •••••••••  ••••••  •  »««»»«»>  ••••••     Ml 

CHAPTER  IV. 

How  TO  BXHATS  AT  JL  HOTXL. m— .mm— •••<••. mm*  .  mm     41 

CHAPTER  V. 
Btxxixo  Pabtizs— Etiquette  for  the  Ho8te8f....M.M...MMM«..MMMMM:M    44 

CHAPTER  VL 
iTzimro  Partus— Etiquette  for  the  Qae8t............M.MM..MMMM«MM..    14 

CHAPTER  VIL 
V^sxTiHG— Btiqnette  for  the  Hostesi • mm.mmmm    M 

CHAPTER  VIIL 

Vmnvo— Etiquette  for  the  Quest.. m...m  m..mm.m^m MMMMt    64 

T 


S  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  IX. 
MoBXiNG  Receptions  or  Calls — Etiquetto  for  the  Hostess ..>..    76 

CHAPTER  X. 
MoaxixG  Recsptioks  or  Calls — Etiquette  for  the  Caller....... ..........    81 

CHAPTER  XL 
pDnrxR  CouPAHT— Etiquette  for  the  Hostess..... ,«........    87 

CHAPTER  XII. 
DnnrKB  Coicpaht — Etiquette  for  the  Guest »..•<« .mm....    97 

CHAPTER  XIII. 
Table  Etiquetts 105 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
CoimvcT  nr  the  Street.. 109 

CHAPTER  XV. 
LiTTBB  WRimro.. m..............  ......  116 


CHAPTER  XVL 
PouTB  Deportment  and  good  Habits 141 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

CoHDVCT  XH  Chubcb .»    154 

CHAPTER  XVIIL 
Ball  boom  Etiquette — For  the  Hostess ...»..••» 158 

CHAPTER  XIX. 
Sa&Ii  BOOM  Etiqttettb — For  the  Guest 166 

CHAPTER  XX. 
(^CBS  or  Amvibmbvt... .....^.. .;;..;...;..; i....v..«  >«•.  171 


CONTENTS.  9 

CHAPTER  XXL 

4CC0MPLISnUKNTS « .... ...  17i 

CHAPTER  XXII. 
Rbrtants 2SS 

CHAPTER  XXIIL 
Om  A  foniro  Ladt's  Conduct  when  coktemplatino  Marriaob 2H 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 
Bkidal  Etiquktts 259 


CHAPTER  XXV. 
HiHTS  ON  Health .«^..........  364 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 

IClSCELLANXOUS ^......m....   S8S 

RECEIPTS. 
Fob  tu  Compleziov,  Ao ..••..•..*  ..^..^.m— .—  ».m.m.......  tiS 


LADIES'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE 


CHAPTER  I. 


CONVERSATION. 


The  art  of  conversation  consists  in  the  exercise  of  two 
fine  qualities.  You  must  originate,  and  jou  must  sym- 
pathize ;  you  must  possess  at  the  same  time  the  habit  of 
communicating  and  of  listening  attentively.  The  union 
is  rare  but  irresistible.  None  but  an  excessively  ill-bred 
person  will  allow  her  attention  to  wander  from  the  per- 
son with  whom  she  is  conversing;  and  especially  she  "will 
never,  while  seeming  to  be  entirely  attentive  to  her  com- 
panion, answer  a  remark  or  question  made  to  another 
person,  in  another  group.  Unless  the  conversation  be 
general  among  a  party  of  friends,  confine  your  remarks 
and  attention  entirely  to  the  person  with  whom  you  are 
conversing.  Steele  says,  "  I  would  establish  but  one 
great  general  rule  in  conversation,  which  is  this-  -th^^ 
people  should  not  talk  to  please  themselves,  but  tnose 
who  hear  them.     This  would  make  them  consider  whethei 

11 


12  LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

what  they  speak  be  worth  hearing;  whether  there  be 
either  wit  or  sense  in  what  they  are  about  to  say ;  and 
whether  it  be  adapted  to  the  time  when,  the  place  where, 
and  the  person  to  whom,  it  is  spoken." 

Be  careful  in  conversation  to  avoid  topics  which  may 
be  supposed  to  have  any  direct  reference  to  events  or 
circumstances  which  may  be  painful  for  your  companion 
to  hoar  discussed ;  you  may  unintentionally  start  a  sub- 
ject which  annoys  or  troubles  the  friend  with  whom  you 
may  be  conversing ;  in  that  case,  do  not  stop  abruptly, 
when  you  perceive  that  it  causes  pain,  and,  above  all,  do 
not  make  the  matter  worse  by  apologizing ;  turn  to  an- 
other subject  as  soon  as  possible,  and  pay  no  attention 
to  the  agitation  your  unfortunate  remark  may  have  ex- 
cited. Many  persons  will,  for  the  sake  of  appearing 
witty  or  smart,  wound  the  feelings  of  another  deeply ; 
avoid  this ;  it  is  not  only  ill-bred,  but  cruel. 

Remember  that  having  all  the  talk  sustained  by  one 
person  is  not  conversation ;  do  not  engross  all  the  atten- 
tion yourself,  by  refusing  to  allow  another  person  an  op- 
portunity to  speak,  and  also  avoid  the  other  extreme  of 
total  silence,  or  answering  only  in  monosyllables. 

If  your  companion  relates  an  incident  or  tells  a  story, 
be  very  careful  not  to  interrupt  her  by  questions,  even 
if  you  do  not  clearly  understand  her;  wait  until  she  has 
finished  her  relation,  and  then  ask  any  questions  you  may 
desire.  There  is  nothing  more  annoying  than  to  be  so 
int:;rrupted.  I  have  heard  a  story  told  to  an  impertinent 
listener,  which  ran  in  this  way  : — 

**  I  saw  a  fearful  sight — ** 

"When?" 


CONVERSATION.  13 

"I  was  about  to  tell  you;  last  Monday,  on  the  train — " 

"What  train?" 

"  The  train  from  B .    We  were  near  the  bridge—" 

,   "What  bridge?" 

"  I  will  tell  you  all  about  it,  if  you  will  only  let  me 
epeak.     I  was  coming  from  B " 

"  Last  Monday,  did  you  say  ?" 
and  so  on.     The  story  was  interrupted  at  every  sentence, 
and  the  relator  condemned  as  a  most  tedious  story-teller, 
when,  had  he  been  permitted  to  go  forward,  he  would 
have  made  the  incident  interesting  and  short. 

Never  interrupt  any  one  who  is  speaking.  It  is  very 
ill-bred.  If  you  see  that  a  person  to  whom  you  wish  to 
speak  is  being  addressed  by  another  person,  never  speak 
until  she  has  heard  and  replied;  until  her  conversation 
with  that  person  is  finished.  No  truly  polite  lady  ever 
breaks  in  upon  a  conversation  or  interrupts  another 
speaker. 

Never,  in  speaking  to  a  married  lady,  enquire  for  her 
hushandy  or,  if  a  gentleman,  ask  for  his  wife.  The  ele- 
gant way  is  to  call  the  absent  party  by  their  name ;  ask 
Mr.  Smith  how  Mrs  Smith  is,  or  enquire  of  Mrs.  Jones 
for  Mr.  Jones,  but  never  for  "your  husband"  or  "your 
wife."  On  the  other  hand,  if  you  are  married,  never 
speak  of  your  husband  as  your  "lord,"  "husband,"  or 
"good  man,"  avoid,  also,  unless  amongst  relatives,  call- 
ing him  by  his  Christian  name.  If  you  wish  others  to 
respect  him,  show  by  speaking  of  him  in  respectful  terms 
that  you  do  so  yourself.  If  either  your  own  husband  or 
your  friend's  is  in  the  army  or  navy,  or  can  claim  the 
Dr.,  Prof.,  or  any  other  prefix  to  his  name,  there  is  no 


14  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

impropriety  in  speaking  of  him  as  the  colonel,  doctor 
or  whatever  his  title  may  be. 

It  is  a  mark  of  ill-breeding  to  use  French  phrases  or 
words,  unless  you  are  sure  your  companion  is  a  French 
scholar,  and,  even  then,  it  is  best  to  avoid  them.  Above 
all,  io  not  use  any  foreign  word  or  phrase,  unless  you 
hav2  the  language  perfectly  at  your  command.  I  heard 
a  lady  once  use  a  Spanish  quotation  ;  she  had  mastered 
that  one  sentence  alone ;  but  a  Cuban  gentleman,  de- 
lighted to  meet  an  American  who  could  converse  with 
him  in  his  own  tongue,  immediately  addressed  her  in 
Spanish.  Embarrassed  and  ashamed,  she  was  obliged 
to  confess  that  her  knowledge  of  the  language  was  con- 
fined to  one  quotation. 

Never  anticipate  the  point  or  joke  of  any  anecdote 
told  in  your  presence.  If  yon  have  heard  the  story  be- 
fore, it  may  be  new  to  others,  and  the  narrator  should 
always  be  allowed  to  finish  it  in  his  own  words.  To  take 
any  sentence  from  the  mouth  of  another  person,  before 
he  has  time  to  utter  it,  is  the  height  of  ill-breeding. 
Avoid  it  carefully. 

Never  use  the  phrases,  "What-d-ye  call  it,"  "Thin- 
gummy," "What's  his  name,"  or  any  such  substitutes 
for  a  proper  name  or  place.  If  you  cannot  recall  the 
names  you  wish  to  use,  it  is  better  not  to  tell  the  story 
or  incident  connected  with  them.  No  lady  of  high 
beeding  will  ever  use  these  substitutes  in  conversation. 

Be  careful  always  to  speak  in  a  distinct,  clear  voice ; 
ftt  the  same  time  avoid  talking  too  loudly,  there  is  a  happy 
medium  between  mumbling  and  screaming.  Strive  to 
attain  it. 


CONVERSATION.  15 

Overlook  the  deficiencies  of  others  when  conversing 
with  them,  as  they  may  be  the  results  of  ignorance,  and 
impossible  to  correct.  Never  pain  another  person  by 
correcting,  before  others,  a  word  or  phrase  mispronounced 
or  ungrammatically  constructed.  If  your  intimacy  will 
allow  it,  speak  of  the  fault  upon  another  occasion,  kindly 
and  privately,  or  let  it  pass.  Do  not  be  continually 
watching  for  faults,  that  you  may  display  your  OAvn  su- 
perior wisdom  in  correcting  them.  Let  modesty  and 
kind  feeling  govern  your  conversation,  as  other  rules  of 
life.  If,  on  the  other  hand,  your  companion  uses  worda 
or  expressions  which  you  cannot  understand,  do  not  af- 
fect knowledge,  or  be  ashamed  of  your  ignorance,  but 
frankly  ask  for  an  explanation. 

In  conversing  with  professional  gentlemen,  never 
question  them  upon  matters  connected  with  their  em- 
ployment. An  author  may  communicate,  voluntarily,  in- 
formation interesting  to  you,  upon  the  subject  of  his 
works,  but  any  questions  from  you  would  be  extremely 
rude.  If  you  meet  a  physician  who  is  attending  a 
friend,  you  may  enquire  for  their  progress,  but  do  not 
expect  him  to  give  you  a  detailed  account  of  the  disease 
and  his  manner  of  treating  it.  The  same  rule  applies 
to  questioning  lawyers  about  their  clients,  artists  on 
their  paintings,  merchants  or  mechanics  of  their  several 
branches  of  business.  Professional  or  business  men, 
when  with  ladies,  generally  wish  for  miscellaneous  sub- 
jects of-  conversation,  and,  as  their  visits  are  foi  recrea- 
tion, they  will  feel  excessively  annoyed  if  obliged  to 
*'talk  shop."  Still  many  men  can  converse  on  no  other 
subject  than  their  every  day  employment.     In  this  case 


16  LADIES'    BOOK   OF   ETIQUEITE. 

listen  politely,  and  show  your  interest..    You  will  proba* 
bly  gain  useful  information  in  such  conversation. 

Never  question  the  veracity  of  any  statement  made 
in  general  conversation.  If  you  are  certain  a  statement 
is  false,  and  it  is  injurious  to  another  person,  who  may 
be  absent,  you  may  quietly  and  courteously  inform  tho 
speaker  that  he  is  mistaken,  but  if  the  falsehood  is  of 
no  consequence,  let  it  pass.  If  a  statement  appears 
monstrous,  but  you  do  not  hnow  that  it  is  false,  listen, 
but  do  not  question  its  veracity.  It  may  be  true,  though 
it  strikes  you  as  improbable. 

Never  attempt  to  disparage  an  absent  friend.  It  is 
the  height  of  meanness.  If  others  admire  her,  and  you 
do  not,  let  them  have  their  opinion  in  peace ;  you  will 
probably  fail  if  you  try  to  lower  her  in  their  esteem,  and 
gain  for  yourself  the  character  of  an  ill-natured,  envious 
person. 

In  conversing  with  foreigners,  if  they  speak  slight 
ingly  of  the  manners  of  your  country,  do  not  retort 
rudely,  or  resentfully.  If  their  views  are  wronrj,  con- 
verse upon  the  subject,  giving  them  frankly  your  views, 
but  never  retaliate  by  telling  them  that  some  custom  of 
their  own  country  is  worse.  A  gentleman  or  lady  of 
true  refinement  will  always  give  your  words  candid  con- 
sideration, and  admit  that  an  American  may  possibly 
know  the  customs  of  her  country  better  than  they  do, 
and  if  your  opponent  is  not  well-bred,  jour  rudeneza 
will  not  improve  his  manners.  Let  the  convn^rsation 
upon  national  subjects  be  candid,  and  at  the  same  time 
«ourteDus,  and   leave  him   to   think  that   the  la  ins  in 


CONVERSATION.  Vi 

America  are  well-bred,  however  much  he  may  dislike 
some  little  national  peculiarity. 

Avoid,  at  all  times,  mentioning  subjects  or  incidents 
that  can  in  any  way  disgust  your  hearers.  Many  persons 
will  enter  into  the  details  of  sicknesses  which  should  be 
mentioned  only  when  absolutely  necessary,  or  describe 
the  most  revolting  scenes  before  a  room  full  of  people,  or 
even  at  table.  Others  speak  of  vermin,  noxious  plants, 
or  instances  of  uncleanliness.  All  such  conversation  or 
allusion  is  excessively  ill-bred.  It  is  not  only  annoying, 
but  absolutely  sickening  to  some,  and  a  truly  lady-like 
person  will  avoid  all  such  topics. 

I  cannot  too  severely  censure  the  habit  of  using  sen- 
tences which  admit  of  a  double  meaning.  It  is  not  only 
ill-bred,  but  indelicate,  and'  no  person  of  true  refinement 
will  ever  do  it.  If  you  are  so  unfortunate  as  to  converse 
with  one  who  uses  such  phrases,  never  by  word,  look,  or 
sign  show  that  you  understand  any  meaning  beyond  the 
plain,  outspoken  language. 

Avoid  always  any  discussion  upon  religious  topics, 
unless  you  are  perfectly  certain  that  your  remarks  can- 
not annoy  or  pain  any  one  p^'esent.  If  you  are  tete-^- 
t6te  with  a  friend,  and  such  a  discussion  arise,  inquire 
your  companion's  church  and  mention  your  own,  that 
you  may  yourself  avoid  unpleasant  remarks,  and  caution 
him. 

Never,  when  advancing  an  opinion,  assert  positively 
that  a  thing  "w  so,*'  but  give  your  opinion  as  an  opin- 
ion. Say,  "  I  think  this  is  so,"  or  '*  these  are  wzy  views," 
but  remember  that  your  companion  may  be  better  in- 
formed upon  the  subject  under  discussion,  or,  where  it  is 


18  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

a  mere  matter  of  taste  or  feeling,  do  not  expect  mat  al] 
the  world  ■will  feel  exactly  as  you  do. 

Never  repeat  to  a  person  with  whom  you  converse,  any 
unpleasant  speech  you  may  have  heard  concerning  her. 
If  you  can  give  her  pleasure  by  the  repetition  of  a  deli- 
cate compliment,  or  token  of  approval  shown  by  a  mutual 
friend,  tell  her  the  pleasant  speech  or  incident,  but  do 
not  hurt  her  feelings,  or  involve  her  in  a  quarrel  by  tho 
repetition  of  ill-natured  remarks. 

Amongst  well-bred  persons,  every  conversation  is  con- 
sidered in  a  measure  confidential.  A  lady  or  gentleman 
tacitly  confides  in  you  when  he  (or  she)  tells  you  an  in- 
cident which  may  cause  trouble  if  repeated,  and  you 
violate  a  confidence  as  much  in  such  a  repetition,  as  if 
you  were  bound  over  to  secrecy.     Remember  this. 

Never  criticise  a  companion's  dress,  or  indeed  make 
any  remark  whatever  upon  it.  If  a  near  friend,  you 
may,  if  sincere,  admire  any  article,  but  with  a  mere  ac- 
quaintance let  it  pass  unnoticed.  If,  however,  any  acci- 
dent has  happened  to  the  dress,  of  which  she  is  ignorant, 
tell  her  of  it,  and  assist  her  in  repairing  the  mischief. 

To  be  able  to  converse  really  well,  you  must  read 
much,  treasure  in  your  memory  the  pearls  of  what  you 
read;  you  must  have  a  quick  comprehension,  observe 
passing  events,  and  listen  attentively  whenever  there  is 
any  opportunity  of  acquiring  knowledge.  A  quick  tact 
is  necessary,  too,  in  conversation.  To  converse  with  an 
entirely  uneducated  person  upon  literature,  interlarding 
your  remarks  with  quotations,  is  ill-bred.  It  places 
them  in  an  awkward  situation,  and  does  not  add  to  your 
popularity.     In  conversing  with  persons  of  refinement 


CONVERSATION.  ,M 

and  intelligence,  do  not  endeavor  to  attract  their  admi- 
raticn  by  pouring  forth  every  item  of  your  own  informa- 
tion upon  the  subject  under  consideration,  but  listen  as 
vrcll  as  talk,  and  modestly  follow  their  lead.  I  do  not 
mean,  to  assent  to  any  opinion  they  may  advance,  if  you 
re  illy  differ  in  your  own  tastes,  but  do  not  be  too  ready 
tw  show  your  superior  judgment  or  information.  Avci  I 
argument ;  it  is  not  conversation,  and  frequently  leads 
to  ill  feeling.  If  you  are  unfortunately  drawn  into  an 
argument,  keep  your  temper  under  perfect  control,  and 
if  you  find  your  adversary  is  getting  too  warm,  endeavor 
to  introduce  some  other  topic. 

Avoid  carefully  any  allusion  to  the  age  or  personal 
defects  of  your  companion,  or  any  one  who  may  be  in 
the  room,  and  be  very  careful  in  your  language  when* 
speaking  of  a*. stranger  to  another  person.  I  have  heard 
a  lady  inquire  of  a  gentleman,  *'  who  that  frightful  girl 
in  blue  could  be,'*  and  receive  the  information  that  the 
lady  in  question  was  the  gentleman's  own  sister. 

Be  careful,  when  traveling,  not  to  wound  the  feelings 
of  your  friends  in  another  country  or  city,  by  underrat- 
ing their  native  place,  or  attempting  to  prove  the  supe- 
riority of  your  own  home  over  theirs. 

Very  young  girls  are  apt  to  suppose,  from  what  they 
observe  in  older  ones,  that  there  is  some  particular  man- 
ner to  be  put  on,  in  talking  to  gentlemen,  and,  not 
knowing  exactly  what  it  is,  they  are  embarrassed  and 
reserved ;  others  observe  certain  airs  and  looks,  used  by 
their  elders  in  this  intercourse,  and  try  to  imitate  them, 
as  a  necessary  part  of  company  behaviours,  and,  so  be- 
come affected,  and  lose  that  first  of  charms,  simplicity, 


20  LADIES*   BOOK   OF    ETIQUETTE. 

naturjil  grace.  To  such,  let  me  say,  your  companions 
are  in  error ;  it  requires  no  peculiar  manner,  nothing  to 
be  put  on,  in  order  to  converse  with  gentlemen,  any  more 
than  with  ladies ;  and  the  more  pure  and  elevated  your 
Bentiments  are,  and  the  better  cultivated  your  intellect 
IS,  tlie  easier  will  you  find  it  to  converse  pleasantly  with 
all.  One  good  rule  can  be  always  followed  by  young  la- 
dies ;  to  converse  with  a  lady  friend  as  if  there  were  gen- 
tlemen present,  and  to  converse  with  a  gentleman  as  if 
in  the  room  with  other  ladies. 

Avoid  affectation ;  it  is  the  sure  test  of  a  deceitful, 
vulgar  mind.  The  best  cure  is  to  try  to  have  those  vir- 
tues which  you  would  affect,  and  then  they  will  appear 
naturailj. 


CHAPTER  i:. 

DRESS. 

"  A  LADY  is  never  so  well  dressed  as  when  you  cannot 
remember  what  she  wears." 

No  truer  remark  than  the  above  was  ever  made.  Such 
an  effect  can  only  be  produced  where  every  part  of  the 
dress  harmonizes  entirely  with  the  other  parts,  where 
each  color  or  shade  suits  the  wearer's  style  completely, 
and  where  there  is  perfect  neatness  in  each  detail.  One 
glaring  color,  or  conspicuous  article,  would  entirely  mar 
the  beauty  of  such  a  dress.  It  is,  unfortunately,  too 
much  the  custom  in  America  to  wear  any  article,  or  shape 
in  make,  that  is  fashionable,  without  any  regard  to  tho 
style  of  the  person  purchasing  goods.  If  it  is  the  fashion 
it  must  be  worn,  though  it  may  greatly  exaggerate  a  slight 
personal  defect,  or  conceal  or  mar  what  would  otherwise 
be  a  beauty.  It  requires  the  exercise  of  some  judgment 
to  decide  how  far  an  individual  may  follow  the  dictates 
of  fashion,  in  order  to  avoid  the  appearance  of  eccen- 
tricity, and  yet  wear  what  is  peculiarly  becoming  to  her 
own  face  or  figure.  Another  fault  of  our  fair  country- 
women is  their  extravagance  in  dress.  No  better  advico 
can  be  given  to  a  young  person  than  to  dress  always  ac^ 

21 


22  LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

cording  to  her  circumstances.  She  will  be  more  re» 
Bpected  with  a  simple  wardrobe,  if  it  is  known  either 
that  she  is  dependent  upon  her  own  exertions  for  support, 
or  is  saving  a  husband  or  father  from  unnecessary  outlay, 
than  if  she  wore  the  most  costly  fabrics,  and  by  so  doing 
incurred  debt  or  burdened  her  relatives  with  heavy,  un- 
warrantable expense.  If  neatness,  consistency,  and 
good  taste,  preside  over  the  wardrobe  of  a  lady,  ex- 
pensive fabrics  will  not  be  needed;  for  with  the  simpk.n 
materials,  harmony  of  color,  accurate  fitting  to  the  figure, 
and  perfect  neatness,  she  will  always  appear  well  dressed. 

GENERAL    ivtJLES. 

Neatness  —  This  is  the  first  of  all  rules  to  be  ob- 
served with  regard  to  dress.  Perfect  cleanliness  and 
careful  adjustment  of  each  article  in  the  dress  are  indis- 
pensable in  a  finished  toilet.  Let  the  hair  be  always 
smooth  and  becomingly  arranged,  each  article  exquisitely 
clean,  neat  collar  and  sleeves,  and  tidy  shoes  and  stock- 
ings, and  the  simplest  dress  will  appear  well,  while  a 
torn  or  soiled  collar,  rough  hair,  or  untidy  feet  will  en- 
tirely ruin  the  effect  of  the  most  costly  and  elaborate 
dress.  The  many  articles  required  in  a  lady's  wardrobe 
make  a  neat  arrangement  of  her  drawers  and  closets 
cecessary,  and  also  require  care  in  selecting  and  keeping 
goods  in  proper  order.  A  fine  collar  or  lace,  if  tumbled 
or  soiled,  will  lose  its  beauty  when  contrasted  with  the 
same  article  in  the  coarsest  material  perfectly  pure  and 
smooth.  Each  article  of  dress,  when  taken  off,  should 
be  placed  carefully  and  smoothly  in  its  proper  place. 
"^icQ  dresses  should  be  hung  up  by  a  loop  on  the  inside 


DRESS.  2^ 

of  the  waistband,  with  the  skirts  turned  inside  out,  and 
the  body  turned  inside  of  the  skirt.  Cloaks  should  hang 
in  smooth  folds  from  a  loop  on  the  inside  of  the  neck. 
Shawls  should  be  always  folded  in  the  creases  in  which 
they  were  purchased.  All  fine  articles,  lace,  embroidery, 
and  handkerchiefs,  should  be  placed  by  themselves  in  a 
drawer,  always  laid  out  smoothly,  and  kept  from  dust. 
Furs  should  be  kept  in  a  box,  alone,  and  in  summer 
carefully  packed,  with  a  quantity  of  lump  camphor  to 
protect  from  moths.  The  bonnet  should  always  rest 
upon  a  stand  in  the  band-box,  as  the  shape  and  trimming 
will  both  be  injured  by  letting  it  lie  either  on  the  face, 
Bides,  or  crown. 

Adaptiveness — Let  each  dress  worn  by  a  lady  be 
suitable  to  the  occasion  upon  which  she  wears  it.  A 
toilet  may  be  as  offensive  to  good  taste  and  propriety  by 
being  too  elaborate,  as  by  being  slovenly.  Never  wear 
a  dress  which  is  out  of  place  or  out  of  season  under  the 
impression  that  "it  will  do  for  once,"  or  "nobody  will 
notice  it."  It  is  in  as  bad  taste  to  receive  your  morning 
calls  in  an  elaborate  evening  dress,  as  it  would  be  to  at- 
tend a  ball  in  your  morning  wrapper. 

Harmony — To  appear  well  dressed  without  harmony, 
both  in  color  and  materials,  is  impossible.  When  ar- 
ranging any  dress,  whether  for  home,  street,  or  evening, 
be  careful  that  each  color  harmonizes  well  with  the  rest, 
and  let  no  one  article,  by  its  glaring  costliness,  make  all 
the  rest  appear  mean.  A  costly  lace  worn  over  a  thin, 
flimsy  silk,  will  only  make  the  dress  appear  poorer,  not, 
as  some  suppose,  hide  its  defects.  A  rich  trimming 
looks  as  badly  upon  a  cheap  dress,  as  a  mean  one  does 


%i  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

upon  an  expensive  fabric.  Observe  this  rule  always  in 
purchasing  goods.  One  costly  article  will  entirely  ruia 
the  harmony  in  a  dress,  which,  without  it,  though  plain 
and  inexpensive,  would  be  becoming  and  beautiful.  Do 
not  save  on  the  dress  or  cloak  to  buy  a  more  elaborate 
bonnet,  but  let  the  cost  be  well  equalized  and  the  effect 
will  be  good.  A  plain  merino  or  dark  silk,  with  a  cloth 
cloak,  will  look  much  better  than  the  most  expensive 
"velvet  cloak  over  a  cheap  delaine  dress. 

Fashion — Do  not  be  too  submissive  to  the  dictates  of 
fashion ;  at  the  same  time  avoid  oddity  or  eccentricity 
in  your  dress.  There  are  some  persons  who  will  follow, 
in  defiance  of  taste  and  judgment,  the  fashion  to  its 
most  extreme  point ;  this  is  a  sure  mark  of  vulgarity. 
Every  new  style  of  dress  will  admit  of  adaptation  to  in- 
dividual cases,  thus  producing  a  pleasing,  as  well  as 
fashionable  effect.  Not  only  good  taste,  but  health  is 
often  sacrificed  to  the  silly  error  of  dressing  in  the  ex- 
treme of  fashion.  Be  careful  to  have  your  dress  com- 
fortable and  becoming,  and  let  the  prevailing  mode  come 
into  secondary  consideration ;  avoiding,  always,  the  other 
extreme  of  oddity  or  eccentricity  in  costume. 

Style  and  form  of  dress — Be  always  careful  when 
making  up  the  various  parts  of  your  wardrobe,  that  each 
article  fits  you  accurately.  Not  in  the  outside  garments 
alone  must  this  rule  be  followed,  an  ill-fitting  pair  of 
corsets,  or  wrinkles  in  any  other  article  of  the  un  lei  • 
clothes,  will  make  a  dress  set  badly,  even  if  it  has  been 
itself  fitted  with  the  utmost  accuracy.  A  stocking  which 
is  too  large,  will  make  the  boot  uncomfortably  tight,  and 
too  small  will  compress  the  foot,  making  the  shoe  loose 


DRESS.  2& 

and  untidy.  In  a  dress,  no  outlay  upon  the  material  ■will 
compensate  for  a  badly  fitting  garment.  A  cheap  calico 
made  to  fit  the  form  accurately  and  easily,  will  give  tho 
wearer  a  more  lady-like  air  than  the  richest  silk  which 
either  wrinkles  or  is  too  tightly  strained  over  the  figure. 
Cellars  or  sleevos,  pinned  over  or  tightly  strained  to 
inact.  will  entirely  mar  the  effect  of  the  prettiest  dress. 

Economy — And  by  economy  I  do  not  mean  meie 
cheapness.  To  buy  a  poor,  flimsy  fabric  merely  because 
the  price  is  low,  is  extravagance,  not  economy;  still 
worse  if  you  buy  articles  because  they  are  off"ered  cheap, 
when  you  have  no  use  for  them.  In  purchasing  goods 
for  the  wardrobe,  let  each  material  be  the  best  of  its 
kind.  The  same  amount  of  sewing  that  is  put  into  a 
good  material,  must  be  put  into  a  poor  one,  and,  as  the 
latter  will  very  soon  wash  or  wear  out,  there  must  be  an- 
other one  to  supply  its  place,  purchased  and  made  up, 
when,  by  buying  a  good  article  at  first,  this  time  and 
hibor  might  have  been  saved.  A  good,  strong  material 
will  be  found  cheapest  in  the  end,  though  the  actual  ex- 
penditure of  money  may  be  larger  at  first. 

Comfort — Many  ladies  Have  to  trace  months  of  se 
vera  suff^ering  to  an  improper  ^^regard  of  comfort,  in 
preparing  their  wardrobe,  or  in  exposure  after  they  are 
dressed.  The  most  exquisite  ball  costume  will  never 
compensate  for  the  injury  done  by  tight  lacing,  the 
prettiest  foot  is  dearly  paid  for  by  the  pain  a  tight  boot 
entails,  and  the  most  graceful  effects  will  not  prevent 
Duff'ering  from  exposure  to  cold.  A  light  ball  dress  and 
exquisite  arrangement  of  the  hair,  too  often  make  the 
wearer  dare  the   inclemency  of  the  coldest  night,  by 


25  LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

wearing  a  llglit  sliawl  or  hood,  to  prevent  crushing  deli 
cato  lace  or  flowers.  Make  it  a  fixed  rule  to  have  tho 
head,  feet,  and  chest  well  protected  when  going  to  a 
party,  even  at  the  risk  of  a  crushed  flower  or  a  stray 
curl.  Many  a  fair  head  has  been  laid  in  a  coffin,  a 
vijtiin  to  consumption,  from  rashly  venturing  out  of  a 
heated  ball  room,  flushed  and  excited,  with  only  a  liglH 
protection  against  keen  night  air.  The  excitement  of 
the  occasion  may  prevent  immediate  discomfort  in  such 
cases,  but  it  adds  to  the  subsequent  danger. 

Details — Be  careful  always  that  the  details  of  your 
dress  are  perfectly  finished  in  every  point.  The  small 
articles  of  a  wardrobe  require  constant  care  to  keep  in 
perfect  order,  yet  they  will  wofully  revenge  themselves 
if  neglected.  Let  the  collar,  handkerchief,  boots,  gloves, 
and  belts  be  always  whole,  neat,  and  adapted  to  the 
dress.  A  lace  collar  will  look  as  badly  over  a  chintz 
dress,  as  a  linen  one  would  with  velvet,  though  each  may 
be  perfect  of  its  kind.  Attention  to  these  minor  points 
are  sure  tests  of  taste  in  a  lady's  dress.  A  shabby  or 
ill  fitting  boot  or  glove  will  ruin  the  most  elaborate 
walking  dress,  while  one  of  much  plainer  make  and 
coarser  fabric  will  be  becoming  and  lady-like,  if  all  the 
details  are  accurately  fitted,  clean,  and  well  put  on.  In 
arranging  a  dress  for  every  occasion,  be  careful  that 
there  is  no  missing  string,  hook,  or  button,  that  the  folds 
hang  well,  and  that  every  part  is  even  and  properly  ad- 
justei.  Let  the  skirts  hang  smoothly,  the  outside  ones 
being  always  about  an  inch  longer  than  the  under  ones ; 
let  the  dress  set  smoothly,  carefully  hooked  or  buttoned ; 
let  tne  collar  fit  neatly,  and  be  fastened  firmly  and 


DEESS.  27 

smoothly  at  the  throat ;  let  shoes  and  stockings  be  whole, 
clean,  and  fit  nicely ;  let  the  hair  be  smooth  and  glossy, 
the  skin  pure,  and  the  colors  and  fabric  of  your  dress 
harmonize  and  be  suitable  for  the  occasion,  and  you  Mfill 
always  appear  both  lady-like  and  well-dressed. 

HOME     DRESSES. 

MoRXiNa  Dress — The  most  suitable  dress  for  break- 
fast, is  a  wrapper  made  to  fit  the  figure  loosely,  and  tho 
material,  excepting  when  the  winter  weather  requi:ea 
woolen  goods,  should  be  of  chintz,  ginghaip,  brilliante, 
or  muslin.  A  lady  who  has  children,  or  one  accustomed 
to  perform  for  herself  light  household  duties,  will  soon 
find  the  advantage  of  wearing  materials  that  will  wash. 
A  large  apron  of  domestic  gingham,  which  can  be  taken 
oiF,  if  the  wearer  is  called  to  see  unexpected  visiters,  will 
protect  the  front  of  the  dress,  and  save  washing  the 
wrapper  too  frequently.  If  a  lady's  domestic  duties  re- 
quire her  attention  for  several  hours  in  the  morning, 
whilst  her  list  of  acquaintances  is  large,  and  she  has 
frequent  morning  calls,  it  is  best  to  dress  for  callers  be- 
fore breakfast,  and  wear  over  this  dress  a  loose  sack  and 
skirt  of  domestic  gingham.  This,  while  protecting  the 
dress  perfectly,  can  be  taken  off  at  a  moment's  notice  if 
callers  are  announced.  Married  ladies  often  wear  a  cap 
in  the  morning,  and  lately,  young  girls  have  adopted  tho 
fashion.  It  is  much  better  to  let  the  hair  be  per  fectly 
smooth,  requiring  no  cap,  which  is  often  worn  to  conceal 
the  lazy,  slovenly  arrangement  of  the  hair.  A  few  mo- 
ments given  to  making  the  hair  smooth  and  presentable 
nithout  any  covering,  will  not  be  wasted.     Slippers  of 


28  LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

embroidered  cloth  are  prettiest  -with  a  wrapper,  and  in 
summer  black  murocco  is  the  most  suitable  for  the  ho\i30 
in  the  morning. 

Dress  for  Morning  Visits — A  lady  should  nevor 
receive  her  morning  callers  in  a  wrapper,  unless  they  call 
at  an  unusually  early  hour,  or  some  unexpected  demand 
upon  her  time  makes  it  impossible  to  change  her  dress 
after  breakfast.  On  the  other  hand,  an  elaborate  cos- 
tume before  dinner  is  in  excessively  bad  taste.  The 
dress  should  be  made  to  fit  the  figure  neatly,  finished  at 
the  throat  and  wrists  by  an  embroidered  collar  and  cuffs, 
and,  unless  there  is  a  necessity  for  it,  in  loss  of  the  hair 
or  age,  there  should  be  no  cap  or  head  dress  worn.  A 
wrapper  made  with  handsome  trimming,  open  over  a 
pretty  white  skirt,  may  be  worn  with  propriety ;  but  the 
simple  dress  worn  for  breakfast,  or  in  the  exercise  of 
domestic  duties,  is  not  suitable  for  the  parlor  when  re- 
ceiving visits  of  ceremony  in  the  morning. 

Evening  Dress — The  home  evening  dress  should  be 
varied  according  to  circumstances.  If  no  visitor  is  ex- 
pected, the  dress  worn  in  the  morning  is  suitable  for  the 
evening ;  but  to  receive  visitors,  it  should  be  of  lighter 
material,  and  a  light  head-dress  may  be  worn.  For 
young  ladies,  at  home,  ribbon  or  velvet  are  the  most 
suitable  materials  for  a  head-dress.  Flowers,  unless 
they  be  natural  ones  in  summer,  are  in  very  bad  taste, 
excepting  in  cases  where  a  party  of  invited  guests  are 
expected.  Dark  silk  in  winter,  and  thin  material  in 
summer,  make  the  most  suitable  dresses  for  evening,  and 
the  reception  of  tn^  chance-guests  ladies  in  society  may 
Usually  expect. 


DRESS.  29 

Walking  Dresses — Walking  dresses,  to  "be  in  good 
taste,  should  be  of  quiet  colors,  and  never  conspicuous. 
Browns,  modes,  and  neutral  tints,  with  hlack  and  white, 
make  the  prettiest  dresses  for  the  street.  Ahove  all, 
avoid  wearing  several  bright  colors.  One  may  be  worn 
with  perfect  propriety  to  take  off  the  sombre  eflect  of  a 
dress  of  brown  or  black,  but  do  not  let  it  be  too  glaring, 
^nd  wear  but  little  of  it.  Let  the  boots  be  sufficiently 
strong  and  thick  to  protect  the  feet  from  damp  or  dust, 
and  wear  always  neat,  clean,  nicely  fitting  gloves.  The 
entire  effect  of  the  most  tasteful  costume  will  be  ruiii^d 
if  attention  is  not  paid  to  the  details  of  dress.  A  soilea 
bonnet  cap,  untidy  strings,  or  torn  gloves  and  collar  will 
utterly  spoil  the  prettiest  costume.  There  is  no  surer 
mark  of  vulgarity  than  over  dressing  or  gay  dressing  in 
the  street.  Let  the  materials  be  of  the  costliest  kind, 
if  you  will,  but  do  not  either  wear  the  exaggerations  of 
the  fashion,  or  conspicuous  colors.  Let  good  taste  dic- 
tate the  limits  where  fashion  may  rule,  and  let  the  colors 
harmonize  well,  and  be  of  such  tints  as  will  not  attract 
attention. 

For  Morning  Calls — The  dress  should  be  plain, 
and  in  winter  furs  and  dark  gloves  may  be  worn. 

For  Bridal  Calls — The  dress  should  be  of  light 
Bilk,  the  bonnet  dressy,  and  either  a  rich  shawl  r  light 
cloak  ;  no  furs,  and  light  gloves.  In  summer,  a,  lac9  or 
silk  mantle  and  white  gloves  should  be  worn. 

Shopping  Dresses — Should  be  of  such  material  aa 
will  bear  the  crush  of  a  crowded  store  without  injury, 
an  1  neither  lace  or  delicate  fabrics  should  ever  be  worn. 
A.  dress  of  merino   in  winter,  with  a  cloth  cloak  and 


80  LADIES'    BOOK   OP   FlIQUETTB. 

plain  velvet  or  silk  bonnet  is  the  most  suitable.  In 
summer,  a  dress  and  cloak  of  plain  mode-C(ilored  Lavella 
cloth,  or  anj  other  cool  but  strong  fabric,  with  a  simply 
trimmed  straw  bonnet,  is  the  best  dress  for  a  shopping 
excursion. 

Storm  Dresses — A  lady  who  is  obliged  to  go  out 
frequently  in  bad  weather,  will  find  it  both  a  convenience 
and  economy  to  have  a  storm  dress.  Both  dress  ant^ 
cloak  should  be  made  of  a  woolen  material,  (varying  of 
course  with  the  season,)  which  will  shed  water.  White 
gkirts  are  entirely  out  of  place,  as,  if  the  dress  is  held 
up,  they  will  be  in  a  few  moments  disgracefully  dirty. 
A  woolen  skirt,  made  quite  short,  to  clear  the  muddy 
streets,  is  the  proper  thing.  Stout,  thick-soled  boots, 
and  gloves  of  either  silk,  beaver-cloth,  or  lisle  thread, 
are  the  most  suitable.  The  bonnet  should  be  either  of 
straw  or  felt,  simply  trimmed ;  and,  above  all,  carry  a 
large  umbrella.  The  little  light  umbrellas  are  very 
pretty,  no  doubt,  but  to  be  of  any  real  protection  in  a 
storm,  the  umbrella  should  be  large  enough  to  protect 
the  whole  dress. 

Marketixg — Here  a  dress  of  the  most  inexpensive 
kind  is  the  best.  There  is  no  surer  mark  of  vulgarity, 
than  a  costly  dress  in  the  market.  A  chintz  is  the  best 
skirt  to  wear,  and  in  winter  a  dark  chintz  skirt  put  on 
over  a  delaine  dress,  will  protect  it  from  baskets,  and 
the  unavoidable  soils  contracted  in  a  market,  while  it 
looks  perfectly  well,  and  can  be  washed  if  required. 

Traveling — Traveling  dresses  should  be  made  always 
O-f  some  quiet  color,  perfectly  plain,  with  a  deep  mantle 
»r  cloak  of  the  same  material.     When  traveling  with  a 


DRESS.  81 

ji  anj^  babe,  a  dress  of  material  that  will  wash  is  the 
best,  I  dt  it  should  be  dark  and  plain.  A  conspicuous 
traveling  dress  is  in  very  bad  taste,  and  jewelry  or  orna- 
ments i)f  any  kind  are  entirely  out  of  place.  Let  the 
dress  be  made  of  dark,  plain  material,  with  a  simple 
straw  )r  felt  bonnet,  trimmed  with  the  same  color  as  the 
dress,  and  a  thick  barege  veil.  An  elastic  string  run 
through  a  tuck  made  in  the  middle  of  the  veil,  will  allow 
one  half  to  fall  over  the  face,  while  the  other  half  falls 
back,  covering  the  bonnet,  and  protecting  it  from  dust. 
If  white  collars  and  sleeves  are  worn,  they  should  be  of 
linen,  perfectly  plain.  Strong  boots  and  thick  gloves 
are  indispensable  in  traveling,  and  a  heavy  shawl  should 
be  carried,  to  meet  any  sudden  change  in  the  weather. 
Corsets  and  petticoats  of  dark  linen  are  more  suitable 
than  white  ones,  as  there  is  so  much  unavoidable  dust 
and  mud  constantly  meeting  a  traveler. 

Evening  Dresses — Must  be  governed  by  the  number 
of  guests  you  may  expect  to  meet,  and  the  character  of 
the  entertainment  to  which  you  are  invited.  For  small 
social  companies,  a  dark  silk  in  winter,  and  a  pretty 
lawn,  barege,  or  white  muslin  in  summer,  are  the  most 
appropriate.  A  light  head-dress  of  ribbon  or  velvet,  or 
a  plain  cap,  are  the  most  suitable  with  this  dress.  For 
a  lai'ger  party,  low-necked,  short-sleeved  silk,  light  col- 
ored, or  any  of  the  thin  goods  made  expressly  for  evening 
wear,  with  kid  gloves,  either  of  a  color  to  match  the 
dress  or  of  white ;  black  lace  mittens  are  admissable,  and 
flowers  in  the  hair.  A  ball  dress  should  be  made  of  either 
very  dressy  silk,  or  light,  thin  material  made  over  silk. 
It  should  be  trimmed  with  lace,  flowers,  or  ribbon,  and 


82  LADIES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

made  dressy.  The  coiffure  should  be  dabcratt,  and 
match  the  dress,  being  either  of  ribbon,  feather,  or 
flowers.  White  kid  gloves,  trimmed  to  match  the  dress, 
and  white  Or  black  satin  slippers,  with  silk  stockings, 
must  be  worn. 

MouRXiNG — There  is  such  a  variety  of  opinion  upon 
the  subject  of  mourning,  that  it  is  extremely  dij05cult  to 
lay  down  any  general  rules  upon  the  subject.  Some 
wear  very  close  black  for  a  long  period,  for  a  distant 
relative ;  whilst  others  will  wear  dressy  mourning  for  a 
short  time  in  a  case  of  death  in  the  immediate  family 
There  is  no  rule  either  for  the  depth  of  mourning,  or  the 
time  when  it  may  be  laid  aside,  and  I  must  confine  mj 
remarks  to  the  different  degrees  of  mourning. 

For  deep  mourning,  the  dress  should  be  of  bombazine 
Parramatta  cloth,  delaine,  barege,  or  merino,  made  ujr 
over  black  lining.  The  only  appropriate  trimming  is  t 
deep  fold,  either  of  the  same  material  or  of  crape.  Thf 
shawl  or  cloak  must  be  of  plain  black,  without  border  Oi 
trimming,  unless  a  fold  of  crape  be  put  on  the  cloak ;  th^ 
bonnet  should  be  of  crape,  made  perfectly  plain,  witl 
crape  facings,  unless  the  widow's  cap  be  worn,  and  si 
deep  crape  veil  should  be  thrown  over  both  face  anci* 
bonnet.  Black  crape  collar  and  sleeves,  and  black  booti 
and  gloves.  The  next  degree  is  to  wear  white  collai 
and  sleeves,  a  bow  of  crape  upon  the  bonnet,  and 
plain  white  lace  facings,  leaving  off  the  crape  veil,  and 
substituting  one  of  plain  black  net.  A  little  later,  black 
silk  without  any  gloss,  trimmed  with  crape,  may  be  worn, 
and  delaine  or  bombazine,  with  a  trimming  of  broad, 
plain  ribbon,  or  a  bias  fold  of  silk.     The  next  stage  ad- 


DRESS.  33 

mitu  a  silk  bonnet  trimmed  with  crape,  and  lead  color, 
dark  purple,  or  white  figures  on  the  dress.  From  this 
the  mourning  passes  into  second  mourning.  Here  a 
straw  bonnet,  trimmed  with  black  ribbon  or  crape 
flowers,  or  a  silk  bonnet  with  black  flowers  on  the  out- 
side, and  white  ones  in  the  face,  a  black  silk  dress,  and 
gray  shawl  or  cloak,  may  be  worn.  Lead  color,  purple, 
lavender,  and  white,  are  all  admissible  in  second  mourn- 
ing, and  the  dress  may  be  lightened  gradually,  a  white 
bonnet,  shawl,  and  light  purple  or  lavender  dress,  being 
tho  dress  usually  worn  last,  before  the  mourning  is 
thrown  aside  entirely,  and  colors  resumed.  It  is  espe 
cially  to  be  recommended  to  buy  always  the  best  mate- 
rials when  making  up  mourning.  Crape  and  woolen 
goods  of  the  finest  quality  are  very  expensive,  but  a 
cheaper  article  will  wear  miserably ;  there  is  no  greater 
error  in  economy  than  purchasing  cheap  mourning,  for 
no  goods  are  so  inferior,  or  wear  out  and  grow  rusty  80 
soon. 


CHAPTER   III 

TRAVELING. 

There  is  no  situation  in  which  a  lady  is  more  exposed 
than  when  she  travels,  and  there  is  no  position  where  a 
dignified,  lady- like  deportment  is  more  indispensable  and 
more  certain  to  command  respect.  If  you  travel  under 
the  escort  of  a  gentleman,  give  him  as  little  trouble  as 
possible  ;  at  the  same  time,  dc  not  interfere  with  the  ar- 
rangements he  may  make  for  your  comfort.  It  is  best, 
when  starting  upon  your  journey,  to  hand  your  escort  a 
sufficient  sum  of  money  to  cover  all  your  expenses,  re- 
taining your  pocket  book  in  case  you  should  wish  to  use 
it.  Have  a  strong  pocket  made  in  your  upper  petticoat, 
and  in  that  carry  your  money,  only  reserving  in  your 
dress  pocket  a  small  sum  for  incidental  expenses.  In 
your  traveling  satchel  carry  an  oil  skin  bag,  containing 
your  sponge,  tooth  and  nail  brushes,  and  some  soap ; 
have  also  a  calico  bag,  with  hair  brush  and  comb,  some 
pins,  Lair  pins,  a  small  mirror,  and  some  towels.  In 
this  satchel  carry  also  some  crackers,  or  sandwiches,  if 
you  will  be  long  enough  upon  the  road  to  need  a 
luncheon. 

In  your  carpet  bag,  carry  a  large  shawl,  and  if  yon 
34 


TKAVELIXG.  8fi 

will  travel  bj  night,  or  stop  where  it  will  be  inconvenient 
to  open  your  trunks,  carry  your  night  clothes,  and  what 
clean  linen  you  may  require,  in  the  carpet  bag.  It  is 
best  to  have  your  name  and  address  engraved  upon  the 
plate  of  your  carpet  bag,  and  to  sew  a  white  card,  with 
your  name  and  the  address  to  which  you  are  traveling,  in 
clear,  plain  letters  upon  it.  If  you  carry  a  novel  or  any 
other  reading,  it  is  best  to  carry  the  book  in  your  satchel, 
and  not  open  the  carpet  bag  until  you  are  ready  for  the 
night.  If  you  are  to  pass  the  night  in  the  cars,  carry  a 
warm  woolen  or  silk  hood,  that  you  may  take  oflf  your 
bonnet  at  night.  No  one  can  sleep  comfortably  in  a 
bonnet.  Carry  also,  in  this  case,  a  large  shawl  to  wrap 
round  your  feet. 

One  rule  to  be  always  observed  in  traveling  is  punc- 
tuality. Rise  early  enough  to  have  ample  time  for  ar- 
ranging everything  needful  for  the  day's  journey.  If 
you  sleep  upon  the  boat,  or  at  a  hotel,  always  give  di- 
rections to  the  servant  to  waken  you  at  an  hour  suffi- 
ciently early  to  allow  ample  time  for  preparation.  It  is 
better  to  be  all  ready  twenty  minutes  too  soon,  than  five 
minutes  late,  or  even  late  enough  to  be  annoyed  and 
heated  by  hurrying  at  the  last  moment. 

A  lady  will  always  dress  plainly  when  traveling.  A 
gay  dress,  or  finery  of  any  sort,  when  in  a  boat,  stage, 
or  car,  lays  a  woman  open  to  the  most  severe  miscon- 
struction. Wear  always  neutral  tints,  and  have  the  ma- 
terial made  up  plainly  and  substantially,  but  avoid  care- 
fully any  article  of  dress  that  is  glaring  or  conspicuous.. 
Above  all,  never  wear  jewelry,  (unless  it  be  your  watch,) 
or  flowers  ;  "-hey  are  both  in  excessively  bad  taste.     A 


36  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

quiet,  unpretending  dress,  and  dignified  demeanor,  will 
insure  for  a  lady  respect,  though  she  travel  alone  from 
Maine  to  Florida. 

If  you  are  obliged  to  pass  the  night  upon  a  stearabcat. 
secure,  if  possible,  a  stateroom.  You  will  find  the 
luxury  of  being  alone,  able  to  retire  and  rise  -without 
witnesses,  fully  compensates  for  the  extra  charge.  Be^ 
fore  you  retire,  find  out  the  position  and  number  of  the 
stateroom  occupied  by  your  escort,  in  case  you  wish  to 
find  him  during  the  night.  In  times  of  terror,  from  ac- 
cident or  danger,  such  care  will  be  found  invaluable. 

You  may  not  be  able  to  obtain  a  stateroom  upon  all 
occasions  when  traveling,  and  must  then  sleep  in  the 
ladies'  cabin.  It  is  best,  in  this  case,  to  take  off  the 
dress  only,  merely  loosening  the  stays  and  skirts,  and, 
unless  you  are  sick,  you  may  sit  up  to  read  until  quite  a 
late  hour.  Never  allow  your  escort  to  accompany  you 
into  the  cabin.  The  saloon  is  open  always  to  both  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  and  the  cabin  is  for  ladies  alone.  Many 
ladies  are  sufficiently  ill-bred  to  ask  a  husband  or  brother 
into  the  cabin,  and  keep  him  there  talking  for  an  houi 
or  two,  totally  overlooking  the  fact  that  by  so  doing  she 
may  be  keeping  others,  suffering,  perhaps,  with  sickness, 
from  removing  their  dresses  to  lie  down.  Such  conduct 
is  not  only  excessively  ill-bred,  but  intensely  selfish. 

There  is  scarcely  any  situation  in  which  a  lady  can  be 
placed,  more  admirably  adapted  to  test  her  good  breed- 
ing, than  in  the  sleeping  cabin  of  a  steam-boat..  If  you 
are  so  unfortunate  as  to  suffer  from  sea-sickness,  your 
chances  for  usefulness  are  limited,  and  patient  suffering 
your  only  resource.     In   this   case,  never  leave  home 


TRAVELINa.  37 

without  a  straw-cohered  bottle  of  brandy,  and  aDother 
of  camphor,  in  your  carpet-bag.  If  you  are  not  sick, 
be  very  careful  not  to  keep  the  chambermaid  from  those 
who  are  suffering ;  should  you  require  her  services,  dis- 
miss her  as  soon  as  possible.  As  acquaintances,  formed 
during  a  journey,  are  not  recognized  afterwards,  unless 
mutually  agreeable,  do  not  refuse  either  a  pleasant  wortl 
or  any  little  offer  of  service  from  your  companions;  and, 
on  the  other  hand,  be  ready  to  aid  them,  if  in  your 
power.  In  every  case,  selfishness  is  the  root  of  all  ill- 
breeding,  and  it  is  never  more  conspicuously  displayed 
than  in  traveling.  A  courteous  manner,  and  graceful 
offer  of  service  are  valued  highly  when  offered,  and  the 
giver  loses  nothing  by  her  civility. 

When  in  the  car  if  you  find  the  exertion  of  talking 
painful,  say  so  frankly ;  your  escort  cannot  be  offended. 
Do  not  continually  pester  either  your  companion  or  the 
conductor  with  questions,  such  as  ''Where  are  we  now?" 
"When  shall  we  arrive?"  If  you  are  wearied,  this  im 
patience  will  only  make  the  journey  still  more  tedious. 
Try  to  occupy  yourself  with  looking  at  the  country 
through  which  you  are  passing,  or  with  a  book. 

If  you  are  traveling  without  any  escort,  speak  to  the 
conductor  before  you  start,  reo nesting  him  to  attend  to 
you  whilst  in  the  car  or  boat  under  his  control.  Sit 
quietly  in  the  cars  when  they  r^ach  the  depot  until  the 
first  bustle  is  over,  and  then  engage  a  porter  to  procure 
for  you  a  hack,  and  fret  your  baggage.  If  upon  a  boat, 
let  one  of  the  servants  perform  this  office,  being  careful 
to  fee  him  for  it.  Make  an  engagement  with  the  hack* 
man,  to  take  you  only  in  his  hack,  and  enquire  hie 


88  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

charge  before  starting.  In  this  way  you  avoid  unpleasant 
ccDipany  during  your  drive,  and  overcharge  at  the  eni 
of  it. 

If  you  expect  a  friend  to  meet  you  at  the  end  of  your 
journey,  sit  near  the  door  of  the  steam-boat  saloon,  or 
in  the  ladies'  room  at  the  car  depot,  that  he  may  lind  you 
easily. 

There  are  many  little  civilities  which  a  true  gentleman 
will  oflfer  to  a  lady  traveling  alone,  which  she  may  ac- 
cept, even  from  an  entire  stranger,  with  perfect  propriety ; 
but,  while  careful  to  thank  him  courteously,  whether  you 
accept  or  decline  his  attentions,  avoid  any  advance  to- 
wards acquaintanceship.  If  he  sits  near  you  and  seems 
disposed  to  be  impertinent,  or  obtrusive  in  his  attentions 
or  conversation,  lower  your  veil  and  turn  from  him, 
either  looking  from  the  window  or  reading.  A  dignified, 
modest  reserve  is  the  surest  way  to  repel  impertinence. 
If  you  find  yourself,  during  your  journey,  in  any  awk- 
ward or  embarrassing  situation,  you  may,  without  impro- 
priety, request  the  assistance  of  a  gentleman,  even  a 
stranger,  and  he  will,  probably,  perform  the  service  re- 
quested, receive  your  thanks,  and  then  relieve  you  of  his 
presence.  Never,  upon  any  account,  or  under  any  provo- 
cation, return  rudeness  by  rudeness.  Nothing  will  rebuke 
incivility  in  another  so  surely  as  perfect  courtesy  in  your 
own  manner.  Many  will  be  shamed  into  apology,  who 
would  annoy  you  for  hours,  if  you  encouraged  them  by 
acts  of  rudeness  on  your  own  part. 

In  traveling  alone,  choose,  if  possible,  a  seat  next  tc 
another  lady,  or  near  an  elderly  gentleman.  If  your 
neighbor  seems  disposed  to  shorten   the  time  by  con- 


TRAVELING.  3S 

versing,  do  not  be  too  hasty  in  checking  him.  Such  ac- 
quaintances end  with  the  journey,  and  a  lady  can  always 
so  deport  herself  tliat  she  may  beguile  the  time  pleasantly, 
without,  in  the  least,  compromising  her  dignity. 

Any  slight  attention,  or  an  apology  made  fur  crushing 
or  incommoding  you,  is  best  ac  knowledged  by  a  coortcouB 
bow,  in  sileDce. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

HOW  TO  BEHAVE  AT  A  HC  TEL. 

In  America,  "where  the  mania  for  traveling  extends 
fc. rough  all  classes,  from  the  highest  to  the  lowest,  a  few 
'hints  upon  deportment  at  a  hotel  will  not  be  amiss,  and 
these  hints  are  especially  addressed  to  ladies  traveling 
alone. 

When  you  arrive  at  the  hotel,  enquire  at  once  for  the 
proprietor.  Tell  him  your  name  and  address,  and  ask 
him  to  conduct  you  to  a.good  room,  naming  the  length 
of  time  you  purpose  occupying  it.  You  may  also  re- 
quest him  to  wait  upon  you  to  the  table,  and  allot  you  a 
neat.  As  the  hours  for  meals,  at  a  large  hotel,  are  very 
numerous,  it  is  best  to  mention  the  time  when  you  wish 
to  breakfast,  dine,  or  sup.  If  you  stay  more  than  one 
day  at  the  hotel,  do  not  tax  the  proprietor  with  the  duty 
of  escorting  you  to  the  table  more  than  once.  Request 
one  of  the  waiters  always  to  meet  you  as  you  enter,  and 
wait  upon  you  to  your  seat.  This  saves  the  embarrass- 
ment of  crossing  the  room  entirely  unattended,  while  it 
shows  others  that  you  are  a  resident  at  the  house.  The 
waiter  will  then  take  your  order  for  the  dishes  you  wish. 
Give  this  order  in  a  low  tone,  and  do  not  haiass  the  man 
40 


HOW  TO   BEHAVE   IN   A   HOTEL.  43 

by  contradicting  yourself  several  times;  decide  "what 
you  want  before  you  ask  for  it,  and  then  give  your  order 
quietly  but  distinctly.  Use,  always,  the  butter-knife, 
Bait-spoon,  and  sugar-tongs,  though  you  may  be  entirely 
alone  in  the  use  of  them.  The  attention  to  the  small 
details  of  table  etiquette  is  one  of  the  surest  marks  of 
good  breeding.  If  any  trifling  civility  is  ofi'ered  by  the 
gentleman  beside  you,  or  opposite  to  you,  thar.k  him 
civilly,  if  you  either  accept  or  decline  it.  Thank  the 
waiter  for  any  extra  attention  he  may  ofier. 

Remember  that  a  lady-like  deportment  is  always 
modest  and  quiet.  If  you  meet  a  friend  at  table,  and 
converse,  let  it  be  in  a  tone  of  voice  sufificiently  loud  for 
him  to  hear,  but  not  loud  enough  to  reach  ears  for  which 
the  remarks  are  not  intended.  A  boisterous,  loud  voice, 
loud  laughter,  and  bold  deportment,  at  a  hotel,  are  sure 
signs  of  vulgar  breeding. 

When  you  have  finished  "your  meal,  cross  the  room 
quietly ;  if  you  go  into  the  parlor,  do  not  attract  atten- 
tion by  a  hasty  entrance,  or  forward  manner,  but  take 
the  seat  you  may  select,  quietly. 

The  acquaintances  made  in  a  hotel  may  be  dropped 
afterwards,  if  desirable,  without  rudeness,  and  a  pleasant 
greeting  to  other  ladies  whom  you  may  recognize  from 
meeting  them  in  the  entries  or  at  table,  is  courteous  and 
well-bred ;  be  careful,  however,  not  to  force  attentions 
where  you  see  they  are  not  agreeably  received. 

A  lady's  dress,  when  alone  at  a  hotel,  should  be  of  the 
most  modest  kind.  At  breakfast  let  her  wear  a*  close, 
morning  dress,  and  never,  even  at  supper,  appear  alone 
at  the  table  with  bare  arms  or  neck.     If  she  comes  in 


12  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

late  from  the  opera  or  a  party,  in  full  dress,  she  sLould 
not  come  into  the  supper-room,  unless  her  escort  accom 
panics  her.     A  traveling  or  walking-dress  can  be  worn 
with  perfect  propriety,  at  any  meal   at  a  hotel,  as  it  is 
usually  travelers  who  are  the  guests  at  the  table 

After  breakfast,  pass  an  hour  or  two  in  the  parlor, 
unless  you  are  going  out,  whilst  the  chambermaid  puts 
your  room  in  order.  You  should,  before  leaving  the 
room,  lock  your  trunk,  and  be  careful  not  to  leave 
money  or  trinkets  lying  about.  When  you  go  out,  lock 
your  door,  and  give  the  key  to  the  servant  to  hand  to 
the  clerk  of  the  office,  who  will  give  it  to  you  when  you 
return.  You  may  do  this,  even  if  you  leave  the  room  in 
disorder,  as  the  chambermaids  all  carry  duplicate  keys, 
and  can  easily  enter  your  room  in  your  absence  to  ar- 
range it.  The  door  should  not  be  left  open,  as  dishonest 
persons,  passing  along  the  entry,  could  enter  without 
fear  of  being  questioned. 

If  you  see  that  another  lady,  though  she  may  be  an 
entire  stranger,  is  losing  her  collar,  or  needs  attention 
called  to  any  disorder  in  her  dress,  speak  to  her  in  a  low 
tone,  and  offer  to  assist  her  in  remedying  the  difficulty. 

Be  careful  always  in  opening  a  door  or  raising  a  win- 
dow in  a  public  parlor,  that  you  are  not  incommoding 
any  one  else. 

Never  sit  down  to  the  piano  uninvited,  unless  you  are 
alone  in  the  parlor.  l)o  not  take  any  book  you  may 
find  in  the  room  away  from  it. 

It  is  best  always  to  carry  writing  materials  with  you, 
but  if  this  is  not  convenient,  you  can  always  obtain 
them  at  the  office. 


HOW   TO    BEHAVE   AT   A   HOTEL.  43 

In  a  strange  city  it  is  best  to  provide  yourself  with  a 
imall  map  and  guide  book,  that  you  may  be  able  to  find 
your  way  from  the  hotel  to  any  given  point,  without 
troubling  any  one  for  directions. 

If  you  wish  for  a  carriage,  ring,  and  let  the  waiter 
order  one  for  you. 

When  leaving  a  hotel,  if  you  have  been  there  for 
several  days,  give  the  waiter  at  table,  and  the  chamber- 
maid, a  fee,  as  your  unprotected  situation  will  probably 
call  for  many  services  out  of  their  regular  routine  of 
duties. 

On  leaving,  ring,  order  your  bill,  pay  it,  state  the 
time  at  which  you  wish  to  leave,  and  the  train  you  will 
take  to  leave  the  city  Request  a  man  to  be  sent,  to 
carry  your  baggage  to  the  hack  ;  and  if  you  requu'e  your 
next  meal  at  an  unusual  hour^  to  be  ready  foi  ycui 
journey,  order  it  then. 


CHAPTER   V. 

EVENING   PARTIES. 
STIQUETTE    FOR     THE    HOS'JESS. 

The  most  fashionable  as  well  as  pleasant  way  in  the 
present  day,  to  entertain  guests,  is  to  invite  them  to 
evening  parties,  which  vary  in  size  from  the  "  company," 
"sociable,'*  "  soiree,"  to  the  party, par  excellence^ y^hich 
is  but  one  step  from  the  ball. 

The  entertainment  upon  such  occasions,  may  vary  with 
the  taste  of  the  hostess,  or  the  caprice  of  her  guesto. 
Some  prefer  dancing,  some  music,  some  conversation. 
Small  parties  called  together  for  dramatic  or  poetical 
readings,  are  now  fashionable,  and  very  delightful. 

In  writing  an  invitation  for  a  small  party,  it  is  kin^^., 
as  well  as  polite,  to  specify  the  number  of  guests  invited, 
that  your  friends  may  dress  to  suit  the  occasion.  Qo  be 
either  too  much,  or  too  little  dressed  at  such  tim/^s  is 
embarrassing. 

For  large  parties,  the  usual  formula  is : 

Miss  S 's  compliments  to  Miss  Cr ,  and  re^  sests 

the  pleasure  of  her  company  for  Wednesday ,  Marc]  ?TJb, 
ut  8  o'clock* 
44 


EVENING    PARTIES.  45 

Such  an  invitation,  addressed  either  to  an  intimate 
friend  or  mere  acquaintance,  will  signify  full  dress. 

If  your  party  is  a  musical  soiree,  or  your  friends  meet 
for  reading  or  conversation  alone,  say  so  in  your  invita- 
tion. 


Misi  S requests  the  pleasure  of  Miss  Gr *«  corrv-^ 

pany^  on  Thursday  evening  next,  ot  8  oclock,  to  meet  the 

members  of  the  musical  club,  to  which  Miss  S belongs; 

or, 

Miss  S expects  a  few  friends,  on  Monday  evening 

next,  at  8  o'clock,  to  take  part  in  some  dramatic  readings, 
and  would  be  happy  to  have  Miss  Gr join  the  party. 

Always  date  your  note  of  invitation,  and  put  your 
address  in  one  corner. 

Having  dispatched  these  notes,  the  next  step  is  to 
prepare  to  receive  your  guests.  If  the  number  invited  is 
large,  and  yoM  hire  waiters,  give  them  notice  several 
days  beforehand,  and  engage  them  to  come  in  the 
morning.  Give  them  full  directions  for  the  supper,  ap 
point  one  to  open  the  door,  another  to  show  the  guests  to 
the  dressing  rooms,  and  a  third  to  wait  in  the  gentle- 
men's dressing-room,  to  attend  to  them,  if  their  services 
are  required. 

If  you  use  your  own  plate,  glass,  and  china,  show  the 
waiters  where  to  find  them,  as  well  as  the  table  cloths,  nap- 
kins, and  other  things  they  may  require.  If  you  hire 
the  service  from  the  confectioner's  or  restaurateur's  where 
you  order  your  supper,  you  have  only  to  show  your 
waiters  where  to  spread  supper,  and  tell  them  the  hour. 

Ifou  will  have  to  place  at  least  four  rooms  at  the  di\» 


t6  LADIES'    BOOK   OP   ETIQUETTE. 

pos.ll  of  your  guests — the  supper  room,  and  two  dressing 
rooms,  beside  the  drawing-room. 

In  the  morning,  see  that  the  fires  in  your  rooms  are 
in  good  order ;  and  in  the  drawing-room,  it  is  best  to 
have  it  so  arranged  that  the  heat  can  be  lessened  towards 
evening,  as  the  crowd,  and  dancing,  will  make  it  exces- 
sively uncomfortable  if  the  rooms  are  too  warm.  See 
that  the  lights  are  in  good  order,  and  if  you  propose  to 
have  music  instead  of  dancing,  or  to  use  your  piano  for 
dancing  music,  have  it  put  in  good  tune  in  the  morning. 
If  you  intend  to  dance,  and  do  not  wish  to  take  up  the 
carpets,  you  will  find  it  economical,  as  well  as  much 
pleasanter,  to  cover  them  with  coarse  white  muslin  or 
linen ;  be  sure  it  is  fastened  down  smoothly,  firmly,  and 
drawn  tightly  over  the  carpets. 

Do  not  remove  all  the  chairs  from  the  parlor ;  or,  if 
this  is  necessary,  leave  some  in  the  hall,  for  those  who 
wish  to  rest  after  dancing. 

In  the  dining-room,  unless  it  will  accommodate  all 
your  guests  at  once,  have  a  silk  cord  so  fastened  that, 
when  the  room  is  full,  it  can  be  drawn  across  the  door- 
way ;  those  following  the  guests  already  in  the  room, 
will  then  return  to  the  parlor,  and  wait  their  turn.  A 
Btill  better  way,  is  to  set  the  supper  table  twice,  inviting 
the  married  and  elderly  people  to  go  into  the  first  table, 
and  then,  after  it  is  ready  for  the  second  time,  let  the 
young  folks  go  up. 

Two  dressing-rooms  must  be  ready ;  one  for  the  ladies, 
and  the  other  for  the  gentlemen.  Have  both  these 
Tooms  comfortably  heated,  and  well  lighted.  Nothing 
ean  be  more  disagreeable  than  cold,  ill-lighted  rooms  to 


EVENING   PARTIES.  47 

firesa  in,  paiticularly  if  your  guests  cone  m  half-frozen 
by  the  cold  of  a  winter's  night,  or  still  worse,  damp  from 
a  stcrmy  one. 

Be  sure  that  there  is  plenty  of  water,  soap  and  towels 
on  th3  washstand,  t^o  or  three  brushes  and  combs  on  the 
bureau,  two  mirrors,  one  large  and  one  small,  and  a  pir 
cushion,  well  filled  with  large  and  small  pins. 

In  the  ladies'  room,  have  one,  or  if  your  party  is  largo,- 
two  women  to  wait  upon  your  guests ;  to  remove  their 
cloaks,  overshoes,  and  hoods,  and  assist  them  in  smoothing 
their  dresses  or  hair.  After  each  guest  removes  her 
shawl  and  hood,  let  one  of  the  maids  roll  all  the  things 
she  lays  aside  into  a  bundle,  and  put  it  where  she  can 
easily  find  it.  It  is  an  admirable  plan,  and  preventr 
much  confusion,  to  pin  to  each  bundle,  a  card,  or  strip  oi 
paper,  (previously  prepared,)  with  the  name  of  ^he  persc^ 
to  whom  it  belongs  written  clearly  and  distinctly  upon  it. 

Upon  the  bureau  in  the  ladies'  room,  have  a  supply  of 
hair-pins,  and  a  workbox  furnished  with  everything 
requisite  to  repair  any  accident  that  may  happen  to  the 
dress  of  a  guest.  It  is  well,  also,  to  have  Eau  de 
Cologne,  hartshorn,  and  salts  in  case  of  sudden  faint- 
ness. 

In  the  gentlemen's  room,  place  a  clothes  brush  and 
boot-jack. 

It  is  best  to  send  out  your  invitations  by  your  own 
servant,  or  one  hired  for  that  purpose  especially.  It  is 
ill-bred  to  send  invitations  either  by  the  dispatch,  or 
through  the  post-office ;  and  besides  being  discourteous, 
you  risk  offending  your  friends,  as  these  modes  cf  deliverjf 
are  proverbially  uncertain. 


48  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Be  dressed  and  ready  to  receive  your  guests  in  good 
season,  as  some,  in  their  desire  to  be  punctual,  may  come 
before  the  time  appointed.  It  is  better  to  be  ready  too 
BOon,  than  too  late,  as  your  guests  will  feel  painfully 
embarrassed  if  you  are  not  ready  to  receive  them. 

For  the  early  part  of  the  evening,  take  a  position  in 
your  parlor,  near  or  opposite  to  the  door,  that  each  guest 
may  find  you  easily.  It  is  not  necessary  to  remain  all 
the  evening  nailed  to  this  one  spot,  but  stay  near  it 
until  your  guests  have  all  or  nearly  all  assembled.  Late 
comers  will  of  course  expect  to  find  you  entertaining 
your  guests. 

As  each  guest  or  party  enter  the  room,  advance  a  few 
steps  to  meet  them,  speaking  first  to  the  lady,  or  if  there 
are  several  ladies,  to  the  eldest,  then  to  the  younger 
ones,  and  finally  to  the  gentlemen.  If  the  new  comers 
are  acquainted  with  those  already  in  the  room,  they  will 
leave,  you,  after  a  few  words  of  greeting,  to  join  their 
friends  ;  but  if  they  are  strangers  to  the  city,  or  making 
their  first  visit  to  your  house,  introduce  them  to  a  friend 
who  is  well  acquainted  in  your  circle,  who  will  entertain 
them  till  you  can  again  join  them  and  introduce  them  to 
others. 

Do  not  leave  the  room  during  the  evening.  To  see 
a  hostess  fidgeting,  constantly  going  in  and  out,  argues 
ill  for  her  tact  in  arranging  the  house  for  company. 
With  well-trained  waiters,  you  need  give  yourself  no 
uneasiness  about  the  arrangements  outside  of  the  par- 
lors. 

The  perfection  of  good  breeding  in  a  hostess,  is  perfect 


EVENING   PARTIES.  49 

ca3e  of  manner;  for  the  time  she  should  appear  to  have 
no  thought  or  care  beyond  the  pleasure  of  her  guests. 

Have  a  waiter  in  the  hall  to  open  the  front  door,  and 
another  at  the  head  of  the  first  flight  of  stairs,  to  point 
but  to  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  their  respective  dressing- 
rooms. 

Never  try  to  outshine  your  guests  in  dress.  It  is  vul- 
gar in  the  extreme.  A  hostess  should  be  dressed  as 
simply  as  is  consistent  with  the  occasion,  wearing,  if  she 
will,  the  richest  fabrics,  exquisitely  made,  but  avoiding 
any  display  of  jewels  or  gay  colors,  such  as  will  be, 
probably,  more  conspicuous  than  those  worn  by  her 
guests. 

Remember,  from  the  moment  your  first  guest  enters 
the  parlor,  you  must  forget  yourself  entirely  to  make 
the  sveiilng  pleasant  for  others.  Your  duties  will  call 
you  from  one  group  to  another,  and  require  constant 
watchfulness  that  no  one  guest  is  slighted.  Be  careful 
that  none  of  the  company  are  left  to  mope  alone  from 
oeing  unacquainted  with  other  guests.  Introduce  gen- 
tlemen to  ladies,  and  gentlemen  to  gentlemen,  ladies  to 
adics. 

It  requires  much  skill  and  tact  to  make  a  party  for 
conversation  only,  go  off"  pleasantly.  You  must  invite 
only  such  guests  as  will  mutually  please,  and  you  must 
be  careful  about  introductions.  If  you  have  a  literary 
lion  upon  your  list,  it  is  well  to  invite  other  lions  to  meet 
him  or  her,  that  the  attention  may  not  be  constantly  con- 
centrated upon  one  person.  Where  you  see  a  couple  con- 
versing slowly  and  wearily,  stir  them  up  with  a  few  sprightly 
words,  and  introduce  a  new  person,  either  to  make  »  trio, 
4 


60  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

or,  as  a  substitute  in  the  duet,  carrying  off  the  other  on« 
of  the  couple  to  find  a  more  congenial  companion  else- 
where. Never  interrupt  an  earnest  or  apparently  inter- 
esting conversation.  Neither  party  will  thank  you,  even 
if  you  propose  the  most  delightful  substitute. 

If  your  party  meet  for  reading,  have  a  table  with  the 
books  in  the  centre  of  the  apartment,  that  will  divide 
the  room,  those  reading  being  on  one  side,  the  listeners 
on  the  other.  Be  careful  here  not  to  endeavor  to  shine 
above  your  guests,  leaving  to  them  the  most  prominent 
places,  and  taking,  cheerfully,  a  subordinate  place.  On 
the  other  hand,  if  you  are  urged  to  display  any  talent 
you  may  possess  in  this  way,  remember  your  only  desire 
is  to  please  your  guests,  and  if  they  are  really  desiroua 
to  listen  to  you,  comply,  gracefully  and  promptly,  with 
their  wishes. 

If  you  have  dancing,  and  have  not  engaged  a  band,  it 
is  best  to  hire  a  pianist  for  the  evening  to  play  dancing 
music.  You  will  find  it  exceedingly  wearisome  to  play 
yourself  all  the  evening,  and  it  is  ill-bred  to  ask  any 
guest  to  play  for  others  to  dance.  This  victimizing  of 
some  obliging  guest  is  only  too  common,  but  no  true  lady 
will  ever  be  guilty  of  such  rudeness.  If  there  are 
several  members  of  the  family  able  and  willing  to  play, 
let  them  divide  this  duty  amongst  them,  or,  if  you  wish 
to  play  yourself,  do  so.  If  any  guest,  in  this  case,  offers 
to  relieve  you,  accept  their  kindness  for  one  dance  only. 
Young  people,  who  enjoy  dancing,  but  who  also  play 
well,  will  often  stay  on  the  piano-stool  all  the  evening, 
because  their  own  good-nature  will  not  allow  them  to 


EVENING    PARTIES.  61 

complain,  and   their  hostess  wilfully,  or  through  negli 
gence,  permits  the  tax. 

See  that  your  guests  are  well  provided  with  partners, 
introducing  every  gentleman  and  lady  who  dances,  to 
one  who  will  dance  well  with  them.  Be  careful  that 
none  sit  still  through  your  negligence  in  providing  part- 
ners. 

Do  not  dance  yourself,  when,  by  so  doing,  you  are 
preventing  a  guest  from  enjoying  that  pleasure.  If  a 
lady  is  wanted  to  make  up  a  set,  then  dance,  or  if,  late 
m  the  evening,  you  have  but  few  lady  dancers  left,  buf 
do  not  interfere  with  the  pleasure  in  others.  If  invited, 
say  that  you  do  not  wish  to  take  the  place  of  a  guest 
upon  the  floor,  and  introduce  the  gentleman  who  invites 
you  to  some  lady  friend  who  dances. 

It  is  very  pleasant  in  a  dancing  party  to  have  ices 
ahne,  handed  round  at  about  ten  o'clock,  having  supper 
Bet  two  or  three  hours  later.  They  are  very  refreshing, 
when  it  would  be  too  early  to  have  the  more  substantial 
supper  announced. 

It  is  very  customary  now,  even  in  large  parties,  to 
have  no  refreshments  but  ice-cream,  lemonade,  and  cake, 
or,  in  summer,  fruit,  cake,  and  ices.  It  is  less  trouble- 
some, as  well  as  less  expensive,  than  a  hot  supper,  aud 
the  custom  will  be  a  good  one  to  adopt  permanently. 

One  word  of  warning  to  all  hostesses.  You  can  never 
know,  when  you  place  wine  or  brandy  before  yDur  guests, 
whom  you  may  be  tempting  to  utter  ruin.  Better,  far 
better,  to  have  a  reputation  as  strict,  or  mer.n,  than  by 
your  example,  or  the  temptation  you  offer,  to  have  the 
sin  upon  your  soul  of  having  put  poison  before  those 


62  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

who  partook  of  your  hospitality.  It  is  not  necessary ; 
bospitality  and  generosity  do  not  require  it,  and  you 
mil  have  the  approval  of.  all  who  truly  love  you  for 
your  good  qualities,  if  you  resolutely  refuse  to  have 
either  wine  or  any  other  intoxicating  liquor  upon  your 
Bupper-table. 

If  the  evening  of  your  party  is  stormy,  let  a  waiter 
stand  in  the  vestibule  with  a  large  umbrella,  to  meet  the 
ladies  at  the  carriage  door,  and  protect  them  whilst 
crossing  the  pavement  and  steps. 

When  your  guests  take  leave  of  you,  it  will  be  in  the 
drawing-room,  and  let  that  farewell  be  final.  Do  not  ac- 
company them  to  the  dressing-room,  and  never  stop  them 
in  the  hall  for  a  last  word.  Many  ladies  do  not  like  to 
display  their  "sortie  du  soiree"  before  a  crowded  room, 
and  you  will  be  keeping  their  escort  waiting.  Say  fare- 
well in  the  parlor,  and  do  not  repeat  it. 

If  your  party  is  mixed,  that  is,  conversation,  dancing, 
and  music  are  all  mingled,  remember  it  is  your  place  to 
invite  a  guest  to  sing  or  play,  and  be  careful  not  to  of- 
fend any  amateur  performers  by  forgetting  to  invite  them 
to  favor  the  company.  If  they  decline,  never  urge  the 
matter.  If  the  refusal  proceeds  from  unwillingness  or 
inability  on  that  occasion,  it  is  rude  to  insist ;  and  if  tLey 
refuse  for  the  sake  of  being  urged,  they  will  be  justly 
punished  by  a  disappointment.  If  you  have  guests  who, 
performing  badly,  will  expect  an  invitation  to  play,  sacri- 
fice their  desire  to  the  good  of  the  others,  pass  them  by. 
[t  is  torture  to  listen  to  bad  musip. 

Do  not  ask  a  guest  to  sing  or  play  more  than  once. 


EVENING    PARTIES.  68 

This  IS  her  fair  share,  and  you  have  no  right  to  tax  her 
too  severely  to  entertain  your  other  guests.  If,  however, 
the  performancee  is  so  pleasing  that  others  ask  for  a 
repetition,  then  you  too  may  request  it,  thanking  the  per- 
former for  the  pleasure  given. 


CHAPTERVI. 

EVENING  PARTIES. 
ETIQUETTE    FOR    THE    GUEST. 

JJfc^  receiving  an  invitation  for  an  evening  party, 
answer  it  immediately,  that  your  hostess  may  know  for 
how  many  guests  she  must  provide.  If,  after  accepting 
an  invitation,  any  unforeseen  event  prevents  your  keeping 
the  engagement,  write  a  second  note,  containing  your 
regrets.     The  usual  form  is  : — 

Miss  Gr accepts  with  pleasure  Miss  S *«  polite 

invitation  for  Monday  next ; 

or, 

Miss  Cr regrets  that  a  prior  engagement  will  pre- 
vent her  accepting  Miss  S 's  kind  invitation  for  Mon^ 

day  evening. 

Punctuality  is  a  mark  of  politeness,  if  your  invitation 

states  the  hour  at  which  your  hostess  will  be  ready  to 

welcome  you.     Do  not  be  more  than  half  an  hour  later 

khan  the  time  named,  but  if  unavoidably  detained,  make 

64 


EVENING    PARTIES.  55 

no  apology  when  you  meet  your  hostess ;  it  will  be  in 
bad  taste  to  speak  of  your  want  of  punctuality. 

"When  you  arrive  at  your  friend's  house,  io  not  stop 
to  speak  to  any  one  in  the  hall,  or  upon  the  stairs,  but 
go  immediately  to  the  dressing  room.  The  gentleman 
who  iccompanies  you  will  go  to  the  door  of  the  lady's 
room,  leave  you,  to  remove  his  own  hat  and  over-coat, 
and  then  return  to  the  door  to  wait  for  you. 

In  the  dressing-room,  do  not  push  forward  to  the 
mirror  if  you  see  that  others  are  before  you  there. 
Wait  for  your  turn,  then  perform  the  needful  arrange- 
ments of  your  toilette  quickly,  and  re-join  your  escort 
as  soon  as  possible.  If  you  meet  friends  in  the  lady's- 
room,  do  not  stop  there  to  chat ;  you  keep  your  escort 
waiting,  and  your  friends  will  join  you  in  the  parlor  a 
few  moments  later. 

Avoid  all  confidential  communications  or  private  re- 
marks in  the  dressing-room.  You  may  be  overheard, 
and  give  pain  or  cause  annoyance  by  your  untimely  con- 
versation. 

When  you  enter  the  parlor,  go  immediately  to  your 
hostess,  and  speak  to  her ;  if  the  gentleman  attending 
you  is  a  stranger  to  the  lady  of  the  house,  introduce  him, 
and  then  join  the  other  guests,  as  by  delaying,  to  con- 
verse too  long  with  your  hostess,  you  may  prevent  her 
speaking  to  others  who  have  arrived  later  than  yourself. 

If  you  have  no  escort,  you  may  with  perfect  propriety 
Bond  for  the  master  of  the  house,  to  wait  upon  you  from 
the  dressing-room  to  the  parlor,  and  as  soon  as  you  have 
spoken  to  the  hostess,  thank  your  host  and  release  him, 
as    the   same    attention   may  be   required    by  others 


56  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Again,  when  alone,  if  jou  meet  a  friend  in  the  dressing 
room,  you  may  ask  the  privilege  of  entering  the  parlol 
with  her  and  her  escort ;  or,  if  she  also  is  alone,  there  is 
no  impropriety  in  two  ladies  going  into  the  room  unat« 
tended  by  a  gentleman. 

While  you  maintain  a  cheerful  deportment,  avoid  loud 
talking  and  laughing,  and  still  more  carefully  avoid  any 
action  or  gesture  that  may  attract  attention  and  mak« 
you  conspicuous.  ^ 

When  dressing  for  a  party,  while  you  show  that  you 
honor  the  occasion  by  a  tasteful  dress,  avoid  glaring 
colors,  or  any  conspicuous  ornament  or  style  of  cos- 
tume. 

Avoid  long  tete-^-tete  conversations  ;  they  are  in  bad 
taste,  and  to  hold  confidential  communication,  especially 
with  gentlemen,  is  still  worse.^ 

Do  not  make  any  display  of  affection  for  even  jour 
dearest  friend;  kissing  in  public,  or  embracing,  are  in 
bad  taste.  Walking  with  arms  encircling  waists,  or 
such  demonstrative  tokens  of  love,  are  marks  of  low 
breeding. 

Avoid  crossing  the  room  alone,  and  never  run,  even 
if  you  feel  embarrassed,  and  wish  to  cross  quickly. 

If  you  are  a  musician,  and  certain  that  you  will  confer 
pleasure  by  a  display  of  your  talents,  do  not  make  a 
show  of  reluctance  when  invited  to  play  or  sing.  Comply 
gracefully,  and  after  one  piece,  leave  the  instrument. 
Be  careful  to  avoid  the  appearance  of  wishing  to  be  in- 
vited, and,  above  all,  never  hint  that  this  would  be 
agreeable.  If  your  hostess  has  requested  you  to  bring 
vour  notes,  and  you  are  dependent  upon  them,  bring 


EVENING    PARTIES.  67 

them,  and  quietly  place  them  on  the  music  stai  ..  or, 
still  better,  send  them  in  the  afternoon.  It  is  a  better 
plan,  if  you  are  called  upon  frequently  to  contribute 
in  this  way  to  the  evening's  amusement,  to  learn  a 
few  pieces  so  as  to  play  them  perfectly  well  without 
notes. 

Never  attempt  any  piece  before  company,  unless  yen 
are  certain  that  you  can  play  it  without  mistake  or  hesi- 
tation. When  you  have  finished  your  song  or  piece, 
rise  instantly  from  the  piano  stool,  as  your  hostess 
may  wish  to  invite  another  guest  to  take  the  place. 
If  you  have  a  reason  for  declining  to  play,  do  so 
decidedly  when  first  invited,  and  do  not  change  your 
decision. 

If  your  hostess  or  any  of  the  family  play  far  the 
guests  to  dance,  it  is  both  polite  and  kind  to  offer  to  re. 
lieve  them  ;  and  if  truly  polite  themselves,  they  will  not 
take  advantage  of  the  offer,  to  over  tax  your  good 
nature. 

When  others  are  playing  or  singing,  listen  quietly  and 
attentively  ;  to  laugh  or  talk  loudly  when  there  is  music 
in  the  room,  is  rude,  both  toward  the  performer  and  youi 
hostess.  If  you  are  conversing  at  the  time  the  music 
begins,  and  you  find  that  your  companion  is  not  disposed 
to  listen  to  the  performer  at  the  harp  or  piano,  converso 
in  a  low  tone,  and  take  a  position  at  some  distance  from 
the  instrument. 

If  the  rooms  are  not  large  enough  for  all  the  guesta 
to  dance  at  one  time,  do  not  dance  every  set,  even  if  Ji- 
vited.     It  is  ill-bred  and  selfish. 


58  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

When  you  go  up  to  supper,  do  not  accept  anything 
from  any  gentleman  but  the  one  who  has  escorted  you 
from  the  parlor.     If  others  offer  you,  as  they  probably 

will,  any  refreshment,  say  that  Mr. (naming  your 

escort)  has  gone  to  get  you  what  you  desire.  He  has  a 
right  to  be  offended,  if,  after  telling  him  what  you  wifch 
for,  he  returns  to  find  you  already  supplied.  It  is  quite  aa 
rude  to  offer  what  he  brings  to  another  lady.  Her  es- 
cort is  probably  on  the  same  errand  from  which  yours 
has  just  returned.  It  may  seem  trivial  and  childish  to 
warn  a  lady  against  putting  cakes  or  bon-bons  in  her 
pocket  at  supper,  yet  it  is  often  done  by  those  who  would 
deeply  resent  the  accusation  of  rudeness  or  meanness. 
It  is  not  only  ill-bred,  but  it  gives  rise,  if  seen,  to  suspi- 
cions that  ycu  are  so  little  accustomed  to  society,  or  so 
starved  at  home,  that  you  are  ignorant  of  the  forms 
of  etiquette,  or  are  forced  to  the  theft  by  positive 
hunger. 

If  you  are  obliged  to  leave  the  company  at  an  earlier 
hour  than  the  other  guests,  say  so  to  your  hostess  in  a 
low  tone,  when  you  have  an  opportunity,  and  then  stay 
a  short  time  in  the  room,  and  slip  out  unperceived. 
By  a  formal  leave-taking,  you  may  lead  others  to 
suppose  the  hour  later  than  it  is  in  reality,  and  thus  de- 
prive your  hostess  of  other  guests,  who,  but  for  your 
example,  would  have  remained  longer.  French  leave 
is  preferable  to  a  formal  leave-taking  upon  such  oc- 
casions. 

If  you  remain  until  the  usual  hour  for  breaking 
up,  go  to  your  hostess  before  you  leave  the  room,  ex» 


EVENING    PARTIES.  69 

press    the    pleasure  you   have   enjoyed,    and   bid   her 
farewell. 

Within  the  next  week,  you  should  call  upon  your 
hostess,  if  it  is  the  first  party  you  have  attended  at  her 
house.  If  she  is  an  intimate  friend,  the  eall  should  be 
made  within  a  fortnight. 


,      CHAPTER    VII. 

VISITINQ. 
ETIQUETTE    FOR    THE    HOSTESS. 

When  you  write  to  invite  a  friend  to  visit  you,  name 
a  time  when  it  will  be  convenient  and  agreeable  for  you 
to  receive  her,  and  if  she^^ccepts  your  invitation,  so  ar- 
range your  duties  and  engagements  that  they  will  not 
interfere  with  your  devoting  the  principal  part  of  your 
time  to  the  entertainment  of  your  guest.  If  you  have 
certain  duties  which  must  be  performed  daily,  say  so 
frankly  when  she  first  arrives,  and  see  that  during  the 
time  you  are  so  occupied  she  has  work,  reading,  music, 
or  some  other  employment,  to  pass  the  time  away 
pleasantly. 

Have  a  room  prepared  especially  for  her  use,  and  let 
her  occupy  it  alone.  Many  persons  have  a  dislike  to 
any  one  sleeping  with  them,  and  will  be  kept  awake  by 
a  companion  in  the  room  or  bed.  Above  all,  do  not  put 
a  child  to  sleep  in  the  chamber  with  your  guest. 

The  day  before  your  friend  arrives,  have  her  room 

swept,  dusted,  and  aired  ;  put  clean,  fresh  linen  upon  the 

bed,  see  that  the  curtains  are  in  good  order,  the  locks  in 
60 


VISITING.  61 

perfect  repair,  and  the  closet  or  wardrobe  aud  bureau 
empty  for  her  clothes.  Have  upon  the  bureau  a  pin 
cushion  well  filled,  hair  pins,  brush  and  comb,  and  two 
mirrors,  one  large,  and  one  small  for  the  hand,  as  she 
may  wish  to  smooth  her  hair,  without  unpacking  her  own 
toilet  articles.  Upon  the  washstand,  have  two  pitchers 
full  of  water,  a  cup,  tumbler,  soap-dish  and  soapj  basih, 
brush-dish,  and  a  sponge,  wash  rag,  and  plenty  of  clean 
towels. 

Have  both  a  feather  bed  and  a  mattress  upon  the  bed- 
stead, that  she  may  place  whichever  she  prefers  upper- 
most. Two  sheets,  a  blanket,  quilt,  and  counterpane, 
should  be  on  the  bed,  and  there  should  be  two  extra 
blankets  in  the  room,  should  she  require  more  covering 
in  the  night. 

On  the  mantel  piece,  place  a  few  books  that  she  may 
read,  if  she  wishes,  before  sleeping.  Have  upon  the 
mantel  piece  a  box  of  ma^tches,  and  if  the  room  is  not 
lighted  by  gas,  have  also  a  supply  of  candles  in  a  box, 
and  a  candlestick. 

If  the  room  is  not  heated  by  a  furnace,  be  careful  that 
the  fire  is  made  every  morning  before  she  rises,  and  keep 
a  good  supply  of  fuel  in  the  room. 

Besides  the  larger  chairs,  have  a  low  one,  to  use  while 
changing  the  shoes  or  washing  the  feet. 

Upon  the  table,  place  a  full  supply  of  writing  mate-i 
rials,  as  your  guest  may  wish  to  send  word  of  her  safe 
arrival  before  unpacking  her  own  writing-desk.  Put 
two  or  three  postage  stamps  upon  this  table. 

Be  sure  that  bells,  locks,  hinges,  and  windows,  are  aU 
in  perfect  order. 


62  LADIES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUEITB. 

Before  your  guest  arrives,  go  to-  her  room.  If  it  is  in 
winter,  have  a  good  fire,  hot  water  on  the  washstand, 
and  see  that  the  windows  are  tightly  closed,  and  the 
room  cheerful  with  sunshine,  or  plenty  of  candle  or  gas 
light.  If  in  summer,  draw  the  curtains,  bow  the  shutters, 
open  the  windows,  and  have  a  fan  upon  the  table.  It  is 
well  to  have  a  bath  ready,  should  your  guest  desire  that 
refreshment  after  the  dust  and  heat  of  traveling. 

When  the  time  arrives  at  which  you  may  expect  youi 
guest,  send  a  carriage  to  the  station  to  meet  her,  and,  if 
possible,  go  yourself,  or  send  some  member  of  the  family 
to  welcome  her  there.  After  her  baggage  is  on  the  car- 
riage, drive  immediately  to  the  house,  and  be  certain  all 
is  ready  there  for  her  comfort. 

As  soon  as  she  is  at  your  house,  have  her  trunks  car- 
ried immediately  to  her  own  room,  and  lead  her  there 
yourself.  Then,  after  warmly  assuring  her  how  welcome 
she  is,  leave  her  alone  to  change  her  dress,  bathe,  or  lie 
down  if  she  wishes.  If  her  journey  has  been  a  long 
one,  and  it  is  not  the  usual  hour  for  your  next  meal, 
have  a  substantial  repast  ready  for  her  about  half  an 
hour  after  her  arrival,  with  tea  or  coffee. 

If  she  arrives  late  at  night,  after  she  has  removed  her 
bonnet  and  bathed  her  face,  invite  her  to  partake  of  a 
substantial  supper,  and  then  pity  her  weariness  and  lead 
the  way  to  her  room.  She  may  politely  assert  that  she 
cat  still  sit  up  and  talk,  but  be  careful  you  do  not  keep 
her  up  too  long ;  and  do  not  waken  her  in  the  morning. 
After  the  first  day,  she  will,  of  course,  desire  to  break- 
fast at  your  usual  hour,  but  if  she  has  had  a  long,  fa- 
t'guing  journey,  she  will  be  glad  to  sleep  late  the  first 


VISITING  68 

day.  Be  careful  that  she  has  a  hot  breakfast  ready 
when  she  does  rise,  and  take  a  seat  at  the  table  to  wait 
upon  her. 

After  the  chambermaid  has  arranged  the  guest-cham- 
ber in  the  morning,  go  in  yourself  and  see  that  all  is  in 
order,  and  comfortable,  and  that  there  is  plenty  of  fresh 
water  and  towels,  the  bed  properly  made,  and  the  room 
dusted.  Then  dc  not  go  in  again  through  the  day,  un« 
less  invited.  If  you  are  constantly  running  in,  to  put  a 
chair  back,  open  or  shut  the  windows,  or  arrange  the 
furniture,  you  will  entirely  destroy  the  pleasantest  part 
of  your  guest's  visit,  by  reminding  her  that  she  is  not 
at  home,  and  must  not  take  liberties,  even  in  her  own 
room.  It  looks,  too,,  as  if  you  were  afraid  to  trust  her, 
and  thought  she  would  injure  the  furniture. 

If  you  have  children,  forbi,d  them  to  enter  the  room 
your  friend  occupies,  unless  she  invites  them  to  do  so,  or 
they  are  sent  there  with  a  message. 

If  your  household  duties  will  occupy  your  time  for 
some  hours  in  the  morning,  introduce  your  guest  to  the 
piano,  book-case,  or  picture-folio,  and  place  all  at  her 
service.  When  your  duties  are  finished,  either  join  her 
in  her  own  room,  or  invite  her  to  sit  with  you,  and  work, 
chatting,  meanwhile,  together.  If  you  keep  your  own 
carriage,  place  it  at  her  disposal  as  soon  as  she  arrives. 

If  she  is  a  stranger  in  the  city,  accompany  her  to  the 
points  of  interest  she  may  wish  to  visit,  and  also  oifer  to 
show  her  where  to  find  the  best  goods,  should  she  wish 
to  do  any  shopping. 

Enquirs  of  your  visitor  if  there  is  any  particular  habit 
she  may  wish   to  indulge  in,  such  as  rising  late,  retiring 


64  liADIES*    BOOK   OF   ETIrJJETTE. 

earl  J,  lying  down  in  the  daytime,  or  any  other  habit  thai 
your  family  do  not  usually  follow.  If  there  is,  arrange 
it  so  that  she  may  enjoy  her  peculiarity  in  comfort.  If 
there  is  any  dish  which  is  distasteful  to  her,  avoid  placing 
it  upon  the  table  during  her  visit,  and  if  she  mentions, 
in  conversation,  any  favorite  dish,  have  it  frequently 
placed  before  her. 

If  she  is  accustomed  to  eat  just  before  retiring,  and 
your  family  do  not  take  supper,  see  that  something  is 
Bent  to  her  room  every  night. 

If  your  friend  has  intimate  friends  in  the  same  city, 
beside  yourself,  it  is  an  act  of  kindly  courtesy  to  invite 
them  to  dinner,  tea,  or  to  pass  a  day,  and  when  calls  are 
made,  and  you  see  that  it  would  be  pleasant,  invite  the 
caller  to-.-remain  to  dinner  or  tea. 

Never  accept  any  invitation,  either  to  a  party,  ball,  or 
public  entertainment,  that  does  not  include  your  guest. 
In  answering  the  invitation  give  that  as  your  reason  for 
declining,  when  another  note  will  be  sent  enclosing  an 
invitation  for  her.  If  the  invitation  is  from  an  intimate 
friend,  say,  in  answering  it,*  that  your  guest  is  with  you, 
and  that  she  will  accompany  you. 

It  is  a  mistaken  idea  to  suppose  that  hospitality  and 
«ourtesT  require  constant  attention  to  a  guest.  There 
are  times  when  she  may  prefer  to  be  alone,  either  to 
write  letters,  to  read,  or  practice.  Some  ladies  follow 
a  guest  from  one  room  to  another,  never  leaving  them 
ftlone  for  a  single  instant,  when  they  would  enjoy  an  hour 
or  two  in  the  library  or  at  the  piano,  but  do  not  like  to 
Bay  so. 


VISITING. 


61 


Tlie  best  rule  is  to  make  your  guest  feel  that  she  is 
heartily  welcome,  and  perfectly  at  home. 

When  she  is  ready  to  leave  you,  see  that  her  trunks 
are  strapped  in  time  by  the  servants,  have  a  carriage 
ready  to  take  her  to  the- station,  have  the  breakfast  cr 
dinner  at  an  hour  that  will  suit  her,  prepare  a  luncheon 
for  her  to  carry,  and  let  some  gentleman  in  the  family 
escort  her  to  the  wharf,  check  her  trunks,  and  procure 
her  tickets. 

If  your  guest  is  in  mourning,  decline  any  invitations 
to  parties  or  places  of  amusement  whilst  she  is  with  you 
Show  her  by  such  little  attentions  that  you  sympathize 
in  her  recent  affliction,  and  that  the  pleasure  of  her  so- 
ciety, and  the  love  you  bear  her,  make  such  sacrifices  of 
gayety  trifling,  compared  with  the  sweet  duty  of  comf-crt' 
ing  her. 
6 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

VISITING. 
ETIQUETTE    FOR    THE     GUEST. 

As  a  first  rule  with  regard  to  paying  a  visit,  the  best  one 
is.  never  to  accept  a  general  invitation.  Instances  are  very 
common  where  women  (I  cannot  say  ladies)  have,  upon  a 

slight  acquaintance,  and  a  "  When  you  are  in   C I 

should  be  very  happy  to  have  j^ou  visit  me,"   actually  gone 

to  C from  their  own  home,  and,  with  bag  and  baggage, 

quartered  themselves  upon   the  hospitality  of  their  newly 
made  friend,  for  weeks  at  a  time. 

Even  where  there  is  a  long  standing  friendship  it  is  not 
well  to  visit  uninvited.  It  is  impossible  for  you,  in  another 
city,  to  know  exactly  when  it  will  be  convenient  for  your 
friend  to  have  you  visit  her,  unless  she  tells  you,  and  that 
will,  of  course,  be  a  special  invitation. 

If  your  friends  are  really  desirous  to  have  you  pay  them 
a  visit,  they  will  name  a  time  when  it  will  be  convenient 
and  agreeable  to  have  you  come,  and  you  may  accept  the 
invitation  with  the  certainty  that  you  will  not  incommode 
them. 

66 


VISITING.  67 

Self-  proposed  visits  are  still  worse.  You,  in  a  man- 
ner, force  an  invitation  from  your  friend  when  you  tell 
her  that  you  can  come  at  a  certain  time,  unless  you  have 
previously  arranged  to  let  her  know  when  you  can  be  her 
guest.  In  that  case,  your  own  time  is  understood  to  be 
the  most  agreeable  for  her. 

If,  whilst  traveling,  you  pass  through  a  town  where 
you  have  friends  whom  you  wish  to  visit,  and  who  woulc' 
be  hurt  if  you  omitted  to  do  so,  go  first  to  a  hotel,  and 
either  call  or  send  word  that  you  are  there.  Then,  it  ia 
optional  with  them  to  extend  their  hospitality  or  not. 
Do  not  be  offended  if  it  is  not  done.  The  love  for  you 
may  be  undiminished,  and  the  desire  to  entertain  you 
very  great,  yet  family  reasons  may  render  such  an  invi- 
tation as  you  expect,  impossible.  Your  friend  may  hav ) 
engagements  or  duties  at  the  time,  that  would  prevent 
her  making  the  visit  pleasant  for  you,  and  wish  to  post- 
pone the  invitation  until  she  can  entertain  you  as  she 
wishes. 

To  drive,  trunks  and  all,  in  such  a  case,  to  your 
friend's  house,  without  a  word  of  warning,  is  unkind,  as 
well  as  ill-bred.  You  force  her  to  invite  you  to  stay, 
when  it  may  be  inconvenient,  and,  even  if  she  is  really 
glad  to  see  you,  and  wishes  you  to  make  a  prolonged 
visit,  you  may  feel  certain  she  would  have  preferred  tc 
know  you  were  coming.  If  she  really  loves  you,  her 
natural  desire  would  be  to  have  everything  ready  to  give 
you  a  comfortable  reception,  and  not  have  to  leave  you, 
perhaps  with  your  traveling  costume  on,  for  an  hour  or 
two,  while  she  prepares  a  room  for  you.  It  is  not  enough 
to  say,  at  such  a  time,  "  Don't  mind  me,"  or,  "  Treat  me 


68  LADIES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

as  one  of  the  family."  However  much  her  politeneai 
or  love  may  conceal  annoyance,  be  sure,  in  her  secret 
heart  she  does  mind  you,  and  remember  you  are  not  one 
of  her  private  family. 

To  take  the  liberty  of  going  to  the  house  of  a  mere 
acquaintance,  for  a  night  or  two,  while  traveling,  without 
invitation,  is  making  a  convenience  of  them,  and  weara 
the  appearance  of  wishing  to  save  the  customary  hotel- 
bill,  so,  while  it  is  extremely  ill-bred  and  impertinent,  it 
is  also  excessively  m^an. 

In  case  of  relationship,  or  long  intimate  friendship,  an 
unexpected  visit  may  be  pardoned  and  give  pleasure,  but 
it  is  better  to  avoid  it,  as  the  pleasure  will  surely  be  in- 
creased if  your  relative  or  friend  has  time  to  prepare  for 
your  reception  as  her  love  will  prompt,  and  arrange  her 
duties  and  engagements  to  really  enjoy  your  company. 

When  you  receive  an  invitation  by  letter  to  visit  a 
friend,  answer  it  immediately,  thanking  her  for  her 
proffered  hospitality,  and  say  decidedly  then  whether 
you  can  accept  or  decline. 

If  you  accept  the  invitation,  state  in  your  letter  by 
what  train,  and  at  what  hour  you  will  arrive,  that  she 
may  meet  you,  and  let  nothing  but  positive  necessity 
keep  you  from  being  punctually  at  the  time  and  place 
appointed.  To  linger  by  the  way,  for  mere  pleasure*  and 
make  her  come  several  times  to  meet  you,  is  unkind,  aa 
well  as  ill-bred.  If  you  are  unavoidably  detained,  write 
CO  her,  state  the  reason  that  will  prevent  your  keeping 
the  appointment,  and  name  another  time  when  you  can 
come. 

It  is  well  in  answering  a  letter  of  invitation,  to  state 


visiTiNa.  69 

the  limits  of  your  visit,  and  then  to  keep  them.  If  she 
is  unwilling  to  let  jou  go,  and  you  are  tempted  to  stay, 
that  very  fact  promises  well  for  the  pleasure  of  a  second 
visit.  It  is  better  to  leave  while  all  will  regret  you, 
than  to  linger  on  until  you  have  worn  out  your  welcome. 

Inquire,  as  soon  as  possible  after  your  arrival,  what 
are  the  regular  habits  of  the  family ;  the  hours  for  rising, 
for  meals,  and  for  retiring,  and  then  be  punctual  in  your 
attendance.  Many  ladies  are  very  ceremonious,  about 
waiting  for  a  guest,  and  by  delay  in  your  room,  or  inat- 
tention to  the  time,  when  you  are  out,  you  will  keep  the 
whole  family  waiting. 

If  you  do  not  wake  early  enough  for  the  usual  break- 
fast hour,  request  the  chambermaid  to  knock  at  your 
door  in  time  for  you  to  be  ready  to  go  down  with  the 
family.  Before  you  leave  your  room  in  the  morning, 
take  the  clothes  off  your  bed,  throw  the  upper  bed  over 
the  foot-boavd,  and  then  open  all  the  windows  (unless  it 
storms),  that  room  and  bed  may  be  thoroughly  aired  be- 
fore you  sit  there  again. 

After  breakfast,  ask  your  hostess  if  you  can  be  of  any 
assistance  to  her  in  the  household  duties.  If  she  declines 
your  services,  do  not  follow  her  from  room  to  room 
whilst  she  is  thus  engaged,  but  take  your  work,  books, 
or  music  to  the  sitting  room  or  parlor,  until  your  own 
room  is  ready  for  you.  By  thus  proving  that  you  can 
occupy  yourself  pleasantly,  while  she  is  away,  you  make 
it  less  annoying  to  her  to  feel  the  obligation  to  leave 
you. 

As  soon  as  you  see  that  she  is  ready  to  sew  and  chat, 
leave  your  book,  or,  if  in  your  own  room,  ccme  to  the 


TO  LADIES^  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

sitting  room,  where  she  is,  and  work  with  her.  It  is 
polite  and  kind,  if  j^ou  see  that  she  has  a  large  supply 
of  family  sewing,  to  offer  to  assist  her,  hut  if  she  posi- 
tively declines  your  aid,  then  have  some  work  of  your 
own  on  hand,  that  you  may  sew  with  her.  Many  pleasant 
mornings  may  be  spent  while  visiting,  by  one  lady  read- 
ing aloud  whilst  the  other  sews,  alternating  the  work. 

It  is  a  pretty  compliment  to  repay  the  hospitality  of 
your  hostess,  by  working  whilst  with  her  upon  some 
piece  of  fancy  work,  a  chair  cover,  sofa  cushion,  or  pair 
of  ottomans,  presenting  them  to  her  when  finished,  as  a 
keepsake.  They  will  be  duly  appreciated,  and  remind 
her  constantly  of  the  pleasures  of  your  visit. 

If  you  pass  the  morning  out  of  the  house,  remember 
your  time  is  hers,  and  have  no  engagement  to  interfere 
with  the  plans  she  has  laid  for  entertaining  you.  Observe 
this  rule  during  your  whole  visit,  and  do  not  act  inde- 
pendent of  her  plans.  By  constantly  forming  engage- 
ments without  her  knowledge,  going  out  without  her,  or 
staying  in  when  she  has  made  some  excursion  or  party 
for  your  pleasure,  you  insult  her,  by  intimating  that  her 
house  is  no  more  to  you  than  a  hotel,  to  sleep  and  eat  in, 
while  your  pleasures  lie  elsewhere. 

After  dinner,  retire  for  an  hour  to  your  own  room, 
that  your  hostess  may  lie  down  if  she  is  accustomed  to 
do  so.  If  the  hours  kept  are  later  than  you  have  been 
accustomed  to,  or  if  the  gayety  of  the  family  keeps  you 
out  at  party  or  opera,  it  is  best  to  sleep  after  dinner, 
even  if  you  do  not  always  do  it.  To  give  signs  of  weari 
ness  in  the  evening  will  be  excessively  rude,  impl j  ing 


VISITING.  Tl 

Want  of  enjoyment,  and  making  your  hostess  feel  hurt 
and  annoyed. 

If  you  have  shopping  to  do,  find  out  where  tho  best 
stores  are,  and  then  go  to  them  alone,  unless  your  hostess 
will  accompany  you  upon  similar  business  of  her  own. 
Do  not  tax  her  good  nature  to  go,  merely  for  the  sake 
of  aiding  you  as  guide.  If  one  of  the  children  in  the 
family  is  familiar  with  the  stores  and  streets,  ask  her  to 
accompany  you,  and  be  careful  to  acknowledge  the  kind- 
ness by  buying  something  especially  for  the  child  whilst 
Bhe  is  out  with  you,  if  it  is  only  some  cakes  or  bonbons. 
Choose  an  hour  when  you  are  certain  your  hostess  has 
made  no  other  engagement  for  you,  or  while  she  is  busy 
in  her  domestic  duties,  for  these  shopping  excursions. 
Ofifer,  when  you  are  going,  to  attend  to  any  shopping  she 
may  want,  and  ask  if  there  is  any  commission  you  can 
execute  for  her  while  you  are  out. 

While  on  a  visit  to  one  friend,  do  not  accept  too  many 
invitations  from  others,  and  avoid  spending  too  much 
time  in  paying  calls  where  your  hostess  is  not  acquainted. 
You  owe  the  greater  portion  of  your  time  and  society  to 
the  lady  whose  hospitality  you  are  accepting,  and  it  is 
best  to  decline  invitations  from  other  houses,  unless  they 
inclose  one  for  your  hostess  also. 

Avoid  paying  any  visits  in  a  family  not  upon  good 
terms  with  your  hostess.  If  such  a  family  are  very  dear 
friends  of  your  own,  or  you  can  claim  an  acquaintance, 
pleasant  upon  both  sides,  with  them,  write,  and  state 
candidly  the  reason  why  you  cannot  visit  them,  and  they 
will  appreciate  your  delicacy. 

If,  while  on  a  visit  to  one  friend,  you  receive  an  invi. 


72  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

tation  to  spend  some  time  with  another  friend  in  the  same 
place,  accept  it  fur  the  period  which  you  have  named  as 
the  termination  of  your  first  visit.  You  insult  your 
hostess  by  shortening  your  visit  to  her  to  accept  another 
invitation,  and  quite  as  much  of  an  insult  is  it,  to  take 
the  time  from  the  first  visit  to  go  to  pay  another,  and 
then  return  to  your  first  hostess,  unless  such  an  arrange- 
ment has  been  made  immediately  upon  your  arrival. 

Never  invite  any  friend  who  may  call  upon  you  to 
stay  to  dinner  or  tea ;  you  will  be  taking  a  most  un- 
warrantable liberty  in  so  doing.  This  is  the  right  of 
your  hostess,  and  if,  by  her  silence,  she  tacitly  declines 
extending  this  courtesy,  you  will  be  guilty  of  imperfcLiience 
in  usurping  her  privilege. 

Never  take  any  one  who  calls  upon  you  into  any  room 
but  the  parlor,  unless  invited  to  do  so  by  your  hostess. 
You  have,  of  course,  the  entrSe  of  other  rooms,  but  yoi/ 
bave  no  right  to  extend  this  privilege  to  others. 

If  you  have  many  gentlemen  visiters,  check  too  fre 
quent  calls,  and  make  no  appointments  with  them.  II 
they  show  you  any  such  attention  as  to  offer  to  drive  you 
to  places  of  interest,  or  visit  with  you  picture  galleries  or 
public  places,  always  consult  your  hostess  before  accept- 
ing such  civilities,  and  decline  them  if  she  has  made 
other  engagements  for  you.  If  you  receive  an  invitation 
to  visit  any  place  of  public  amusement,  decline  it,  unless 
one  of  the  family  with  whom  you  are  staying  is  also  in- 
vited. In  that  case  you  may  accept.  If  the  gentleman 
who  invites  you  is  a  stranger  to  the  family,  introduce 
him  to  your  hostess,  or  mention  her  name  in  conversa- 


VISITING.  73 

tion.  He  will  then,  if  he  really  desires  you  to  accept 
his  proffered  attention,  include  her  in  the  invitation. 

When  visiting  in  a  family  where  the  members  are  in 
mourning,  decline  all  invitations  to  parties  or  places  af 
public  amusement.  It  is  an  insult  to  them  to  leave  them 
to  join  in  pleasure  from  which  their  recent  affliction  ex- 
cludes them.  Your  visit  at  such  a  time  will  be  prompte*i 
by  sympathy  in  their  trouble,  and  for  the  time  it  is 
thoughtful  and  delicate  to  make  their  sorrows  yours. 

If  sudden  sickness  or  family  trouble  come  to  youi 
friend  whilst  you  are  with  her,  unless  you  can  really  he 
icseful,  shorten  your  visit.  In  time  of  trouble  families 
generally  like  to  be  alone,  all  in  all  to  each  other ;  and  a 
visitor  is  felt  a  constant  restraint. 

If  death  comes  while  you  are  with  your  friend,  en- 
deavor to  take  from  her  as  much  of  the  care  as  you  can ; 
a  really  sympathizing  friend  is  an  inexpressible  comfort 
at  such  a  time,  as  the  trying  details  which  must  be  taken 
in  charge  by  some  one,  will  be  less  trying  to  her  than  to 
a  member  of  the  family.  Do  the  necessary  shopping  for 
your  friend,  and  relieve  her  of  as  much  family  care  as 
you  can.  Let  her  feel  that  you  are  really  glad  that  you 
are  near  her  in  her  affliction,  and  repay  the  hospitality 
Bhe  offered  in  her  season  of  joy  by  showing  her  that  her 
sorrow  makes  her  still  more  dear,  and  that,  while  you 
can  enjoy  the  gayety  of  her  house,  you  will  not  flee  from 
its  mourning.  When  your  presence  can  be  of  no  further 
service,  then  leave  her. 

Put  out  your  washing  and  ironing  when  on  a  visit.  It 
is  annoying  and  ill-bred  to  throw  your  soiled  clothes  mtt 
the  family  wash. 


74  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Take  v^'iih.  you,  from  home,  all  the  writing  and  se-wiiig 
materials  you  may  require  while  paying  your  visit.  It 
is  annoying  to  be  constantly  requested  by  a  visitor  to 
lend  her  scissors,  pins,  needles,  or  paper ;  no  lady  should 
be  without  her  own  portfolio  and  work-box. 

Be  very  careful  not  to  injure  any  article  of  furniture 
in  your  sleeping  apartment,  and  if,  unfortunately,  any- 
thing suffers  from  your  carelessness,  have  the  accident 
repaired,  or  the  article  replaced,  at  your  own  expense. 

When  your  visit  is  over,  give  a  present  to  each  of  the 
servants,  varying  its  value,  according  to  the  length  of 
your  visit  or  the  services  you  may  have  required.  You 
will  add  to  the  pleasure  by  presenting  such  gifts  yourself, 
with  a  few  pleasant  words. 

Never  compare  the  house  you  may  be  visiting  with 
your  own,  or  any  other  you  may  visit.  Avoid  also 
speaking  of  any  house  where  you  may  have  been  a  guest 
in  terms  of  overpraise,  giving  glowing  pictures  of  its 
splendor.  Your  hostess  may  imagine  you  are  drawing 
comparisons  unfavorable  to  your  present  residence. 
Also  avoid  speaking  unfavorably  of  any  former  visit,  as 
your  hostess  will  naturally  conclude  that  her  turn  for 
censure  will  come  as  soon  as  your  visit  is  over. 

If  any  family  secret  comes  to  your  knowledge  while 
you  are  on  a  visit  in  that  family,  remember  the  hospi- 
tality extended  to  you  binds  you  to  the  most  inviolable 
secrecy.  It  is  mean,  coiLtemptible,  rude,  and  ill-bred  to 
make  your  entertainers  regret  their  hospitality  by  be- 
traying any  such  confidence ;  for  it  is  as  sacred  a  confi- 
ience  as  if  you  were  bound  over  to  silence  in  the  most 
solemn  manner. 


VISITING.  7c 

After  paying  a  visit,  you  should  write  to  your  hostess 
as  soon  as  you  reach  home  again  ;  thank  her  in  this  let- 
ter for  her  hospitality,  speak  warmly  of  the  enjoyment 
you  have  had  in  your  recent  visit,  and  mention  by  name 
every  member  of  tlie  family,  desiring  to  be  remembered 
to  alL 


CHAPTER  IX. 

MORNING  RECEPTIONS  OR  CALLS. 
KUQUETTE    FOR    THE    HOSTESS. 

If  your  circle  of  visiting  acquaintance  is  very  lf«rge, 
while  at  the  same  time  your  time  is  fully  occupied,  or 
your  home  duties  make  it  inconvenient  to  dress  every 
morning  to  receive  visitors,  it  is  a  good  plan  to  set  asido 
one  morning  in  the  week  for,  a  reception  day. 

Upon  your  own  visiting  cards,  below  the  name,  put 
the  day  when  it  will  be  proper  to  return  the  visit,  thus : 

Mrs.  James  Hunter. 

at  home  wednesdays. 
No,  1718  C St, 

Your  friends  will,  unless  there  is  some  especial  reason 
for  a  call  in  the  interval,  pay  their  visit  upon  the  day 
named. 

Let  nothing,  but  the  most  imperative  duty,  call  you 
out  upon  your  reception  day.     Your  callers  are,  in  ft 
measure,  invited  guests,  and  it  will  be  an  insulting  mark 
76 


MORNIKG   RECEPTICNS   OR   CALLS.  71 

of  rudenftss  to  be  out  when  they  call.  Neither  can  you 
be  excused,  except  in  case  of  sickness. 

Having  appointed  the  day  when  you  will  be  at  home 
to  see  your  friends,  you  ,.must,  for  that  day,  prepare  to 
give  your  time  wholly  to  them.  The  usual  hours  for 
morning  receptions  are  from  twelve  to  three,  and  you 
should  be  dressed,  and  ready  for  callers,  at  least  half  an 
hour  before  that  time. 

To  come  in,  flushed  from  a  hurried  toilette,  to  meet 
your  first  callers,  is  unbecoming  as  well  as  rude. 

Your  dress  should  be  handsome,  but  not  showy.  A 
silk  or  cashmere  wrapper,  richly  trimmed,  over  an  em- 
broidered skirt,  with  a  pretty  cap,  or  the  hair  neatly  ar- 
ranged without  head-dress,  is  a  becoming  and  appropri- 
ate dress.  Still  better  is  a  rich  but  plain  silk,  made  high 
in  the  neck,  with  long  sleeves.  Wear  a  handsomely 
embroidered,  or  lace  collar,  and  sleeves,  and  a  rather 
dressy  cap,  or,  still  better,  the  hair  alone,  prettily  ar- 
ranged. 

As  each  visitor  arrives,  rise,  and  advance  part  of  the 
way  to  meet  her.  If  gentlemen,  rise,  but  do  not  ad- 
vance. 

It  is  not  customary  now  to  introduce  callers  at  these 
morning  receptions,  though  you  can  do  so  with  perfect- 
propriety  where  you  know  such  an  introduction  will  be 
agreeable  to  both  parties. 

In  introducing  a  gentleman  to  a  lady,  address  her 
first,  as — 

"Miss  Jones,  permit  me  to  introduce  Mr.  Lee;*'  and, 
when  introducing  a  young  lady  to  a  matron,  you  intro- 
duce the  younger  one  to  the  elder,  as — 


rS  ladies'  book  op  etiquette. 

"Mrs.  Green,  allow  me  to  introduce  to  you  my  friend. 
Miss  Brown." 

In  introducing  strangers  in  the  city  it  is  well  to  name 
the  place  of  their  residence,  as — Mr.  James  of  Ger- 
many, or,  Mr.  Brown  of  New  York,  or,  if  they  have  re- 
cently returned  from  abroad,  it  is  well  to  say  so,  as,  Mr. 
Lee,  lately  from  India ;  this  is  useful  in  starting  conver* 
Ration. 

Be  careful,  when  introducing  your  friends,  to  pro- 
nounce the  name  of  each  one  clearly  and  distinctly,  that 
there  may  be  no  mistake  or  necessity  for  repetition. 

It  is  a  good  plan,  if  your  receptions  are  usually  largely 
attended,  to  have  books  and  pictures  on  the  centre  table, 
and  scattered  about  your  parlors.  You  must,  of  course, 
converse  with  each  caller,  but  many  will  remain  in  the 
room  for  a  long  time,  and  these  trifles  are  excellent 
pastime,  and  serve  as  subjects  for  conversation. 

It  requires  much  tact  to  knoAV  when  to  introduce 
friends,  when  to  take  refuge  under  the  shield  fashion  of- 
fers, and  not  make  them  acquainted  Avith  each  other. 
It  is  a  positive  cruelty  to  force  a  talented,  witty  person, 
to  converse  with  one  who  is  ignorant  and  dull,  as  they 
will,  of  course,  be  obliged  to  do,  if  introduced. 

A  well-bred  lady,  who  is  receiving  several  visitors  at 
a  time,  pays  equal  attention  to  all,  and  attempts,  as 
much  as  possible,  to  generalize  the  conversation,  turning 
to  all  in  succession.  The  last  arrival,  however,  reccivea 
a  little  more  attention  at  first,  than  the  others. 

If  it  is  not  agreeable  to  you  to  set  aside  a  day  for  the 
especial  reception  of  callers,  and  you  have  a  large  circle 


MORNING    RECEPTIONS   OR   CALLS,  79 

»i  acquaintances,  be  ready  to  receive  them  each  day 
that  you  are  at  home. 

If  you  are  engaged,  let  the  servant  say  so  when  she 
opens  the  door,  and  do  not  send  down  that  message 
after  your  friend  has  been  admitted.  If  she  is  told 
w^hen  she  arrives  that  you  are  engaged,  she  will  un- 
derstand that  you  are  denied  to  all  callers,  but  if  that 
message  comes  after  she  has  sent  up  her  card,  she  may 
draw  the  inference  that  you  will  not  see  her^  though  you 
may  see  other  friends. 

Never  keep  a  caller  waiting  whilst  you  make  an  elab- 
orate toilette.  If  you  are  not  ready  for  visitors,  it  is 
best  to  enter  the  parlor  in  your  wrapper,  apologizing  for 
it,  than  to  keep  your  friend  waiting  whilst  you  change 
your  dress. 

If  a  stranger  calls,  bringing  a  letter  of  introduction, 
and  sends  the  letter,  you  may  read  it  before  going  down 
stairs,  but  if  they  wait  till  you  are  in  the  parlor  before 
presenting  the  letter,  merely  glance  at  the  signature  and 
at  the  name  of  your  caller;  do  not  read  the  letter 
through,  unless  it  is  very  short,  or  you  are  requested  by 
the  bearer  to  do  so. 

If  you  have  a  friend  staying  with  you,  invite  her  to 
join  you  in  the  parlor  when  you  have  callers,  and  intro- 
duce her  to  your  friends. 

If  you  wish  to  invite  a  caller  to  stay  to  luncheon  or 
dinner,  give  the  invitation  as  soon  as  you  have  exchanged 
greetings,  not  after  she  has  been  seated  for  some  time. 
In  the  latter  case  it  appears  like  an  after  thought,  not, 
as  in  the  former,  as  if  from  a  real  desire  to  haiie  th€ 
pleasure  of  her  company. 


80  LADIES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

If  you  have  but  one  caller  at  a  time,  rise  when  she 
does,  and  accompany  her  to  the  vestibule ;  but,  if  thero 
are  several  in  the  room,  rise  when  each  one  does, 
but  only  accompany  them  to  the  parlor  door ;  there  take 
leave  of  them,  and  return  to  those  who  still  reirain 
seated. 

If,  after  affliction,  your  friends  call  before  you  are  able 
tc  see  them,  do  not  fear  to  give  offence  by  declining  to 
receive  them.  They  will  respect  your  sorrow,  and  tho 
call  is  made  more  to  show  their  sympathy  than  from  a 
desire  to  converse  with  you. 

Visits  of  condolence,  paid  between  the  death  of  one 
of  your  family  and  the  day  of  the  funeral,  you  may 
always  excuse  yourself  from,  with  perfect  propriety. 
They  are  made  in  kindness,  and  show  interest,  but  if 
you  decline  seeing  such  callers,  there  is  no  offence  given. 

In  parting  from  a  gentleman  caller,  rise  when  he  does, 
and  remain  standing  until  he  leaves  the  room,  but  do  not 
go  towards  the  door. 

When  a  gentleman  calls  in  the  morning  he  will  not 
remove  his  outside  coat,  and  will  hold  his  hat  in  his 
hand.  Never  offer  to  take  the  latter,  and  do  not  invite 
him  to  remove  his  coat.  Take  no  notice  of  either  one 
or  the  other. 

If  strangers  in  the  city  call  upon  you,  enquire  at  whit 
hotel  they  are  staying,  and  how  long  they  will  be  there, 
that  you  may  return  their  call  before  they  leave  (own* 


CHAPTER    X 

MOBNINO   RECEPTIONS   OR   CALLS. 
ETIQUETTE    FOR     THE    CALLER. 

The  usual  hours  for  paying  morning  calls  are  between 
eleven  and  two,  or  twelve  and  three,  and  all  calls  of  cere- 
mony should  be  made  between  these  hours. 

Never,  in  paying  a  ceremonious  call,  stay  more  than 
twenty  minutes,  or  less  than  ten.  If  your  hostess  has 
severalothcr  visitors  at  the  same  time  that  you  are  in  her 
parlor,  make  your  visit  short,  that  she  may  have  more 
attention  to  bestow  upon  others. 

After  you  have  received  an  invitation  to  a  party,  call 
within  a  week  or  fortnight  after  the  evening,  whether 
you  have  accepted  or  declined  the  invitation.  If  you 
have  declined  on  account  of  mourning,  the  excuse  ex- 
lends  also  to  the  call. 

When  the  servant  answers  your  ring,  hand  in  your 
card.  If  your  friend  is  out  or  engaged,  leave  the  card, 
and  if  she  is  in,  send  it  up.  Never  call  without  cards. 
You  may  offend  your  friend,  as  she  may  never  hoar  of 
your  call,  if  she  is  out  at  the  time,  and  you  trust  to  the 
memory  of  the  servant 

6  81 


82  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

If  youT  friend  is  at  home,  after  sending  your  card  up 
to  her  by  the  servant,  go  into  the  parlor  to  wait  for  her 
Sit  down  quietly,  and  do  not  leave  your  seat  until  you 
rise  to  meet  her  as  she  enters  the  room.  To  walk  about 
the  parlor,  examining  the  ornaments  and  pictures,  is  ill- 
bred.  It  is  still  more  unlady-like  to  sit  down  and  turn 
over  to  read  the  cards  in  her  card  basket.  If  she  keeps 
y)u  waiting  for  a  long  time,  you  may  take  a  book  from 
the  centre-table  to  pass  ayray  the  interval. 

Never,  while  waiting  in  a  friend's  parlor,  go  to  the 
piano  an-d  play  till  she  comes.  This  is  a  breach  cf  good- 
breeding  often  committed,  and  nothing  can  be  more  ill- 
bred  You  may  be  disturbing  an  invalid  unawares,  or 
you  may  prevent  your  friend,  if  she  has  children,  from 
coming  down  stairs  at  all,  by  waking  the  baby. 

If  you  are  a  stranger  in  the  city,  and  bring  a  lettei  of 
introduction  to  your  hostess,  send  this  letter  up  staira 
with  your  card,  that  she  may  read  it,  and  know  how  to 
welcome  you  when  she  comes  down  stairs.  In  this  case, 
write  upon  the  card  the  name  of  the  hotel  at  which  you 
are  staying,  and  mention  in  the  course  of  conversation, 
how  long  you  will  be  in  the  city. 

If  you  have  a  visitor,  and  desire  to  introduce  her  to 
your  friends,  you  may  invite  her  to  accompany  you  when 
paying  calls. 

In  making  a  call  for  condolence,  it  is  sufficient  to  leave 
,  a  card  with  your  enquiries  for  the  health  of  your  friend, 
and  ofifers  of  service.     The  same  if  calling  upon  invalids, 
if  they  are  too  ill  to  see  you. 

In  visits  of  congratulation,  go  in,  and  be  hearty  in 
jrour  expressions  of  interest  and  sympathy.     Pay  visits, 


MORNING    RECEPTIONS    OR   CALLS.  88 

both  of  condolence  and  congratulation,  within   a  week 
after  the  event  which  calls  for  them  occurs. 

It  is  proper,  when  you  have  already  made  your  call  of 
the  usual  length,  and  another  caller  is  announced,  to  rise 
and  leave,  not  immediately,  as  if  you  shunned  the  new 
arrival,  but  after  a  moment  or  two.  Never  out-sit  two 
or  three  parties  of  visitors,  unless  you  have  private  busi- 
ness with  your  hostess  which  cannot  be  postponed.  Many 
denounce  the  system  of  morning  calls  as  silly,  frivolous, 
and  a  waste  of  time.  They  are  wrong.  It  may  be 
carried  to  an  ex-cess,  and  so  admit  of  these  objections, 
but  in  moderation  the  custom  is  a  good  and  pleasant  one. 
You  have  then  an  opportunity  of  making  friends  of  mere 
acquaintances,  and  you  can,  in  a  pleasant  chat  with  a 
friend  at  home,  have  more  real  enjoyment  in  her  society 
than  in  a  dozen  meetings  in  large  companies,  with  all  the 
formality  and  restraint  of  a  party  thrown  around  you. 
There  are  many  subjects  of  conversation  which  are 
pleasant  in  a  parlor,  tete-^-tete  with  a  friend,  which  you 
would  not  care  to  discuss  in  a  crowded  saloon,  or  in  the 
street.  Personal  inquiries,  private  aflfairs  can  be  cosily 
chatted  over. 

In  paying  your  visits  of  condolence,  show,  by  your  own 
quiet  gravity,  that  you  sympathize  in  the  recent  affliction 
of  your  friend.  Though  you  may  endeavor  to  comfort 
An  i  cheer  her,  you  must  avoid  a  gay  or  careless  air,  as  it 
will  be  an  insult  at  such  a  time.  Avoid  any  allusion  to 
the  past  that  may  be  trying  for  her  to  hear  or  answer, 
yet  do  not  ignore  the  subject  entirely,  as  that  appears 
like  a  want  of  interest  in  it.  Though  you  may  feel 
happy,  avoid  parading  your  own  joyousness  at  such  ft 


84  LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

time ;  whatever  your  own  feeling  may  be,  respect  the 
Borrow  of  another. 

Never  sit  gazing  curiously  around  the  room  when  pay- 
ing a  call,  as  if  taking  a  mental  inventory  of  the  fur- 
niture. It  is  excessively  rude.  It  is  still  worse  to 
appear  to  notice  any  disorder  or  irregularity  that  may 
occur. 

If,  while  paying  a  call,  you  perceive  that  any  unforo* 
seen  matter  in  the  family,  calls  for  the  attention  of  the 
lady  of  the  house,  leave  instantly,  no  matter  how  short 
your  call  has  been.  Your  friend  may  not  appear  to 
notice  the  screams  of  a  child,  a  noise  in  the  kitchen,  or 
the  cry  from  the  nursery  that  the  fire  board  has  caught 
fire,  but  you  may  be  sure  she  does  hear  it,  and  though 
too  well-bred  to  speak  of  it,  will  heartily  rejoice  to  say 
good-bye. 

Do  not  take  a  child  with  you  to  pay  calls,  until  it  is 
old  enough  to  behave  quietly  and  with  propriety.  To 
have  a  troublesome  child  constantly  touching  the  parlor 
ornaments,  balancing  itself  on  the  back  of  a  chair,  lean- 
ing from  a  window,  or  performing  any  of  the  thousand 
tricks  in  which  children  excel,  is  an  annoyance,  both  to 
yourself  and  your  hostess. 

Make  no  remark  upon  the  temperature  of  the  room,  or 
its  arrangement,  when  you  enter  it.  Never  open  or  shut 
a  window  or  door  without  asking  permission,  and  unless 
really  suffering  from  excessive  heat  or  cold,  refrain  from 
asking  leave  to  take  this  liberty. 

If  you  are  invited  to  go  up  stairs  to  your  friend's  pri- 
vate apartment,  you  will,  of  course,  accept  the  invitation, 
but  never  go  up  stairs  uninvited.     When  you  reach  her 


MORNING   RECEPTIONS   OR   CALLS.  85 

door,  if  the  servant  has  not  preceded  and  announced  you, 
knock,  and  await  her  invitation  to  enter.  Then,  once 
in,  take  no  notice  of  the  room,  but  go  instantly  to  your 
friend.  If  she  is  sewing,  do  not  speak  of  the  nature  of 
her  work,  but  request  her  to  continue,  as  if  you  were  not 
present. 

In  cases  of  long  standing  friendship,  you  will  not,  of 
course,  stand  upon  the  ceremony  of  waiting  for  each  and 
every  one  of  your  calls  to  be  returned  before  paying 
another,  but  be  careful  that  you  are  not  too  lavish  of 
your  visits.  The  most  cordial  welcome  may  be  worn 
threadbare,  if  it  is  called  into  use  too  often. 

If  you  are  visiting  an  invalid,  or  one  confined  by 
physical  infirmity  to  one  apartment,  while  you  are  cheer- 
ful and  ready  to  impart  all  the  news  that  will  interest 
them,  do  not,  by  too  glowing  descriptions  of  out-door 
pleasures,  make  them  feel  more  keenly  their  own  depri- 
vations. It  is  well,  when  making  such  calls,  to  converse 
upon  literature,  or  such  general  subjects  as  will  not  re- 
mind them  of  their  misfortune. 

In  cases  where,  from  long  illnjgss  or  other  infirmity,  a 
gentleman  friend  is  confined  entirely  to  his  room,  you 
may,  with  perfect  propriety,  call  upon  him.  It  is  both 
polite  and  kind  to  do  so,  as  otherwise  he  would  be 
deprived  entirely  of  the  society  of  his  lady  friends. 
Many  thus  unfortunately  situated,  from  study  and  read- 
ing while  so  shut  out  from  the  world,  become  the  most 
delightful  companions 

If,  when  you  make  a  call,  you  unfortunately  intrude 
upon  an  early  dinner  hour,  do  not  go  in,  but  leave  your 
tard,  and  say  that  you  will  call  again. 


86  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

If  you  call  upon  two  ladies  who  are  boarding  at  the 
same  house,  do  not  send  up  your  card  to  both  at  the 
same  time.  If  one  is  out,  send  a  card  to  her  room,  and 
then  send  up  for  the  other.  If  the  first  one  is  in,  wan 
till  she  comes  down,  and  then  chat  as  long  as  a  3all 
usually  lasts.  When  you  rise  as  if  to  take  leave,  ac- 
company your  friend  to  the  parlor  door,  then  tell  ner 
that  you  are  going  to  send  up  for  your  other  friend. 
She  will  bid  you  good-morning,  and  go  to  her  own  room  ; 
ring  the  bell  after  she  leaves  you,  and  send  your  card  by 
the  waiter  to  your  other  friend. 

In  calling  at  a  hotel,  enter  by  the  ladies'  door,  and 
send  your  card  to  the  room  of  your  friend  by  the  waiter. 
It  is  well,  if  you  are  calling  upon  an  entire  stranger,  to 
choose  a  seat,  and  tell  the  waiter  to  say  to  the  lady 
exactly  where  she  will  find  you.  She  will  probably 
enter  with  your  card  in  her  hand  ;  then  rise,  greet  her 
by  name,  and  introduce  yourself.  If  you  speak  to 
another  stranger  upon  the  same  errand  as  the  one  you 
expect,  the  error  will  be  instantly  perceived  by  the  dif 
ference  in  name.  If  a  stranger,  bringing  a  letter  of  in 
troduction,  sends  the  letter  with  her  card,  instead  of 
calling,  courtesy  requires  you  to  make  the  first  call,  im- 
mediately ;  the  same  day  that  you  receive  the  letter,  if 
possible,  if  not,  the  day  after. 


etf AFTER  XI. 

DINNER   COMPANY. 
ETIQUETTE    FOR     THE    HOSTESS. 

In  issuing  invitations  for  a  large  dinner  partj,  the 
usual  form  is — 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  G request  the  favor  of  Mr.  and 

Mrs.  L '«  company  to  dinner,  on  Wednesday,  March 

Sth,  at o'clock. 

If  your  husband  is  giving  a  party  to  gentlemen  only, 
he  will  have  a  card  printed  or  written  for  the  occasion, 
but  your  duties  as  hostess,  if  he  wishes  you  to  preside, 
will  still  be  as  arduous  as  if  your  own  friends  were  in- 
cluded in  the  invitation. 

The  directions  given  in  the  chapter  on  "  Evening  par- 
ties" for  the  arrangement  of  the  parlor  and  the  dressing- 
rooms,  will  apply  here  equally  well,  but  the  dining-room 
^in  this  case  the  centre  of  attraction)  requires  still  more 
careful  attention.  Any  fault  here  will  mar  your  own 
comfort  and  the  pleasure  of  your  guests,  and  must  be 
carefully  avoided. 

Send  out  your  invitations  by  a  servant,  or  man  hired 

87 


88  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

for  the  purpose ;  do  not  trust  them  to  despatch  or  penny 
post. 

Be  careful  in  selecting  the  guests  for  a  dinner  party. 
Remember  that  conversation  will  be  the  sole  entertain- 
ment for  several  hours,  and  if  your  guests  are  not  well 
chosen,  your  dinner,  no  matter  how  perfect  or  costly  the 
viands,  will  prove  a  failure.  The  most  agreeable  dinners 
are  those  whose  numbers  will  allow  all  the  guests  to  join 
in  a  common  conversation,  and  where  the  host  has  spirit 
and  intelligence  to  take  the  lead,  and  start  a  new  subject 
when  the  interest  in  the  old  one  begins  to  flag.  Dinners 
where  the  guests  depend  entirely  upon  the  person  next 
them  for  conversation,  are  apt  to  be  stupid,  as  it  requires 
marvelous  tact  to  pair  off  all  the  couples,  so  that  every 
one  will  be  entertaining  in  tete-a-tete  conversation. 

To  give  a  good  dinner,  your  means,  room,  and  estab 
lishiftent  must  all  be  taken  into  consideration  when  you 
are  preparing  for  a  dinner  company.  If  you  invite  a 
large  number,  you  must  increase  your  establishment  for 
the  occasion,  as  to  sit  down  to  a  dinner  badly  served, 
with  a  scarcity  of  waiters,  is  tiresome,  and  shows  little 
tact  or  grace  on  the  part  of  the  hostess. 

One  cook  cannot  prepare  dinner  properly  for  more 
than  ten  persons,  and  three  waiters  will  find  ample  em- 
ployment in  w^aiting  upon  the  same  number.  More  than 
this  number  will  require  a  table  too  large  for  general, 
easy  conversation,  and  throw  your  company  into  couples 
or  trios,  for  entertainment. 

Have  your  table  spread  in  a  room  that  will  accommo- 
date all  the  guests  comfortably,  at  the  same  time  avoid 
putting  a  small  social  party  in  a  large  room,  where  they 


DINNER   COMPANY.  8S 

will  appear  lost  in  the  space  around  them.  Let  the 
room  be  comfortably  warmed,  and  if  your  dinner  is  late, 
have  the  apartments  well  lighted.  If  you  sit  down  by 
daylight,  but  will  remain  in  the  room  until  after  dark, 
have  the  shutters  closed  and  the  lights  lit,  before  the 
dinner  is  announced,  as  nothing  can  be  more  awkward 
than  to  do  this  in  the  middle  of  the  meal. 

The  shape  of  a  table  is  a  point  of  more  importance 
than  some  people  think.  If  you  wish  your  dinner  to  bo 
social — ^not  a  mere  collection  of  tete-a-tetes — the  table 
should  be  of  a  shape  which  will  make  it  easy  for  each 
guest  to  address  any  one  at  the  table.  The  long 
parallelogram,  with  the  host  at  one  end  and  the  hostess 
at  the  other,  is  stiff,  too  broad,  too  long,  and  isolates  the 
givers  of  the  feast  from  the-  guests. 

The  round  table,  if  large  enough  to  accommodate 
many  guests,  has  too  large  a  diameter  each  way  for  easy 
conversation.  The  best  table  is  the  oval,  and  the  host 
and  hostess  should  sit  in  the  middle  of  each  side,  facing 
each  other. 

The  dining  r^om,  even  in  the  heat  of  summer,  should 
be  carpeted,  to  deaden  the  noise  of  the  servants'  feet. 
The  chairs  should  be  easy,  without  arms,  and  with  tall, 
slanting  backs.  It  adds  much  to  the  comfort,  if  each 
person  is  provided  with  a  foot-stool. 

You  must  have,  besides  the  waiters,  one  servant  to 
carve,  and  he  must  be  an  adept.  No  iish  should  be 
carved  upon  the  table,  and  that  no  guest  shall  wait  too 
long  for  his  meat,  you  must  engage  a  rapid  and  dexterous 
carver. 

For  a  party  of  ten,  two  waiters,  and  the  carver,  ar« 


90  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

amply  sufficient.  If  you  have  too  many  servants,  they 
will  only  interfere  Avith  each  other,  and  stand  staring  at 
the  guests.  Give  your  orders  before  dinner,  and  through 
the  meal  never  speak  to  the  servants.  Your  whole  at- 
tention must  be  given  to  the  guests.  Even  if  you  see 
that  matters  are  going  wrong,  do  not  let  your  annoyance 
appear,  but  gracefully  ignore  the  painful  facts.  Let 
each  servant  have  his  regular  position  at  the  table.  One 
should  take  the  guests  at  the  right  of  the  hostess,  and 
the  left  of  the  host ;  the  other  the  guests  on  the  other 
side.  They  should  wear  light,  noiseless  shoes,  and 
white  gloves,  and  each  one  carry  a  folded  napkin  over 
his  right  arm. 

The  main  point  in  the  arrangement  of  the  table  itself, 
is  to  secure  beauty,  without  interfering  with  conversation. 
The  table  cover  and  napkins  must  be  of  snowy  damask, 
the  glass  clear  as  crystal,  and  taste  must  preside  over 
each  detail.  Let  nothing  high  be  placed  on  the  table, 
that  will  effectually  separate  the  guests  from  each  other. 
There  should  be,  first,  a  handsome  centre  piece,  and  this 
may  be  of  glass,  silver,  or  china,  and  not  too  high  or 
large,  and  must  be  elegant  as  a  work  of  art,  or  it  is  better 
omitted  altogether.  Preserve  or  fruit  stands,  tastefully 
decorated,  with  the  fruit  on  fresh,  green  leaves,  and 
flowers  mingled  with  them,  form  exquisite  centre  pieces. 
A  pyramid  of  flowers,  or  tasty  vase  or  basket,  forms,  too, 
a  beautiful  ornament  for  the  centre  of  the  table.  Li  ad- 
dition to  this,  the  French  scatter  vases  of  flowers  all  over 
the  table,  at  the  corners  and  in  the  centre.  Some  place 
a  small,  fragrant  bouquet  before  the  plate  cf  each  gueet. 
Nothing  can  be  more  beautiful  than  this  arrangement 


DINNER   COMPANY.  9i 

Glasses  of  celery,  dishes  of  clear,  transparent  jellies  or 
preserves,  extpisite  little  glass  plates  of  pickles  should 
stand  in  order  on  the  table. 

Place  before  each  guest,  the  plate,  knife,  fork,  spoon, 
four  wine-glasses  of  various  sizes,  the  goblet  for  water, 
napkin,  small  salt  cellar,  salt  spoon,  and  roll  of  bread. 
Pbicc  none  of  the  meats  or  vegetables  upon  the  large 
table.  These  should  all  be  served  at  a  side-table,  each 
guest  selecting  his  own,  to  be  handed  by  the  servants. 
The  first  course  is  soup.  As  this  is  not  meant  to  destroy 
the  appetite  for  other  viands,  it  should  be  light,  not  too 
rich  or  thick.  Let  the  servant  hand  one  ladlefull  to  each 
person.  If  you  have  more  than  one  kind,  he  must  first 
inquire  which  each  guest  prefers. 

If  you  have  wines,  let  them  be  handed  round  after  the 
'  soup. 

Next  comes  the  fish.  If  you  have  large  fish,  let  a 
slice,  cut  smoothly,  not  made  into  a  hash  by  awkward 
carving,  be  placed  upon  the  plate  of  the  guest,  with  a 
slice  of  egg,  and  drawn  butter.  If  the  fish  are  small, 
one  should  be  placed  upon  each  plate. 

Then  come  the  patties  of  oysters,  minced  -real,  or 
lobster ;  or,  instead  of  these,  you  may  have  poultry  or 
game. 

Next  the  roast.  With  the  meats  have  vegetables 
served  on  a  separate  plate,  that  the  guest  may  take  as 
much  as  he  wishes  with  meat.  You  will,  of  course,  have 
a  variety  of  vegetables,  but  scarcely  any  guest  will  choose 
more  than  two. 

The  pastry  and  puddings  come  next  in  order,  and 
tese,  too,  are  better  served  from  a  side  table.     Between 


92  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

the  pastry  and  the  dessert,  have  salad  and  cheese  placed 
before  each  guest. 

If  you  eat  dessert  in  the  same  room  that  you  dine  in, 
it  should  be  placed  upon  the  table  (with  the  exception 
of  the  ices)  before  the  guests  are  seated,  and  this  comes 
after  the  pastry  has  been  discussed.  It  should  consist 
of  fruit  and  ices. 

A  pleasanter  and  more  elegant  way,  is  to  have  the 
fruit  and  ices  spread  in  a  separate  room,  and  leave  the 
dining  room  after  the  pastry  has  been  eaten.  The 
change  of  position,  the  absence  of  the  meat  flavor  in  the 
atmosphere,  make  the  dessert  much  more  delightful  than 
if  it  is  eaten  in  the  same  room  as  the  dinner.  In  summer 
especially,  the  change  to  a  cool,  fresh  room,  where  the 
ices  and  fruits  are  tastefully  spread,  and  flowers  are 
scattered  profusely  about  the  room,  delights  every 
sense. 

Cofiee  follows  the  dessert,  and  when  this  enters,  if 
your  guests  are  gentlemen  only,  your  duty  is  at  an  end. 
You  may  then  rise,  leave  the  room,  and  need  not  re-ap- 
pear. If  you  have  lady  guests,  you  give  the  signal  for 
rising  after  cofiee,  and  lead  the  way  to  the  parlor, 
where,  in  a  few  moments,  the  gentlemen  will  again  join 
you. 

Suppose  your  guests  invited,  servants  instructed,  every 
arrangement  made,  and  the  important  day  arrived.  The 
next  point  to  consider  is  the  reception  of  your  guests. 
Be  dressed  in  good  season,  as  many  seem  to  consider  an 
invitation  to  dinner  as  one  to  pass  the  day,  and  come 
early.  Take  a  position  in  your  drawing-room,  where 
each  guest  will  find  you  easily,  and  remain  near  it,  un*i1 


DINNER    COMPANY.  93 

every  guest  Las  arrived.     As  each  one  enters,  advance 
to  meet  him,  and  extend  your  hand. 

Have  plenty  of  chairs  ready  in  the  drawing-r(Jom,  as 
an  invitation  to  dinner  by  no  means  argues  a  ''  stand  up" 
party.  As  you  have  already  arranged  every  detail,  your 
duty  as  hostess  consists  in  receiving  your  guests  grace- 
fully, conversing  and  looking  as  charmingly  as  possible. 
Flowers  in  the  drawing-room  are  as  great  a  proof  of 
taste  as  in  the  dining  room. 

As  the  time  just  before  dinner  is  very  apt  to  be  tire- 
some, you  should  bring  forward  all  the  armor  against 
stupidity  that  you  possess.  Display  upon  tables  arranged 
conveniently  about  the  room,  curiosities,  handsome  books, 
photographs,  engravings,  stereoscopes,  medallions,  any 
works  of  art  you  may  own,  and  have  the  ottomans,  sofas, 
and  chairs  so  placed  that  your  guests  can  move  easily 
about  the  room,  or  rooms. 

The  severest  test  of  good  breeding  in  a  lady,  is  in  the 
position  of  hostess,  receiving  dinner  guests.  Your 
guests  may  arrive  all  at  once,  yet  you  must  make  each 
one  feel  that  he  or  she  is  the  object  of  your  individual 
attention,  and  none  must  be  hurt  by  neglect.  They  may 
arrive  very  early,  yet  your  duty  is  to  make  the  time  fly 
until  dinner  is  announced.  They  may  come  late,  and 
risk  the  ruin  of  your  ciioicest  dishes,  yet  you  must  not, 
upon  pain  of  a  breach  of  etiquette,  show  the  least  an- 
noyance. If  you  know  that  the  whole  kitchen  is  in 
arras  at  the  delay,  you  must  conceal  the  anguish,  as  the 
Spartan  boy  did  his  pangs,  to  turn  a  cheerful,  smiling 
^ce  upon  the  tardy  guests. 

"Wlien  dinner  is   announced,  you  will  lead  the  way 


94  LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

to  the  dining-room  upon  the  arm  of  one  of  your  gentle- 
men guests,  having  paired  off  the  company  in  couplea 
The  host  comes  in  hist  with  a  lady  upon  his  arm. 

You  may  indicate  to  each  couple,  as  they  enter  the 
dining-room,  the  seats  they  are  to  occupy,  standing  until 
all  are  seated,  or  you  may  allow  them  to  choose  their 
own  places.  The  English  fashion  of  placing  a  card  upon 
each  plate  with  the  name  of  the  person  to  take  that  seat 
upon  it,  is  a  good  one.  It  enables  the  hostess  to  place 
those  whom  she  is  certain  will  be  mutually  entertaining, 
next  each  other.  Place  the  gentleman  who  escorts  you 
from  the  parlor  at  your  right  hand. 

Having  once  taken  your  seat  at  table,  you  have 
nothing  to  do  with  the  dinner  but  to  partake  of  it.  Nc 
a  w^ord,  or  even  a  glance,  will  a  well-bred  hostess  bestow 
upon  the  servants,  nor  will  she  speak  to  the  guests  of 
the  dishes.  Their  choice  rests  between  themselves  and 
the  waiters,  and  you  must  take  no  notice  of  what  they 
eat,  how  much,  or  how  little.  Nay,  should  they  partake 
of  one  dish  only,  you  must  ignore  the  fact. 

The  greatest  tact  is  displayed  where  the  hostess  makes 
each  guest  feel  perfectly  at  ease.  She  will  aid  her  hus 
band  both  in  leading  and  supporting  the  conversation 
and  will  see  that  no  guest  is  left  in  silence  from  want  ot 
attention.  Whilst  she  ignores  every  breach  of  etiquette 
her  guests  may  commit,  she  must  carefully  observe  every 
rule  herself,  and  this  she  must  do  in  an  easy,  natural 
manner,  avoiding  every  appearance  of  restraint.  Iler 
deportment,  she  may  be  sure,  is  secretly  Avatched  and 
criticised  by  each  guest,  yet  she  must  appear  utterlj 


DINNER    COMPANY.  96 

nnconscious  that  she  is  occupying  any  conspicuous  posi- 
tion. 

To  watch  the  servants,  or  appear  uneasy,  lest  some- 
thing should  go  wrong,  is  excessively  ill-bred,  and  if 
any  accident  does  occur,  you  only  make  it  worse  by  n  > 
ticing  it.  To  reprove  or  speak  sharply  to  a  servant  be- 
fore your  guests,  manifests  a  shocking  want  of  good 
breeding. 

The  rules  given  above  are  only  applicable  to  large 
dinner  parties,  and  where  the  guests  are  few,  and  the 
host  himself  carves,  these  rules  will  not  apply .^  In  this 
case,  as  you  will  only  require  the  services  of  your  own 
household  domestics,  you  must,  of  course,  attend  per- 
sonally to  the  wants  of  your  guests. 

Dinner  not  being  served  from  a  side  table,  you  must, 
while  putting  tasteful  ornaments  upon  it,  be  careful  not 
to  crowd  them,  and  leave  room  for  the  substantial  dishes. 

You  must  watch  the  plate  of  each  guest,  to  see  that 
it  is  well  ^provided,  and  you  will  invite  each  one  to  par- 
take of  the  various  dishes. 

Have  a  servant  to  pass  the  plates  from  you  to  each 
guest,  and  from  the  host  to  you,  after  he  has  put  the 
meat  upon  them,  that  you  may  add  gravy  and  vegetables 
before  they  are  set  before  your  visitors. 

At  these  smaller  dinner  companies,  avoid  apologizing 
for  anything,  either  in  the  viands  or  the  arrangement  of 
them.  You  have  provided  the  best  your  purse  will  al- 
low, prepared  as  faultlessly  as  possible ;  you  will  only 
gain  credit  for  mock  modesty  if  you  apologize  for  a  well- 
prepared,  well -spread  dinner,  and  if  there  are  faults  they 


95  LADIES*    BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

will  only  be  made  more  conspicuous  if  attention  is  drawn 
to  them  by  an  apology. 

Ease  of  manner,  quiet  dignity,  cheerful,  intelligent 
conversation,  and  gentle,  lady-like  deportment,  never  ap- 
pear more  charming  than  when  they  adorn  a  lady  at  the 
head  of  her  own  table. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

DINNER  CQMPANY. 
ETIQUETTE    FOR    THE    GUEST. 

When  you  receive  an  invitation  to  join  a  dinner-parly, 
Inswer  it  immediately,  as,  by  leaving  your  hostess  in 
doubt  whether  you  intend  to  accept  or  decline  her  hospi- 
tality, you  make  it  impossible  for  her  to  decide  how 
many  she  must  prepare  for.  If  you  accept  at  first,  and 
any  unforeseen  event  keeps  you  from  fulfilling  your  en- 
gagement, write  a  second  note,  that  your  hostess  may 
not  wait  dinner  for  you.  Such  a  note,  if  circumstances 
render  it  necessary  to  write  it,  may  be  sent  with  perfect 
propriety  an  hour  before  the  time  appointed  for  dinner, 
though,  if  you  are  aware  that  you  cannot  attend,  earlier, 
you  must  send  the  information  in  good  season. 

You  should  enter  the  house  of  your  hostess  from  a 
quarter  to  half  an  hour  earlier  than  the  time  appointed 
for  dining.  Proceed  at  once  to  the  dressing-room,  and 
arrange  your  dress  and  hair,  and  then  enter  the  drawing- 
room.  By  going  to  the  house  too  early,  you  may  hasten 
or  interrupt  the  toilet  arrangements  of  your  hostess; 
7  97 


98  LADIES*    BOOK    OF   ETIQUETTE. 

while,  by  being  late,  you  will  establish  a  most  disagreea« 
ble  association  in  the  minds  of  all  present,  as  "  the  ladj 
who  kept  dinner  waiting  at  Mrs.  L 's." 

Immediately  upon  entering  the  parlor  find  your 
hostess,  and  speak  to  her  first.  It  is  very  rude  to  stop 
to  chat  with  other  guests  before  greeting  the  lady  of  the 
house.  You  may  bow  to  any  one  you  know,  in  passing, 
but  do  not  stop  to  speak.  Having  exchanged  a  few 
words  with  your  hostess,  turn  to  the  other  guests,  unless 
you  are  the  first  arrival.  In  that  case,  converse  with 
your  host  and  hostess  until  others  come  in. 

Be  careful,  if  dinner  is  delayed  by  the  tardiness  of 
the  guests,  or  from  any  other  cause,  that  you  do  not 
show  by  your  manner  that  you  are  aware  of  such  delay. 
To  look  towards  the  door  often,  consult  your  watch,  or 
give  tokens  of  weariness,  are  all  marks  of  ill-breeding. 
Your  hostess  will  probably  be  sufficiently  annoyed  by  the 
irregularity  itself ;  do  not  add  to  her  discomfort  by  allow- 
ing her  to  suppose  that  her  guests  perceive  the  deficien- 
cies. Look  over  the  books  and  pictures  with  an  air  of 
interest,  converse  cheerfnlly,  and  in  every  way  appear 
as  if  dinner  were  a  matter  of  secondary  importance,  (as, 
indeed,  it  should  be,)  compared  with  the  pleasure  of  the 
society  around  you. 

When  the  signal  for  dinner  is  given,  your  hostess  will 
probably  name  your  escort  to  the  table.  If  he  is  a 
stranger,  bow  in  acknowledgement  of  the  introduction, 
take  his  arm,  .and  fall  into  your  place  in  the  stream  of 
guests  passing  from  the  parlor  to  the  dining-room. 

Take  the  seat  pointed  out  by  your  hostess,  or  the 
waiter,  as  soon  as  it  is  ofiered.     Each  one  will  do  this 


DINNER   COMPAN"X,  99 

upon  entering,  and  it  prevents  the  confusion  that  will  re- 
Bult  if  those  first  entering  the  room,  remain  standing  until 
all  tlie  other  guests  come  in. 

When  you  take  your  seat,  he  careful  that  your  chair 
does  not  stand  upon  the  dress  of  the  lady  next  you,  as 
she  may  not  rise  at  the  same  instant  that  you  do,  and  so 
you  risk  tearing  her  dress. 

Sit  gracefully  at  the  tahle ;  neither  so  close  as  to  make 
your  movements  awkward,  nor  so  far  away  as  to  drag 
your  food  over  your  dress  before  it  reaches  your  mouth. 
It  is  well  to  carry  in  your  pocket  a  small  pincushion, 
and,  having  unfolded  your  napkin,  to  pin  it  at  the  belt. 
You  may  do  this  quietly,  without  its  being  perceived, 
and  you  will  thus  really  save  your  dress.  If  the  napkin 
is  merely  laid  open  upon  your  lap,  it  will  be  very  apt  to 
slip  down,  if  your  dress  is  of  silk  or  satin,  and  you  risk 
the  chance  of  appearing  again  in  the  drawing-room  with 
the  front  of  your  dress  soiled  or  greased. 

If,  by  the  carelessness  or  awkwardness  of  your  neigh- 
bors or  the  servants,  you  have  a  plate  of  soiip,  glass  of 
wine,  or  any  dish  intended  for  your  mouth,  deposited 
upon  your  dress,  do  not  spring  up,  or  make  any  exclama- 
tion. You  may  wipe  off  the  worst  of  the  spot  with  your 
napkin,  and  then  let  it  pass  without  further  notice.  If 
an  apology  is  made  by  the  unlucky  perpetrator  of  tho 
accident,  try  to  set  him  at  his  ease  by  your  own  lady- 
like composure.  He  will  feel  sorry  and  awkward 
enough,  without  reproach,  sullenness,  or  cold  looks  from 
you. 

Gloves  and  mittens  are  no  longer  worn  at  table,  even 
at  the  largest  dinner-parties. 


100         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

To  make  remarks  upon  the  guests  or  the  dishes  is.eX' 
cessivelj  rude. 

If  the  conversation  is  general,  speak  loudly  enough  to 
be  heard  by  those  around  you,  but,  at  the  same  time, 
avoid  raising  your  voice  too  much.  If  the  company  is 
very  large,  and  you  converse  only  with  the  person  imme- 
iiately  beside  you,  speak  in  a  distinct,  but  low  tone,  that 
you  may  not  interrupt  other  coifples,  but  carefully  avoid 
whispering  or  a  confidential  air.  Both  are  in  excessively 
bad  taste.  To  laugh  in  a  suppressed  way,  has  the  ap- 
pearance of  laughing  at  those  around  you,  and  a  loud, 
boisterous  laugh  is  always  unlady-like.  Converse  cheer- 
fully, laugh  quietly,  but' freely,  if  you  will,  and  while 
you  confine. your  attention  entirely  to  your  neighbor, 
fltill  avoid  any  air  of  secrecy  or  mystery. 

Never  use  an  eye-glass,  either  to  look  at  the  persons 
around  you  or  the  articles  upon  the  table. 

Eat  your  soup  quietly.  To  make  any  noise  in  eating 
it,  is  simply  disgusting.  Do  not  break  bread  into  your 
soup.  Break  off"  small  pieces  and  put  into  your  mouth, 
if  you  will,  but  neither  bite  it  from  the  roll  nor  break  it 
up,  and  eat  it  from  your  soup-plate  with  a  spoon. 

In  eating  bread  with  meat,  never  dip  it  into  the  gravy 
on  your  plate,  and  then  bite  the  end  off.  If  you  wish 
to  eat  it  with  gravy,  break  off  a  small  piece,  put  it  upon 
your  plate,  and  then,  with  a  fork,  convey  it  to  your 
mouth. 

When  helped  to  fish,  remove,  with  knife  and  fork,  all 
the  bones,  then  lay  down  the  knife,  and,  with  a  piece  of 
bread  in  your  left  hand  and  a  fork  in  your  right,  eat  the 
Qakes  of  fish. 


DINNER   COMPANY.  101 

Need  I  say  that  the  knife  is  to  cut  your  food  with, 
and  must  never  be  used  while  eating?  To  put  it  in  your 
mouth  is  a  distinctive  mark  of  low-breeding. 

If  you  have  selected  what  you  will  eat,  keep  the  plate 
that  is  placed  before  you ;  never  pass  it  to  the  persons 
next  you,  as  they  may  have  an  entirely  different  choice 
of  meat  or  vegetables. 

Never  attempt  to  touth  any  dish  that  is  upon  the 
table,  but  out  of  your  reach,  by  stretching  out  your  arms, 
leaning  forward,  or,  still  worse,  standing  up.  Ask  the 
waiter  to  hand  it,  if  you  wish  for  it;  or,  if  the  gentleman 
beside  you  can  easily  do  so,  you  may  ask  him  to  pass  it 
to  you. 

Do  not  press  those  near  you  to  take  more  or  other 
things  than  are  upon  their  plate.  This  is  the  duty 
of  the  hostess,  or,  if  the  company  is  large,  the  servants 
will  attend  to  it.  For  you  to  do  so  is  officious  and  ill- 
bred. 

When  conversing  let  your  knife  and  fork  rest  easily 
upon  your  plate,  even  if  still  in  your  hand.  Avoid 
nolding  them  upright.  Keep  your  own  knife,  fork,  and 
spoon  solely  for  the  articles  upon  your  own  plate.  To 
use  them  for  helping  yourself  to  butter  or  salt,  is  rude 
in  the  extreme. 

When  you  do  not  use  the  salt-spoon,  sugar  tongs,  and 
butter-knife,  you  may  be  sure  that  those  around  you  will 
conclude  that  you  have  never  seen  the  articles,  and  do 
not  know  their  use. 

*  You  neei  not  fear  to  offend  by  refusing  to  take  wine 
with  a  gentleman,  even  your  host.  If  you  decline  grace- 
fully, he  will  appreciate  the  delicacy  which  makes  you 


102         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

refuse.  If,  however,  you  have  no  conscientious  scruj  les, 
and  are  invited  to  take  wine,  bow,  and  merely  raise  the 
glass  to  your  lips,  then  set  it  down  again.  You  may 
thus  acknowledge  the  courtesy,  and  yet  avoid  actually 
drinking  the  wine. 

No  lady  should  drink  wine  at  dinner.  Even  if  her 
head  is  strong  enough  to  bear  it,  she  will  find  her 
cheeks,  soon  after  the  indulgence,  flushed,  hot,  and  un- 
comfortable; and  if  the  room  is  warm,  and  the  dinner  a 
long  one,  she  will  probably  pay  the  penalty  of  her  folly, 
by  having  a  headache  all  the  evening. 

If  offered  any  dish  of  which  you  do  not  wish  to  par- 
take, decline  it,  but  do  not  assign  any  reason.  To  ob- 
ject to  the  dish  itself  is  an  insult  to  your  entertainers, 
and  if  you  assert  any  reason  for  your  own  dislike  it  is 
Ill-bred. 

Do  not  bend  too  much  forward  over  your  food,  and 
converse  easily.  To  eat  fast,  or  appear  to  be  so  much 
engrossed  as  to  be  unable  to  converse,  is  ill-bred ;  and  it 
makes  those  around  you  suspect  that  you  are  so  little 
accustomed  to  dining  well,  that  you  fear  to  stop  eating 
an  instant,  lest  you  should  not  get  enough. 

It  is  equally  ill-bred  to  accept  every  thing  that  is 
offered  to  you.  Never  take  more  than  two  vegetables  ; 
do  not  take  a  second  plate  of  soup,  pastry,  or  pudding. 
Indeed,  it  is  best  to  accept  but  one  plate  of  any  article. 

Never  use  a  spoon  for  anything  but  liquids,  and  never 
touch  anything  to  eat,  excepting  bread,  celery,  or  fruit, 
with  your  fingers. 

In  the  intervals  which  must  occur  between  the  courses, 
io  not  appear  to  be  conscious  of  the  lapse  of  time      Weal 


DINNER   COMPANY.  lOS 

a  careless  air  when  waiting,  conversing  cheerfully  and 
pleasantly,  and  avoid  looking  round  the  r:)om,  as  if  won- 
dering what  the  waiters  are  about. 

Never  eat  every  morsel  that  is  upon  your  plate  ;  and 
Burely  no  lady  will  ever  scrape  her  plate,  or  pass  the 
bread  round  it,  as  if  to  save  the  servants  the  trouble  of 
washing  it. 

Take  such  small  mouthfulls  that  you  can  always  be 
ready  for  conversation,  but  avoid  playing  with  your  food, 
or  partaking  of  it  with  an  affectation  of  delicate  appetite. 
Your  hostess  may  suppose  you  despise  her  fare,  if  you 
appear  so  very  choice,  or  eat  too  sparingly.  If  your 
state  of  health  deprives  you  of  appetite,  it  is  bad  enough 
for  you  to  decline  the  invitation  to  dine  out. 

Never  examine  minutely  the  food  before  you.  Yon 
insult  your  hostess  by  such  a  proceeding,  as  it  looks  as 
if  you  feared  to  find  something  upon  the  plate  that  should 
not  be  there. 

If  you  find  a  worm  on  opening  a  nut,  or  in  any  of  the 
fruit,  hand  your  plate  quietly,  and  without  remark,  to 
the  waiter,  and  request  him  to  bring  you  a  clean  one. 
Do  not  let  others  perceive  the  movement,  or  the  cause  of 
It,  if  you  can  avoid  so  doing. 

Never  make  a  noise  in  eating.  To  munch  or  smack 
ihe  lips  are  vulgar  faults. 

Sit  quietly  at  table,  avoid  stiffness,  but,  at  the  same 
lime,  be  careful  that  you  do  not  annoy  others  by  your 
lestlessness. 

Do  not  eat  so  fast  as  to  be  done  long  before  others,  nor 
io  slowly  as  to  keep  them  waiting. 

When  the  finger-glas^ses  are  passed  round,  dip  the  ends 


104  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

of  your  fingers  into  them,  and  wipe  them  upon  yoai 
napkin  ;  then  do  not  fold  your  napkin,  but  place  it  beside 
your  plate  upon  the  table. 

To  carry  away  fruit  or  bonbons  from  the  table  is  a 
Bign  of  low  breeding. 

Rise  with  the  other  ladies  when  your  hostess  gives  the 
signal. 

After  returning  to  the  parlor,  remain  in  the  house  at 
least  an  hour  after  dinner  is  over.  If  you  have  another 
engagement  in  the  evening,  you  may  then  take  your 
leave,  but  not  before.  You  will  insult  your  hostess  by 
leaving  sooner,  as  it  appears  that  you  came  only  for  the 
dinner,  and  that  being  over,  your  interest  in  the  ho  ise, 
for  the  tim3,  has  ceased.  It  is  only  beggars  who  "  eafi 
and  run!" 


CHAPTER   XIII, 

TABLE   ETIQUETTE. 

In  order  to  appear  perfectly  well-bred  at  table  "when 
m  company,  or  in  public,  as  at  a  hotel,  you  must  pay 
attention,  three  times  a  day,  to  the  points  of  table 
etiquette.  If  you  neglect  these  little  details  at  home 
and  in  private,  they  will  be  performed  awkwardly  and 
with  an  air  of  restraint  when  you  are  in  company.  By 
making  them  habitual,  they  will  become  natural,  and  ap- 
pear easily,  and  sit  gracefully  upon  you. 

Even  when  eating  entirely  alone,  observe  these  little 
details,  thus  making  the  most  finished  and  elegant  man- 
ners perfectly  familiar,  and  thus  avoiding  the  stiff, 
iwkward  air  you  will  wear  if  you  keep  your  politeness 
only  for  company,  when  you  will  be  constantly  appre- 
hensive of  doing  wrong. 

At  breakfast  or  tea,  if  your  seat  is  at  the  head  of  tho 

table,  you  must,  before  taking  anything  upon  your  own 

plate,  fill  a  cup  for  each  one  of  the  family,  and  pass  them 

round,  being  careful  to  suit  each  one  in  the  preparation 

of  the  cup,  that  none  may  return  to  you  for  more  tea, 

water,  sugar,  or  milk.     If  you  have  a  visitor,  pass  the 

cup  with  the  tea  or  coffee  alone  in  it,  and  hand  with  the 

105 


106  LAl/IES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

cup  the  sugar  bowl  and  cream  pitcher,  that  these  may  be 
added  in  the  quantity  preferred. 

After  all  the  cups  have  been  filled  and  passed  round, 
you  may  take  the  bread,  butter,  and  other  food  upon 
your  own  plate.  Train  your  children,  so  that  they  will 
pass  these  things  to  you  as  soon  as  they  see  you  are 
ready  to  receive  them. 

If  you  are  ^^ourself  at  the  side  of  the  table,  pass  the 
bread,  butter,  etc.,  to  the  lady  at  the  head,  when  you  seo 
that  she  has  sent  the  cups  from  the  waiter  before  her,  to 
those  seated  at  the  table. 

If  you  occupy  the  place  of  head  of  the  table,  you  must 
watch  the  cups,  offer  to  fill  them  when  empty,  and  also 
see  that  each  one  of  the  family  is  well  helped  to  the  other 
articles  upon  the  table 

Avoid  making  any  noise  in  eating,  even  if  each  meal 
is  eaten  in  solitary  state.  It  is  a  disgusting  habit,  and 
one  not  easily  cured  if  once  contracted,  to  make  any 
noise  with  the  lips  when  eating. 

Never  put  large  pieces  of  food  into  your  mouth.  Eat 
slowly,  and  cut  your  food  into  small  pieces  before  putting 
it  into  your  mouth. 

Use  your  fork,  or  spoon,  never  your  knife,  to  put  your 
food  into  your  mouth  At  dinner,  hold  in  your  left  hand 
a  piece  of  bread,  and  raise  your  meat  or  vegetables  with 
the  fork,  holding  the  bread  to  prevent  the  pieces  slipping 
from  the  plate. 

If  you  are  asked  at  table  what  part  of  the  meat  you 
prefer,  name  your  favorite  piece,  but  do  not  give  such 
information  unless  asked  to  do  so.  To  point  out  any 
especial  part  of  a  dish,  and  ask  for  it,  is  ill-bred,     T< 


TABLE    ETIQCETTE.  107 

answer,  when  asked  to  select  a  part,  that  "  it  is  a  matter 
of  indifference,"  or,  "  I  can  eat  any  part,"  is  annoying 
to  the  carver,  as  he  cares  less  than  yourself  certainly, 
and  would  prefer  to  give  you  the  piece  you  really  like 
best. 

Do  not  pour  coffee  or  tea  from  your  cup  into  your 
saucer,  and  do  not  blow  either  these  or  soup.  Wait  until 
they  cool. 

Use  the  butter-knife,  salt-spoon,  and  sugar-tongs  as 
scrupulously  when  alone,  as  if  a  room  full  of  people-  were 
watching  you.  Otherwise,  you  may  neglect  to  do  so  when 
the  omission  will  mortify  you. 

j.'^ever  put  poultry  or  fish  bones,  or  the  stones  of  fruit, 
upon  the  table-cloth,  but  place  them  on  the  edge  of 
your  plate. 

Do  not  begin  to  eat  until  others  at  the  table  are  ready 
to  commence  too. 

Sit  easily  in  your  chair,  neither  too  near  the  table,  nor 
too  far  from  it,  and  avoid  such  tricks  as  putting  your 
arms  on  the  table,  leaning  back  lazily  in  your  chair,  or 
playing  with  your  knife,  fork,  or  spoon. 

Never  raise  your  voici^  when  speaking,  any  higher 
than  is  necessary.  The  clear  articulation  and  distinct 
pronunciation  of  each  word,  will  make  a  low  tone  more 
agreeable  and  more  easily  understood,  than  the  loudest 
tone,  if  the  speech  is  rapid  or  indistinct. 

Never  pass  your  plate  with  the  knife  or  fork  upon 
it,  and  when  you  pass  your  cup,  put  the  spoon  in  the 
saucer. 

Never  pile  up  the  food  on  your  plate.  It  looks  as  if 
you  feared  it  wouli  all   be  gone  before  you  could  be 


108         LADIES*  BOOR  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

helped  again,  and  it  "will  certainly  make  your  attempts 
to  cut  the  food  awkward,  if  your  plate  is  crowded. 

If  there  is  a  delicacy  upon  the  table,  partake  of  it 
sparingly,  and  never  help  yourself  to  it  a  second  time. 

If  you  wish  to  cough,  or  use  your  handkerchief,  rise 
from  the  table,  and  leave  the  room.  If  you  have  not 
time  to  do  this,  cover  your  mouth,  and  turn  your  head 
aside  from  the  table,  and  perform  the  disagreeable 
necessity  "as  rapidly  and  quietly  as  possible. 

Avoid  gesticulation  at  the  table.  Indeed,  a  well-bred 
lady  will  never  gesticulate,  but  converse  quietly,  letting 
the  expression  and  animation  of  her  features  give  force 
to  her  words. 

Never,  when  at  the  home  table,  leave  it  until  the  other 
members  of  the  family  are  also  ready  to  rise. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

CONDUCT  IN  THE   STREET 

A  LADT*S  conduct  is  never  so  entirely  at  the  mercy  of 
critics,  because  never  so  public,  as  when  she  is  in  the 
Btreet.  Her  dress,  carriage,  walk,  will  all  be  exposed  to 
notice ;  every  passer-by  will  look  at  her,  if  it  is  only  for 
one  glance  ;  every  unlady-like  action  will  be  marked  ; 
and  in  no  position  will  a  dignified,  lady-like  deportment 
be  more  certain  to  command  respect. 

Let  me  start  with  you  upon  your  promenade,  my 
friend,  and  I  will  soon  decide  your  place  upon  the  list  of 
well-bred  ladies. 

First,  your  dress.  Not  that  scarlet  shawl,  with  a 
green  dress,  I  beg,  and — oh  !  spare  my  nerves  ! — you  are 
not  so  insane  as  to  put  on  a  blue  bonnet.  That's  right. 
If  you  wish  to  wear  the  green  dress,  don  a  black  shawl, 
and — that  white  bonnet  will  do  very  well.  One  rule  you 
must  lay  down  with  regard  to  a  walking  dress.  It  must 
never  be  conspicuous.  Let  the  material  be  rich,  if  you 
will ;  the  set  of  each  garment  faultless  ;  have  collar  and 
sleeves  snowy  white,  and  wear  neatly-fitting,  whole,  clean 
gloves  and  boots.  Every  detail  may  be  scrupulously 
attended    to,  but    let    the  whole    effect    be  quiet    and 

109 


no  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

mo.hst.  Wear  a  little  of  one  bright  color,  if  you  w:ll, 
but  not  more  than  one.  Let  each  part  of  the  dress 
harmonize  with  all  the  rest ;  avoid  the  extreme  of  fashion, 
and  let  the  dress  suit?/ow.  If  you  are  short  and  plump, 
do  not  wear  flounces,  because  they  are  fashionable,  and 
avoid  large  plaids,  even  if  they  are  the  very  latest  style. 
If  tall  and  slight,  do  not  add  to  the  length  of  your  figure 
by  long  stripes,  a  little  mantilla,  and  a  caricature  of  a 
bonnet,  with  long,  streaming  ribbons.  A  large,  round 
face  will  never  look  well,  staring  from  a  tiny,  delicate 
bonnet ;  nor  will  a  long,  thin  one  stand  the  test  much 
better.  Wear  what  is  becoming  to  yourself^  and  only 
bow  to  fashion  enough  to  avoid  eccentricity.  To  have 
everything  in  the  extreme  of  fashion,  is  a  sure  mark  of 
vulgarity. 

Wear  no  jewelry  in  the  street  excepting  your  watch 
and  brooch.  Jewelry  is  only  suited  for  full  evening 
dress,  when  all  the  other  details  unite  to  set  it  off.  If 
it  Ib  real,  it  is  too  valuable  to  risk  losing  in  the  street, 
and  if  it  is  not  real,  no  lady  should  wear  it.  Mock  jew- 
elry is  utterly  detestable. 

What  are  you  doing?  Sucking  the  head  of  your 
parasol !  Have  you  not  breakfasted  ?  Take  that  piece 
of  ivory  from  your  mouth  !  To  suck  it  is  unlady-like, 
and  let  me  tell  you,  excessively  unbecoming.  Rosy  lifja 
and  pearly  teeth  can  be  put  to  a  better  use. 

Why  did  you  not  dress  before  you  came  out  ?  It  is  a 
mark  of  ill-breeding  to  draw  your  gloves  on  in  the  street. 
Now  your  bonnet-strings,  and  now — your  collar  !  Pray 
arrange  your  dress  before  you  leave  the  house !  Nothing 
looks  worse  than  to  see  a  lady  fussing  over  her  dress  in 


CONDUCT   IN    THE   STREET.  Ill 

tlie  street.  Take  a  few  moments  more  in  jour  dressing- 
room,  and  so  arrange  your  dress  that  you  will  not  need 
to  think  of  it  again  whilst  you  are  out. 

Do  not  walk  so  fast !  you  are  not  chasing  anybody ! 
Walk  slowly  J  gracefully !  Oh,  do  not  drag  one  foot 
after  the  other  as  if  you  were  fast  asleep — set  down  the 
foot  lightly,  but  at  the  same  time  firmly ;  now,  carry 
your  head  up,  not  so ;  you  hang  it  down  as  if  you  feared 
to  look  any  one  in  the  face !  Nay,  that  is  the  other  ex- 
treme !  Now  you  look  like  a  drill-major,  on  parade  I 
So  !  that  is  the  medium.  Erect,  yet,  at  the  same  time, 
easy  and  elegant. 

Now,  my  friend,  do  not  swing  your  arms.  You  don't 
know  what  to  do  with  them  ?  Your  parasol  takes  one 
hand ;  hold  your  dress  up  a  little  with  the  other.  Not 
so !     No  lady  should  raise  her  dress  above  the  ankle. 

Take  care  !  don't  drag  your  dress  through  that  mud 
puddle  !  Worse  and  worse  !  If  you  take  hold  of  your 
dress  on  both  sides,  in  that  way,  and  drag  it  up  so  high, 
you  will  be  set  down  as  a  raw  country  girl.  So.  Raise 
it  just  above  the  boot,  all  round,  easily,  letting  it  fall 
again  in  the  old  folds.  Don't  shake  it  down;  it  will 
fall  back  of  itself. 

Stop  !  don't  you  see  there  is  a  carriage  coming  ?  Do 
you  want  to  be  thrown  down  by  the  horses  ?  You  can 
run  across?  Yeiy  lady-like  indeed!  Surely  nothing 
can  be  more  ungraceful  than  to  see  a  lady  shuffle  and 
run  across  a  street.  Wait  until  the  way  is  clear  and 
then  walk  slowly  across. 

Do  not  try  to  raise  your  skirts.  It  is  better  to  soil 
them.     fYou  were  very  foolish  to  wear  white  skirts  this 


112  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

muddy  day.)  They  are  easily  washed,  and  you  cannot 
raise  all.  You  will  surely  be  awkward  in  making  the  at- 
tempt, and  probably  fail,  in  spite  of  your  efforts.  Trae, 
they  will  be  badly  soiled,  and  you  expose  this  when  you 
raise  the  dress,  but  the  state  of  the  streets  must  be  seen 
by  all  who  see  your  share  of  the  dirt,  and  they  will 
apologize  for  your  untidy  appearance  in  a  language  dis- 
tinctly understood. 

Don't  hold  your  parasol  so  close  to  your  face,  nor  so 
low  down.  You  cannot  see  your  way  clear,  and  you  will 
run  against  somebody.  Ahvays  hold  an  umbrella  or 
parasol  so  that  it  will  clear  your  bonnet,  and  leave  the 
space  before  your  face  open,  that  you  may  see  your  way 
clearly. 

If  you  are  ever  caught  in  a  shower,  and  meet  a  gentle- 
man friend  who  ofifers  an  umbrella,  accept  it,  if  he  will 
accompany  you  to  your  destination ;  but  do  not  deprive 
him  of  it,  if  he  is  not  able  to  join  you.  Should  he  in- 
sist, return  it  to  his  house  or  store  the  instant  you  reach 
home,  with  a  note  of  thanks.  If  a  stranger  offers  you 
the  same  services,  decline  it  positively,  but  courteously, 
at  the  same  time  thanking  him. 

Never  stop  to  speak  to  a  gentleman  in  the  street.  If 
you  have  anything  important  to  say  to  him,  allow  him  to 
join  and  walk  with  you,  but  do  not  stop.  It  is  best  to 
follow  the  same  rule  with  regard  to  ladies,  and  either 
walk  with  them  or  invite  them  to  walk  with  you,  instead 
of  stopping  to  talk. 

A  lady  who  desires  to  pay  strict  regard  to  etiquette, 
will  not  stop  to  gaze  in  at  the  shop  windows.  It  looka 
countrified.     If  she  is  alone,  it  looks  as  if  she  wore  wait 


CONDUCT   m    THE   STREET.  IIS 

/ 

ing  for  some  one ;  and  if  she  is  not  alone,  she  is  victim 

izing  some  one  else,  to  satisfy  her  curiosity. 

Remember  that  in  meeting  your  gentlemen  friends  it  ia 
your  duty  to  speak  first,  therefore  do  not  cut  them  by 
waiting  to  be  recognized.  Be  sure,  however,  that  they 
see  you  before  you  bow,  or  you  place  yourself  in  tho 
awkward  position  of  having  your  bow  pass,  unreturned. 

You  are  not  expected  to  recognize  any  friend  on  the 
opposite  side  of  the  street.  Even  if  you  see  them,  do 
not  bow. 

Avoid  "  cutting"  any  one.  It  is  a  small  way  of  show- 
ing spite,  and  lowers  you  more  than  your  enemy.  If 
you  wish  to  avoid  any  further  intercourse  bow,  coldly 
and  gravely,  but  do  not  look  at  any  one,  to  whom  you 
are  in  the  habit  of  bowing,  and  pass  without  bowing.  If 
you  do  this,  they  may  flatter  themselves  that  they  were 
really  unrecognized,  but  a  distant,  cold  bow  will  show 
them  that  you  speak  from  civility  only,  not  from  friend- 
ship. 

In  the  street  a  lady  takes  the  arm  of  a  relative,  her 
affianced  lover,  or  husband,  but  of  no  other  gentleman, 
unless  the  streets  are  slippery,  or  in  the  evening. 

When  a  lady  walks  with  two  gentlemen,  she  should 
endeavor  to  divide  her  attention  and  remarks  equally  be- 
tween them. 

If  you  do  stop  in  the  street,  draw  near  the  walls,  that 
you  may  ncJt  keep  others  from  passing. 

Loud  talking  and  laughing  in  the  street  are  excessively 
Tulgar.  Not  only  this,  but  they  expose  a  lady  to  the 
most  severe  misconstruction.  Let  your  conduct  be  mod 
est  and  quiet. 

8  .      . 


114  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

If  a  gentleman,  although  a  stranger,  offers  his  hand 
to  assist  you  in  leaving  a  carriage,  omnibus,  or  to  aid 
you  in  crossing  where  it  is  wet  or  muddy,  accept  his 
civility,  thank  him,  bow  and  pass  on. 

If  you  wish  to  take  an  omnibus  or  car,  see  that  it  ia 
not  already  full.  If  it  is,  do  not  get  in.  You  will  an- 
noy others,  and  be  uncomfortable  yourself. 

It  is  best  to  carry  change  to  pay  car  or  omnibus  fare, 
as  you  keep  others  waiting  whilst  the  driver  is  making 
change,  and  it  is  apt  to  fall  into  the  straw  when  passing 
from  one  hand  to  another. 

If  a  gentleman  gives  you  his  seat,  hands  your  fare, 
or  offers  you  any  such  attention,  thank  him.  It  is  not 
countrified,  it  is  lady -like.     If  you  do  not  speak,  tow. 

Be  careful  not  to  be  alone  in  the  streets  after  night 
fall.  It  exposes  you  to  insult.  If  you  are  obliged  to 
go  out,  have  a  servant,  or  another  lady,  if  you  cannot 
procure  the  escort  of  a  gentleman,  which  is,  of  course, 
the  best. 

Walk  slowly,  do  not  turn  your  head  to  the  right  oi 
left,  unless  you  wish  to  walk  that  way,  and  avoid  any 
gesture  or  word  that  will  attract  attention. 

Never  look  back  !     It  is  excessively  ill-bred. 

Make  no  remarks  upon  those  who  pass  you,  while 
there  is  even  a  possibility  that  they  may  hear  you. 

Never  stare  at  any  one,  even  if  they  have  peculiarities, 
which  make  them  objects  of  remark. 

In  taking  your  place  in  an  omnibus  or  car,  do  so 
quietly,  and  then  sit  perfectly  still.  Do  not  change  your 
place  or  move  restlessly.  Make  room  for  others  if  you 
•ee  that  the  opposite  side  is  full. 


CONDUCT  IN  THE  STREET  115 

If  you  walk  with  a  gentleman,  when  he  reaches  your 
door  invite  him  in,  but  if  he  declines,  do  not  urge  him. 
If  you  are  returning  from  a  ball  or  party,  and  the  hour 
is  a  very  late  (or  early)  one,  you  are  not  bound  in  polite- 
ness to  invite  your  escort  to  enter ;  the  hour  will  be  youi 
apology  for  omitting  the  ceremonj. 


CHAPTER   Xf, 

LETTER   WRITING. 

There  is  no  branch  of  education  called  sc  universally 
into  requisition  as  the  art  of  letter  writing ;  no  station, 
high  or  low,  where  the  necessity  for  correspondence  is 
not  felt ;  no  person,  young  or  old,  who  does  not,  at  some 
time,  write,  cause  to  be  written,  and  receive  letters. 
From  the  President  in  his  official  capacity,  with  the  busy 
pens  of  secretaries  constantly  employed  in  this  branch 
of  service,  to  the  Irish  laborer  who,  unable  to  guide  a 
pen,  writes,  also  by  proxy,  to  his  kinsfolks  across  the 
wide  ocean ;  all,  at  some  time,  feel  the  desire  to  transmit 
some  message,  word  of  love,  business,  or  sometimes 
enmity,  by  letter. 

Yet,  in  spite  of  the  universal  need,  and  almost  uni- 
versal habit,  there  are  really  but  very  few  persons  who 
write  a  good  letter ;  a  letter  that  is,  at  the  same  time 
lon2^  enough  to  interest,  yet  not  long  enough  to  tire ; 
sufficiently  condensed  to  keep  the  attention,  and  not 
tedious,  and  yet  detailed  enough  to  afford  satisfaction; 
that  is  correct  in  grammatical  construction,  properl;y 
punctuated,  written  in  a  clear,  legible  hand,  with  thi 
late,  address,  signature,  all  in  the  proper  place,  no  word* 
116 


LETTER    WRITING.  117 

whose  letters  stand  in  utter  defiance  to  spelling-book 
rules  :  in  short,  a  well-written  letter. 

Thousands,  millions  are  sent  from  post  to  post  every 
day.  The  lightning  speed  of  the  telegraph  takes  its 
messages  from  city  to  city ;  the  panting  steamer  carries 
from  continent  to  continent  its  heavy  mail-bags,  laden 
with  its  weight  of  loving  messages;  the  "iron  horse" 
drags  behind  it,  its  measure  of  the  many  missives ;  while, 
in  the  far-distant  Western  wilds,  the  lumbering  wagoii 
bears  its  paper  freight,  with  its  pen  eloquence,  to  cheer 
and  comfort,  or  sadden  and  crush,  the  waiting  emigrants, 
longing  for  news  of  home. 

To  some,  who,  with  hearts  desolated  by  the  separation 
from  the  home  circle,  could  read,  with  an  eager  interest, 
volumes  of  the  most  common-place,  trivial  incidents,  if 
only  connected  with  the. loved  ones  there,  will  come 
pages,  from  the  pen  of  the*  dearest  relative,  full  of 
learning,  wit,  and  wisdom,  wholly  uninteresting  to  the 
receiver. 

Why  is  this  ?  Not  from  any  desire  upon  the  part  of 
the  writer  to  display  learning  or  talent,  but  because, 
writing  a  letter  being  to  them  a  great  undertaking,  and 
the  letter  being  destined  to  go  a  long  distance,  they  look 
upon  it  as  an  event  too  unusual  to  be  wasted  in  detailing 
the  simple,  every-day  details  of  domestic  life,  and  ransack 
memory  and  learning  for  a  subject  worthy  of  the  long 
journey  and  unusual  labor. 

Others  will  have,  from  mere  acquaintances,  long, 
tedious  details  of  uninteresting  trivialities,  and  from  the 
near  relatives,  short,  dry  epistles,  which  fal?  like  stonea 


11®  T4DIT2S     BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

upon  the  hea^-t  lonorin^  for  little,  affectionate  expressions, 
and  lioiue  meranries 

From  some  letter  writers,  who  are  in  the  midst  of 
BCenes  and  events  of  the  most  absorbing  interest,  letters 
arrive,  only  a  few  line?  long,  without  one  allusion  to  the 
interesting  matter  lying  so  profusely  around  them  ;  while 
others,  with  the  scantiest  of  outward  subjects,  will,  from 
their  own  teeming  brain,  write  bewitching,  absorbing 
epistles,  read  with  eagerness,  laid  aside  with  the  echo 
of  Oliver  Twist's  petition  in  a  sigh ;  the  reader  longin^T' 
for  "more." 

It  is,  of  course,  impossible  to  lay  down  any  distinct 
rule  for  the  style  of  letter  writing.  Embracing,  as  it 
does,  all  subjects  and  all  classes,  all  countries  and  asso- 
ciations, and  every  relation  in  which  one  person  can 
stand  to  another,  what  would  be  an  imperative  rule  in 
some  cases,  becomes  positive  absurdity  in  other??.  Every 
letter  will  vary  from  others  written  before,  in  either  its 
subject,  the  person  addressed,  or  the  circumstances  which 
make  it  necessary  to  write  it. 

Letter  writing  is,  in  fact,  but  conversation,  carried  on 
with  the  pen,  when  distance  or  circumstances  prevent  the 
easier  method  of  exchanging  ideas,  by  spoken  words. 
Write,  therefore,  as  you  would  speak,  were  the  person  to 
whom  your  letter  is  addressed  seated  beside  you.  As 
amongst  relatives  and  intimate  friends  you  would  con- 
verse with  a  familiar  manner,  and  in  easy  language,  so 
in  your  letters  to  such  persons,  let  your  style  be  simple, 
3ntirely  devoid  of  effort. 

Again,  when  introduced  to  a  stranger,  or  conversing 
with  one  much  older  than  yourself,  your  manner  is  re 


IBTTER    WRITING.  113 

Bpfictful  and  dignified ;  so  let  the  letters  addressed  to 
those  on  these  terms  with  yourself,  be  written  in  a  more 
ceremonious  style,  but  at  the  same  time  avoid  stiffness, 
jind  -dX  ove  all,  pedantry.  A  letter  of  advice  to  a  child, 
would  of  course  demand  an  entirely  different  style,  from 
that  written  by  a  young  .lady  to  a  friend  or  relative  ad- 
vanced in  life  ;  yet  the  general  rule,  "  write  as  you 
would  converse,"  applies  to  each  and  every  case. 

Neatness  is  an  important  requisite  in  a  letter.  To 
Bend  a  fair,  clean  sheet,  with  the  words  written  in  a  clear, 
legible  hand,  will  go  a  great  way  in  ensuring  a  cordial 
welcome  for  your  letter.  Avoid  erasures,  as  they  spoil 
the  beauty  of  your  sheet.  If  it  is  necessary  to  correct 
a  word,  draw  your  pen  through  it,  and  write  the  word 
you  wish  to  use  as  a  substitute,  above  the  one  erased ; 
do  not  scratch  out  the  word  and  write  another  over  it : 
it  is  untidy,  and  the  second  word  is  seldom  legible. 
Another  requisite  for  a  good  letter  is  a  clear,  concise  style. 
Use  language  that  will  be  easily  understood,  and  avoid  the 
parenthesis.  Important  passages  in  letters  are  often  lost 
entirely,  by  the  ambiguous  manner  in  which  they  are 
worded,  or  rendered  quite  as  unintelligible  by  the  blots, 
erasures,  or  villainously  bad  hand-writing.  A  phrase 
may,  by  the  addition  or  omission  of  one  word,  or  by  the 
alteration  of  one  punctuation  mark,  convey  to  the  reader 
an  entirely  different  idea  from  that  intended  by  the 
writer ;  so,  while  you  write  plainly,  use  good  language, 
you  must  also  write  carefully,  and  punctuate  properly. 

If  you  are  in  doubt  about  the  correct  spelling  of  a 
word,  do  not  trust  to  chance,  hoping  it  may  be  right,  but 


120         LADIES'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

get  a  dictionary,  and  be  certain  that  you  have  spelt  it  as 
it  ought  to  be. 

Simplicity  is  a  great  charm  in  letter-writing.  What 
you  send  in  a  letter,  is,  as  a  general  rule,  intended  for 
the  perusal  of  one  person  only.  Therefore  to  cumber 
your  epistles  with  quotations,  similes,  flowery  language, 
and  a  stilted,  pedantic  style,  is  in  bad  taste.  You  may 
use  elegant  language,  yet  use  it  easily.  If  you  use  a 
quotation,  let  it  come  into  its  place  naturally,  as  if 
flowing  in  perfect  harmony  with  your  ideas,  and  let  it  be 
short.  Long  quotations  in  a  letter  are  tiresome.  Make 
no  attempt  at  display  in  a  correspondence.  You  will  err 
as  much  in  such  an  attempt,  as  if,  when  seated  face  to 
face  with  your  correspondent,  alone  in  your  own  apart- 
ment, you  were  to  rise  and  converse  with  tl  e  gestures 
and  language  of  a  minister  in  his  pulpit,  oi  a  lecturer 
upon  his  platform. 

As  everything,  in  style,  depends  upon  the  subject  of 
the  letter,  and  the  person  to  whom  it  is  addressed,  some 
words  follow,  relating  to  some  of  the  various  kinds  of 
correspondence : 

Business  Letters  should  be  as  brief  as  is  consistent 
with  the  subject;  clear,  and  to  the  point.  Say  all  that 
is  necessary,  in  plain,  distinct  language,  and  say  no 
more.  State,  in  forcible  words,  every  point  that  it  is 
desirable  for  your  correspondent  to  be  made  acquainted 
with,  that  your  designs  and  prospects  upon  the  subject 
may  be  perfectly  well  understood.  Write,  in  such  a 
letter,  of  nothing  but  the  business  in  hand  ;  other  matters 
will  be  out  of  place  there.  Nowhere  is  a  confused  style, 
or  illegible  writing,  more  unpardonable  than  in  a  business 


LETTER   WEITINQ.  121 

fetter ;  nowhere  a  good  style  and  hand  more  important. 
Avoid  flowery  language,  too  many  words,  all  pathos  or 
wit,  any  display  of  talent  or  learning,  and  every  merely 
personal  matter,  in  a  business  letter. 

Letters  of  Compliment  must  be  restricted,  confined 
entirely  to  one  subject.  If  passing  between  acquaint- 
ances, they  should  be  written  in  a  graceful,  at  the  same 
time  respectful,  manner.  Avoid  hackneyed  expressions, 
commonplace  quotations,  and  long,  labored  sentences, 
but  while  alluding  to  the  subject  in  hand,  as  if  warmly 
interested  in  it,  at  the  same  time  endeavor  to  write  in  a 
Rtyle  of  simple,  natural  grace. 

Letters  of  Congratulation  demand  a  cheerful, 
pleasant  style,  and  an  appearance  of  great  interest. 
They  should  be  written  from  the  heart,  and  the  cordial, 
warm  feelings  there  will  prompt  the  proper  language. 
Be  careful,  while  offering  to  your  friend  the  hearty  con- 
gratulations her  happy  circumstances  demand,  that  you 
do  not  let  envy  at  her  good  fortune,  creep  into  your 
bead,  to  make  the  pen  utter  complaining  words  at  your 
own  hard  lot.  Do  not  dampen  her  joy,  by  comparing 
her  happiness  with  the  misery  of  another.  There  an 
many  clouds  in  the  life  of  every  one  of  us.  While  the 
sun  shines  clearly  upon  the  events  of  your  friend's  life 
let  her  enjoy  the  brightness  and  warmth,  unshadowed  by 
any  words  of  yours.  Give  her,  to  the  full,  your  sympathj* 
In  her  rejoicing,  cheerful  words,  warm  congratulations, 
and  bright  hopes  for  the  future.  Should  there  be,  at  the 
time  of  her  happiness,  any  sad  event  you  wish  to  com* 
municate  to  her,  of  which  it  is  your  duty  to  inform  her, 
write  it  in  another  letter-     If  you  must  send  it  the  same 


122  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

day,  do  so,  but  let  the  epistle  wishing  her  joy,  go  alone^ 
unclouded  with  the  news  of  sorrow.  At  the  same  time, 
avoid  exaggerated  expressions  of  congratulation,  lest  you 
are  suspected  of  a  desire  to  be  satirical,  and  avoid  under- 
lining any  words.  If  the  language  is  not  forcible  enough 
to  convey  your  ideas,  you  will  not  make  it  better  by  un- 
derlining it.  If  you  say  to  your  friend  upon  her  mar- 
riage, that  you  wish  her  '"''joy  in  her  new  relations,  and 
liope  she  may  be  entirely  happy  in  her  domestic  life,'* 
you  make  her  doubt  your  wishes,  and  think  you  mean  to 
ridicule  her  chances  of  such  happiness. 

Letters  of  Condolence  are  exceedingly  trying,  both 
to  read  and  to  write.  If  the  affliction  which  calls  for 
them  is  one  which  touches  you  nearly,  really  grieving 
and  distressing  you,  all  written  words  must  seem  tame 
and  ccld,  compared  with  the  aching  sympathy  which  dic- 
tates them.  It  is  hard  with  the  eyes  blinded  by  tears, 
and  the  hand  shaking,  to  write  calmly ;  and  it  is  impossi- 
ble to  express  upon  paper  all  the  burning  thoughts  and 
words  that  would  pour  forth,  were  you  beside  the  friend 
whose  sorrow  is  yours.  If  you  do  not  feel  the  trial,  your 
task  is  still  more  difficult,  for  no  letters  demand  truth, 
spoken  from  the  heart,  more  than  letters  of  condolence. 
Do  not  treat  the  subject  for  grief  too  lightly.  Writo 
^ords  of  comfort  if  you  will,  but  do  not  appear  to  con 
Fider  the  affliction  as  a  trifle.  Time  may  make  it  less 
severe,  but  the  first  blow  of  grief  must  be  heavy,  and  a 
few  words  of  sincere  sympathy  will  outweigh  pages  of 
mere  expressions  of  hope  for  comfort,  or  the  careless 
lines  that  show  the  letter  to  be  one  of  mere  duty,  not 
Reeling.     Let  y^ur  friend  feel  that  her  sorrow  makes  her 


LETTER   WRITING.  128 

dearer  to  you  than  ever  before,  and  that  her  grief  ia 
yours.  To  treat  the  subject  with  levity,  or  to  wander 
from  it  into  witticisms  or  every-day  chit-chat,  is  a  wanton 
insult,  unworthy  of  a  lady  and  a  friend.  Do  not  mag- 
nify the  event,  or  plunge  the  mourner  into  still  deeper 
despondency  by  taking  a  despairing,  gloomy  view  of  the 
sorrow,  under  which  she  is  bent.  Show  her  the  silver 
lining  of  her  cloud,  try  to  soothe  her  grief,  yet  be  will 
ing  to  admit  that  it  is  a  cloud,  and  that  she  has  cause  for 
grief.  To  throw  out  hints  that  the  sorrow  is  sent  as  a 
punishment  to  an  offender ;  to  imply  that  neglect  or  im- 
prudence on  the  part  of  the  mourner  is  the  cause  of  the 
calamity ;  to  hold  up  the  trial  as  an  example  of  retribu- 
tion, or  a  natural  consequence  of  wrong  doing,  is  cruel, 
and  barbarous.  Even  if  this  is  true,  (indeed,  if  this  is 
the  case,  it  only  aggravates  the  insult) ;  avoid  such  retro- 
spection. It  is  as  if  a  surgeon,  called  in  to  a  patient  suf- 
fering from  a  fractured  limb,  sat  down,  inattentive  to  the 
suffering,  to  lecture  his  patient  upon  the  carelessness 
which  caused  the  accident.  One  of  the  most  touching 
letters  of  condolence  ever  written  was  sent  by  a  literary 
lady,  well  known  in  the  ranks  of  our  American  author- 
esses, to  her  sister,  who  had  lost  her  youngest  child. 
The  words  were  few,  merely : — 

"  Sister  Darling  : 

**  I  cannot  write  what  is  in  my  heart  for  you  to-day, 
it  is  too  full.  Filled  with  a  double  sorrow,  for  you,  for 
my  own  grief.  Tears  blind  me,  my  pen  trembles  in  my 
hand.     Oh,  to  be  near  you  !  to  clasp  you  in  my  arms  \ 


124         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

to  draw  your  head  to  my  bosom,  and  weep  with  you ' 
Darling,  God  comfort  you,  I  cannot. 

«S." 

That  was  all.  Yet  the  sorrowing  mother  said  that  no 
other  letter,  though  she  appreciated  the  kind  motive  that 
dictated  all,  yet  none  comforted  her  as  did  these  few 
lines.  Written  from  the  heart,  their  simple  eloquence 
touched  the  heart  for  which  they  were  intended.  Early 
stages  of  great  grief  reject  comfort,  but  they  long,  with 
intense  longing,  for  sympathy. 

Letters  written  to  gentlemen  should  be  ceremo- 
nious and  dignified.  If  the  acquaintance  is  slight,  write 
m  the  third  person,  if  there  is  a  necessity  for  a  letter. 
If  a  business  letter,  be  respectful,  yet  not  servile.  It  is 
Letter  to  avoid  correspondence  with  gentlemen,  particu- 
larly whilst  you  are  young,  as  there  are  many  objections 
to  it.  Still,  if  a  friend  of  long  standing  solicits  a  cor- 
respondence, and  your  parents  or  husband  approve  and 
permit  compliance  with  the  request,  it  would  be  over- 
prudish  to  refuse.  Write,  however,  such  letters  as,  if 
they  were  printed  in  the  newspapers,  would  cause  you  no 
annoyance.  If  the  acquaintance  admits  of  a  frank, 
friendly  style,  be  careful  that  your  expressions  of  good 
will  do  not  become  too  vehement,  and  avoid  any  confi- 
dential communications.  When  he  begins  to  ask  you  to 
keep  such  and  such  passages  secret,  believe  me,  it  is  quite 
time  to  drop  the  correspondence. 

Letters  of  Enquiry,  especially  if  they  request  a 
favor,  should  contain  a  few  lines  of  compliment.  If  the 
^tter  is  upon  a  private  subject,  such  as  enquiry  with  re* 


LETTER  WRITma.  126 

gar(\  to  the  illness  or  misfortune  of  a  friend,  aroid 
makinor  it  too  brief.  To  write  short,  careless  letters 
upon  such  subjects,  is  unfeeling,  and  they  will  surely  be 
attributed  to  motives  of  obligation  or  duty,  not  to  inter- 
est. Letters  of  enquiry,  referring  to  family  matters, 
shouhl  be  delicately  worded,  and  appear  dictated  by  in- 
terest, not  mere  curiosity.  If  the  enquiry  refers  to 
matters  interesting  only  to  yourself,  enclose  a  postage- 
stamp  for  the  reply.  In  answering  such  letters,  if  they 
refer  to  your  own  health  or  subjects  interesting  to  your- 
self, thank  the  writer  for  the  interest  expressed,  and  an- 
swer in  a  satisfactory  manner.  If  the  answer  interests 
your  correspondent  only,  do  not  reply  as  if  the  enquiry 
annoyed  you,  but  express  some  interest  in  the  matter  of 
the  letter,  and  give  as  clear  and  satisfactory  reply  as  is 
in  your  power. 

Letters  offering  Favors — Be  careful  in  writing  to 
offer  a  favor,  that  you  do  not  make  your  friend  feel  a 
heavy  weight  of  obligation  by  over-rating  your  services. 
The  kindness  will  be  duly  appreciated,  and  more  highly 
valued  if  offered  in  a  delicate  manner.  Too  strong  a 
sense  of  obligation  is  humiliating,  so  do  not  diminish  the 
real  value  of  the  service  by  forcing  the  receiver  to  ac- 
knowledge a  fictitious  value.  Let  the  recipient  of  your 
good  will  feel  that  it  affords  you  as  much  pleasure  to  con- 
fer the  favor  as  it  will  give  her  to  receive  it.  A  letter 
accompanying  a  present,  should  be  short  and  gracefully 
worded.  The  affectionate  spirit  of  such  little  epistles 
will  double  the  value  of  the  gift  which  they  accompany. 
Never  refer  to  a  favor  received,  in  such  a  letter,  as  that 
trill  give  your  gift  the  appearance  of  being  payment  for 


126         LADIES'  BOOK  OP  ETIQUETTE. 

3uch  favor,  and  make  your  letter  of  about  as  much  value 
as  a  tradesman's  receipted  bill. 

Letters  of  Thanks  for  enquiries  made,  should  be 
short,  merely  echoing  the  words  of  the  letter  they  an- 
swer, and  contain  the  answer  to  the  question,  with  an 
acknowledgement  of  your  correspondent's  irterest.  If 
the  letter  is  your  own  acknowledgement  of  a  favor  con- 
fer! ed,  let  the  language  be  simple,  but  strong,  grateful, 
and  graceful.  Fancy  that  you  are  clasping  the  hand  of 
the  kind  friend  who  has  been  generous  or  thoughtful  for 
you,  and  then  write,  even  as  you  would  speak.  Never 
h  nt  that  you  deem  such  a  favor  an  obligation  to  be  re 
turned  at  the  first  opportunity  ;  although  this  may  really 
be  the  case,  it  is  extremely  indelicate  to  say  so.  In 
your  letter  gracefully  acknowledge  the  obligation,  and  if, 
at  a  later  day,  you  can  return  the  favor,  then  let  actions, 
not  words,  prove  your  grateful  recollection  of  the  favor 
conferred  upon  you.  If  your  letter  is  written  to  ac- 
knowledge the  reception  of  a  present,  speak  of  the  beauty 
or  usefulness  of  the  gift,  and  of  the  pleasant  associations 
with  her  name  it  will  always  recall. 

Letters  of  Recommendation  should  be  truthful,  po- 
lite, and  carefully  considered.  Such  letters  may  te 
business  letters,  or  they  may  be  given  to  servants,  and 
they  must  be  given  only  when  really  deserved.  Do  not 
be  hasty  in  giving  them  ;  remember  that  you  are,  in 
lome  measure  responsible  for  the  bearer  ;  therefore,  never 
ftacrifice  truth  and  frankness,  to  a  mistaken  idea  of  kind- 
ness or  politeness. 

Letters  of  Introduction   must   be   left  unsealed. 

hey   must   not   contain   any   allusion  to  the  persona! 


LETTER   WRITING.  12i 

qualities  of  the  bearer,  as  such  allusion  would  be  about 
as  sure  a  proof  of  ill-breeding  as  if  you  sat  beside  your 
friend,  and  ran  over  the  list  of  the  virtues  and  talents 
possessed  by  her.  The  fact  that  the  person  bearing  the 
letter  is  your  friend,  will  be  all  sufficient  reason  for  cor 
dial  reception  by  the  friend  to  whom  the  letter  is  ad 
dressed.     The  best  form  is : — 

Philadelphia,  June  18^A,  18 — . 
Mr  DEAR  Mary  : 

This  letter  will  be  handed  to  you  by  Mrs.  C,  to  whom 
I  am  pleased  to  introduce  you,  certain  that  the  acquaint- 
ance thus  formed,  between  two  friends  of  mine,  of  so 
long  standing  and  so  much  beloved,  will  be  pleasant  to 
both  parties.  Any  attention  that  you  may  find  it  in 
your  power  to  extend  to  Mrs.  C.  whilst  she  is  in  your 
city,  will  be  highly  appreciated,  and  gratefully  acknow 
ledged.  by 

Your  sincere  friend 

A . 

Letters  of  Advice  should  not  be  written  unsolicited. 
They  will,  in  all  probability,  even  when  requested,  be 
unpalatable,  and  should  never  be  sent  unless  they  can 
really  be  of  service.  Write  them  with  frankness  and 
sincerity.  To  write  after  an  act  has  been  committed, 
and  is  irrevocable,  is  folly,  and  it  is  also  unkind.  You 
may  inform  your  friend  that,  "had  you  been  consulted,  a 
different  course  from  the  one  taken  would  have  been  re- 
commended," and  you  may  really  believe  this,  yet  it  wili 
Drobably  be  false.     Seeing  the  unfavorable  result  of  the 


128         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

wrong  course  will  enable  you  fully  to  appreciate  the  wi» 
dom  of  the  right  one,  but,  had  you  been  consulted  when 
the  matter  was  doubtful,  you  would  probably  have  been 
as  much  puzzled  as  your  friend  to  judge  the  proper  mode 
4jf  action.  You  should  word  a  letter  of  advice  delicately, 
stating  your  opinion  frankly  and  freely,  but  giving  it  as 
an  opinion,  not  as  a  positive  law.  If  the  advice  is  not 
taken,  do  not  feel  offended,  as  others,  more  experienced 
than  yourself  upon  the  point  in  question,  may  have  also 
been  consulted.  Let  no  selfish  motive  govern  such  a 
letter.  Think  only  of  the  good  or  evil  to  result  to  yom 
friend,  and  while  you  may  write  warmly  and  earnestly, 
let  the  motive  be  a  really  disinterested  one. 

Letters  of  Excuse  should  be  frank  and  graceful. 
They  must  be  written  promptly,  as  soon  as  the  occasion 
that  calls  for  them  admits.  If  delayed,  they  become  in- 
sulting. If  such  a  letter  is  called  forth  by  an  act  of 
negligence  on  your  own  part,  apologize  for  it  frankly, 
and  show  by  your  tone  that  you  sincerely  desire  to  re- 
gain the  confidence  your  carelessness  has  periled.  If 
you  have  been  obliged  by  positive  inability  to  neglect 
the  fulfilment  of  any  promise  you  have  given,  or  any 
commission  you  have  undertaken,  then  state  the  reason 
for  your  delay,  and  solicit  the  indulgence  of  your  friend. 
Do  not  write  in  such  stiff,  formal  language  that  the 
apology  will  seem  forced  from  you,  but  offer  your  excuse 
frankly,  as  if  with  a  sincere  desire  to  atone  for  an  act 
of  negligence,  or  remove  a  ground  of  offence. 

Letters  of  Intelligence  are  generally  the  answer  to 
letters  of  enquiry,  or  the  statement  of  certain  incidents 
'IT  facts,  interesting  both  to  the  writer  and  reader  of  the 


LETTER   WRITINa.  12S 

letter.  Be  careful  in  writing  such  a  letter  that  yon  have 
ftll  the  facts  in  exact  accordance  with  the  truth.  Re- 
member that  every  word  is  set  down  against  you,  if  one 
item  of  your  information  prove  to  be  false ;  and  do  not 
allow  personal  opinion  or  prejudice  to  dictate  a  single 
sentence.  Never  repeat  anything  gathered  from  mere 
uearsay,  and  be  careful,  in  such  a  letter,  that  ycu  violate 
no  confidence,  nor  force  yourself  upon  the  private  affairs 
of  any  one.  Do  not  let  scandal  or  a  mere  love  of  gossip 
dictate  a  letter  of  intelligence.  If  your  news  is  painful, 
state  it  as  delicately  as  possible,  and  add  a  few  lines  ex-- 
pressive  of  sympathy.  If  it  is  your  pleasant  task  to 
communicate  a  joyful  event,  make  your  letter  cheerful 
and  gay.  If  you  have  written  any  such  letter,  and, 
after  sending  it,  find  you  have  made  any  error  in  a  state- 
ment, write,  and  correct  the  mistake  immediately.  It 
may  be  a  trivial  error,  yet  there  is  no  false  or  mistaken 
news  so  trifling  as  to  make  a  correction  unnecessary. 

Invitations  are  generally  written  in  the  third  person, 
and  this  form  is  used  where  the  acquaintance  is  very 
slight,  for  formal  notes,  and  cards  of  compliment.  The 
form  is  proper  upon  such  occasions,  but  should  be  used 
only  in  the  most  ceremonious  correspondence.  If  this 
style  is  adopted  by  a  person  who  has  been  accustomed  to 
write  in  a  more  familiar  one  to  you,  take  it  as  a  hint, 
that  the  correspondence  has,  for  some  reason,  become 
disagreeable,  and  had  better  cease. 

Autograph  Letters  should  be  very  short ;  merely 
acknowledging  the  compliment  paid  by  the  request  for 
the  signature,  and  a  few  words  expressing  the  pleasure 
70U  feel  in  granting  the  favor.     If  you  write  to  ask  for 


180  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

an  autograph,  always  inclose  a  postage  stamp  for  the 
answer. 

Date  every  letter  you  write  accurately,  and  avoid 
postscripts. 

Politeness,  kindness,  both  demand  that  every  letter 
you  receive  must  be  answered.  Nothing  can  give  more 
pleasure  in  a  correspondence,  than  prompt  replies. 
Matters  of  much  importance  often  rest  upon  the  reply 
to  a  letter,  and  therefore  this  duty  should  never  be  de- 
layed. In  answering  friendly  letters,  it  will  be  found 
much  easier  to  write  what  is  kind  and  interesting,  if  you 
Bit  down  to  the  task,  as  soon  as  you  read  your  friend's 
letter.  Always  mention  the  date  of  the  letter  to  which 
your  own  is  a  reply. 

Never  write  on  a  half  sheet  of  paper.  Paper  is  cheap, 
and  a  half  sheet  looks  both  mean  and  slovenly.  If  you 
do  not  write  but  three  lines,  still  send  the  whole  sheet 
of  paper.  Perfectly  plain  paper,  thick,  smooth,  and 
white,  is  the  most  elegant.  When  in  mourning,  use 
paper  and  envelopes  with  a  black  edge.  Never  use  the 
gilt  edged,  or  fancy  bordered  paper  ;  it  looks  vulgar,  and 
is  in  bad  taste.  You  may,  if  you  will,  have  your  initials 
stamped  at  the  top  of  the  sheet,  and  on  the  seal  of  the 
envelope,  but  do  not  have  any  fancy  ornaments  in  the 
corners,  or  on  the  back  of  the  envelope. 

You  will  be  guilty  of  a  great  breach  of  politeness,  if 
you  answer  either  a  note  or  letter  upon  the  half  sheet  of 
the  paper  sent  by  your  correspondent,  even  though  it 
way  be  left  blank. 

Never  write,  even  the  shortest  note,  in  pencil  It  loot* 
careless,  and  is  rude. 


LETTER   WRITING.  131 

Nevor  write  a  letter  carelessly.  It  may  be  addressed 
to  your  most  intimate  friend,  or  your  nearest  relative, 
but  you  can  never  be  sure  that  the  eye  for  which  it  is 
intended,  will  be  the  only  one  that  sees  it.  I  do  not 
mean  by  this,  that  the  epistle  should  be  in  a  formal, 
studied  style,  but  that  it  must  be  correct  in  its  grammat- 
ical construction,  properly  punctuated,  with  every  word 
spelt  according  to  rule.  Even  in  the  most  familiar 
opistles,  observe  the  proper  rules  for  composition  ;  you 
.vould  not  in  conversing,  even  with  your  own  family,  use 
jicorrect  grammar,  or  impertinent  language  ;  therefore 
dvoid. saying  upon  paper  what  you  would  not  say  with 
your  tongue. 

Notes  written  in  the  third  person,  must  be  continued 
throughout  in  the  same  person  ;  they  are  frequently  very 
mysterious  from  the  confusion  of  pronouns,  yet  it  is  a 
style  of  correspondence  much  used  and  very  proper  upon 
many  occasions.  For  compliment,  inquiry  where  there 
is  no  intimacy  between  the  parties ;  from  superiors  to 
inferiors,  the  form  is  elegapt  and  proper.  If  you  receive 
a  note  written  in  the  third  person,  reply  in  the  same 
form,  but  do  not  reply  thus  to  a  more  familiar  note  or 
letter,  as  it  is  insulting,  and  implies  offence  taken.  If 
you  wish  to  repel  undue  familiarity  or  impertinence  in 
your  correspondent,  then  reply  to  the  epistle  in  the  most 
formal  language,  and  in  the  third  person. 

It  is  an  extraordinary  fact,  that  persons  who  have  re 
ceived  agood  education,  and  who  use  their  pens  frequently, 
will  often,  in  writing  notes,  commence  in  the  third  person 
and  then  use  the  second  or  first  personal  pronoun,  and 
finish  by  a  signature  ;  thus-^ 


132         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

Miss  Claire's  compliments  to  Mr.  James,  and  wisnes 
to  know  whether  you  have  finished  reading  my  copy  of 
"Jane  Eyre,'*  as  if  Mr.  James  had  finished  it,  I  would 
like  to  lend  it  to  another  friend. 

Sincerely  yours, 

Ella  Claire. 

The  errors  in  the  above  are  too  glaring  to  need  com 
ment,  yet,  with  only  the  alteration  of  names,  it  is  a  copy, 
verbatim,  of  a  note  written  by  a  well  educated  girl. 

Never  sign  a  note  written  in  the  third  person,  if  you 
begin  the  note  with  your  own  name.  It  is  admissible,  if 
the  note  is  worded  in  this  way : — 

Will  Mr.  James  return  by  bearer,  the  copy  of  "  Jane 
Eyre"  he  borrowed,  if  he  has  finished  reading  it,  and 
oblige  his  sincere  friend, 

Ella  Claire. 

If  you  use  a  quotation,  never  omit  to  put  it  in  quota- 
tion marks,  otherwise  your  correspondent  may,  however 
unjustly,  accuse  you  of  a  desire  to  pass  off  the  idea  and 
words  of  another,  for  your  own. 

Avoid  postscripts.  Above  all,  never  send  an  inquiry 
or  compliment  in  a  postscript.  To  write  a  long  letter, 
upon  various  subjects,  and  in  the  postscript  desire  to  be 
remembered  to  your  friend's  family,  or  inquire  fjr 
their  welfare,  instead  of  a  compliment,  becomes  in- 
sulting. It  is  better,  if  you  have  not  time  to  write  again 
and  place  such  inquiries  above  your  signatuie,  to  omit 
them  entirely.  Nobody  likes  to  see  their  name  men 
joned  as  an  afterthought. 


LETTER    WRITING.  13S 

Punctuate  your  letters  carefully.  The  want  of  a  mark 
of  punctuation,  or  the  incorrect  placing  of  it,  will  make 
the  most  woful  confusion.  I  give  an  instance  of  the 
utter  absurdity  produced  by  the  alteration  of  punctuation 
marks,  turning  a  sensible  paragraph  to  the  most  arrant 
nonsense : 

"  Caesar  entered ;  on  his  hjfead  his  helmet ;  on  his  feet 
armed  sandals ;  upon  his  brow  there  was  a  cloud ;  m  his 
right  hand  his  faithful  sword ;  in  his  eye  an  angry  glare ; 
saying  nothing,  he  sat  down." 

By  using  precisely  the  same  words,  merely  altering 
the  position  of  the  punctuation  marks,  we  have — 

"  Caesar  entered  on  his  head ;  his  helmet  on  his  feet , 
armed  sandals  upon  his  brow ;  there  was  a  cloud  in  his 
right  hand  ;  his  faithful  sword  in  his  eye ;  an  angry  glare 
saying  nothing;  he  sat  down." 

Be  careful,  then,  to  punctuate  properly,  that  you  may 
convey  to  the  reader  the  exact  sense  of  what  is  in  your 
mind. 

If  you  receive  an  impertinent  letter,  treat  it  with  con- 
tempt ;  do  not  answer  it. 

Never  answer  a  letter  by  proxy,  when  you  are  able  to 
write  yourself.  It  is  a  mark  of  respect  and  love,  to 
answer,  in  your  own  hand,  all  letters  addressed  to  you. 
If  you  are  obliged  to  write  to  a  friend  to  refuse  to  grant 
a  favor  asked,  you  will  lessen  the  pain  of  refusal  by 
wording  your  letter  delicately.  Loving  words,  if  it  is  a 
near  friend,  respectful,  kind  ones  if  a  mere  acquaintance, 
will  make  the  disagreeable  contents  of  the  letter  more 
bearable.  Try  to  make  the  manner  smooth  and  softfta 
the  hardness  of  the  matter. 


134  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Every  letter  must  embrace  the  following  particulars : 
1st.  The  date.  2d.  The  complimentary  address.  3d. 
The  body  of  the  letter.  4th.  The  complimentary 
closing.     5th.   The  signature.     6th.  The  address. 

There  are  two  ways  of  putting  the  date,  and  the  ad- 
dress. The  first  is  to  place  them  at  the  top  of  the  sheet, 
the  other  is  to  place  them  after  the  signature. 

When  at  the  top,  you  write  the  name  of  your  resi- 
dence, or  that  of  the  city  in  which  you  reside,  with  the 
day  of  the  month  and  the  year,  at  the  right  hand  of  the 
first  line  of  the  sheet.  Then,  at  the  left  hand  of  the 
next  line,  write  the  address,  then  the  complimentary  ad 
dress  below  the  name  ;  thus — 

Willow  Grove,  New  York, 

June  27th,  1859. 
Mrs.  E.  C.  Howell, 

My  dear  Madam, 

I  received  your  letter,  etc. 

At  the  end  of  the  letter,  on  the  right  hand  of  the 
sheet,  put  the  complimentary  closing,  and  then  the  sig  • 
nUare;  thus — 

I  remain,  my  dear  Madam, 

With  much  respect. 
Yours  sincerely, 
S.  E.  Law. 


LETTER    WRITING.  136 

If  you  place  the  date  and  address  after  the  signature, 
put  it  at  the  left  of  the  sheet ;  thus — 

I  remain,  my  dear  Madam, 

With  much  respect, 
Yours  sincerely, 
S.  E.  Law. 
Mes.  E.  C.  Howell. 

June  21th,  1859. 

For  a  long  letter,  it  is  better  to  put  the  date  and  ad- 
uress  at  the  top  of  the  page.  For  a  letter  of  only  a 
4ew  lines,  which  ends  on  the  first  page,  the  second  form 
is  best.  In  a  letter  written  to  a  person  in  the  same  city, 
you  need  not  put  the  address  under  the  signature ;  if  not, 
write  it — 

S.  E.  Law, 

Willow  Grove,  New  York. 

In  writing  to  a  dear  friend  or  relative,  where  there  is 
no  formality  required,  you  may  omit  the  name  at  the  top 
of  the  letter ;  put  the  date  and  address  thus — 

Willow  Grove,  New  York, 

June  27th,  1859. 
Dear  Anna  : 

I  write,  etc. 

It  is  best,  however,  to  put  the  full  name  at  the  bottom 
of  the  last  page.  In  »;ase  the  letter  is  mislaid  without  the 
envelope;  thusj— 

E.  C.  Law. 
Miss  Anna  Wiv'or±i.T 


136         LADIES'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

If  you  use  an  envelope,  and  this  custom  is  now  uni- 
versal, fold  your  letter  neatly  to  fit  into  it ;  then  direct  on 
the  envelope.  Put  first  the  name,  then  the  name  of  the 
person  to  whose  care  the  letter  must  be  directed,  then 
the  street,  the  city,  and  State.  If  the  town  is  small,  put 
aIso  the  county. 
This  is  the  form : — 
Miss  Anna  Wright, 

Care  of  Mr.  John  C.  "Wright, 
No.  40,  Lexington  street, 

Greensburg — Lee  County. 

Mass. 

If  the  city  is  a  large  one,  New  York,  Philadelphia. 
Baltimore,  or  any  of  the  principal  cities  of  the  Union, 
you  may  omit  the  name  of  the  county.  If  your  letter 
is  to  go  abroad,  add  the  name  of  the  country :  as,  Eng- 
land, or  France,  in  full,  under  that  of  the  city. 

The  name  of  the  state  is  usually  abbreviated,  and  for 
the  use  of  my  readers,  I  give  the  names  of  the  United 
States  with  their  abbreviations : 

Maine,  Me.  New  Hampshire,  N.  H.  Vermont,  Vt. 
Massachusetts,  Mass.  Rhode  Island,  R.  I.  Connecti- 
cut, Conn.  New  York,  N.  Y.  New  Jersey,  N.  J. 
Pennsylvania,  Pa.,  or,  Penn.  Delaware,  Del.  Mary- 
land, Md.  Virginia,  Va.  North  Carolina,  N.  C.  South 
Carolina,  S.  C.  Georgia,  Ga.,  or,  Geo.  Alabama, 
Ala.  Mississippi,  Miss.  Missouri,  Mo.  Louisiana,  La. 
Tennessee,  Tenn.  Kentucky,  Ky.  Indiana,  Ind. 
Ohio,  0.  Michigan,  Mich.  Illinois,  111.  Wisconsin, 
Wis.     Arkansas,  Ark.     Texas,   Tex.     Iowa,  lo.     Flo- 


LETTER    WRITING.  137 

rida,  Flo.  Oregon,  0.  California,  Cal.  Minnesota, 
Minn.  District  of  Columbia,  D.  C.  If  you  are  writing 
from  another  country  to  America,  put  United  States  of 
America  after  the  name  of  the  state. 

On  the  upper  left  hand  corner  of  your  envelope,  put 
your  postage-stamp. 

If  you  send  a  letter  by  private  hand,  write  the  namo 
of  the  bearer  in  the  lower  left  hand  corner,  thus : 

Mrs.  E.  a.  Howell, 

Clinton  Place, 

Boston. 
Mr.  G.  G.  Lane. 

In  directing  to  any  one  who  can  claim  any  prefix,  or 
addition,  to  his  proper  name  do  not  omit  to  put  that,  "re- 
publican title."  For  a  clergyman,  Rev.  for  B  ^^^rend  ifl 
put  before  the  name,  thus  : — 

Rev.  James  C.  Day. 
For  a  bishop : 

Right  Reverend  E.  Banks. 
For  a  physician : 

^  Dr.  James  Curtis, 

or, 
James  Curtis,  M.D, 
For  a  member  of  Congress : 

Hon.  E.  C.  Delta. 
For  an  officer  in  the  navy. 

Capt.  Henry  Lee,  U.  S.  N. 
For  an  officer  in  the  army : 

Col.  Edward  Holmes,  tJ.  S.  A. 


138  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

For  a  professor : 

Prof.  E.  L.  James. 

If  the  honorary  addition,  LL.D.,  A.  M.,  or  any  such 
title  belongs  to  your  correspondent,  add  it  to  his  name, 
on  the  envelope,  thus : — 

J.  L.  Peters,  LL.D. 

If  you  seal  with  wax,  it  is  best  to  put  a  drop  under 
the  turn-over,  and  fasten  this  down  firmly  before  you 
drop  the  wax  that  is  to  receive  the  impression. 

Cards  of  compliment  are  usually  written  in  the  third 
person.  I  give  a  few  of  the  most  common  and  proper 
forms. 

For  a  party  . 

Miss  Lee's  compliments  to  Mr.  Bates,  for  Wednesday 
evening,  Nov.  18th,  at  8  o'clock. 

Addressed  to  a  lady : 

Miss  Lee  requests  the  pleasure  of  Miss  Howard's  com* 
pany  on  Wednesday  evening,  Nov.  18th,  at  8  o'clock. 

For  a  ball,  the  above  form,  with  the  word  Dancing,  in 
the  left  hand  corner. 

Invitations  to  dinner  or  tea  specify  the  entertainment 
thus : 

Mrs.  Garret's  compliments  to  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Howard 
and  requests  the  pleasure  of  their  company  to  dine  (or 
take  tea)  on  Wednesday,  Nov.  6th,  at  6  o'clock. 

The  form  for  answering,  is : — 


LETTER    WRITmG.  139 

Miss  Howard  accepts  with  pleasure  Miss  Lee's  polite 
invitation  for  Wednesday  evening. 

or, 

Miss  Howard  regrets  that  a  prior  engagement  will 
prevent  her  accepting  Miss  Lee's  polite  invitation  for 
Wednesday  evening. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Howard's  compliments  to  Mrs.  Garret, 
and  accept  with  pleasure  her  kind  invitation  for  Wednes- 
day. 

or, 

Mrs.  Howard  regrets  that  the  severe  illness  of  Mr. 
Howard  will  render  it  impossible  for  either  herself  or 
Mr.  Howard  to  join  Mrs.  Garret's  party  on  Wednesday 
next. 

Upon  visiting  cards,  left  when  the  caller  is  about  to 
leave  the  city,  the  letters  p.  p.  c.  are  put  in  the  left  hand 
corner,  they  are  the  abbreviation  of  the  French  words, 
pour  prendre  conge^  or  may,  with  equal  propriety,  stand 
for  p-esents  parting  compliments.  Another  form,  p.  d.  a., 
pour  dire  adieu,  may  be  used. 

No  accomplishment  within  the  scope  of  human  know- 
ledge is  so  beautiful  in  all  its  features  as  that  of  epis- 
tolary correspondence.  Though  distance,  absence,  and 
circumstances  may  separate  the  holiest  alliances  of 
friendship,  or  those  who  are  bound  together  by  the  still 
stronger  ties  of  affection,  yet  the  power  of  interchanging 
thoughts,  words,  feelings,  and  sentiments,  through  the 
medium  of  letters,  adds  a  sweetness  to  the  pain  of  sepac 
ration,  renovating  to  life,  and  adding  to  happiness. 


140  LADIES*    BOOK    OF   ETIQUETTE. 

The  wide  ocean  may  roll  between  those  who  have 
passed  the  social  years  of  youth  together,  or  the  snow- 
capped Alps  may  rise  in  sublime  grandeur,  separating 
early  associates;  still  young  remembrances  may  be  called 
up,  and  the  paradise  of  memory  made  to  bloom  afresh 
with  unwithered  flowers  of  holy  recollection. 

Though  we  see  not  eye  to  eye  and  face  to  face,  where 
the  soft  music  of  a  loved  voice  may  fall  with  its  richness 
upon  the  ear,  yet  the  very  soul  and  emotions  of  the  mind 
may  be  poured  forth  in  such  melody  as  to  touch  the 
heart  "that's  far  away,"  and  melt  down  the  liveliest  eye 
into  tears  of  ecstatic  rapture. 

Without  the  ability  to  practice  the  refined  art  of  epis- 
tolary correspondence,  men  would  become  cold  and  dis- 
cordant :  an  isolated  compound  of  misanthropy.  They 
would  fall  off  in  forsaken  fragments  from  the  great  bond 
of  union  which  now  adorns  and  beautifies  all  society. 
Absence,  distance,  and  time  would  cut  the  silken  cords 
of  parental,  brotherly,  and  even  connubial  afi*ection. 
Early  circumstances  would  be  lost  in  forgetfulness,  and 
the  virtues  of  reciprocal  friendship  "  waste  their  sweet- 
ness on  the  desert  air." 

Since,  then,  the  art  and  practice  of  letter-writing  is 
productive  of  so  much  refined  and  social  happiness,  a 
lau<lable  indulgence  in  it  must  ever  be  commendable. 
While  it  elevates  the  noble  faculties  of  the  mind,  it  also 
chastens  the  disposition,  and  improves  those  intellectual 
powers  which  would  otherwise  remain  dormant  and  use- 
less. 

Notwithstanding  the  various  beauties  and  pleasures 
attendant  upon  the  accomplishment,  yet  there  are  manv 


LETTER  WRITING.  141 

who  have  given  it  but  a  slight  portion  of  their  attention, 
and  have,  therefore,  cause  to  blush  at  their  own  ignorance 
whei.  necessity  demands  its  practice.  There  is  no  better 
mode  by  which  to  test  the  acquirements  of  either  a 
young  lady  or  gentleman  than  from  their  letters. 

Letters  are  among  the  most  useful  forms  of  composi- 
tion. There  are  few  persons,  who  can  read  or  write  at 
all,  who  do  not  frequently  have  occasion  to  write  them ; 
and  an  elegant  letter  is  much  more  rare  than  an  elegant 
specimen  of  any  other  kind  of  writing. 

The  more  ^rational  and  elevated  the  topics  are,  on 
which  you  write,  the  less  will  you  care  for  your  letters 
being  seen,  or  for  paragraphs  being  read  oiit  of  them ; 
and  where  there  is  no  need  of  any  secrecy,  it  is  best  not 
to  bind  your  friend  by  promises,  but  to  leave  it  to  her 
iiscretion 


CHAPTER   XVI. 

P3LITE   DEPORTMENT,  AND    GOOD    HABITS. 

Lord  Chesterfield  sajs,  "  Good  sense  and  good 
nature  suggest  civility  in  general  ;  but  in  good  breeding 
there  are  a  thousand  little  delicacies  which  are  estab- 
lished only  by  custom." 

It  is  the  knowledge  and  practice  of  such  "  little  deli- 
cacies" which  constitutes  the  greatest  charm  of  society. 

Manner  may  be,  and,  in  most  cases,  probably  is,  the 
cloak  of  the  heart ;  this  cloak  may  be  used  to  cover  de- 
fects, but  is  it  not  better  so  to  conceal  these  defects,  than 
to  flaunt  and  parade  them  in  the  eyes  of  all  whom  w*» 
may  meet  ? 

Many  persons  plead  a  love  of  truth  as  an  apology  for 
rough  manners,  as  if  truth  was  never  gentle  and  kind, 
but  always  harsh,  morose,  and  forbidding.  Surely  good 
manners  and  a  good  conscience  are  no  more  inconsistent 
with  each  other  than  beauty  and  innocence,  which  are 
strikingly  akin,  and  always  look  the  better  for  compan- 
ionship. Roughness  and  honesty  are  indeed  sometimes 
found  tosre.ther  in  the  same  person,  but  he  is  a  poor  judge 
of  human  nature  who  takes  ill-manners  to  be  a  guarantee 

•f  probity  of  character.     Some  persons  object  to  polite- 
142 


POLITE   DEPORTMENT,  AI^D   GOOD    flA^BIlS.  343 

ness,  that  its  language  is  unmeaning  and  false.  But  this 
IS  easily  answered.  A  lie  is  not  locked  up  in  a  phrase, 
but  must  exist,  if  at  all,  in  the  mind  of  the  speaker.  In 
the  ordinary  compliments  of  civilized  life,  there  is  no  in- 
tention to  deceive,  and  consequently  no  falsehood. 
Polite  language  is  pleasant  to  the  ear,  and  soothing  to 
the  heart,  while  rough  words  are  just  the  reverse ;  and 
if  not  the  product  of  ill  temper,  are  very  apt  to  produce 
it.  The  plainest  of  truths,  let  it  be  remembered,  can  be 
conveyed  in  civil  speech,  while  the  most  malignant  lies 
may  find  utterance,  and  often  do,  in  the  language  of  the 
fishmarket. 

Many  ladies  say,  "  Oh,  I  am  perfectly  frank  and  out- 
spoken ;  I  never  stop  to  mince  words,"  or,  "  there  is  no 
afiectation  about  me ;  all  my  actions  are  perfectly  natu 
ral,"  and,  upon  the  ground  of  frankness,  will  insult  and 
wound  by  rude  language,  and  defend  awkwardness  and 
ill-breeding  by  the  plea  of  "natural  manners." 

If  nature  has  not  invested  you  with  all  the  virtues 
which  may  be  desirable  in  a  lady,  do  not  make  your 
faults  more  conspicuous  by  thrusting  them  forward  upon 
all  occasions,  and  at  all  times.  "  Assume  a  virtue  if  you 
have  it  not,"  and  you  will,  in  time,  by  imitation,  ac 
quire  it. 

By  endeavoring  to  appear  generous,  disinterested, 
self-sacrificing,  and  amiable,  the  opposite  passions  will  be 
brought  into  subjection,  first  in  the  manner,  afterwards 
m  the  heart.  It  is  not  the  desire  to  deceive,  but  the 
desire  to  please,  which  will  dictate  such  a  course.  When 
y(^u  hear  one,  who  pretends  to  be  a  lady,  boast  that  she 
is  r^ugh,  capricious,  and  gluttonous,  you  may  feel  sure 


144         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

that  she  has  never  tried  to  conquer  these  faults,  or  8h« 
would  be  ashamed,  not  proud,  of  them. 

The  way  to  make  yourself  pleasing  to  others,  is  to 
Bhow  that  you  care  for  them.  The  whole  world  is  liko 
the  miller  at  Mansfield,  "who  cared  for  nobody — no, 
not  he^because  nobody  cared  for  him."  And  the  whole 
world  will  serve  you  so,  if  you  give  them  the  same  cause. 
Let  every  one,  therefore,  see  that  you  do  care  for  them, 
by  showing  them,  what  Sterne  so  happily  calls,  "  the 
small,  sweet  courtesies  of  life,"  those  courtesies  in  which 
there  is  no  parade ;  whose  voice  is  too  still  to  tease,  and 
which  manifest  themselves  by  tender  and  afi*ectionate 
look?,  and  little,  kind  acts  of  attention,  giving  others  the 
preference  in  every  little  enjoyment  at  the  table,  in  the 
field,  walking,  sitting,  or  standing. 

Thus  the  first  rule  for  a  graceful  manner  is  unselfish 
consideration  of  others. 

By  endeavoring  to  acquire  the  habit  of  politeness,  it 
will  soon  become  familiar,  and  sit  on  you  with  ease,  if 
not  with  elegance.  Let  it  never  be  forgotten,  that  gen- 
uine politeness  is  a  great  fosterer  of  family  love ;  it 
allays  accidental  irritation,  by  preventing  harsh  retorts 
and  rude  contradictions  ;  it  softens  the  boisterous,  stim- 
ulates the  indolent,  suppresses  selfishness,  and  by  form- 
ing a  habit  of  consideration  for  others,  harmonizes  the 
whole.  Politeness  begets  politeness,  and  brothers  may 
be  easily  won  by  it,  to  leave  off"  the  rude  ways  they  bring 
home  from  school  or  college.  Sisters  ought  never  to 
receive  any  little  attention  without  thanking  them  for  it, 
never  to  ask  a  favor  of  them  but  in  courteous  terms, 
never  to  reply  to  their  questions  in  monosyllables,  and 


POLITE   DEPORTMENT,  AND   GOOD   HABITS.         146 

they  will  soon  be  ashamed  to  do  such  things  themselves. 
Both  precept  and  example  ought  to  be  laid  under  contri- 
bution, to  convince  them  that  no  one  can  have  really 
good  manners  abroad,  who  is  not  habitually  polite  at 
home. 

If  you  wish  to  be  a  well-bred  lady,  you  must  carry 
your  good  manners  everywhere  with  you.  It  is  not  a 
thing  that  can  be  laid  aside  and  put  on  at  pleasure 
True  politeness  is  uniform  disinterestedness  in  trifles, 
accompanied  by  the  calm  self-possession  which  belongs 
to  a  noble  simplicity  of  purpose ;  and  this  must  be  the 
effect  of  a  Christian  spirit  running  through  all  you  do, 
or  say,  or  think ;  and,  unless  you  cultivate  it  and  exercise 
It,  upon  all  occasions  and  towards  all  persons,  it  will 
never  be  a  part  of  yourself. 

It  is  not  an  art  to  be  paraded  upon  public  occasions, 
and  neglected  in  every-day  duties ;  nor  should  it,  like  a 
ball-dress,  be  carefully  laid  aside  at  home,  trimmed,  or- 
namented, and  worn  only  when  out.  Let  it  come 'into 
every  thought^  and  it  will  show  forth  in  every  action. 
Let  it  be  the  rule  in  the  homeliest  duties,  and  then  it  will 
set  easily  when  in  public,  not  in  a  stiff  manner,  like  a 
garment  seldom  worn. 

I  wish  it  were  possible  to  convince  every  woman  that 

politeness  is  a  most  excellent  good  quality ;  that  it  is  a 

necessary  ingredient  in  social  comfort,  and  a  capital  as- 

Bistant  to  actual  prosperity.     Like  most  good  things, 

however,  the  word  politeness  is  often  misunderstood  and 

misapplied  ;  and  before  urging  the  practical  use  of  that 

which  it  represents,  it  may  be  necessary  to  say  what  it 

means,  and  what  it  does  not  mean. 
10 


146  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Politeness  is  not  hypocrisy : — cold-heartedness,  or  un« 
kindness  in  disguise.  There  are  persons  who  can  smile 
upon  a  victim,  and  talk  smoothly,  while  they  injure,  de- 
ceive, or  betray.  And  they  will  take  credit  to  them 
selves,  that  all  has  been  done  with  the  utmost  politeness , 
that  every  tone,  look,  and  action,  has  been  in  perfect 
keeping  with  the  rules  of  good  breeding.  "  The  worda 
of  their  mouth  are  smoother  than  butter,  but  war  is  in 
fcheir  heart :  their  words  are  softer  than  oil,  yet  are  they 
drawn  swords."  Perish  for  ever  and  ever  such  spurious 
politeness  as  this ! 

Politeness  is  not  servility.  If  it  were  so,  a  Russian 
serf  would  be  a  model  of  politeness.  It  is  very  possible 
for  persons  to  be  very  cringing  and  obsequious,  without 
a  single  atom  of  politeness ;  and  it  often  happens  that 
men  of  the  most  sturdy  independence  of  character,  are 
essentially  polite  in  all  their  words,  actions,  and  feelings. 
It  were  well  for  this  to  be  fully  understood,  for  many 
people  will  abstain  from  acts  of  real  politeness,  and  even 
of  common  civility,  for  fear  of  damaging  their  fancied 
independence. 

True  politeness,  as  I  understand  itj  is  kindness  and 
courtesy  of  feeling  brought  into  every-day  exercise. 
It  comprehends  hearty  good  will  towards  everybody, 
thorough  and  constant  good-humor,  an  easy  deportment, 
and  obliging  manners.  Every  person  who  cultivates 
such  feelings,  and  takes  no  pains  to  conceal  them,  will 
necessarily  be  polite,  though  she  may  not  exactly  know 
it ;  while,  on  the  other  hand,  a  woman  essentially  morose 
and  selfish,  whatever  may  be  her  pretensions,  must  be 
Fery  far  from  truly  polite. 


POLITE   DEPORTMENT,  AND   GOOD   HABITS.         147 

It  is  very  true  there  are  those  whose  position  in  society 
compels  them  to  observe  certain  rules  of  etiquette  which 
pass  for  politeness.  They  bow  or  courtesy  with  a  decent 
grace ;  shake  hands  with  the  precise  degree  of  vigor 
which  the  circumstances  of  the  case  require ;  speak  just 
at  the  right  time,  and  in  the  required  manner,  and  smile 
with  elegant  propriety.^  Not  a  tone,  look,  or  gesture,  is 
out  of  place  :  not  a  habit  indulged  which  etiquette  for- 
bids ;  and  yet,  there  will  be  wanting,  after  all,  the  secret 
charm  of  sincerity  and  heart  kindness,  which  those  out- 
ward signs  are  intended  to  represent ;  and,  wanting 
which,  we  have  only  the  form,  without  the  essence,  of 
politeness. 

Let  me  recommend,  therefore,  far  beyond  all  the  rules 
ever  penned  by  teachers  of  etiquette,  the  cultivation  of 
kind  and  loving  feelings.  Throw  your  whole  soul  into 
the  lesson,  and  you  will  advance  rapidly  towards  the 
perfection  of  politeness,  for  "out  of  the  abundance  of 
the  heart  the  mouth  speaketh,"  and  the  movements  of 
your  form  and  the  words  you  utter  will  follow  faithfully 
the  hidden  springs  of  action  within. 

There  cannot  be  genuine  good  breeding  to  any  happj 
degree,  where  there  is  not  self-respect.  It  is  that  which 
imparts  ease  and  confidence  to  our  manners,  and  impels 
us,  for  our  own  sake,  as  well  as  for  the  sake  of  others,  t> 
behave  becomingly  as  intelligent  beings. 

It  is  a  want  of  true  politeness  that  introduces  the  dis- 
cord and  confusion  which  too  often  make  our  homes  un- 
nappy.  A  little  consideration  for  the  feelings  of  those 
whom  we  are  bound  to  love  and  cherish,  and  a  little 
sacrifice  of  our  own  wills,  would,  in  multitudes  of  instances, 


148         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

make  all  the  difference  between  alienation  and  gro"win|k^ 
affection.  The  principle  of  genuine  politeness  would  ac- 
complish this ;  and  what  a  pity  it  is  that  those  whose 
only  spring  of  rational  enjoyment  is  to  be  found  at  home, 
should  miss  that  enjoyment  by  a  disregard  of  little 
things,  which,  after  all,  make  up  the  sum  of  human 
existence ! 

What  a  large  amount  of  actual  discomfort  in  domestic 
life  would  be  prevented,  if  all  children  were  trained,  both 
by  precept  and  example,  to  the  practice  of  common 
politeness !  If  they  were  taught  to  speak  respectfully 
to  parents,  and  brothers,  and  sisters,  to  friends,  neigh- 
bors, and  strangers,  what  bawlings,  and  snarlinga 
would  be  stilled !  If  their  behavior  within  doors,  and 
especially  at  the  table,  were  regulated  by  a  few  of 
the  common  rules  of  good  breeding,  how  much  natural 
and  proper  disgust  would  be  spared  !  If  oourtesy  of  de- 
meanor, towards  all  whom  they  meet  in  field  or  highway, 
were  instilled,  how  much  more  pleasant  would  be  our 
town  travels,  and  our  rustic  rambles  !  Every  parent  has 
a  personal  interest  in  this  matter  ;  and  if  every  parent 
would  but  make  the  needful  effort,  a  great  degree  of 
gross  incivility,  and  consequent  annoyance,  would  soon 
be  swept  away  from  our  hearths  and  homes. 

Whilst  earnestly  endeavoring  to  acquire  true  polite- 
ness, avoid  that  spurious  imitation,  affectation.  It  is  to 
genuine  politeness  and  good  breeding,  what  the  showy 
paste  is  to  the  pure  diamond.  It  is  the  offspring  of  a 
sickly  taste,  a  deceitful  heart,  and  a  sure  proof  of  low 
breeding. 

The  certain  test  of  affectation  in  any  individual,  is  the 


POLITE   DEPORTMENT,  AND    GOOD   HABITS.  149 

looking,  speaking,  moving,  or  acting  in  any  way  differeni 
when  in  the  presence  of  others,  especially  those  whose 
opinion  we  regard  and  whose  approbation  we  desire,  from 
what  we  should  do  in  solitude,  or  in  the  presence  of  those 
only  whom  we  disregard,  or  who  we  think  cannot  injure 
or  benefit  us.  The  motive  for  resisting  affectation  is,  that 
it  is  both  unsuccessful  and  sinful.  It  always  involves  a 
degree  of  hypocrisy,  which  is  exceedingly  offensive  in 
the  sight  of  God,  which  is  generally  detected  even  by 
men,  and  which,  when  detected,  exposes  its  subject  to 
contempt  which  could  never  have  been  excited  by  the 
mere  absence  of  any  quality  or  possession,  as  it  is  by 
the  false  assumption  of  what  is  not  real.  The  best  cure 
for  affectation  is  the  cultivation,  on  principle,  of  every 
good,  virtuous,  and  amiable  habit  and  feeling,  not  for 
the  sake  of  being  approved  or  admired,  but  because  it  is 
right  in  itself,  and  without  considering  what  people  will 
think  of  it.  Thus  a  real  character  will  be  formed  in- 
stead of  a  part  being  assumed,  and  admiration  and  love 
will  be  spontaneously  bestowed  where  they  are  really  de- 
served. Artificial  manners  are  easily  seen  through  ;  and 
the  result  of  such  observations,  however  accomplished 
and  beautiful  the  object  may  be,  is  contempt  for  such  lit- 
tleness. 

Many  ladies,  moving,  too,  in  good  society,  will  affect 
a  forward,  bold  manner,  very  disagreeable  to  persons  of 
sense.  They  will  tell  of  their  wondrous  feats,  when  cti- 
gnged  in  pursuits  only  suited  for  men;  they  will  converse 
in  a  loud,  boisterous  tone ;  laugh  loudly ;  sing  comic 
songs,  or  dashing  bravuras  in  a  style  only  fit  for  the 
itage  or  a  gentleman's  after-dinner  party ;  they  will  lay 


150  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

wagers,  give  broad  hints  and  then  brag  of  their  success 
in  forcing  invitations  or  presents  ;  interlard  their  conver 
sation  with  slang  words  or  phrases  suited  only  to  the 
6table  or  bar-room,  and  this  they  think  is  a  dashing,  fas- 
cinating manner.  It  may  be  encouraged,  admired,  in 
their  presence,  by  gentlemen,  and  imitated  by  younger 
ladies,  but,  be  sure,  it  is  looked  upon  with  contempt,  ana 
disapproval  by  every  one  of  good  sense,  and  that  to  per- 
sons of  real  refinement  it  is  absolutely  disgusting. 

Other  ladies,  taking  quite  as  mistaken  a  view  of  reai 
refinement,  will  affect  the  most  childish  timidity,  converse 
only  in  whispers,  move  slowly  as  an  invalid,  faint  at  the 
shortest  notice,  and  on  the  slightest  provocation ;  be 
easily  moved  to  tears,  and  profess  never  to  eat,  drink, 
or  sleep.  This  course  is  as  absurd  as  the  other,  and 
much  more  troublesome,  as  everybody  dreads  the  scene 
which  will  follow  any  shock  to  the  dear  creature's  nerves, 
and  will  be  careful  to  avoid  any  dangerous  topics. 

Self-respect,  and  a  proper  deference  for  our  superiors 
in  age  or  intellect,  will  be  the  best  safeguards  against 
either  a  cringing  or  insolent  manner. 

Without  self-respect  you  will  be  apt  to  be  both  awk- 
ward and  bashful ;  either  of  which  faults  are  entirely  in- 
consistent with  a  graceful  manner.  Be  careful  that 
while  you  have  sufiicient  self-respect  to  make  your  man- 
ner easy,  it  does  not  become  arrogance  and  so  engender 
insolence.  Avoid  sarcasm;  it  will,  unconsciously  to 
yourself,  degenerate  into  pertness,  and  often  downright 
rudeness.  Do  not  be  afraid  to  speak  candidly,  but  tem- 
per candor  with  courtesy,  and  never  let  wit  run  into  that 


151 

satire  that  will  wound  deeply,  whilst  it  amuses  only 
slightly. 

Let  your  carriage  be  at  once  dignified  and  graceful. 
There  are  but  few  figures  that  will  bear  quick  motion ; 
with  almost  every  one  its  eflfect  is  that  of  a  jerk,  a  most 
awkward  movement.  Let  the  feet,  in  walking  or  danc- 
ing, be  turned  out  slightly ;  when  you  are  seated,  rest 
them  both  on  the  floor  or  a  footstool.  To  sit  with  the 
knees  or  feet  crossed  or  doubled  up,  is  awkward  and  un- 
lady-like.  Carry  your  arms,  in  walking,  easily ;  never 
crossing  them  stiffly  or  swinging  them  beside  you.  When 
seated,  if  you  are  not  sewing  or  knitting,  keep  your 
hands  perfectly  quiet.  This,  whilst  one  of  the  most  dif- 
ficult accomplishments  to  attain,  is  the  surest  mark  of  a 
lady.  Do  not  fidget,  playing  with  your  rings,  brooch, 
or  any  little  article  that  may  be  near  you ;  let  your  hands 
rest  in  an  easy,  natural  position,  perfectly  quiet. 

Never  gesticulate  when  conversing ;  it  looks  theatrical, 
and  is  ill-bred ;  so  are  all  contortions  of  the  features, 
shrugging  of  shoulders,  raising  of  the  eyebrows,  or 
hands. 

When  you  open  a  conversation,  do  so  with  a  slight 
bow  and  smile,  but  be  careful  not  to  simper,  and  not  to 
smile  too  often,  if  the  conversation  becomes  serious. 

Never  point.     It  is  excessively  ill-bred. 

Avoid  exclamations;  they  are  in  excessively  bad  taste, 
and  are  apt  to  be  vulgar  words.  A  lady  may  express 
as  much  polite  surprise  or  concern  by  a  few  simple, 
earnest  words,  or  in  her  manner,  as  she  can  by  exclaim- 
Uig  "  Good  gracious  !"  "  Mercy  I"  or  "  Dear  me  !'* 

Remember  that  every  part  of  your  person  and  dress 


152         ladies'  bo  UK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

should  be  in  perfect  order  before  you  leave  the  dressing 
room,  and  avoid  all  such  tricks  as  smoothing  your  liair 
with  your  hand,  arranging  your  curls,  pulling  the  waist 
ot  your  dress  down,  or  settling  your  collar  or  sleeves. 

Avoid  lounging  attitudes,  they  are  indelicate,  except 
m  your  own  private  apartment.  Nothing  but  ill  health 
will  excuse  them  before  company,  and  a  lady  had  better 
keep  her  room  if  she  is  too  feeble  to  sit  up  in  the  draw- 
ing-room. 

Let  your  deportment  suit  your  age  and  figure ;  to  see 
a  tiny,  fairy-like  young  girl,  marching  erect,  stiff,  and 
awkwardly,  like  a  soldier  on  parade,  is  not  more  absurd 
than  to  see  a  middle-aged,  portly  woman,  aping  the 
romping,  hoydenish  manners  of  a  school-girl. 

Let  the  movements  be  easy  and  flexible,  and  accord 
with  the  style  of  the  lady. 

Let  your  demeanor  be  always  marked  by  modesty  and 
simplicity ;  as  soon  as  you  become  forward  or  affected, 
you  have  lost  your  greatest  charm  of  manner. 

You  should  be  quite  as  anxious  to  talk  with  propriety 
as  you  are  to  think,  work,  sing,  paint,  or  write,  accord- 
ing to  the  most  correct  rules. 

Always  select  words  calculated  to  convey  an  exact  im- 
pression of  your  meaning. 

Let  your  articulation  be  easy,  clear,  correct  in  accent, 
and  suited  in  tone  and  emphasis  to  your  discourse. 

Avoid  a  muttering,  mouthing,  stuttering,  droning, 
guttural,  nasal,  or  lisping,  pronunciation. 

Let  your  speech  be  neither  too  loud  nor  too  low ;  but 
adjusted  to  the  ear  of  your  companion.  Try  to  prevent 
the  necessity  of  any  person  crying,   "  What?'*  What?  ' 


POLITE   DEPORTMENT,    AND    GOOD   HABITS.  153 

Avoid  a  loquacious  propensity ;  you  should  never  oc- 
cupy more  than  your  share  of  the"  time,  or  more  than  is 
agreeable  to  others. 

Beware  of  such  vulgar  interpolations  as  "You  know," 
''  You  see,"  "  I'll  tell  you  what." 

Pay  a  strict  regard  to  the  rules  of  grammar,  even  in 
private  conversation.  If  you  do  not  understand  these 
rules,  learn  them,  whatever  be  your  age  or  station. 

Though  you  should  always  speak  pleasantly,  do  not 
mix  your  conversation  with  loud  bursts  of  laughter. 

Never  indulge  in  uncommon  words,  or  in  Latin  and 
French  phrases,  but  choose  the  best  understood  terms  to 
express  your  meaning. 

Above  all,  let  your  conversation  be  intellectual,  grace- 
ful, chaste,  dissreet,  edifying,  and  profitable. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

CONDUCT  IN  CHURCH. 

In  entering  a  church  of  a  different  denominaticn  fron 
the  one  you  have  been  in  the  habit  of  frequenting,  ask 
the  sexton  to  show  you  to  a  seat.  It  is  the  height  of 
rudeness  to  enter  a  pew  without  invitation,  as  the  owner 
may  desire,  if  her  family  do  not  require  all  the  seats,  to 
invite  her  own  personal  friends  to  take  the  vacant  places. 
If  you  are  not  perfectly  familiar  with  the  manner  of 
conducting  the  worship,  observe  those  around  you,  rise, 
kneel,  and  sit,  as  you  see  they  do.  It  is  a  mark  of  dis- 
respect for  the  pastor  as  well  as  irreverence  for  the  Most 
High,  to  remain  seated  through  the  whole  service,  unless 
you  are  ill,  or  otherwise  incapacitated  from  standing  and 
kneeling. 

Enter  the  sacred  edifice  slowly,  reverentially,  and  take 
your  seat  quietly.  It  is  not  required  of  you  to  bow  to 
any  friend  you  may  see  in  passing  up  the  aisle,  as  you 
are  supposed  yourself  to  be,  and  suppose  her  to  be  en- 
tirely absorbed  in  thought  proper  for  the  occasion.  To 
stare  round  the  church,  or  if  you  are  not  alone,  to  whis- 
per to  your  companion,  is  irreverent,  indelicate,  and 
164 


CONDUCT,  IN   CHURCH.  155 

rude.  If  your  own  feelings  will  not  prompt  ycu  to  si- 
lence and  reverence,  pay  some  regard  to  the  feelings  of 
others. 

Be  careful  not  to  appear  to  notice  those  around  you 
If  others  are  so  rude  as  to  talk  or  conduct  improperly, 
fix  your  own  mind  upon  the  worship  .which  you  come  to 
pay,  and  let  the  impertinence  pass  unheeded. 

If  there  is  another  person  in  the  same  pew  with  your- 
self, who,  more  familiar  with  the  service,  hands  you  the 
book,  or  points  out  the  place,  acknowledge  the  civility 
by  a  silent  bow ;  it  is  not  necessary  to  speak. 

In  your  own  pew,  extend  this  courtesy  to  a  stranger 
who  may  come  in  beside  you,  and  even  if  it  is  a  gentleman 
you  may,  with  perfect  propriety,  hand  him  a  book,  or, 
if  there  is  but  one,  offer  him  a  share  of  your  own. 

Endeavor  always  to  be  in  your  seat  before  the  service 
commences,  and  after  it  is  over  do  not  hurry  away,  and, 
above  all,  do  not  begin  your  preparations  for  departure, 
by  shutting  up  your  book,  or  putting  on  any  article  of 
dress  you  have  removed,  before  the  benediction. 

If  you  are  invited  to  accompany  a  friend  to  church, 
be  sure  you  are  ready  in  good  season,  that  you  may  not 
keep  her  waiting  when  she  calls,  or  cause  her  to  lose 
any  part  of  the  service  by  detaining  her  at  your  house. 
If  you  invite  a  friend  to  take  a  seat  in  your  pew,  call  for 
her  early,  give  her  the  most  comfortab'e  place,  and  bo 
sure  she  has  a  prayer  and  hymn-book. 

If  you  are  invited  to  stand  as  god-mcther  to  a  friend*s 
child,  be  at  the  house  of  the  parents  in  season  to  accom- 
pany the  family  to  church,  and  send,  the  day  before,  the 
gift  you  design  for  the  babe,     A  silver  cup  is  the  usual 


156  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

present,  witli  your  little  namesake's  initials,  or  full  name, 
engraved  upon  it. 

In  assisting  at  a  wedding  at  church,  if  you  are  one  of 
the  bridesmaids,  wear  white,  a  white  bonnet  but  no  veil 
If  you  occupy  the  first  place,  the  bride's,  it  is  in  better 
taste  to  be  married  in  a  simple  dress  and  bonnet, 
and  don  your  full  dress  when  you  return  home  to  re- 
ceive your  friends.  In  such  ceremonies  the  wedding- 
party  all  meet  in  the  vestry,  and  go  to  the  altar  to- 
gether.* 

At  a  funeral,  enter  the  church  quietly,  and,  unless 
you  belong  to  the  mourners,  wait  until  they  leave  the 
church  before  you  rise  from  your  seat.  Never  attempt 
to  speak  to  any  of  the  afflicted  family.  However  heart- 
felt your  sympathy,  it  will  not  be  welcome  at  that  time. 

If,  when  entering  a  crowded  church,  a  gentleman  sees 
you  and  offers  his  seat,  acknowledge  his  civility,  whether 
accepted  or  declined,  by  a  bow,  and  a  whispered  "  thank 
you,"  Many,  who  claim  the  name  of  lady,  and  think 
they  are  well-bred,  will  accept  such  an  act  of  politeness 
without  making  the  slightest  acknowledgement.  If  the 
service  has  commenced,  do  not  speak ;  a  courteous  in- 
clination of  the  head  will  convey  your  sense  of  obliga- 
tion. 

Remember,  as  an  imperative,  general  rule,  in  what- 
ever church  you  may  be,  whether  at  home  or  abroad, 
conform  to  the  mode 'of  worship  whilst  you  are  in  that 
church.  If  you  find,  in  these  modes,  forms  which  are 
disagreeable  to  you,  or  which  shock  your  own  ideas  ot 

*  For  further  particulars,  see  chapter  on  Bridal  Etiquette, 


CONDUCT   IN   CHURCH.  167 

religion,  avoid  a  second  visit,  but  do  not  insult  the  con- 
gregation, by  showing  your  contempt  or  disapproval, 
whilst  you  are  among  them.  Silence,  quiet  attention, 
and  a  grave,  reverential  demeanor,  mark  the  Christian 
lady  in  church. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

BALL  ROOM   ETIQUETTE. 
FOR     THE     HOSTESS. 

When  you  have  decided  upon  what  evening  you  will 
give  your  ball,  send  out  your  invitations,  a  fortnight  be- 
fore the  evening  appointed.     To  ladies,  word  them : — 

Mrs.  L requests  the  pleasure  of  Miss  G *s 

company  on  Wednesday  evening,  Jan.  17th,  at  9  o'clock. 
Dancing. 
The  favor  of  an  early  answer  is  requested. 

To  gentlemen : — 

Mrs.  L 's  compliments  to  Mr.  R for  Wednes- 
day evening,  Jan.  17th,  at  9  o'clock. 

Dancing. 

The  favor  of  an  early  answer  is  requested. 

If  you  are  unmarried,  put  your  mother's  name  with 
your  own  upon   the  cards.     If   you  have  a  father  or 
grown-up  brother,  let  the  invitations  to  the  gentlemen  go 
in  his  name. 
158 


BALL    ROOM    ETIQUETTE.  158 

In  making  your  list  for  a  ball,  do  not  set  dcfwn  all  of 
your  '^  dear  five  hundred  friends."  The  middle-aged, 
(unless  they  come  as  chaperons,)  the  serious,  and  the 
Bober-minded,  will  not  accept  your  invitation,  and  the 
two  last  named  may  consider  it  insulting  to  be  invited  to 
80  frivolous  an  amusement.  By  the  way,  I  do  not  agree 
with  the  straight-laced  people,  who  condemn  all  such 
amusements.  I  agree  with  Madame  Pilau.  When  the 
cur^  of  her  parish  told  her  he  was  writing  a  series  of 
sermons  against  dancing,  she  said  to  him : 

"You   are  talking   of   what  you  do  not  understand 
You  have  never  been  to  a  ball,  I  have ;  and  I  assure 
you  there  is  no  sin  in  the  matter  worthy  of  mention  or 
notice." 

If  you  really  wish  for  dancing,  you  will  accommodate 
your  guests  to  your  rooms,  inviting  one  third  more  than 
they  will  hold,  as  about  that  number  generally  disappoint 
a  ball-giver.  If  you  wish  to  have  a  rush  of  people,  and 
do  not  mind  heat,  crowding,  and  discomfort,  to  insure 
an  immense  assembly,  (a  ball  to  be  talked  about  for  its 
size  only,)  then  you  may  invite  every  body  who  figures 
upon  your  visiting  list. 

Over  one  hundred  is  a  "large  ball,"  under  that  a 
"ball,"  unless  there  are  less  than  fifty  guests,  when  it  is 
merely  a  "  dance." 

The  directions  given  in  chapter  5th  for  the  arrange- 
ment of  the  dressing-rooms  will  apply  here,  but  your 
parlor,  or  ball  room,  requires  some  attention.  Have  the 
carpets  taken  up  two  days  before  the  evening  of  the  ball, 
and  the  floor  waxed.  A  smooth,  polished  floor  is  an  ab- 
solute necessity  for  pleasant  dancing.     At  one  end  of 


160  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

your  ball  room,  have  a  space  partitioned  off  fcr  the  mu« 
sicians.  Leave,  for  their  use,  plenty  of  room,  as  silence 
or  discord  will  come  from  a  crowded  orchestra.  If  your 
house  is  double,  and  you  use  the  rooms  on  each  side, 
place  the  musicians  in  the  hall. 

Four  pieces  of  music  is  enough  for  a  private  ball,  un- 
less your  rooms  are  very  large.  For  one  room  a  piano, 
violin,  and  violincello  makes  a  good  band. 

You  must  have  your  rooms  well  ventilated  if  you  wish 
to  avoid  fainting  and  discomfort. 

To  secure  a  really  brilliant  ball,  pay  considerable  at- 
tention to  the  arrangement  of  your  ball  room.  In  Paris 
this  arrangement  consists  in  turning  the  room,  for  the 
evening,  into  a  perfect  garden.  Every  corner  is  filled 
with  flowers.  Wreaths,  bouquets,  baskets,  and  flowering- 
plants  in  moss-covered  pots.  With  brilliant  light,  and 
taste  in  the  details  of  arranging  them,  this  profusion  of 
flowers  produces  an  exquisitely  beautiful  effect,  and  har- 
monizes perfectly  with  the  light  dresses,  cheerful  faces, 
and  gay  music.  The  pleasure  of  your  guests,  as  well  as 
the  beauty  of  the  rooms,  will  be  increased  by  the  ele- 
gance of  your  arrangements;  their  beauty  will  be 
heightened  by  brilliant  light,  and  by  judicious  manage- 
ment a  scene  of  fairy-like  illusion  may  be  produced. 

Not  only  in  the  ball  room  itself,  but  in  the  hall,  supper- 
room,  and  dressing-rooms,  place  flowers.  A  fine  effect 
is  produced,  by  placing  a  screen,  covered  with  green  and 
flowers,  before  the  space  set  apart  for  the  musicians 
To  hear  the  music  proceeding  from  behind  this  floral  em- 
bankment, and  yet  have  the  scraping  and  puffing  men 
invisible,  adds  very  much  to  the  illusion  of  the  scene. 


BALL   ROOM    ETIQUETTE.  161 

In  the  dressing-rooms  have,  at  least,  two  servants  for 
each.  Let  them  take  the  cloaks  and  hoods,  and  put  a 
numbered  ticket  upon  each  bundle,  handing  the  duplicate 
number  to  the  lady  or  gentleman  owning  it. 

It  is  best  to  have  the  supper-room  upon  the  same  floor 
as  the  ball  room.  The  light  dresses,  worn  upon  such  oc- 
casions, suffer  severely  in  passing  up  and  down  a  crowded 
staircase. 

Have  a  number  of  double  cards  written  or  printed 
with  a  list  of  the  dances,  arranged  in  order,  upon  one 
side,  and  a  space  for  engagements  upon  the  other.  At- 
tach a  small  pencil  to  each.  Let  a  waiter  stand  at  the 
entrance  to  the  ball  room,  and  hand  a  card  to  each  guest 
as  they  pass  in. 

The  first  strain  of  music  must  be  a  march ;  then  fol- 
lows a  quadrille,  then  a  waltz.  Other  dances  follow  in 
any  order  you  prefer  until  the  fourteenth,  which  should 
be  the  march  which  announces  supper.  If  you  throw 
open  the  supper-room,  early,  and  the  guests  go  out  when 
they  wish,  the  march  may  be  omitted.  Twenty-one  to 
twenty-four  dances  are  suflBcient.  Have  an  interval  of 
ten  ihinutes  after  each  one. 

The  supper-room  should  be  thrown  open  at  midnight, 
and  remain  open  until  your  last  guest  has  departed. 
Let  it  be  brilliantly  lighted,  and  have  plenty  of  waiters 
in  attendance. 

There  can  be  no  rule  laid  down  for  the  supper.  It 
may  be  hot  or  heavily  iced.  It  may  consist  entirely  ol 
confectionary,  or  it  may  include  the  bill  of  fare  for  a 
hotel  table.  One  rule  you  must  observe;  have  abun- 
dance of  everything.  Other  entertainments  may  be 
11 


l62  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

given  upon  economical  principles,  but  a  ball  cannot. 
Light,  attendance,  supper,  every  detail  must  be  carefully 
attended  to,  and  a  ball  must  be  an  expensive  luxury. 

At  a  ball-supper  every  one  stands  up.  The  waiters 
will  hand  refreshment  from  the  tables  to  the  gentlemen, 
who,  in  turn,  wait  upon  the  ladies. 

You  must  bring  forth  your  whole  array  of  smiles, 
when  you  perform  the  part  of  hostess  in  a  ball  room. 
As  your  guests  will  come  dropping  in  at  all  hours,  you 
must  hover  near  the  door  to  greet  each  one  entering. 
There  will  be  many  strangers  amongst  the  gentlemen. 
Miss  G.  will  bring  her  fiancee.  Miss  L.,  her  brother, 
just  returned,  after  ten  years'  absence,  from  India. 
Miss  R.  introduces  her  cousin,  in  the  city  for  a  week. 
Miss  M.,  as  a  belle,  will,  perhaps,  take  the  liberty  of 
telling  some  ten  or  twelve  of  her  most  devoted  admirers 
where  she  may  be  seen  on  the  evening  of  your  ball,  and, 
though  strangers,  they  will,  one  after  another,  bow  over 
your  hand.  To  each  and  every  one  you  must  extend 
the  amiable  greeting  due  to  an  invited  guest.  If  you 
are  the  only  lady  of  the  house,  your  duties  'will,  indeed, 
be  laborious.  You  must  be  everywhere  at  the  same  mo- 
ment. Not  a  guest  must  pass  unwelcomed.  You  must 
introduce  partners  to  all  the  wall-flowers.  You  must  see 
that  every  set  is  made  up  before  the  music  commences. 
Each  guest  must  be  introduced  to  a  proper  partner  for 
every  dance,  and  not  one  frown,  one  pettish  word,  one 
look  of  fatigue,  one  sigh  of  utter  weariness  must  disturb 
your  smiling  serenity.  You  must  be  ready  to  chat  cheer- 
fully with  every  bore  who  detains  you,  when  crossing  the 
room,  tc  make  up  a  set  of  quadrilles  in  a  minute's  time ; 


BALL   ROOM    ETIQUETTE.  16^ 

listen  patiently  to  the  sighing  lover,  whose  fair  one  ia 
engaged  fifty  times  during  twenty  dances ;  secure  a  good 
dancer  for  each  longing  belle ;  do  the  same  for  the  beaux ; 
yet  you  must  never  be  hurried,  worried,  or  fatigued. 

If  there  are  several  ladies,  a  mother  and  two  or  three 
daughters,  for  instance,  divide  the  duties.  Let  one  re- 
ceive the  guests,  another  arrange  the  sets,  a  third  intro- 
duce couples,  and  a  fourth  pair  ofif  the  talkers.  A 
brother  or  father  will  be  a  treasure  in  a  ball  room,  as 
the  standing  of  sets  can  be  better  managed  by  a  gentle- 
man than  a  lady. 

None  of  the  ladies  who  give  the  ball  should  dance 
until  every  fair  guest  has  a  partner. 

One  of  your  duties  will  be  'to  see  that  no  young  ladies 
lose  their  supper  for  want  of  an  escort  to  ask  them  to  go 
out.  You  may  give  the  hint  to  an  intimate  gentleman 
friend,  if  there  is  no  brother  or  father  to  take  the  duty, 
introduce  him  to  the  disconsolate  damsel,  and  send  her 
off  happy.  If  all  the  guests  go  to  the  supper-room 
when  it  is  first  thrown  open,  you  must  be  the  last  to  leave 
the  ball  room.  For  the  hostess  to  take  the  lead  to  the 
Bupper-room,  leaving  her  guests  to  pair  off,  and  follow 
as  they  please,  is  in  very  bad  taste. 

If  you  announce  supper  by  a  march,  many  of  your 
guests  will  remain  in  the  ball  room,  to  promenade,  avoid 
the  crowd  at  the  first  table,  and  indulge  in  a  tete-^-t^to 
conversation.  These  will  afterwards  go  out,  in  pairs^ 
wlion  the  first  crush  in  the  refreshment-room  is  over. 

If,  by  accident  or  negligence,  you  miss  an  introduction 
to  any  of  your  gentlemen  guests,  you  may  still  speak  to 


164  ladies'  book  or  etiquetie. 

them  if  you  wish.  It  is  your  privilege  as  hostess  tc  in* 
troduce  yourself,  and  invite  any  gentleman  to  dance  "with 
you,  or  offer  to  introduce  him  to  a  partner.  In  the  latter 
case  he  ought  to  mention  his  name,  but  if  he  omits  to 
do  so,  you  may  ask  it. 

,  There  has  been  a  custom  introduced  in  some  of  our 
large  cities  lately,  which  is  an  admirable  one  for  a  pri- 
vate ball.  It  is  to  hire,  for  the  evening,  a  public  hall. 
This  includes  the  dressing-room,  supper-room,  every 
comfort,  and  saves  you  from  the  thousand  annoyances 
which  are  certain  to  follow  a  ball  in  a  private  house. 
You  hire  the  hall  and  other  rooms,  the  price  including 
light,  hire  a  band  of  music,  and  order  a  supper  at  a  con- 
fectioners, hiring  from  his  establishment  all  the  china, 
glass,  and  silver  you  will  want.  In  this  case  you  must 
enclose  in  every  invitation  a  ticket  to  admit  your  friend's 
party,  to  prevent  loungers  from  the  street  coming  in,  un- 
invited. 

You  will,  perhaps,  find  the  actual  outlay  of  money 
greater,  when  you  thus  hire  your  ball  room,  but  you  will 
save  more  than  the  difference  in  labor,  annoyance,  and 
the  injury  to  your  house.  You  secure  a  better  room 
than  any  parlor,  you  have  the  floor  waxed  and  polished 
without  the  trouble  of  taking  up  your  carpets.  You 
save  all  the  dreadful  labor  of  cleaning  up  the  house  the 
next  day,  as  well  as  that  of  preparation. 

You  can,  if  you  wish,  invite  a  few  friends  to  a  late 
dinner  with  you,  and  all  proceed  to  the  ball  room  to- 
gether. You  must  be  the  first  to  enter  the  room,  the 
last  to  leave  it,  and  every  duty  is  the  same  as  if  yow 


BALL   ROOM    ETIQUETTE.  165 

were  at  home,  the  ball  room  is,  in  fact,  your  own  house, 
for  the  evening. 

If  you  wish  your  guests  to  come  in  costume  for  a 
fancy  ball,  name  the  character  of  the  entertainment  in 
your  invitation* 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

% 

BALL   ROOM   ETIQUETTE. 


FOR     THE    GUEST 


As  IN  every  other  case  where  hospitality  is  extended 
to  you  by  invitation,  you  must  send  your  answer  as  soon 
as  possible,  accepting  or  declining  the  civility, 

In  preparing  a  costume  for  a  ball,  choose  something 
very  light.  Heavy,  dark  silks  are  out  of  place  in  a  ball 
room,  and  black  should  be  worn  in  no  material  but  lace. 
For  a  married  lady,  rich  silk  of  some  light  color,  trimmed 
with  flowers,  lace,  or  tulle  ;  white  silk  plain,  or  lace  over 
satin,  make  an  exquisite  toilette.  Jewels  are  perfectly 
appropriate  ;  also  feathers  in  the  coiffure. 

For  the  young  lady,  pure  white  or  light  colors  should 
be  worn,  and  the  most  appropriate  dress  is  of  some  thin 
material  made  over  silk,  white,  or  the  same  color  as  the 
outer  dress.  Satin  or  velvet  are  entirely  out  of  place  on 
a  young  lady.  Let  the  coiffure  be  of  flowers  or  ribbons, 
never  feathers,  and  but  very  little  jewelry  is  becoming  to 
an  unmarried  lady.  All  ladies  must  wear  boots  or  slip- 
pers of  satin,  white,  black,  or  the   color  of  the  dress. 

Whi  te  are  the  most  appropriate    black,  the  most  becoming 
166 


BALL   ROOM    ETIQUETTE.  167 

to  the  foot.  White  kid  gloves,  full  trimmed,  a  fine  lace 
trimmed  handkerchief,  and  a  fan,  are  indispensable.  Bo 
very  careful,  when  dressing  for  a  ball,  that  the  hair  ia 
firmly  fastened,  and  the  coiffure  properly  adjusted. 
Nothing  is  more  annoying  than  to  have  the  hair  loosen 
or  the  head-dress  fall  ofi"  in  a  crowded  ball  room. 

Your  first  duty,  upon  entering  the  room,  is  to  speak 
to  your  hostess.  After  a  few  words  of  greeting,  turn  to 
the  other  guests. 

At  a  private  ball,  no  lady  will  refuse  an  introduction 
to  a  gentleman.  It  is  an  insult  to  her  hostess,  implying 
that  her  guests  are  not  gentlemen.  It  is  optional  with 
the  lady  whether  to  continue  or  drop  the  acquaintance 
after  the  ball  is  over,  but  for  that  evening,  however  dis- 
agreeable, etiquette  requires  her  to  accept  him  for  one 
dance,  if  she  is  disengaged,  and  her  hostess  requests  it. 
At  a  public  ball,  it  is  safest  to  decline  all  introductions 
made  by  the  master  of  ceremonies,  though,  as  before, 
such  acquaintances  are  not  binding  after  the  evening  ia 
over. 

Be  very  careful  how  you  refuse  to  dance  with  a  gen- 
tleman. A  prior  engagement  will,  of  course,  excuse 
you,  but  if  you  plead  fatigue,  or  really  feel  it,  do  not 
dance  the  set  with  another  gentleman  ;  it  is  most  insult- 
ing, though  sometimes  done.  On  the  other  hand,  be 
careful  that  you  do  not  engage  yourself  twice  for  the 
same  quadrille.  In  a  polka  or  valse,  you  may  do  this, 
saying,  "I  will  dance  the  second  half  with  you,  but  have 
a  prior  engagement  for  the  first."  Then,  after  a  few 
rounds  with  your  first  partner,  say  to  him  that  you  ar« 


k 


168  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

engaged  for  the  remainder  of  the  dance,  resume  yout 
seat,  and  your  second  partner  will  seek  you. 

Let  your  manner  in  a  ball  room  be  quiet.  It  looks 
very  badly  to  see  a  lady  endeavoring  to  attract  attention 
by  her  boisterous  manner,  loud  talking,  or  over-active 
dancing.  Do  not  drag  through  dances  as  if  you  found 
them  wearisome ;  it  is  an  insult  to  your  partner,  but 
while  you  are  cheerful  and  animated,  be  lady-like  and 
dignified  in  your  deportment. 

At  the  end  of  each  dance,  your  partner  will  offer  his 
arm,  and  conduct  you  to  a  seat ;  then  bow,  and  release 
him  from  farther  attendance,  as  he  may  be  engaged  for 
the  next  dance. 

When  invited  to  dance,  hand  your  ball  card  to  the 
gentleritan,  who  will  put  his  name  in  one  of  the  vacant 
places. 

If  you  wish  to  go  to  the  supper-room,  accept  the  invi- 
tation that  will  be  made,  after  the  dances  whilst  it  ia 
open,  but  do  not  remain  there  long.  You  may  be  keep- 
ing your  escort  from  other  engagements. 

If  you  are  accompanied  by  a  gentleman,  besides  your 
father  or  brother,  remember  he  has  the  right  to  the  first 
dance,  and  also  will  expect  to  take  you  in  to  supper. 
Do  not  let  any  one  else  interfere  with  his  privilege. 

If  you  wish,  during  the  evening,  to  go  to  the  dressing- 
room  to  arrange  any  part  of  your  dress,  request  the  gen- 
tleman with  whom  you  are  dancing  to  escort  you  there. 
He  will  wait  for  you  at  the  door,  and  take  you  back  to 
the  ball-room.  Do  not  detain  him  any  longer  than  is 
necessary  Never  leave  the  ball  room,  for  any  such  pur 
pose,  alone,  aa  there   are  always  gentlemen  near  and 


BALL   110 OM    ETIQUETTE.  169 

round  the  door,  and  it  looks  very  badly  to  see  a  lady, 
unattended,  going  through  a  crowd  of  gentlemen. 

It  is  best  at  a  ball,  to  dance  only  every  other  dance, 
as  over-fatigue,  and  probably  a  flushed  face,  will  follow 
too  much  dancing.  Decline  the  intermediate  ones,  on 
the  plea  of  fatigue,  or  fear  of  fatigue. 

Never  go  into  the  supper-room  with  the  same  gentle 
man  twice      You  may  go  more  than  once,  if  you  wish 
for  an  ice  or  glass  of  water,  (surely  no  lady  wants  two 
or  three  suppers,)  but  do  not  tax  the  same  gentleman 
more  than  once,  even  if  he  invites  you  after  each  dance. 

No  lady  of  taste  will  carry  on  a  flirtation  in  a  ball 
room,  so  as  to  attract  remark.  Be  careful,  unless  you 
wish  your  name  coupled  with  his,  how  you  dance  too 
often  with  the  same  gentleman. 

If  you  are  so  unfortunate  as,  forgetting  a  prior  en 
gagement,  to  engage  yourself  to  two  gentlemen  for  the 
same  dance,  decline   dancing  it  altogether,  or  you  will 
surely  offend  one  of  them. 

Never  press  'forward  to  take  the  lead  in  a  quadrille, 
and  if  others,  not  understanding  the  figures,  make  con- 
fusion, try  to  get  through  without  remark.  It  is  useless 
to  attempt  to  teach  them,  as  the  music,  and  other  sets, 
will  finish  the  figure  long  before  you  can  teach  and  dance 
it.  Keep  your  temper,  refrain  from  all  remark,  and  en- 
deavor to  make  your  partner  forget,  in  your  cheerful 
conversation,  the  annoyances  of  the  dance. 

There  is  much  that  is  exhilarating  in  the  atmosphere 
of  a  ball  room.  The  light,  music,  company,  and  even 
dancing  itself,  are  all  conducive  to  high  spirits ;  be  care* 


170  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

ful  that  this  flow  of  spirits  does  not  lead  you  into  hoy 
denism  and  rudeness.  Guard  your  actions  and  your 
tongue,  that  you  may  leave  the  room  as  quietly  and 
gracefully  as  you  enter  it. 

Avoid  confidential  conversation  in  a  ball  room.  It  is 
out  of  season,  and  in  excessively  bad  taste. 

Ee  modest  and  reserved,  but  avoid  bashfulness.  It 
looks  like  a  school-girl,  and  is  invariably  awkward. 

Never  allow  your  partner,  though  he  may  be  your 
most  intimate  friend,  to  converse  in  a  low  tone,  or  in  any 
way  assume  a  confidential  or  lover-like  air  at  a  ball.  It 
is  in  excessively  bad  taste,  and  gives  annoyance  fre- 
quently, as  others  suppose  such  low-toned  remarks  may 
refer  to  them. 

Dance  as  others  do.  It  has  a  very  absurd  look  to 
take  every  step  with  dancing-school  accuracy,  and  your 
partner  will  be  the  first  one  to  notice  it.  A  quadrille 
takes  no  more  steps  than  a  graceful  walk. 

N^ver  stand  up  to  dance  in  a  quadrille,  unless  you  are 
perfectly  familiar  with  the  figures,  depending  upon  your 
partner  to  lead  you  through.  You  will  probably  cause 
utter  confusion  in  the  set,  annoy  the  others  forming  it, 
and  make  yourself  appear  absurd. 

No  young  lady  should  go  to  a  ball,  without  the  pro 
tcction  of  a  married  lady,  or  an  elderly  gentleman. 

Never  cross  a  ball  room  alone. 

Never  remain  in  a  ball  room  until  all  the  company 
have  left  it,  or  even  until  the  last  set.  It  is  ill-bred,  and 
looks  as  if  you  were  unaccustomed  to  such  pleasures,  and 
80  desirous  to  prolong  each  one.     Leave  while  theie  are 


BALL   ROOM    ETIQUETTE.  171 

still  cwo  or  three  sets  to  be  danced.  Do  not  accept  any 
invitation  for  these  late  dances,  as  the  gentleiuan  who 
invites  you  may  find  out  your  absence  too  late  to  take 
another  partner,  and  you  will  thus  deprive  him  of  the 
pleasure  of  dancing. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

PLACES     OF    AMUSEMENT 

Do  NOT  accept  an  invitation  to  visit  any  place  cf  public 
oniusement,  with  a  gentleman  with  whom  you  are  but 
slightly  acquainted,  unless  there  is  another  lady  also  in- 
vited. You  may,  as  a  young  lady,  go  with  a  relative  or 
your  fiancde,  without  a  chaperon,  but  not  otherwise. 

Having  received  an  invitation  which  it  is  proper  for 
you  to  accept,  write  an  answer  immediately,  appointing 
an  hour  for  your  escort  to  call  for  you,  and  be  sure  that 
you  are  ready  in  good  season.  To  arrive  late  is  not  only 
annoying  to  those  near  your  seat,  whom  you  disturb 
when  you  enter,  but  it  is  ill-bred ;  you  will  be  supposed 
to  be  5ome  one  who  is  unable  to  come  early,  instead  of 
appearing  as  a  lady  who  is  mistress  of  her  own  time. 

If  the  evening  is  cloudy,  or  it  rains,  your  escort  will 
probably  bring  a  carriage ;  and  let  me  say  a  few  words 
here  about  entering  and  leaving  a  carriage. 

IIow  to  get  in  is  difficmt,  but  of  less  importance  than 

getting  out ;  because  if  you  stumble  in,  no  one  sees  you, 

but  some  one  who  may  happen  to  be  in  the  carriage ; 

but  how  to  get  out  is  so  important,  that  I  will  illustrate 

it  by  a  short  diplomatic  anecdote : 

172 


PLACES    OF   AMUSEMENT.  1  TS 

"  The  Princess  of  Hesse-Darmstadt,"  says  M.  Mercy 
d*Argonteau,  an  ambassador  of  the  last  century,  "  having 
Deen  desired  by  the  Empress  of  Austria  to  bring  her 
three  daughters  to  court,  in  order  that  her  Imperial 
Majesty  might  choose  one  of  them  for  a  wife  to  one  of 
her  sons,  drove  up  in  her  coach  to  the  palace  gate. 
Scarcely  had  they  entered  the  presence,  when,  before 
even  speaking  to  them,  the  empress  went  up  to  the  second 
daughter,  and,  taking  her  by  the  hand,  said,  *  I  choose 
this  young  lady.'  The  mother,  astonished  at  the  sud- 
lenness  of  her  choice,  inquired  what  had  actuated  it. 
'  I  watched  the  young  ladies  get  out  of  their  carriage,* 
said  the  empress.  *  Your  eldest  daughter  stepped  on  her 
dress,  and  only  saved  herself  from  falling  by  an  awkward 
scramble ;  the  youngest  jumped  from  the  coach  to  the 
ground,  without  touching  the  steps;  the  second,  just 
lifting  her  dress  in  front,  so  as  she  descended  to  show 
the  point  of  her  shoe,  calmly  stepped  from  the  carriage 
to  the  ground,  neither  hurriedly  nor  stiffly,  but  with 
grace  and  dignity :  ,she  is  fit  to  be  an  empress ;  her  eldest 
sister  is  too  awkward,  her  youngest  too  wild.'  " 

The  Theatre. — Here  you  must  wear  your  bonnet, 
though  you  may  throw  aside  your  cloak  or  shawl,  if  you 
desire  it.  Your  escort  will  pass  to  your  seats  first,  and 
then  turn  and  ofi'er  his  hand  to  lead  you  to  your  own. 
Once  seated,  give  your  attention  entirely  to  the  actors 
whilst  the  curtain  is  up — to  your  companion  when  it  ia 
down. 

Do  not  look  round  the  house  with  your  glass.  A 
lady's  deportment  should  be  very  modest  in  a  theatrG 
Avoid  carefully  every  motion  or  gesture  that  will  attract 


174  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

attention.  To  flirt  a  fan,  converse  in  whispers,  indulge 
in  extravagant  gestures  of  merriment  or  admiration, 
laugh  loudl}'-  or  clap  your  hands  together,  are  all  exces- 
sively vulgar  and  unladj-like.  Never  turn  your  head  to 
look  at  those  seated  behind  you,  or  near  you. 

If  you  speal^  to  your  companion  while  the  curtain  is 
up,  lower  your  voice,  that  you  may  not  disturb  others 
interested  in  the  conversation  on  the  stage. 

The  Opera. — Here  you  should  wear  full  dress,  an 
opera  cloak,  and  either  a  head-dress,  or  dressy  bonnet 
of  some  thin  material.  Your  gloves  must  be  of  kid 
white,  or  some  very  light  tint  to  suit  your  dress.  Many 
dresF  for  the  opera,  as  they  would  for  the  theatre ;  but 
the  beauty  of  the  house  is  much  enhanced  by  each  lady 
contributing  her  full  dress  toilette  to  the  general  effect 

If  you  go  to  the  dressing-room,  leave  your  hood  and 
phawl  in  the  care  of  the  woman  in  waiting,  whom  you 
must  fee  when  she  returns  them  to  you. 

If  you  do  not  wish  to  go  to  the  dressing-room,  allow 
your  escort  to  take  off  your  shawl  or, cloak,  and  throw  it 
over  the  back  of  the  seat.  As  your  opera  cloak  must  be 
light  enough  to  keep  on  all  the  evening,  though  you  may 
throw  it  open,  you  must  wear  over  it  a  heavier  cloak  or 
a  shawl.  Throw  this  off  in  the  lobby,  just  before  you 
enter  your  box.  Your  gloves  you  must  keep  on  all  the 
evening. 

Avoid  handling  the  play  bills,  as  the  printing  ink  will 
soil  your  gloves  in  a  few  minutes,  making  your  handa 
appear  very  badly  for  the  rest  of  the  evening. 

You  should  be  in  your  seat  at  the  opera  before  th* 
overture  commences. 


PLACES   OF   AMUSEMENT.  175 

Never  converse  during  the  performance.  Even  the 
lowest  toned  remark  will  disturb  a  real  lover  of  music, 
and  these  will  be  near  you  on  all  sides.  Exclamations 
of  admiration,  "Exquisite!"  "Beautiful!"  or  "Lovely!" 
are  in  the  worst  taste.  Show  your  appreciation  by  quiet 
attention  to  every  note,  and  avoid  every  exclamation  or 
gesture. 

In  our  new  opera  houses  there  are  rooms  for  prom- 
enade, and  between  the  acts  your  escort  may  invite  you 
to  walk  there.  You  may  accept  the  invitation  with  per- 
fect propriety.  He  will  leave  the  box  first  and  then 
offer  his  hand  to  you.  In  the  lobby  take  his  arm,  and 
keep  it  until  you  return  to  the  box.  If  you  have  taken 
your  cloak  or  shawl  to  your  seat,  leave  them  there  during 
your  promenade.  Return  to  your  seat  when  the  gong 
sounds  the  recall,  that  you  may  not  disturb  others  after 
the  next  act  commences. 

In  walking  up  and  down  in  the  promenading  saloon, 
you  may  pass  and  repass  friends.  Bow  the  first  time 
you  meet  them,  but  not  again. 

If  you  meet  your  gentlemen  friends  there,  bow,  but 
do  not  stop  to  speak.  They  may  join  you  for  once 
round  the  room,  then  allow  them  to  leave  you.  Your 
escort  will  feel  justly  ofi*ended  if  you  allow  any  other 
gentlemen  to  engross  your  attention  entirely  when  he 
has  invited  you  to  the  entertainment. 

Concerts — Here,  as  at  the  opera,  you  may  wear  a 
bonnet  or  not,  as  you  will.  Go  early  to  the  hall,  unless 
you  have  secured  a  seat,  and  then,  be  in  time  for  tho 
first  song.  If  you  are  unavoidably  late,  enter  quietly, 
and  take  a  seat  near  the  door.     It  is  very  rude  to  pusli 


176  ladies'  book  of  efiquettb. 

forward  to  the  front  of  the  hall,  and  either  crowd  thos4 
upon  the  tenches,  or  force  some  gentleman  to  offer  you 
his  place.  If  the  hall  is  so  crowded  that  even  the  back 
seats  are  full,  and  a  gentleman  offers  you  his  place,  you 
should  thank  him  before  accepting  it. 

Again,  I  repeat,  do  not  converse,  or  disturb  those 
around  you  by  exclamations  or  gesticulations. 

Lectures — Two  ladies  may  attend  a  lecture,  unac- 
companied by  a  gentleman,  without  attracting  attention. 

The  dress,  bonnet,  and  cloak,  worn  in  the  street, 
should  be  worn  in  a  lecture-room,  as  these  are,  by  no 
means,  occasions  for  full  dress. 

If  you  return  at  an  early  hour  from  any  place  of 
amusement,  invite  your  escort  into  the  house  upon  your 
arrival  there,  and  lay  aside  your  bonnet  and  shawl.  If 
you  keep  them  on,  he  will  conclude  that  you  expect  him 
to  shorten  his  visit.  If  it  is  late  when  you  reach  home, 
he  will  probably  decline  your  invitation  to  enter.  If, 
however,  he  accepts  it,  do  not  lay  aside  your  shawl,  and 
he  will  soon  leave  you. 

If  he  asks  permission  to  call  in  the  morning,  you  must, 
unless  prevented  by  an  imperative  engagement,  remain 
at  home  to  see  him. 

Upon  your  way  home  from  the  theatre,  concert,  or 
opera,  speak  warmly  of  the  pleasure  of  the  evening,  and, 
at  parting,  thank  him  for  that  pleasure.  Show  by  your 
manner  that  you  have  heartily  enjoyed  the  entertainment 
you  owe  to  his  civility.  If  you  are  weary,  do  not  allow 
him  to  see  it.  If  disappointed,  conceal  that  also.  Yoq 
will  be  able  to  find  some  good  points  in  the  performance 
speak  of  these  and  ignore  the  bad  ones. 


PLACES   OF   AMUSEMENT.  177 

If  at  the  theatre,  opera,  or  in  a  concert-room,  you  see 
an  acquaintance,  you  are  not  expected  to  recognize  her, 
unless  near  enough  to  speak.  A  lady  must  not  bow  tc 
any  one,  o^^cd  her  own  sister,  across  <v  theatre  or  concert' 
room. 

12 


CHAPTER    XXI. 

ACCOMPLISHMENTS. 

In  tlie  present  age,  when  education  is  within  the  reach 
of  all,  both  rich  and  poor,  every  lady  will  endeavor  to 
become,  not  only  well  educated,  but  accomplished.  It  is 
not,  as  some  will  assert,  a  waste  of  time  or  money.  Not 
only  the  fingers,  voice,  and  figure  are  improved,  but  the 
heart  and  intellect  will  become  refined,  and  the  happiness 
greatly  increased. 

Take  the  young  lady,  after  a  solid  basis  has  been  laid 
in  her  mind  of  the  more  important  branches  of  education, 
and  rear  upon  that  basis  the  structure  of  lighter  educa- 
tion— the  accomplishments.  To  cultivate  these,  disre- 
garding the  more  solid  information,  is  to  bnild  your  castle 
without  any  foundation,  and  make  it,  not  only  absurd, 
but  unsteady.  The  pleasure  of  hearing  from  a  lady  a 
cavatina  executed  in  the  most  finished  manner,  will  be 
entirely  destroyed,  if  her  first  spoken  words  after  the 
performance  are  vulgar,  or  her  sentence  ungrammatical. 

A  lady  without  her  piano,  or  her  pencil,  her  library 

of  French,  German,  or  Italian  authors,  her  fancy  work 

and  tasteful  embroideries,  is  now  rarely  met  with,  and  it 

**  right  that  such  arts  should  be  universal.     No  womai 
178 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  179 

Is  fitted  for  society  until  she  dances  well;  for  home, 
unless  she  is  perfect  mistress  of  needlework ;  for 
her  own  enjoyment,  unless  she  has  at  least  one  accom- 
plishment to  occupy  thoughts  and  fingers  in  her  hours  of 
leisure. 

First  upon  the  list  of  accomplishments,  comes  the  art 
'f  conversing  well.  It  is  always  ready.  Circumstances 
in  society  will  constantly  throw  you  into  positions  where 
you  can  use  no  other  accomplishment.  You  will  not 
have  a  musical  instrument  within  reach,  singing  would  be 
out  of  place,  your  fancy  work  at  home,  on  many  occa- 
sions, and  then  you  can  exert  your  most  fascinating  as 
well  as  useful  accomplishment,  the  art  of  conversing 
well. 

Little  culture,  unfortunately,  is  bestowed  upon  thia 
accomplishment,  which,  beyond  all  others,  promotes  the 
happiness  of  home,  enlivens  society,  and  improves  the 
minds  of  both  speaker  and  listener.  How  many  ex- 
cellent women  are  deficient  in  the  power  of  expressing 
t'lemselves  well,  or,  indeed,  of  expressing  themselves  at 
all !  How  many  minds  "  cream  and  mantle"  fi^om  the 
want  of  energy  to  pour  themselves  out  in  words  !  On 
the  other  hand,  how  some,  equally  well-intentioned, 
drown  the  very  senses  in  their  torrent  of  remarks,  which 
dashes,  like  a  water-fall,  into  a  sombre  pool  of  ennui 
below  ! 

One  lady  will  enter  society,  well-dressed,  well-looking, 
Dolite  ;  she  does  not  intend  to  chill  it  by  her  presence ; 
yet  her  absence  is  found  a  relief.  She  takes  her  place 
as  if  she  considered  it  sufficient  to  dress  and  look  well. 
She  brings  no  stock  to  the  community  of  ideas.     Her 


180  LALIES*    BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

ejes  return  no  response  to  the  discourse  which  is  going 
on.  When  you  have  once  glanced  at  her,  she  become? 
a  mere  expletive  in  the  company. 

Another  one  will  be  found  a  talker.  She  is  like  a  ca- 
nary bird ;  when  others  begin  to  speak,  she  hurries  in 
her  remarks,  in  an  accompaniment.  Her  voice  must  be 
uppermost;  conversation  becomes  a  contest  who  can 
speak  the  most  rapidly.  The  timid  and  modest  retire 
from  the  encounter — she  has  the  field  to  herself.  Sho 
goes  on,  without  mercy ;  the  voice  of  a  syren  would  fa- 
tigue, if  heard  continually.  Others  revolt  at  the  injustice 
of  the  monopoly,  and  the  words  fall  on  ears  that  would 
be  deaf  if  they  could. 

These  are  extreme  cases  ;  there  are  many  other  minor 
errors.  The  higher  qualities  of  conversation  must  un- 
doubtedly be  based  upon  the  higher  qualities  of  the 
mind  ;  then  it  is,  indeed,  a  privilege  to  commune  with 
others. 

To  acquire  the  power  of  thus  imparting  the  highest 
pleasure  by  conversational  powers,  attention  must  be  paid 
to  literature.  I  am  supposing  the  solid  foundation  of  a 
good  education  already  laid,  but  by  literature,  I  do  not 
mean  only  that  class  of  it  which  is  taught  at  school. 

Reading,  at  the  present  day,  is  too  much  confined  to 
light  literature.  I  would  not  speak  against  this.  The 
modern  novels,  and  the  poets  of  all  ages,  are  good  read- 
ing, but  let  them  be  taken  in  moderation,  and  varied  by 
something  more  solid.  Let  them  be  the  dessert  to  tho 
more  substantial  dinner  of  history,  travels,  and  works  of 
a  like  nature. 

Independent  of  the  strength  and  polish  given  to  the 


ACCOMPLISHMENT?.  181 

mind  by  a  thorough  course  of  reading,  there  is  anothei 
reason  vrhy  a  lady  should  devote  some  portion  of  her 
time  to  it ;  she  cannot  do  without  it.  She  may,  lacking 
this,  pass  through  life  respectably,  even  elegantly ;  but 
she  cannot  take  her  part  in  a  communing  with  superior 
minds  :  she  may  enjoy,  in  wondering,  the  radiance  of 
their  intelligence ;  but  the  wondering  must  be  composed, 
in  part,  of  amazement  at  her  own  folly,  in  not  having 
herself  sought  out  the  treasure  concealed  in  the  fathom- 
less depths  of  books.  She  cannot  truly  enjoy  society, 
with  this  art  neglected.  She  may,  for  a  few  brief  years, 
be  the  ornament  of  the  drawing-room ;  but  it  must  be, 
like  many  other  ornaments  there,  in  still  life;  she  can 
never  be  the  companion  of  the  intellectual ;  and  the  time 
is  gone  by,  when  women,  with  all  their  energies  excited, 
will  be  contented  to  be  the  mere  plaything  of  brother, 
husband,  or  father. 

Still  it  is  not  to  the  erudite,  nor  to  the  imaginative 
only,  that  it  is  given  to  please  in  conversation. 

The  art  of  imparting  our  ideas  easily  and  elegantly  to 
others,  may  be  improved  by  ourselves,  if  there  arc  op- 
portunities of  mingling  in  good  society,  with  little  study. 
The  mind  must  first  be  cultivated;  but  it  should  not 
abash  those  who  are  conscious  of  moderate  talents,  or 
imperfect  cultivation,  from  taking  a  due  part  in  conver- 
sation, on  account  of  their  inferiority.  It  is  a  very  dif- 
ferent thing  to  shine  and  to  please ;  to  shine  in  society 
is  more  frequently  attempted  than  compassed :  to  please 
is  in  the  power  of  all.  The  effort  to  shine,  when  fruit- 
less, brings  a  certain  disgrace,  and  engenders  mortifica» 
tion  ;  all  good  people  are  inclined  to  take  the  will  for  the 


182  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

deed,  when  they  see  a  desire  to  please.  A  gentle,  aefer 
ential,  kind  manner,  will  disarm  even  the  most  disci3rning 
from  criticising  too  severely  the  deficiencies  cf  the  inex- 
perienced: confidence,  disrespect  of  others,  volubility, 
eagerness  to  dispute,  must  irritate  the  self-love  of  others, 
and  produce  an  averseness  to  acknowledge  talent  or  in- 
formation, where  they  may  even  happen  to  exist. 

It  is  wiser  and  safer  for  a  young  lady,  in  general,  to 
observe  the  good,  old-fashioned  rule  of  being  addressed 
first ;  but  then  she  must  receive  the  address  readily, 
meeting  it  half  way,  repaying  it  by  enlarging  a  little 
upon  the  topic  thus  selected,  and  not  sinking  into  a  dull 
silence,  the  moment  after  a  reply  is  given.  Some  young 
ladies  start,  as  if  thunderstruck,  when  spoken  to,  and 
stare  as  if  the  person  who  pays  them  that  attention,  had 
no  right  to  awaken  them  from  their  reverie.  Others 
look  afi'ronted,  possibly  from  shyness,  and  begin  a  de- 
rogatory attack  upon  the  beauty  of  their  dress  by  twitch- 
ing the  front  breadth — or  move  from  side  to  side,  in  evi- 
dent distress  and  consternation.  Time  remedies  these 
defects  ;  but  there  is  one  less  curable  and  less  endurable 
— that  of  pertness  and  flippancy — the  loud  remarks  and 
exclamations — the  look  of  self-sufficiency  and  confidence. 
But  these  offensive  manifestations  spring  from  some  pro 
vious  and  deep-seated  defects  of  character,  and  are  on^^y 
to  be  repelled  by  what,  I  fear,  they  will  frequently  en- 
sounter — the  mortification  of  inspiring  disgust. 

Neither  is  the  lengthy,  prosy,  didactic  reply,  cons»9- 
tent  with  the  submission  and  simplicity  of  youth ;  e^o 
tism,  and  egotism  once  removed,  that  is,  the  bringinj^ 
into  the  tcr>ic  one's  own  family  and  relations,  are  a^o 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  183 

antidotes  to  the  true  spirit  of  conversation.  In  general, 
it  is  wiser,  more  in  good  taste,  safer,  more  becoming, 
certainly  more  in  accordance  with  good  breeding,*  to 
avoid  talking  of  persons.  There  are  many  snares  in 
such  topics ;  not  merely  the  danger  of  calumniating,  but 
that  of  engendering  a  slippery  conscience  in  matters  of 
fact.  A  young  girl,  shy  and  inexpert,  states  a  circum- 
stance ;  she  feels  her  deficiency  as  a  narrator,  for  the 
power  of  telling  a  story,  is  a  power  to  be  acquired  only 
by  practice.  She  is  sometimes  tempted  to  heighten  a 
little  the  incidents,  in  order  to  get  on  a  little  better,  and 
to  make  more  impression.  She  must  of  course  defend 
her  positions,  and  then  she  perils  the  sanctity  of  truth. 
Besides,  few  things  narrow  the  intellect  more  than 
dwelling  on  the  peculiarities,  natural  or  incidental,  of 
that  small  coterie  of  persons  who  constitute  our  world. 
It  is,  in  general,  a  wise  rule,  and  one  which  will  tend 
much  to  insure  your  comfort  through  life,  to  avoid  dis- 
closures to  others  of  family  affairs.  I  do  not  mean  to 
recommend  reserve,  or  art ;  to  friends  and  relations,  too 
great  frankness  can  hardly  be  practised ;  but,  with  ac- 
quaintance, the  less  our  own  circumstances  are  discussed, 
the  happier,  and  the  more  dignified  will  our  commerce 
with  them  continue.  On  the  same  principle,  let  the  con- 
cerns of  others  be  touched  upon  with  delicacy,  or,  if  pos- 
sible, passed  over  in  silence;  more  especially  those 
details  which  relate  to  strictly  personal  or  family  affairs. 
Public  deeds  are,  of  course,  public  property.  But  per- 
sonal aff'airs  are  private ;  and  there  is  a  want  of  true 
good  breeding,  a  want  of  consideration  and  deference,  in 


184  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

speaking  freely  of  them,  even  if  jour  friend  is  uncon 
scions  of  the  liberty  taken. 

It  seems  paradoxical  to  observe  that  the  art  of  listen 
ing  well  forms  a  part  of  the  duty  of  conversation.  To 
give  up  the  whole  of  your  attention  to  the  person  who 
addresses  himself  to  you,  is  sometimes  a  heavy  tax,  but 
it  is  one  which  we  must  pay  for  the  privileges  of  social 
life,  and  an  early  practice  will  render  it  an  almost  in- 
voluntary act  of  good  breeding ;  whilst  consideration  for 
others  will  give  this  little  sacrifice  a  merit  and  a  charm. 

To  listen  well  is  to  make  an  unconscious  advance  in 
the  power  of  conversing.  In  listening  we  perceive  in 
what  the  interest,  in  what  the  failure  of  others  consists ; 
we  become,  too,  aware  of  our  own  deficiencies,  without 
having  them  taught  through  the  medium  of  humiliation. 
VV^e  find  ourselves  often  more  ignorant  than  we  could 
have  supposed  possible.  We  learn,  by  a  very  moderate 
attention  to  the  sort  of  topics  which  please,  to  form  a 
style  of  our  own.  The  "  art  of  conversation"  is  an  un- 
pleasant phrase.  The  power  of  conversing  well  is  least 
agreeable  when  it  assumes  the  character  of  an  art. 

In  listening,  a  well-bred  lady  will  gently  sympathize 
with  the  speaker ;  or,  if  needs  must  be,  difiier,  as  gently. 
Much  character  is  shown  in  the  act  of  listening.  Some 
people  appear  to  be  in  a  violent  hurry  whilst  another 
speaks  ;  they  hasten  on  the  person  who  addresses  them, 
as  one  would  urge  on  a  horse — with  incessant  "Yes,  yes, 
fery  good — indeed — proceed  !"  Others  sit,  on  the  full 
Btare,  eyes  fixed  as  those  of  an  owl,  upon  the  speaker. 
Others  will  receive  every  observation  with  a  little  hys- 
terical giggle. 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  186 

But  all  these  vices  of  manner  may  be  avoided  by  a 
gentle  attention  and  a  certain  calm  dignity  of  manner, 
based  upon  a  reflective,  cultivated  mind. 

Observation,  reading,  and  study,  will  form  the  ground- 
iirork  for  good  powers  of  conversation,  and  the  more  you 
read,  study,  and  see,  the  more  varied  and  interesting 
will  be  your  topics. 

A  young  lady  should  consider  music  as  one  branch  of 
her  education,  inferior,  in  importance,  to  most  of  those 
studies  which  are  pointed  out  to  her,  but  attainable  in  a 
sufficient  degree  by  the  aid  of  time,  perseverance,  and  a 
moderate  degree  of  instruction.  Begun  early,  and  pur- 
sued steadily,  there  is  ample  leisure  in  youth  for  the  at- 
tainment of  a  science,  which  confers  more  cheerfulness, 
and  brings  more  pleasure  than  can  readily  be  con- 
ceived. 

A  young  lady  should  be  able  to  play  with  taste,  cor- 
rectness, and  readiness,  upon  the  general  principle  that 
a  well  educated  woman  should  do  all  things  well.  This, 
I  should  suppose,  is  in  the  power  of  most  persons  ;  and 
it  may  be  attained  without  loss  of  health,  of  time,  or 
any  sacrifice  of  an  important  nature.  She  should  con- 
sider it  as  an  advantage,  a  power  to  be  employed  for  the 
gratification  of  others,  and  to  be  indulged  with  modera- 
tion and  good  sense  for  her  own  resource,  as  a  change 
of  occupation. 

Consider  in  this  light,  music  is  what  Providence  in- 
tended it  to  be — a  social  blessing.  The  whole  creation 
is  replete  with  music, — a  benignant  Power  has  made  the 
language  of  the  feathered  tribe  harmony ;  let  us  not  sup 


186  *,Ai)IES'    BOOK    OP   ETIQUETTE. 

pose  that  He  condemns  his  other  creatures  to  silence  in 
*he  song. 

Music  has  an  influence  peculiar  to  itself.  It  can  allay 
the  irritation  of  the  mind ;  it  cements  families,  and 
makes  a  home,  which  might  sometimes  be  monotonous,  a 
scene  of  pleasant  excitement.  Pursued  as  a  recreation, 
it  is  g'intle,  rational,  lady-like.  Followed  as  a  sole  ol)- 
ject,  it  loses  its  charm,  because  we  perceive  it  is  then 
over-rated.  The  young  lady  who  comes  modestly  for- 
ward, when  called  upon  as  a  performer,  would  cease  to 
please,  were  she,  for  an  instant,  to  assume  the  air  and 
Confidence  of  a  professional  musician.  There  is  a  cer- 
tain style  and  manner — confined  now  to  second-rate  per- 
formers, for  the  highest  and  most  esteemed  dispense  with 
it — there  is  an  effort  and  a  dash,  which  disgust  in  the 
lady  who  has  bad  taste  enough  to  assume  them. 

And,  whilst  I  am  on  this  topic,  let  me  remark  that 
there  is  a  great  deal  in  the  choice  of  music,  in  the  selec- 
tion of  its  character,  its  suitability  to  your  feelings, 
style,  and  taste,  and  this  especially  with  respect  to  vocal 
music. 

There  is  no  doubt  that  a  good  Italian  style  is  the  best 
for  instruction,  and  that  it  produces  the  most  careful  and 
accomplished  singers.  Suppose  a  case.  Your  parents, 
most  fair  reader,  have  paid  a  high  price  to  some  excellent 
professor,  to  instruct  you — and,  with  a  fair  ear,  and  a 
sufficient  voice,  you  have  been  taught  some  of  those 
elaborate  songs  which  are  most  popular  at  the  opera.  A 
party  is  assembled — music  is  one  of  the  diversions. 
Forth  you  step,  and,  with  a  just  apprehension  of  the 
difficulties  of  your  task,  select  one  of  those  immortal 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  18*3 

compositions  which  the  most  eminent  have  made  their 
study;  you  execute  it  wonderfully,  only  just  falling  a 
little  short  of  all  the  song  should  be ;  only  just  provok- 
ing a  comparison,  in  every  mind,  with  a  high  standard, 
present  in  the  memory  of  every  cultivated  musician  near 
you.  A  cold  approval,  or  a  good-natured  "bravo!" 
with,  believe  me,  though  you  do  not  hear  it,  a  thorough, 
and,  often,  expressed  conviction  that  you  had  better  have 
left  the  thing  alone,  follows  the  eifort  which  has  merely 
proclaimed  the  fact  that,  spite  of  time  and  money  spent 
upon  the  cultivation  of  your  voice,  you  are  but  a  second- 
rate  singer. 

But,  choose  a  wiser,  a  less  pretending,  a  less  conspicu- 
ous path.  Throw  your  knowledge  into  compositions  of  a 
less  startling,  less  aspiring  character.  Try  only  what 
you  can  compass.  Be  wise  enough  not  to  proclaim  your 
deficiencies,  and  the  critics  will  go  away  disarmed,  even 
if  they  are  not  charmed.  But  if  there  be  any  voice, 
any  feeling,  any  science,  the  touching  melody,  made  vo- 
cal by  youth  and  taste,  will  obtain  even  a  far  higher  de- 
gree of  encomium  than,  perhaps,  it  actually  merits. 
You  will  please — you  will  be  asked  to  renew  your  efforts. 
People  will  not  be  afraid  of  cadenzas  five  minutes  long, 
or  of  bravuras,  every  note  of  which  makes  one  hope  it 
may  be  the  last. 

It  is  true  that,  to  a  person  who  loves  music,  the  per- 
formance of  one  of  the  incomparable  songs  of  Bellini^ 
Rosini,  Flotow,  or  Mozart,  is  an  actual  delight — but; 
when  attempted  by  a  young  amateur,  it  should  be,  like 
many  other  delights,  confined  to  the  private  circle,  and 
not  visited  upon  society  in  general. 


188  '       LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

Do  not  suppose  that  I  mean  to  recommend  j  oor  music, 
or  feeble,  ephemeral  compositions.  What  is  good  need 
not,  of  necessity,  be  always  difficult.  Ballad  music  is 
rich  in  songs  adapted  for  the  private  performer — and 
there  are  many,  in  Italian,  of  great  beauty,  which, 
though  they  would  not  be  selected  for  a  concert-room,  or 
for  brilliant  display,  are  adapted  for  ladies. 

Music  is  the  greatest,  best  substitute  for  conversation. 
It  has  many  merits,  in  this  light.  It  can  never  provoke 
angry  retort;  it  can  never  make  enemies ;  it  can  injure  no 
one's  character  by  slander ;  and  in  playing  and  singing 
one  can  commit  no  indiscretion. 

Music  is  a  most  excellent  amusement,  and,  in  so- 
ciety, an  indispensable  one.  It  aids  conversation  by 
occasionally  interrupting  it  for  a  short  period,  to  be 
renewed  with  a  new  impetus.  It  makes  the  most  de- 
lightful recreation  for  the  home  circle,  varying  the  toil 
and  trouble  of  the  father's  or  husband's  working  day, 
by  the  pleasures  of  the  evening  made  by  music's  power 
to  glide  smoothly  and  swiftly. 

There  are  but  few  persons  who  are  entirely  without  a 
love  for  music,  even  if  they  do  not  understand  it.  They 
will  be  borne  along  upon  the  waves  of  a  sweet  melody 
to  high,  pure  thoughts,  often  to  delicious  memories. 

The  piano  is,  at  the  present  day,  the  most  popular  in- 
strument in  society.  The  harp  has  ceased  to  be  fash- 
ionable, though  it  is  sometimes  heard.  The  latter  is  a 
most  beautiful  accompaniment  for  the  voice,  but  re- 
quires a  large  room,  as,  in  a  small  one,  it  will  sound 
stringy  and  harsh. 

The  guitar,  while  it  makes  a  very  pleasant  accompani 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  18& 

ment  for  the  voice,  has  also  the  advantage  of  being  easily 
carried  from  place  to  place. 

It  requires  as  much  judgment  to  select  proper  iiiStru- 
mental  pieces  for  a  parlor  performance,  as  you  would 
display  in  a  choice  of  songs.  Page  after  page  of  black, 
closely  printed  notes,  will  drive  those  who  see  them  from 
the  piano.  They  may  be  executed  in  the  most  finished 
style,  but  they  are  not  suited  to  general  society.  In 
their  place,  for  practice,  or  for  a  musical  soiree,  where 
ever}"  one  puts  forth  her  best  musical  powers,  they  are 
appropriate,  and  will  give  pleasure,  but  they  are  not 
suited  for  a  mixed  party.  When  asked  to  play,  choose, 
if  you  will,  a  brilliant,  showy  piece,  bnt  let  it  be  short. 
It  is  better  still  to  make  no  attempt  at  display,  but 
simply  try  to  please,  selecting  the  music  your  own  judg- 
ment tells  you  is  best  suited  to  your  audience. 

Avoid  the  loud,  thumping  style,  and  also  the  over-so- 
lemn style. 

Be  sure,  before  you  accept  any  invitation  to  play,  that 
you  know  perfectly  the  piece  you  undertake.  It  is  bet- 
ter to  play  the  simplest  airs  in  a  finished,  faultless  man- 
ner, than  to  play  imperfectly  the  most  brilliant  varia- 
tions. 

Avoid  movement  at  the  piano.  Swinging  the  body 
to  and  fro,  moving  the  head,  rolling  the  eyes,  raising  the 
hands  too  much,  are  all  bad  tricks,  and  should  be  care- 
fully abstained  from. 

With  respect  to  drawing,  modeling,  or  any  pursuits 
of  the  same  nature,  so  much  depends  on  taste  and  op- 
portunity, and  they  are  so  little  the  accomplishments  of 
•ociety  that  they  require  but  few  of  those  restrictions 


190         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

which  music,  in  its  use  and  abuse,  demands.  Drawiii^, 
like  music,  should  be  cultivated  early.  Its  advantages 
are  the  habits  of  perseverance  and  occupation,  which  it 
induces ;  and  the  additional  delight  which  it  gives  to  the 
works,  both  of  nature  and  of  art.  Like  music,  it  gives 
independence — independence  of  society.  The  true  lover 
of  the  arts  has  a  superiority  over  the  indifferent,  and,  if 
she  be  not  better  prepared  for  society,  is  much  better 
fitted  for  retirement  than  those  who  are  not  so  happily 
endowed  with  tastes,  when  in  moderation,  so  innocent 
and  beneficial. 

There  is  no  accomplishment  more  graceful,  pleasing, 
healthy,  and  lady-like,  than  that  of  riding  well.  Avoid- 
ing, at  the  same  time,  timidity  and  the  "  fast"  style, 
keeping  within  the  bounds  of  elegant  propriety^  grace- 
fully yielding  to  the  guidance  of  your  escort,  and  keep- 
ing your  seat  easily,  yet  steadily,  are  all  points  to  be 
acquired. 

To  ride  well  is  undoubtedly  an  admirable  qualification 
for  a  lady,  as  she  may  be  as  feminine  in  the  saddle  as 
m  the  ball  room  or  home  circle.  It  is  a  mistaken  idea 
to  suppose  that  to  become  an  accomplished  horse-woman 
a  lady  must  unsex  herself.  But  she  must  have  a  reserve 
in  her  manner,  that  will  prevent  contamination  from  the 
intercourse  which  too  much  riding  may  lead  to.  To 
lunt,  or  follow  the  field  sports,  in  a  pursuit  which  is  the 
track  of  blood,  disgusts  the  true  admirer  of  gentle  breed- 
uig.  And  such  diversions  will  certainly  result  in  a 
soarseness  of  manner  and  expression,  growing  upon  the 
fair  equestrian  slowly  but  surely.  A  harsh  voice,  loud 
ione,  expressions  suited  only  to  manly  lips,  but  uncon* 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  19  i 

sciously  copied,  will  follow  her  devoticn  to  the  unfeminine 
pursuit. 

Nothing  is  more  revoltinf;  than  a  won  an  v;ho  catches  the 
tone  and  expressions  of  men.  To  hear  the  slang  of  jockey- 
ism  from  female  lips,  is  very  offensive,  yet  ladies  who  loix 
in  field  sports  are  liable,  nay,  almost  certain,  to  fall  into  i 
style  of  conversation  which  is  ten  times  worse  than  thf" 
coarsest  terms  from  the  lips  of  a  man.  Instances  then 
are,  of  the  fairest  of  our  sex,  from  a  fondness  for  suck 
diversions,  and  a  habitual  participation  in  such  society, 
becoming  hard,  bold,  and  disgusting,  even  whilst  retain- 
ing all  their  female  loveliness  of  person. 

A  lady,  unless  she  lives  in  the  most  retired  parts  of 
the  country,  should  never  ride  alone,  and  even  then  she 
will  be  awkwardly  placed,  in  case  of  accident,  without  an 
escort.  In  the  cities,  not  only  is  it  unfeminine,  but 
positively  dangerous,  for  a  lady  to  ride  unaccompanied 
by  a  gentleman,  or  a  man  servant. 

Although  it  is  impossible,  within  the  limits  of  this 
little  volume,  to  give  many  hints  upon  riding,  a  few  may 
not  be  amiss.  Like  many  other  accomplishments,  a 
teacher  is  necessary,  if  you  wish  to  attain  perfection, 
and  no  written  directions  can  make  you  a  finished  horse- 
woman, unless  you  have  had  tuition  and  practice. 

1.  In  mounting  you  are  desired,  gentle  Amazon,  to 
spring  gracefully  into  your  saddle,  with  the  slight  assist- 
ance of  a  hand  placed  beneath  the  sole  of  the  shoe,  in- 
stead of  scrambling  uncouthly  to  your  "  wandering 
throne,"  as  Miss  Fanshawe  wittily  calls  it,  from  a  high 
chair,  a3  is  frequently  done  by  those  who  have  not  been 
prop*erly  instructed.     To  mount  in  the  orthodox  manner. 


192  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

you  should  stand  nearly  close  to  the  horse,  level  with  the 
front  of  the  saddle,  and  taking  the  reins  slackly  in  your 
right  hand,  you  should  place  that  hand  on  the  nearest 
pommel,  to  secure  your  balance  in  rising,  and  with  your 
left  hand  gather  up  the  front  of  the  habit,  so  as  to  leave 
the  feet  clear.  The  gentleman  should  place  himself 
firmly,  near,  but  not  so  near  to  you  as  to  impede  your 
rising,  and  with  the  same  view  must  hold  his  head  well 
back,  as  should  he  lose  his  hat  from  a  whisk  of  your 
habit  the  effect  produced  is  not  good.  You  should  then 
present  your  left  foot,  and  the  gentleman  placing  one 
hand  beneath  its  sole,  and  the  other  above,  so  as  to  pos- 
sess a  safe  hold,  should,  with  nice  judgment,  give  just 
such  assistance  as  will  enable  you  easily,  with  a  spring, 
to  vault  gracefully  into  the  saddle.  You  will  then  ar- 
range your  right  leg  comfortably  over  the  pommel,  your 
cavalier  will  then  place  your  left  foot  in  the  stirrup  and 
arrange  the  flow  of  the  habit-skirt,  and  all  is  complete. 
All  this,  though  so  seemingly  simple  and  easy,  requires 
some  little  practice  to  effect  neatly  and  gracefully. 

2.  Secondly, 'when  riding  with  a  gentleman,  remember 
that  you  are  best  placed  on  the  left  side ;  because  in  that 
position  the  graceful  flow  of  your  habit  is  seen  to  the 
greatest  advantage,  while  it  does  not  inconvenience  the 
gentleman  by  getting  entangled  with  his  stirrup,  nor 
does  it  receive  the  splashes  of  his  horse. 

3.  But  when  you  have  a  double  attendance  of  cavaliers, 
if  you  be  at  all  a  timid  rider,  it  may  become  discreet  to 
^'pacJc''  you  (forgive  the  homely  phrase)  between  the 
two,  since,  in  this  position,  you  are  the  most  thoroughly 
protected  from  your  own  horse's  shying,  or  from  other 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  195 

horses  or  vehicles  approaching  you  too  closely,  boing  thus 
forced  to  take  that  part  of  the  road  to  which  the  better 
judgment  of  your  companions  inevitably  guides  you.  If 
you  be  an  accomplished  equestrian,  you  will  prefer  being 
outside,  and  (as  has  been  said)  to  the  left. 

Sit  erect  in  the  middle  of  your  saddle,  turning  your 
face  full  towards  the  head  of  your  horse.  Cling  as 
closely  as  possible  to  the  saddle,  but  avoid  stooping  for- 
ward, or  using  your  hands  to  keep  you  in  your  seat. 
Nervous  motions  on  horseback  are  not  only  ungraceful, 
but  dangerous,  as  your  horse  will  not  make  any  allow- 
ance for  the  delicacy  of  your  nerves,  and  may  prove  his 
objections  to  a  jerking  hand,  or  a  twitching  rein,  in  a 
most  decided  and  disagreeable  manner. 

The  riding-dress,  or  habit,  is  best  made  to  fit  the  figure 
tightly,  with  tight  sleeves.  It  may  be  open  in  the  front, 
over  a  neatly  fitting  chemisette,  or  buttoned  close  to  the 
throat,  with  a  neat  linen  collar  and  cuffs.  The  loose 
sacque  is  ungraceful,  but  a  basque-  is  most  becoming  on 
horseback.  Gauntlet  gloves,  of  leather,  are  the  most 
suitable,  and  must  be  loose  enough  to  give  your  hand 
perfect  freedom,  yet  not  so  loose  as  to  interfere  with  ita 
motions.  Do  not  wear  the  skirt  too  long;  it  will  be 
dangerous  in  case  of  accident,  and  it  may  prove  annoy- 
ing to  your  horse.  Your  habit  must  be  made  of  a  ma- 
terial sufficiently  heavy  to  hang  gracefully,  and  not  move 
too  much  with  the  wind.  For  a  winter  habit,  a  warmly- 
lined  basque,  trimmed  at  the  throat  and  hands  with  fur, 
is  an  elegant  and  appropriate  dress,  and  a  round  cap  of 
the  same  cloth  as  the  habit,  with  a  band,  and  pieces  to 
13 


194  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

cover  the  ears,  of  fur  to  match  the  dress  trimmiLgs, 
makes  a  handsome  and  appropriate  dress. 

In  summer,  your  hat  should  be  of  fine  straw,  and 
slouched  to  shade  the  face ;  in  winter,  of  felt,  or,  if  you 
prefer,  a  close  cap  of  cloth.  The  hat  may  be  trimmed 
with  feathers  or  knots  of  ribbon,  and  the  shape  should  be 
one  to  protect  the  complexion,  at  the  same  time  graceful 
and  becoming. 

Avoid  any  display  in  a  riding  dress.  Choose  a  material 
of  some  dark  or  neutral  tint,  and  never  use  showy  trim- 
mings. 

Curls,  or  any  flowing  loose  style  of  wearing  the  hair, 
will  be  found  exceedingly  troublesome  on  horseback. 
Arrange  it  neatly  and  compactly  under  your  hat,  for  if 
a  stray  curl  or  lock  annoys  you,  or  is  blown  across  your 
eyes  by  the  wind,  your  hands  will  be  too  fully  occupied 
to  remedy  the  diflSculty. 

Your  whip  should  be  light  and  small,  tasteful  if  you 
will,  but  not  showy. 

At  the  period  for  which  these  hints  are  intended,  the 
Modern  Languages  should  form  a  portion  of  acquire- 
ment. As  in  music,  an  intelligent  and  assiduous  girl 
may,  I  believe,  acquire  an  adequate  degree  of  proficiency 
in  French,  German,  and  Italian,  without  having  been 
abroad,  though  a  foreign  tour  will  be  of  the  greatest  use 
in  the  acquisition  of  the  accent  and  niceties  of  each 
tongue.  With  respect  to  French,  it  is  no  doubt  essentia] 
to  comfort  to  understand  it ;  it  is  one  of  the  attributes 
of  a  lady  to  speak  it  well ;  still,  it  is  not  indispensable  to 
speak  it  so  well  that  the  American  lady  is  mistaken  for 
A  Parisian.     This,  which  but  seldom  happens,  can  only 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  19& 

be  acquired,  in  most  cases,  by  a  residence  abroad.  Bat 
French  is  thoroughly  and  grammatically  taught  in 
America.  It  is  only  the  habit  of  speaking,  the  idioma 
and  niceties,  which  cannot  be  acquired  except  by  converse 
with  a  native. 

There  are  hundreds  of  competent  instructors  in  this 
country,  French  ladies  and  gentlemen  amongst  the  num- 
ber, who  form  classes  for  conversation  and  familiarizing 
their  pupils  with  these  very  idioms.  After  availing  her- 
self of  such  advantages,  a  young  lady  will  find  that  a 
very  short  residence  abroad  will  improve  and  facilitate 
her  French  conversation. 

Much,  however,  will  depend  upon  how  you  use  the  op- 
portunities within  your  reach.  There  are  many  oppor- 
tunities of  practice  in  large  towns ;  and  foreigners  give 
all  facilities,  by  their  readiness  to  converse,  their  good- 
nature in  listening,  and  in  helping  the  beginner  by  kind 
hints.  If  a  young  lady,  with  simplicity,  good  breeding, 
and  good  taste,  endeavors  to  speak  whenever  she  has  an 
opportunity,  words  will  come  as  if  by  intuition.  Do  not 
think  of  by-standers  and  lookers-on ;  think  only  of  the 
individual  to  whom  you  are  addressing  yourself.  If  pos- 
sible, be  not  abashed  by  one  or  two  errors  at  the  first 
plunge — swim  on  till  you  have  confidence.  The  effort,  I 
grant,  is  great,  and  it  may  be  obviated  by  a  foreign  edu- 
cation ;  but  where  this  is  impossible,  the  freedom  acquired 
will  more  than  repay  the  exertion. 

In  foreign  literature,  walk  carefully,  and  if  you  have 
an  older,  wiser  head  than  your  own  to  point  out  the  best 
paths,  improve  the  advantage. 

One  cannot  help  deeming  it  a  great  era  in  education 


196  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

that  German  is  cultivated  as  well  as  Italian  and  French, 
and  that  stores  of  literature  are  opened,  to  vary  the  de- 
lights of  intellect,  and  to  give  freshness  and  interest  to 
the  studies  of  youth. 

The  rapture  with  which  the  works  of  Schiller  are  pe- 
rused in  the  original,  seems  to  repay  the  hours  devoted 
to  German ;  and  I  am  sure  the  perusal  of  Tasso,  or  of 
the  Aristodemo  of  Monti,  would  reward  the  study  of 
Italian,  were  not  the  acquisition  of  that  exquisite  lan- 
guage of  itself  a  source  of  poetic  pleasure. 

The  modern  French  writers  have  increased  an  ever- 
lasting responsibility  in  corrupting  the  sources  of  amuse- 
ment, open  to  the  young  readers,  and  it  is  remarkable 
that  most  of  the  distinguished  French  authors  seem  to 
have  felt  that  they  had  erred,  and  to  have  retrieved  in 
Rome  of  their  works  the  tendencies  of  their  other  pro- 
ductions. Take  for  instance,  Madame  de  Stael ;  her 
books  cannot  be  judged  altogether ;  the  effect  of  some 
of  her  eloquent  and  almost  incomparable  writings  varies 
in  an  extraordinary  degree.  Whilst  '*Delphine"  is  unfit 
for  the  perusal  of  a  modest  woman,  her  "  L'AUemagne'* 
is  finely  written  throughout,  and  her  criticisms  and 
analyses  of  German  writers  are  full  of  instruction  as  well 
as  interest. 

Still  the  works  open  to  readers  of  French  are  numer- 
ous. The  tragedies  of  Corneille  and  Racine  are  forcible 
and  finished,  and  should  be  read  because  classical.  The 
**  Alzire"  of  Voltaire  and  his  "Zaire"  with  the  dramas  of 
Casimir  de  la  Vigne  are  also  worthy  of  perusal.  It  ia 
not  an  inspiriting  kind  of  reading,  but  it  is  rich  in  sen- 
timent, and  perfectly  unexceptionable  in  moral  tone. 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  197 

Although  the  scepticism  of  most  German  writers  ren 
iers  this  literature  dangerous  to  a  young  mind,  there  are 
fields  of  pure,  noble  writing  open  in  that  language.  The 
works  of  Schiller,  for  example.  His  mind  was  originally 
noble,  his  heart  good,  his  love  to  mankind,  and  his  en- 
quiry after  truth  were  sincere.  In  early  life,  he  wavered ; 
and  the  besetting  scepticism  of  the  Germans  dimmed, 
for  a  time,  his  perceptions  of  all  that  is  most  sublime,  as 
well  as  true,  in  our  finite  knowledge.  He  was  chastened 
— he  sufi*ered — he  believed.  He  died  an  early  but  a 
bright  instance  that  great  genius  may  exist  with  true  and 
bumble  piety,  and  that  the  mind  is  never  so  powerful  as 
when  illumined  by  divine  light.  His  works  are  a  mag- 
nificent library  in  themselves — and  I  could  almost  say, 
be  contented  to  learn  German  and  to  read  Schiller. 
Some  of  his  works  are  open  to  objection,  his  ''Bride  of 
Messina,"  portions  of  "The  Robbers,"  are  better  omitted 
from  your  collection,  but  " Wallenstein"  and  "Maria 
Stuart"  are  noble  and  admirable  productions.  On  this 
subject,  and,  indeed,  on  the  whole  of  German  literature, 
Madame  de  Stael  is  an  excellent  guide  in  her  "  L'Alle- 
magne,"  to  which  I  refer  the  young  German  student, 
who  is  sincerely  desirous  of  gleaning  the  good,  and 
avoiding  the  evil  in  German  compositions. 

Italian  literature  furnishes  a  delightful  theme  for  com- 
ment. It  is  singular  that  an  enslaved,  and,  during  many 
ages,  a  depraved  and  degraded  people,  should  have  pos- 
sessed the  purest  poetry,  the  least  exceptionable  drama, 
in  Europe  There  is  little  to  exclude,  and  much  to  re- 
commend,  m  this  beautiful  language.  The  works  of 
Tasso  abound  with  high  sentiment;  the  "Infernf"  of 


198  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Dante  is  a  sublime  picture  of  eternal  retribution,  softeneJ 
with  most  touching  pictures  of  human  woe.  Happy  are 
those  who  have  leisure  to  pursue  extensively  the  acquisi^ 
tion  of  Italian  literature,  they  may  read  and  commit  to 
memory  without  fear  of  an  insidious  meaning  beneath 
the  polished  verse,  or  the  prose  which  has  all  the  charm 
of  poetry. 

Spanish  literature  will  require  the  same  judicious 
pruning  which  is  necessary  in  French  and  German,  but 
of  all  languages,  it  is  the  most  musical  for  speech,  and 
singing. 

A  lady  in  society  must,  if  she  would  not  grow  utterly 
weary  in  company,  know  how  to  dance.  It  has  been  the 
practice  among  many  excellent  people  to  represent  the 
ball  room  as  a  "  pitfall  covered  with  flowers;"  a  sheet  of 
breaking  ice  ;  above,  all  gayety  and  motion ;  below,  all 
darkness  and  danger.  It  may  be  that  to  some  minds 
the  ball  room  may  be  replete  with  temptations  ;  but  there 
are  minds  which  find  temptations  everywhere.  The  in- 
nocent may  be  innocent,  nay,  the  pious  may  feel  devout, 
even  in  a  ball  room.  There  is  nothing  immoral  or  wrong 
in  dancing  ;  it  is  the  tendency  of  youth  to  dance — it  is 
the  first  efibrt  of  a  child — the  first  natural  recreation. 
It  seems  so  natural  that  I  confess  I  am  always  doubtful 
of  the  sincerity  of  those  young  ladies  who  profess  to  dis- 
like the  ball  room. 

In  the  present  day,  you  must  understand  how  to  move 
gracefully  through  quadrilles,  to  dance  polka,  Schot- 
tische,  Varsovienne,  and  waltz.  To  these  you  may  add 
great  variety  of  dances,  each  season,  probably,  bringing 
»  new  one. 


ACCOMPLI  iflMLNTS.  IW 

"  Dancing,"  says  Mr.  Sheldrake,  **  is  jne  of  the  most 
krialthy,  as  well  as  one  of  the  most  pleasing  amusements 
that  can  be  practised  by  the  young.  If  it  is  learned 
from  those  who  are  well  qualified  to  teach  it,  and  prac- 
tised, as  it  ougflt  to  be,  consistently  with  the  instructions 
given,  it  will  contribute  more  to  improve  the  health,  as 
well  as  the  form  of  the  human  frame,  than  any  other 
exercise.  For  the  discovery  and  promulgation  of  the 
true  and  correct  principles  according  to  which  dancing 
should  be  taught,  the  world  is  indebted  to  France,  a 
country  which  has  long  taken  the  lead  in  the  elegant 
arts.  In  France,  dancing  was  first  raised  to  the  dignity 
of  a  science,  a  royal  academy  being  founded  for  the  pur- 
pose of  teaching  and  perfecting  it,  in  the  reign  of  Louis 
Quatorze.  In  this  academy  were  trained  many  of  the 
most  distinguished  dancers  of  both  sexes."  One  of  the 
most  celebrated,  Madame  Simonet,  gav5  the  following 
account  to  Mr.  Sheldrake  of  the  mode  of  instruction 
pursued  in  the  academy : — "  All  the  pupils,  before  they 
were  permitted  to  attempt  to  dance,  were  completely  in- 
structed in  what  were  called  the  preparatory  exercises  r 
that  is,  a  system  of  exercises,  which  endued  all  their 
limbs  with  strength,  firmness,  elasticity,  and  activity; 
when  they  had  acquired  these  properties,  they  began  to 
dance. 

"In  these  preparatory  exercises,  the  motions  were 
of  the  most  simple  kind,  the  object  being  to  teach  the 
pupil,  gradually  and  separately,  all  those  movementii 
which,  when  combined,  and  rapidly  executed,  constitute 
aancing."  Madame  Simonet  thus  described  those  ele« 
mentary  instructions,  as   gone   through   by  herself:— 


200  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

"She  successively  learned  to  stand  flat  and  firm  upoi 
both  her  feet,  with  her  limbs  quite  straight,  and  the 
whole  person  perfectly  upright,  but  not  stiff;  then  to 
lift  one  foot  from  the  ground,  and  to  keep  it  so  for  some 
time  without  moving  any  part  of  her  body ;  she  then  re- 
])laced  that  foot  on  the  ground,  and  raised  the  oth'er  in 
the  same  manner.  These  simple  actions  were  repeated 
till  the  pupils  were  quite  familiar  with  them  ;  they  were 
then  directed  to  keep  the  body  quite  erect,  but  not  stiff, 
and  bearing  firmly  upon  one  leg,  to  raise  the  other  from 
the  ground,  gradually  and  slowly,  by  bending  the  upper 
joint  of  the  limb,  at  the  same  time  making  the  knee 
straight,  and  putting  the  toe  to  its  proper  extent,  but  no 
more.  The  foot,  after  it  had  been  kept  in  this  state  for 
some  time,  was  returned  to  the  ground  from  whence  it 
was  taken,  and  the  other  foot  treated  in  the  same  man- 
ner  ;  when  quite  familiarized  to  these  actions,  they  were 
directed  to  walk  (march,  as  some  people  will  call  it) 
slowly,  performing  the  same  motions  with  the  feet  al- 
ternately." The  exercises  which  followed  these,  were 
upon  the  turning  out  of  the  feet,  the  balancing  of  the 
body,  and  other  attitudes,  which  need  not  be  particular- 
ized. 

Mr.  Shellrake  gives  several  examples  of  persons 
trained  upon  these  initiatory  principles  to  the  profession 
of  dancing,  who  have  lived  in  health  to  a  great  age, 
"This,"  says  he,  "is  not  the  chance  lot  of  a  few;  for 
I  have,  through  life,  been  accustomed  to  see  many  pei* 
sons  of  the  same  profession ;  I  have  communicated  m;y 
own  observations  to  many  others,  and  all  have  agreed 
IE  remarking,  that  those  who  follow  this  profession  have^ 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  201 

very  generally,  excellent  health,  which  very  many  of 
them  carry  mto  extreme  old  age.  This  indisputable  fact 
can  only  be  accounted  for  by  supposing  that  the  prepara- 
tory exercises  which  these  persons  go  through,  are  a 
modification  of  what  I  have  called  regulated  muscular 
tension,  or  action,  and  the  early  and  constant  practice 
of  which  lays  a  firm  foundation  for  that  high  health 
which  accompanies  them  through  life.  It  is  upon  the 
same  principle  that  a  soldier  is  never  seen  with  spinal 
curvature,  or  other  personal  deformity,  or  a  stage  dancer 
of  either  sex  with  a  deformed  person ;  it  is,  perhaps,  im 
possible  that  such  things  should  exist,  for  the  plain  rea 
son,  that  the  exercises  which  they  begin  to  practice  early 
in  life,  and  continue  regularly  through  its  whole  course, 
render  it  impossible  for  them  to  become  so. 

''  The  inference  to  be  drawn  from  these  incontroverti- 
ble facts  is,  that  if  we,  in  very  early  life,  teach  young 
children  to  practice  similar  exercises,  and  follow  them 
steadily  afterwards,  we  shall  confirm  them  in  excellent 
health,  and  prevent  the  accession  of  those  evils  which  so 
often  cause  deformity  to  the  figure,  and  destruction  to 
the  constitution,  at  later  periods  of  life.  I  do  not  pro- 
pose to  make  every  boy  a  soldier,  or  every  girl  a  dancer 
upon  the  stage,  but  to  adopt  the  principles,  by  the  ap- 
plication of  which  those  persons  are  trained  to  the  suc- 
cessful practices  of  their  several  occupations,  and  so  to 
modify  them,  that  they  may  qualify  other  classes  of  so- 
ciety to  follow  their  different  pursuits  with  equal  success; 
and  I  am  not  without  hopes  that  this  undertaking  will 
contribute  something  towards  producing  this  desirable 
effect." 


202  ladies'  book  ov  etiquette.  . 

Dane  ng  is  an  exercise  which  has  been  practiced  by 
mankind  from  the  most  remote  ages.  With  the  Egyp- 
tians, Assyrians,  and  Persians,  the  founders  of  tho 
three  great  empires  of  the  ancient  world,  dancing  was 
the  favorite  exercise  or  accomplishment,  and  the  practice 
was  not  less  prevalent  among  their  successors  in  power 
and  importance,  the  Greeks  and  Romans.  The  Jews, 
also,  we  learn  from  Scripture,  were  strongly  attached  to 
the  exercise  at  all  periods  of  their  history. 

At  the  present  day,  almost  every  people  that  exist, 
whether  barbarous  or  civilized,  has  its  own  form  of  danc- 
ing. It  is  this  universality  of  the  exercise  that  makes 
dancing  a  subject  of  importance.  Being  so  extensively 
practiced,  it  must  be  the  instrument  either  of  good  or 
evil  to  the  human  race. 

It  is  one  of  the  most  healthful  and  elegant  amuse- 
ments, and  cannot  be  too  highly  recommended.  Among 
a  rude  and  dissolute  people  it  may  degenerate  into  some- 
thing worthy  of  condemnation ;  but  all  the  blessings  we 
have  are  similarly  liable  to  abuse,  and  it  would  be  most 
unjust  to  condemn  a  cheerful  domestic  amusement,  merely 
because  it  has,  at  times,  been  degraded  by  people  of  low, 
vulgar,  immoral  tastes.  By  all  physicians,  dancing, 
when  pursued  in  moderation,  is  recommended  as  highly 
conducive  to  bodily  health ;  and  it  may  be  truly  said, 
that,  allied  with  music,  nothing  is  more  conducive  to 
mental  health,  more  calculated  to  drive  away  melancholy, 
and  put  the  whole  temper  into  good  humor. 

Dancing  is  the  poetry  of  motion.  It  must  be  per- 
formed with  ease  and  grace,  and  always  with  a  perfect 
regard  for  propriety  of  movement. 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  208 

A.S  an  art  it  is  taught  by  professed  masters ;  and  one 
of  the  leading  rules  given  to  the  learner  is  to  raise  and 
lower  herself  gracefully  on  the  elastic  part  of  her  feet, 
and  to  keep  perfect  time  to  the  music.  Dancing  is 
really  a  simple  and  elegant  gliding  on  the  toes,  which 
bend  more  or  less  to  accommodate  the  steps,  and  prevent 
harsh,  ungraceful  motion. 

The  most  popular  dances  of  the  present  day,  are,  first, 
the  quadrille. 

These  are  of  French  origin,  comparatively  tranquil  in 
their  character,  and  generally  danced  once  or  more  in 
every  party.  They  are  danced  by  four  couples,  one 
standing  on  each  side  of  a  square.  There  are  many  seta 
of  quadrilles,  the  figures  in  each  varying  from  the  others. 
But  there  are  five  figures  in  each  set.  The  plain,  fancy. 
Lancers,  Polka,  Mazourka,  and  German,  are  among  the 
most  popular. 

In  plain  quadrilles,  a  lady  takes  no  steps,  merely 
walking  gracefully  through  the  figures,  but  her  feet  must 
keep  perfect  time  to  the  music,  and  she  must  know  the 
changes  of  position  perfectly. 

A  quadrille  may  be  very  properly  described  as  a  con- 
versation dance,  as  there  are  long  pauses  between  the 
figures,  when  the  dancers  must  have  a  fund  of  small  talk 
ready  for  their  partners. 

When  moving  in  the  figures,  hold  out  your  skirt  a 
little  with  the  right  hand,  merely  to  clear  the  ground, 
and  prevent  the  possibility  of  treading  upon  it, 

Next  come  the  round  dances,  the  Valse,  Polka,  Bcl.ot- 
tische,  Varsovienne,  and  Redowa. 

The  Waltz  is  danced  both  d  tralstemps  and  deuxtemp9. 


204  ladies'  book  op  etiquette. 

In  the  waltz,  the  .position  is  a  most  important  point 
You  may  so  lean  upon  your  partner's  arm,  and  so  carrj 
your  figure,  that  the  prudish  can  find  but  little  fault,  bu< 
you  can  also  make  the  dance  a  most  immodest  one.  1 
cannot,  within  the  limits  of  my  book,  go  into  a  long  ar- 
gument as  to  the  propriety  of  these  round  dances. 
Opinions  differ,  and  I  am  not  writing  a  sermon,  but 
giving,  as  far  as  is  in  my  power,  hints  to  ladies  in  society. 
It  is,  therefore,  enough  for  me  to  know  that  these  dancea 
are  tolerated,  and  that,  even  were  I  so  inclined,  /  could 
not  exclude  them. 

To  return  to  the  position.  Stand  a  little  to  the  right 
of  your  partner,  that,  in  clasping  your  waist,  he  may 
draw  you  upon  his  arm  to  his  shoulder,  not  his  breast ; 
the  last  position  is  awkward.  By  observing  the  first, 
you  have  your  head  free ;  turn  it  a  little  towards  the  left 
shouhler  ;  need  I  say,  never  lay  it  upon  your  partner's 
shoulder  ?  Throw  the  head  and  shoulders  a  little  back, 
not  too  much  to  be  consistent  with  easy  grace,  place  one 
hand  upon  your  partner's  shoulder,  and  the  other  in  his 
disengaged  hand.     So,  you  are  ready  to  start. 

The  waltz  may  be  danced  to  very  fast  time,  or  to  slow 
music.  The  last  is  the  most  graceful,  and  there  is  not  so 
much  danger  of  giddiness.  Grace  can  only  be  gained 
by  a  perfect  timing  of  the  steps  to  the  music,  and  also 
evenness  of  step.  It  is,  when  properly  timed  with  perfect 
Btep,  and  easy,  gliding  motion,  the  most  graceful  dances. 
The  Germans,  who  dance  for  the  sake  of  dancing,  will 
only  allow  a  certain  number  of  waltzers  on  the  floor  at 
one  time,  and  these  waltz  in  streams,  all  going  down  one 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  206 

Bide  of  tte  room  and  up  the  other,  thus  rendering  <;olli« 
Bions  impossible. 

An  English  writer,  in  a  recent  work  published  on  eti 
quette,  speaks  of  waltzing  thus : — 

"  It  is  perhaps  useless  to  recommend  flat-foot  waltzing 
in  this  country,  where  ladies  allow  themselves  to  be 
almost  hugged  by  their  partners,  and  where  men  think  it 
necessary  to  lift  a  lady  almost  off  the  ground,  but  I  am 
persuaded  that  if  it  were  introduced,  the  outcry  against 
the  impropriety  of  waltzing  would  soon  cease.  Nothing 
can  be  more  delicate  than  the  way  in  which  a  German 
holds  his  partner.  It  is  impossible  to  dance  on  the  flat 
foot  unless  the  lady  and  gentleman  are  quite  free  of  one 
another.  His  hand,  therefore,  goes  no  further  round  her 
waist  than  to  the  hooks  and  eyes  of  her  dress,  hers,  no 
higher  than  to  his  elbow.  Thus  danced,  the  waltz  is 
smooth,  graceful,  and  delicate,  and  we  could  never  in 
Germany  complain  of  our  daughter's  languishing  on  a 
young  man's  shoulder.  On  the  other  hand,  nothing  is 
more  graceless  and  absurd,  than  to  see  a  man  waltzing 
on  the  tips  of  his  toes,  lifting  his  partner  off  the  ground, 
or  twirling  round  and  round  with  her  like  the  figures  on 
a  street  organ.  The  test  of  waltzing  in  time,  is  to  be 
able  to  stamp  the  time  with  the  left  foot.  The  waltz  is 
of  German  origin,  but  where  it  is  still  danced  in  Ger- 
many in  the  original  manner,  (as,  for  instance,  among 
the  peasants  of  the  Tyrol,)  it  is  a  very  different  dance* 
It  is  there  very  slow  and  graceful ;  the  feet  are  thrown 
out  in  a  single  long  step,  which  Turveydrop,  I  presume, 
would  call  a  jetS.  After  a  few  turns,  the  partners 
waltz  alone  in  the  pame  step,  the  man  keeping  the  time 


206  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

by  striking  together  his  iron-shod  heels,  until  with  a 
shout  and  clapping  of  hands  he  again  clasps  his  partner 
and  continues  in  the  same  slow  measure  with  her." 

The  position  for  the  polka,  redowa,  and  other  round 
dances,  should  be  the  same  as  that  for  the  waltz,  and  for 
the  steps,  they  can  only  be  acquired  from  a  dancing 
teacher,  and  are  impossible  to  describe  properly. 

One  of  the  most  delightful  accomplishments  which  a 
lady  can  possess,  and  one  which  is  unfortunately  but 
little  cultivated,  is  the  art  of  reading  aloud  well ;  reading 
with  expression,  taste,  animation,  and  correctness;  and 
this  art  once  acquired,  let  her  also  be  able  to  recite  well. 

Long  lectures  may  be  given  upon  elocution,  but  the 
advice  can  be  condensed  into  two  directions.  Eirst,  be 
sure  you  pronounce,  accent,  and  enunciate  every  word 
correctly ;  then,  throw  your  whole  soul  into  the  words. 
Study  your  author  carefully,  that  you  may  know  pre- 
cisely what  he  means  by  each  expression,  and  then  try 
to  bury  your  personal  identity,  to  become,  for  the  time, 
the  character  you  represent. 

One  of  the  most  delightful  ways  to  spend  a  social 
evening,  is  to  devote  it  to  dramatic  literature.  Invite 
only  guests  who  read  well,  or  who  are  really  interested 
listeners,  and  select  a  play,  or  scenes  from  several  plays, 
and  cast  the  parts  among  your  guests.  All  jealousy 
must  be  put  aside,  and  to-night's  Hamlet  must  conde- 
scend to  direct  Richard  to 

"  Stand  by,  my  lord,  and  let  the  coffin  pass," 
to-morrow. 

After  a  few  meetings,  the  peculiar  talent  of  each  reader 
will  be  recognized,  and  you  can  select  your  tragedy  hero, 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS  20T 

comedy  hero,  queen,  chambermaid,  and  other  memlers 
of  the  force,  with  a  view  to  the  display  of  each  one's  best 
powers.  Vary  the  entertainment  by  reciting  monologues 
and  dialogues.  A  whole  play  will  often  be  found  tire- 
some ;  it  is  best  to  select  several  scenes,  keeping  up  the 
thread  of  the  plot,  and  introducing  the  best  characters, 
and  leave  out  what  is  mere  interlude,  and  dispense  with 
some  of  the  subordinate  characters. 

Leave  one  end  of  the  room  entirely  vacant  for  the 
readers.  You  will  find  it  more  interesting  to  have  the 
readers  stand,  and  use  some  little  motion ;  the  words 
will  floAV  more  easily,  the  expressions  come  more  forcibly 
if  the  appropriate  gesture  is  made.  Love  scenes  will,  of 
course,  require  delicate  handling,  and  embracing  can  be 
easily  omitted ;  neither  would  I  recommend  the  action 
of  a  dueling  scene,  or  a  murder,  but  merely  to  add 
gesture  enough  to  give  interest  to  both  readers  and 
audience. 

You  will  find  some  little  difficulty  from  bashfulness, 
and  the  ''don't  like  to"  people  at  first,  but  soon  you 
^ill  discover  with  delight  how  many  of  your  friends  pos- 
sess the  talent  for  reading  well,  and  never  knew  it  them- 
selves. 

Y  ou  will  do  well  to  take  a  few  lessons  in  elocution,  but 
you  need  not  fear  to  read  if  you  have  never  made  the 
accomplishment  a  study.  With  a  correct  knowledge  of 
your  own  language,  and  a  love  for  fine  writing,  you  will 
Boon  read  well. 

Give  to  every  part  you  undertake,  the  full  effect  in- 
tended by  the  writer.  Do  not  throw  all  your  energy, 
your  whole  soul,  into  a  leading  part  at  one  time,  and 


208  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

slight  a  subordinate  character  at  another.  If  you  have 
but  five  words  to  read,  read  them  as  they  would  be 
spoken  were  you  the  character  you  represent  for  the 
time.  To  hear  a  splendidly  written,  tragic  burst  of  pas- 
sion read  in  a  weak,  whining  voice,  is  no  worse  than  to 
have  a  few  bimple  words  from  a  servant's  lips  delivered 
with  the  gesture  and  emphasis  suited  tc  a  Medea  or  Lady 
Macbeth. 

I  shall  be  condemned  by  many  serious  and  well-judging 
persons,  if  I  say  one  word  in  favor  of  private  theatricals  ; 
yet,  as  it  appears  to  me,  there  are  in  these  diversions 
some  advantages  which  are  not  to  be  found  to  excuse  the 
waltz,  or  the  polka,  or  the  ballet,  or  the  hunting  field. 
In  private  theatricals  there  is  the  possibility  of  some 
benefit.  The  study  of  the  finest  dramatists,  especially 
of  Shakespeare,  is  not  likely  to  demoralize  the  mind,  or 
to  cool  the  enthusiasm  for  what  is  good.  We  can  scarcely 
know  too  well  those  works  which  have  tended  more 
to  form  character  than  any  collection  of  any  kind 
whatsoever. 

Shakespeare  Sheridan,  Bulwer, — but  I  cannot  {^o 
through  the  list  of  fine  dramatic  writers  whose  works 
elevate  the  mind  and  taste.  The  plays  of  Sheridan, 
Knowles,  and  Bulwer,  are,  in  most  instances,  well 
adapted  for  private  representations — the  most  exquisite 
delineations  of  female  character  may  be  found  in  the 
dramatic  library,  and  high,  pure,  manly  thoughts,  may 
be  traced,  line  after  line,  to  the  same  source. 

Private  theatricals  should,  however,  be  regulated  with 
much  judgment.  I  see  no  reason  to  restrict  too  se- 
verely talent  of  this  kind  where  it  exists,  any  more  than 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  209 

to  crush  a  dawning  taste  for  the  other  fine  arts.  Wha*' 
we  have  to  do  is  to  raise  and  direct  it ;  never  to  lot  it 
occujry  too  much  time,  nor  to  become  the  business  of 
life ;  never  to  let  it  infringe  upon  duties ;  never  to  allow 
it  to  lead  us  into  an  unreasonable,  and,  therefore,  crimi- 
nal expense.  Our  ancestors  were  content  to  strew  their 
stage  at  the  end  of  their  halls  with  rushes,  and  to  hang 
«p  the  name  of  the  scene,  instead  of  a  scene,  before  each 
act.  The  best  preparations,  which  generally  render  pri* 
vate  theatricals  both  laborious  and  expensive,  add  but 
little  to  the  pleasure  of  the  beholders,  whose  attention 
is  fixed  upon  the  actors,  and  who  can  always  see  far  finer 
scenes  at  a  minor  theatre  than  at  any  private  theatricals. 
Were  we  content  with  greater  simplicity  in  our  amuse- 
ments, how  much  vain  ostentation,  heart-sickening  ex- 
pense, self-recrimination,  and  trouble,  might  be  avoided  ! 

As  a  valid  objection  to  private  theatricals,  it  has  been 
urged  that  they  are  apt  to  encourage  a  taste  for  the 
green-room  of  the  public  theatre  in  young  men  and  boys ; 
in  women  the  risk  is  less,  for  few  women  are  ever  known 
to  go  on  the  stage  except  from  necessity.  I  own  this 
objection  to  theatricals  is  the  greatest  that  can  be  urged. 
It  can  only  be  answered  in  mitigation  that,  where  there 
exists  a  taste  of  the  kind,  it  is  better  that  it  should  be 
indulged  at  home,  instead  of  at  the  theatre,  with  the 
mjdest  inmates  of  a  well-governed  house,  instead  of  with 
professional  actors.  Like  all  other  amusements,  the 
abuse  is  probable,  but  the  power  of  restraint  rests  within 
ourselves. 

Under  the  same  head  as  private  theatricals  may  come 
dramatized  charades  and  proverbs,  so  much  in  fashion 
14 


210  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

at  the  present  time.  These  last  have  some  great  advan- 
tages over  the  standard  plays ;  thej  are. better  suited  to 
a  parlor ;  they  do  not  provoke  comparison  between  the 
young  actors,  and  the  favorite  public  idols ;  they  require 
but  little  scenery  and  arrangement ;  they  are  short ;  and 
they  do  not  require  so  many  subordinate  characters. 

Impromptu  charades  and  proverbs  are  delightful,  and 
are  the  occasion  for  much  merriment ;  the  mistakes,  the 
absurd  contrasts  between  character  and  costume,  the 
scenery — a  deep,  hanging  wood,  the  court  of  Louis  Qua- 
torze  or  the  deck  of  a  man  of  war,  being  improvised  at 
a  moment's  notice,  only  add  to  the  merry  enjoyment. 

One  rule  you  must  observe  if  you  join  in  these  amuse- 
ments :  never  to  carry  your  gayety  into  romping.  Merry 
and  laughing  you  may  be,  yet  never  forget  you  are  a 
lady.  You  may  personate  a  newly-caught  Irish  cham- 
bermaid, use  the  broadest  brogue,  wear  the  commonest 
dress,  throw  yourself  heartily  and  thoroughly  into  the 
part,  losing  your  personal  identity  almost  entirely,  and 
yet  you  may  retain  that  nameless  charm,  which  will  place 
you  in  the  mind  of  each  of  the  audience  as  a  lady  of  re- 
finement. 

You  must  also  be  perfectly  good-natured  and  self-sac- 
rificing ;  ready  to  play  the  smallest  parts  with  the  same 
interest  you  would  throw  into  the  principal  ones.  Try 
to  throw  out  all  the  good  points  in  the  parts  taken  by 
the  other  members  of  the  company.  If  you  play  an  in- 
significant part,  play  it  well,  with  all  the  grace  you  can, 
make  the  most  of  it,  but  do  not  try  to  raise  it  to  the  first 
place.  Yield  gracefully  the  prominent  position  to  those 
who  claim  it  in  the  plot  of  the  play,  and  never  try  by 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  211 

ronspicuous  dress  or  by  play,  to  go  beyond  tie  position 
get  down  for  you. 

Another  delightful  accomplishment,  and  one  "which 
will  aid  you  if  you  are  studying  drawing  and  painting,  is 
that  of  arranging  tableaux  vwants. 

Mrs.  Severn  gives  the  following  hints  upon  this 
subject : 

"  Perhaps  there  is  no  intellectual  amusement  in  fash- 
ionable life,  the  nature  of  which  is  so  little  understood, 
as  i\i%  tableau  vivant ;  it  being  generally  considered  as 
only  a  vehicle  for  display,  whereas  its  real  purpose  is  to 
arrange  scientifically  a  combination  of  natural  objects, 
so  as  to  make  a  good  picture  according  to  the  rules  of 
art. 

"  A  tableau  vivant  is  literally  what  its  name  imports — a 
living  picture  composed  of  living  persons ;  and,  when 
BkilfuUy  arranged  and  seen  at  a  proper  distance,  it  pro- 
duces all  the  effect  of  a  real  picture.  It  is  said,  that  the 
first  living  picture  was  contrived  by  a  profligate  young 
German  nobleman,  who  having,  during  the  absence  of 
his  father,  sold  one  of  the  celebrated  pictures  belonging 
to  the  old  castle,  which  was  an  heir-loom,  to  conceal  the 
deficiency,  placed  some  of  his  companions  behind  the 
frame,  so  as  to  imitate  the  missing  picture,  and  to 
deceive  his  father,  who  passed  through  the  room  without 
being  conscious  of  his  loss. 

"  A  tableau  vivant  may  be  formed  in  two  ways :  it 
may  consist  of  a  group  of  persons,  who  take  some  well- 
known  subject  in  history  or  fiction  to  illustrate,  and  who 
form  a  group  to  tell  the  story  ac-cording  to  their  own 
taste ;  or,  it  may  be  a  copy,  as  exact  as  circumstancef 


212  LADIES*   BOOK    OF   ETK.UETTE. 

will  permit,  of  some  celebrated  picture.  The  first  plan 
it  may  be  easily  imagined,  is  very  rarely  eiFcctive ;  since, 
as  ■we  find  that  even  the  best  masters  are  often  months, 
or  even  years,  before  they  can  arrange  a  group  satisfac 
torily  on  canvas,  it  is  not  probable  that  persons  who  arc 
not  artists  should  succeed  in  making  good  impromptu 
pictures.  Indeed,  it  has  been  observed,  that  artists 
themselves,  when  they  have  to  arrange  a  tableau  vivant, 
always  prefer  copying  a  picture  to  composing  one. 

•■'  Copying  a  real  picture,  by  placing  living  persons  in 
the  positions  of  the  figures  indicated  in  the  picture,  ap- 
pears, at  first  sight,  an  easy  task  enough  ;  and  the  effect 
ought  to  be  easily  attained,  as  there  can  be  no  bad  draw- 
ing, and  no  confused  light  and  shade,  to  destroy  the 
effect  of  the  grouping.  There  are,  however,  many  dif- 
ficulties to  conquer,  which  it  requires  some  knowledge 
of  art  to  be  aware  of.  Painting  being  on  a  flat  surface, 
every  means  are  taken  to  give  roundness  and  relief  to 
the  figures,  which  qualities  of  course  are  found  naturally 
in  a  tableau  vivant.  In  a,  picture  the  light  is  made 
effective  by  a  dark  shadow  placed  near  it ;  diminished 
lights  or  demi-tints  are  introduced  to  prevent  the  princi- 
pal light  appearing  a  spot ;  and  these  are  linked  together 
by  artful  shades,  which  show  the  outline  in  some  places, 
an d^  hide  it  in  others.  The  colors  must  also  be  carefully 
arranged,  so  as  to  blend  or  harmonize  with  each  other. 
A.  want  of  attention  to  these  minute  points  will  be  suffi- 
cient to  destroy  the  effect  of  the  finest  picture,  even  to 
those  who  are  so  unacquainted  with  art  as  to  be  incapable 
of  explaining  why  they  are  dissatisfied,  except  hj  an  in- 
voluntary liking  or  disliking  of  what  they  see. 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  21 S 

"  The  best  place  for  putting  up  a  tableau  vivant  ia  in  a 
i^or-way,  with  an  equal  space  on  each  side ;  or,  at  least, 
some  space  on  both  sides  is  necessary ;  and  if  there  is  a 
room  or  a  passage  between  the  door  selected  for  the 
picture  and  the  room  the  company  is  to  see  it  from,  so 
much  the  better,  as  there  should  be  a  distance  of  at  least 
four  yards  between  the  first  row  of  the  spectators  and 
the  picture.  It  must  be  remembered  that,  while  the 
tableau  is  being  shown,  nearly  all  the  lights  must  be  put 
out  in  the  room  where  the  company  is  assembled ;  and, 
perhaps,  only  one  single  candle,  properly  placed,  in  the 
intervening  space  between  the  company  and  the  tableau, 
must  be  left  slightly  to  illuminate  the  frame.  In  the 
above-mentioned  door-way  a  frame,  somewhat  smallei 
than  the  original  picture,  must  be  suspended,  three,  four, 
or  even  five  feet  from  the  floor,  as  may  suit  the  height 
of  the  door ;  or,  if  the  door  is  not  very  high,  the  frame 
may  be  put  one  or  two  feet  behind,  to  gain  space ;  but 
care  must  be  taken  to  fill  up  the  opening  that  would,  in 
that  case,  show  between  the  door-way  and  the  frame ; 
also  a  piece  of  dark  cloth  ought  to  be  put  from  the  bottom 
of  the  frame  to  the  ground,  to  give  the  appearance  of  the 
picture  hanging  on  the  wall.  The  most  important  thing 
is,  that  the  chairs  or  tables  ought  to  be  placed  behind 
the  frame,  so  that  the  persons  who  are  to  represent  the 
tableau  may  sit  or  stand  as  nearly  in  the  position,  with 
regard  to  the  frame,  as  the  figures  appear  to  do  in  the 
real  picture  they  are  trying  to  imitate,  and  at  about  two 
feet  from  the  frame,  so  that  the  light  which  is  attached 
to  the  back  of  the  frame  may  fall  properly  on  the  figures. 
In  order  to  accomplish  this,  great  study  and  contrivance 


214  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

are  required,  so  that  the  shades  may  fall  in  precisely  th€ 
eame  places  as  in  the  original  picture ;  and  sometimes 
the  light  is  put  on  one  side,  sometimes  on  the  other,  and 
often  on  the  top ;  and  sometimes  shades  of  tin  or  paper 
are  put  between  the  lights  and  the  tableaux,  to  assist  in 
throwing  a  shadow  over  any  particular  part.  The  back- 
ground is  one  of  the  most  important  parts,  and  should  be 
made  to  resemble  that  of  the  picture  as  nearly  as  possible ; 
if  it  is  dark,  coarse  cloth  absorbs  the  light  best;  but 
whether  it  is  to  be  black,  blue,  or  brown,  must  depend  on 
the  tint  of  the  picture ;  should  the  background  be  a  light 
one,  colored  calico,  turned  on  the  wrong  side,  is  generally 
used.  If  trees  or  flowers  form  the  background,  of  course 
real  branches  or  plants  must  be  introduced  to  imitate 
those  in  the  picture.  Even  rocks  have  been  imitated: 
and  spun  glass  has  often  successfully  represented  water. 
A  thin,  black  gauze,  black  muslin,  or  tarlatan  veil,  should 
be  fastened  to  the  top  of  the  frame,  on^the  outside  of  it, 
through  which  the  tableau  is  to  be  seen. 

"  Care  ought  to  be  taken  to  conceal  the  peculiarities 
of  the  different  materials  used  in  the  draperies,  and  it  is 
even  sometimes  necessary  to  cover  the  stuffs  used  for  the 
purpose  with  a  guaze  of  a  different  color,  so  as  to  imitate 
the  broken  and  transparent  colors  found  in  most  good 
pictures.  This,  carefully  attended  to,  will  give  a  quiet- 
ness and  simplicity  to  the  whole,  which  will  greatly  add 
to  the  illusion." 

The  next  subject  upon  the  list  of  accomplishments, 
should  be  filled  by  some  words  upon  fancy  sewing. 
Under  this  head  will  come — Crochet,  Knitting,  Tapestry 
work,    Embroidery,   Chenille    work.    Netting,    Canvas 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  215 

work,  Berlin  wool  work,  Frame  work,  Braiding,  Bead 
work,  etc. 

Small  social  gatherings  will  be  much  more  entertain- 
ing, the  time  will  pass  much  more  quickly,  and  the  con> 
versation  flows  more  freely  if  the  fingers  are  employe i 
with  some  light  work.  » 

Pretty  presents — nay,  beautiful  ones — may  be  made 
in  this  way,  when  the  fingers  would  otherwise  be  idle, 
and  these  will  have  an  additional  value  in  being  the  work 
of  your  own  hands. 

From  the  most  remote  ages  needlework  has  been,  not 
only  a  source  of  pecuniary  advantage  for  poor  women,  but 
also  of  pleasant  pastime  for  the  rich.  It  is  one  of  the  most 
elegant  of  the  imitative  art,  and  from  time  immemorial 
it  has  been  an  amusement  for  otherwise  idle  fingers,  from 
the  cottage  to  the  palace. 

I  have  not  space  for  a  long  disquisition  upon  the  uses 
and  pleasures  of  fancy  work  ;  every  woman  has  moments 
when  such  pretty  playwork  will  be  a  valuable  recreation. 
The  taste  for  fancy  work  increases  daily,  and  can  be 
made  not  only  ornamental,  but  useful.  A  ladies'  ward- 
robe consists  of  so  many,  and  such  varied  objects,  that 
the  evenings  of  an  entire  winter  may  be  spent  in  making 
various  useful  garments,  which  are,  at  the  same  time, 
suitable  for  company  sewing.  Opera  hoods,  wool  shawls, 
sleeves,  Sontags,  and  other  ladies'  articles,  may  be  varied 
by  embroidering  smoking  caps,  slippers,  or  handkerchiefs 
for  gentlemen. 

Embroidering  on  canvas,  or  tapestry  work,  cpens  a 
Urge  field  for  taste  and  skill  in  execution.     Beautifu' 


216         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

articles  for  presents,  chair  covers,  sofa  cushions,  slippers, 
may  be  worked  in  the  otherwise  idle  moments  spent  in 
familiar  society,  and  the  fingers  will  soon  acquire  skill 
and  astonishing  rapidity. 

The  German  ladies  have  constantly  on  hand  a  piece 
of  netting  or  other  fancy  work,  which  they  carry  from 
place  to  place,  and  take  out  when  conversing ;  and  so 
far  from  entirely  engrossing  their  thoughts,  they  chat 
more  readily  and  freely  with  their  fingers  thus  em 
ployed. 

American  ladies  will  find  the  custom  worth  imitating. 
Many  tedious  hours  will  be  smoothly,  pleasantly 
passed,  with  the  mind  free,  but  the  fingers  pleasantly 
occupied. 

An  evening  passed  in  sewing  or  knitting,  with  one 
good  reader  to  entertain  the  industrious  workers,  will  be 
found  very  pleasant.  I  have  known  a  circle  of  young 
people  meet  every  week  to  work  in  this  way,  the  reader 
being  changed  twice  or  three  times  in  the  course  of  the 
evening,  and  these  meetings  have  proved  so  pleasant, 
that  scarcely  any  member  failed  to  plead  *'  prior  engage- 
ment" if  invited  out  upon  the  evening  appointed  to  read 
and  sew. 

It  was  formerly  objected  by  the  adversaries  to  mental 
cultivation  in  women,  that  the  acquirement  of  book  learn- 
ing would  make  them  neglect  needlework  ;  but  so  far 
from  this  being  the  case,  the  present,  which  is  often 
called  the  age  of  learning,  is  preeminently  a  working  age. 
Never  were  fingers  more  actively  engaged  than  those  cf 
the   rising   female    generation;    braiding,    embroidery, 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  217 

Berlin  work,  knitting,  netting,  and  crocliet,  are  all  in 
full  play.  A  long  neglected  work  has  been  recently  re- 
vived, called  by  the  French  "La  Frivolity."  It  is  very 
pretty  evening  work,  partly  because  it  does  not  impede 
conversation,  for  it  may  be  carried  on  almost  without 
looking  at  it,  and  partly  because  no  other  work  shows  to 
so  much  advantage  the  grace  and  delicacy  of  the  hands. 
The  most  simple  form  of  this  work  was  anciently  known 
under  the  name  of  Tatting,  but  that  only  consisted  of  a 
series  of  loops  in  a  straight  line,  which  were  used  for 
trimming  linen  articles,  and  which  was  not  so  pretty  as 
La  Frivolity,  which  has  varieties  which  are  a  good  imita- 
tion of  point,  and  may  be  used  for  collars  and  sleeves. 

I  give  a  few  specimens  of  pretty  work  for  evening 
sewing,  and  refer  the  reader  to  "  The  Ladies'  Hand- 
book of  Embroidery,"  published  by  G.  G.  Evans,  for  a 
full,  complete  description  of  every  kind  of  fancy  work, 
with  specimens,  patterns,  and  clear,  plain  directions. 

Netted  Cuffs — These  cuffs  are  very  pretty,  and 
easy  to  make.  They  are  in  plain  netting,  and  will 
require  white,  and  five  shades  of  scarlet  wool. 

Set  on  thirty-five  stitches  of  the  white  wool.  Net  five 
rows,  then  take  a  mesh  a  very  little  larger,  and  widen  by 
netting  two  stitches  in  every  stitch.  Then  net  with  the 
smallest  mesh  the  two  lightest  shades,  one  row  of  each, 
and  two  rows  of  the  other  three  shades.  Then  graduate 
the  shades  back  again  to  white,  narrowing  the  first  row 
of  white  with  the  larger  mesh.  Net  ten  rows  with  the 
smaller  mesh,  widen  again,  repeat  the  shades  of  red, 
narrow  a^ain,  and  fin'sh  with  the  five  rows  of  white. 


218  LADIES     300K    OF  ETIQUETTE. 

KNITTED     OPERA     CAP. 

Materials  required—  Half  an  ounce  of  white  and 
half  an  ounce  of  shaded  Berlin  wool  will  be  sufficient. 

Cast  on  a  hundred  stitches  with  white  wool,  and  knit 
and  pearl  alternately  for  four  rows. 

Shaded  wool — Knit  one  row  plain ;  next  row  bring 
forward,  and  take  two  together  to  the  end. 

Wliite  wool — Knit  and  pearl  alternately  four  rows. 

Shaded  wool — Knit  plain  six  rows. 

White  wool — Knit  a  row,  decreasing  it  by  taking  the 
first  two  stitches  together,  and  the  last  two.  Pearl  a 
row.     Knit  a  row,  decreasing  it  as  before.     Pearl  a  row. 

Shaded  wool — Knit  a  row,  decreasing  at  the  beginning 
and  end.  Next  row,  bring  forward  and  take  two  to- 
gether to  the  end. 

White  wool — Knit  a  row,  decreasing  at  both  ends. 
Pearl  a  row.  Knit  a  row,  decreasing  as  before.  Pearl 
a  row. 

FOR  the  pattern  IN  THE  CENTRE  OF  THB 

CAP. 

Shaded  wool — Ist  row — Slip  one.  Knit  two  plain 
stitches  {a.)  Wool  forward.  Knit  one.  Wool  forward. 
Knit  two  together.  Knit  one.  Knit  two  together. 
Repeat  from  {a.) 

2nd  row — Pearled. 

3rt?  row — Slip  one.  Knit  two  plain  stitches  (5.) 
Wool  forward.  Knit  three  plain  stitches.  Wool  for- 
ward. Slip  one.  Knit  two  together.  Pass  the 
stitch  over  the  knitted  one?      Repeat  from  (6.) 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  21d 

Ath  row — ^Pearled. 

l)th  row — Slip  one.  Knit  two  plain  stitches,  (c.) 
Wool  forward.  Knit  two  together.  Knit  one.  Knit 
two  together.  Wool  forward.  Knit  one.  Repeat 
from  (c.) 

Qth  row — Pearled. 

*lth  row — Slip  one.  Knit  two  plain  stitches  {d,\ 
Wool  forward.  Slip  one.  Knit  two  together.  Pass 
the  slipped  stitch  over  the  knitted  ones.  Wool  forward. 
Knit  three  plain  stitches.     Repeat  from  {d.) 

8th  row — Pearled.     Repeat  the  last  eight  rows. 

White  wool — Knit  and  pearl  alternately  for  four  rows ; 
decrease  at  the  beginning  and  ending  of  the  two  plain 
rows. 

Shaded  wool — Knit  one  plain  row;  decrease  at  the 
beginning  and  ending.  Next  row ;  bring  the  wool  for- 
ward, knit  two  together  to  the  end  of  the  row. 

White  wool — Knit  and  pearl  alternately  for  four  rows ; 
decrease  at  the  beginning  and  ending  of  the  two  plain 
rows. 

Knit  eighteen  plain  stitches,  run  a  piece  of  cotton 
through  the  remaining  sixty-two  stitches.  Pearl  and 
knit  alternately,  decreasing  at  the  beginning  and  ending 
of  every  plain  row,  until  you  have  four  stitches  remain- 
ng ;  cast  them  off ;  then  take  up  eighteen  stitches  on  the 
opposite  sides,  and  work  a  piece  to  correspond ;  leaving 
forty-four  centre  stitches  on  the  cotton. 

Take  up  the  centre  stitches  on  a  needle  pointed  at 
both  ends,  draw  the  cotton  out ;  then  pick  up  fourteen 
BtHches  at  each  end  of  the  needle. 

Shaded  wool — Knit  two  plain  rows. 


220         LADIES*  BOOK  OP  ETIQUETTE. 

White  wool — Knit  one  plain  row.  Next  row ;  woo! 
forward,  knit  two  together  to  the  end  of  the  row. 

Shaded  wool — Knit  two  plain  rows  and  cast  off.  Join 
the  two  points  together  at  the  back  of  the  cap.  Fold 
the  front  at  the  first  pattern  row,  and  hem  it  to  form  the 
scallop  at  the  edge.  Pick  up  eighty  stitches  at  the  back 
of  the  cap. 

AN  ECONOMICAL  POINT  COLLAR. 
It  is  well  known  that  worked  muslin  collars,  particu- 
larly if  the  work  is  good,  very  soon  wear  out ;  as  the 
work  is  too  heavy  for  the  muslin,  which,  when  it  has 
been  washed  two  or  three  times,  becomes  full  of  slits  and 
holes,  though  the  work  is  still  as  good  as  ever.  When 
this  is  the  case,  cut  the  muslin  off  the  work  with  a  pair 
of  sharp  scissors,  and  lay  the  work  on  the  pattern  of  a 
collar  cut  in  paper,  so  as  to  fill  the  whole  of  the  pat- 
tern. The  work  may  be  taken  from  two  or  three 
collars ;  the  arrangement  of  it  must  depend  upon  taste. 
When  the  cut-out  work  is  properly  arranged,  it  must 
be  tacked  or  basted  to  the  paper  pattern ;  and  this 
is  best  done  with  colored  thread,  that  no  mistake  may 
arise  when  the  basting  threads  are  to  be  drawn  out. 
Four  or  six  threads  are  then  dra^n  from  one  piece  of 
work  to  another,  with  a  needle  and  cotton,  so  as  to  at- 
tach them  together,  and  the  loose  threads  are  then  over- 
cast like  button-holes,  so  as  to  imitate  the  uniting 
threads  of  point  lace.  When  well  done,  with  a  sufiicient 
quantity  of  the  uniting  threads,  to  make  the  work  firm, 
these  collars  are  handsome,  and  will  wash  and  weaj 
well. 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  221 

KNITTED     VEILS. 

It  is  now  customary  to  knit  white  veils  of  what  is 
called  Lady  Betty's  wool,  for  babies  to  put  over  their 
faces  when  they  are  carried  out  in  cold  weather,  instead 
of  pocket-handkerchiefs,  which  were  formerly  used  for 
the  purpose,  though  they  were  very  unfit  for  it.  Knitted 
veils  in  black  silk  or  worsted  are  also  worn  by  grown-up 
persons.  The  veils  for  babies  are  very  simple  in  their 
construction  ;  they  consist  of  oblong  pieces  of  knitting 
of  any  width  and  depth  that  may  be  required,  with 
knitted  lace  at  the  bottom  and  sides,  and  a  string  case 
at  the  top.     The  following  pattern  is  the  most  common : 

Knit  and  pearl  alternately  four  rows,  so  that  there 
may  be  two  of  each ;  then  bring  forward  and  take  two 
together  an  entire  row.  This  pattern  is  repeated  through 
the  entire  veil ;  and  it  must  be  observed,  that  as  many 
stitches  must  be  cast  on  as  will  make  it  of  the  necessary 
width.  The  kneedles  should  be  of  the  smallest  size,  of 
bone.  Any  lace  will  do ;  but  the  following  pattern, 
though  not  new,  is  both  pretty  and  suitable ;  and  has, 
besides,  the  important  recomendation  of  being  very  easy 

Cast  on  eleven  stitches  and  knit  a  row  plain,  then  be- 
gin the  pattern. 

Ist  row — Knit  three  ;  bring  forward  and  take  two  to- 
gether ;  knit  one,  take  two  together ;  put  the  thread 
twice  round  the  needle,  take  two  together,  and  knit  one. 

2nd  row — Knit  two,  pearl  one,  knit  one,  put  the  thread 
twico  round  the  needle,  take  two  together,  bring  forward, 
and  knit  five. 

Brd  row — Knit  three,  bring  forward,  take  two  together, 


222  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

knit  one,  bring  forward,  knit  two,  pearl  one,  biing  f(T 
ward,  take  two  together,  and  knit  two. 

4ith  row — Knit  two,  bring  forward,  knit  five,  bring  for« 
ward,  take  two  together,  knit  five. 

bth  row — Knit  three,  bring  forward,  and  take  tw3  to- 
gether, knit  the  rest  plain. 

%ih  row — Cast  off  four,  and  knit  the  rest  plain. 

HINTS     TO     CKOCHE  T-W  0  R  K  E  R  S . 

Examine  carefully  the  form  of  the  needle,  and  try  the 
hook,  to  ascertain  that  it  is  perfectly  smooth.  Some  are 
BO  sharp  and  ill-made  as  to  tear  the  cotton.  Select  those 
which  are  not  of  uniform  thickness  up  to  the  hook ;  the 
best  are  those  which  are  thinner  there  than  an  inch  far- 
ther up.  Where  the  needle  is  not  proportionally  fine 
near  the  hook,  it  is  almost  impossible  to  keep  the  work 
even. 

Chain  stitch  ought  to  be  done  rather  loosely,  as  work- 
ing on  it  afterwards  contracts  it,  and  is  apt  to  give  it 
a  puckered  appearance.  It  is  often  advisable  to  use  a 
needle  one  size  larger  for  making  the  chain  than  for 
the  rest  of  the  work,  especially  in  edgings.  It  will  be 
found  much  easier  to  work  the  succeeding  rows  when  this 
precaution  is  taken.  Crochet  needles  should  be  kept  in 
a  housewife  simil^>r  to  those  used  for  ordinary  needles. 
Q^he  slightest  soil  or  rust  should  be  effaced  with  fine  sand- 
paper 

OR>TA MENTAL   NET   FOR   THE    HAIR. 

Take  t«^/^o  pieces  of  fine  silk  braid,  scarlet  or  rcya) 
blu'>,  flud  a  No.  3  bone  crochet  hook. 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  228 

Make  a  chain  of  eight  stitches,  unite  the  ends,  and 
then  D.  c.  the  first  round,  putting  two  stitches  into  each 
loop ;  there  will  now  be  sixteen  stitches  and  in  the  next 
round  one  long  must  be  worked  into  every  stitch,  and 
two  chain  between  each  long ;  the  round  will  now  consist 
of  fortj-eight  stitches,  and  we  commence  the  pattern,  or 
diamonds. 

Srd  round — Three  long,  two  chain,  four  long  with  two 
chain  after  each,  and  these  long  put  into  every  second 
loop ;  repeat. 

4:th  round — Five  long,  two  chain,  five  long  with  two 
chain  after  each,  and  these  long  put  into  every  second 
loop  with  the  exception  of  the  fifth  or  last  of  them, 
which  must  skip  two  stitches  instead  of  one;  repeat. 

5th  round — Seven  long,  two  chain,  seven  long  with 
two  chain  after  each,  and  each  of  these  long  put  into 
every  second  stitch ;  repeat. 

6th  round — Five  long,  two  chain,  fi've  long  with  two 
chain  after  each,  and  each  of  these  long  put  into  every 
other  stitch,  three  long,  two  chain,  five  long  again  with 
two  chain  after  each,  and  each  put  into  every  second 
stitch ;  repeat  from  beginning. 

7th  round — Three  long,  two  chain,  five  long  with  two 
chain  after  each  and  worked  in  every  third  loop,  five 
long,  two  chain,  five  long  again  with  two  chain  after  each, 
and  these  long  worked  as  aforesaid  in  every  third  loop ; 
repeat  from  beginning. 

8th  round — One   long,  two  chain,  five  long  with  two 
chain  after  each  and  these  long  put  into  every  third 
stitch,  seven  long,  two  chain,  again  five  long,  &c.  &c. 
repeat  from  beginning. 


224  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

9<A  round — Six  long  with  two  chain  after  each  and 
work  in  every  third  stitch,  (five  long,  twelve  long  with 
two  chain  after  each,  these  long  put  in  every  thira 
stitch) ;  repeat  the  pattern  in  brackets. 

lOth  round — Nine  long  with  two  chain  after  them, 
these  long  being  worked  in  every  second  loop,  (three 
long,  two  chain,  nineteen  long  with  two  chain  after  them, 
and  the  long  worked  in  every  second  loop) ;  repeat  the 
pattern  in  brackets. 

l\th,  12th,  and  IBth  rounds — A  long  and  two  chain 
all  round,  and  the  long  being  worked  alternately  in  every 
second  and  third  loop ;  care  being  taken  to  bring  one 
into  the  position  to  complete  each  diamond  as  it  is  come 

10. 

A  crochet  edging,  begun  with  braid,  and  the  last  two 
or  three  rows  worked  with  gold  twist  as  nearly  the  size 
of  the  braid  as  may  be,  and  a  cord  and  tassels,  finish  off 
this  elegant  head-dress. 

The  cord  should  be  run  in  and  out  through  the  thir- 
teenth round.  We,  however,  prefer  a  single-crochet 
band  of  some  fifty  stitches  long  and  six  or  eight  wide, 
worked  in  the  same  material  as  the  net,  to  a  cord,  and 
this  band  may  be  finished  off  with  a  piece  of  gold  fringe 
instead  of  tassels  at  the  ends,  or  with  a  scallop  of  edging 
crocheted  in  gold  twist. 

DRESS  GLOVEBANDS;   FULL  OR  FRILLED 
SHAPE. 

Take  three  pieces  of  fine  embroidery  chenille,  and  a 
No.  3  bone  crochet  hook. 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  22S 

Make  a  chain  of  about  forty  stitches,  or  one  long 
enough  to  go  round  the  wrist ;  Dc  one  row. 

Zrd  row — Two  long,  one  chain  and  miss  a  stitch — re- 
peat this  all  along.     Then  one  row  Dc. 

6th  row — Long  crochet  worked  veri/  loosely,  so  much 
so  as  to  leave  these  stitches  at  least  half  an  inch  high ; 
two  stitches  to  be  put  into  every  second  or  third  loop 
and  one  in  each  of  the  others  all  the  way  along ;  fasten 
off. 

Join  the  chenille  now  on  to  the  first  row,  and  work  a 
similar  row  or  frill  to  the  one  just  directed,  so  that  there 
De  one  on  each  side. 

Run  a  narrow  velvet  through  the  holes  of  the  third 
row  and  affix  wider  velvet  ends,  or  chenille  tassels  to 
each  extremity.  Finish  off  with  a  button  and  loop,  and 
flute  the  frill  on  each  side  over  the  finger  to  make  it  set. 

We  need  scarcely  say  that  the  chenille  used  should  be 
Belected  to  match  or  agree  with  the  evening  dress,  and 
that  the  velvet  must  match  the  chenille. 

These  bands  may  be  made  to  look  very  handsome  by 
working  a  row  of  Dc  loosely  and  evenly  along  the  edge 
of  each  frill  with  gold  or  silver  twist,  and  running  a 
band  of  gold  or  silver  braid  or  trimming  through  the 
holes  in  the  third  row  instead  of  velvet.  Then  small 
bullion  tassels  to  match  the  twist  will  form  a  suitable  and 
elegant  finish. 

These  bands  may  be  worked  round  and  slid  over  the 
hand  like  muffatees,  or  made  open  as  we  have  directed 
and   buttoned,  like  the  glove.     The  buttons  should  b« 
covered  with  crochet,  and  the  loops  crocheted. 
15 


226  LADIES     BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 


KNITTED    UNDER    HABIT    SHIRT. 

Three  ounces  of  Three  thread  White  Fleecy  Wool, 
lair  of  No.  10  Bone  Knitting  Pins.  Cast  on  fortj-fire 
stitches. 

Knit  three  rows. 

^th  row — Knit  ten;^  X  make  two  and  knit  two  to- 
gether ;  knit  one ;   X  knit  the  Itist  six  stitches. 

bth  row — Knit,  dropping  the  second  of  each  of  tho 
two  made  stitches  all  along. 

Knit  eight  rows. 

l^ih  row — Knit  ten ;  X  make  one  and  knit  two  to- 
gether X  repeat  until  six  remain ;  knit  three ;  make 
one ;  knit  three.  ^ 

Ibth  row — Knit  six ;  X  make  one  and  knit  two  to- 
gether X  repeat  until  ten  remain,  which  knit. 

Repeat  these  two  rows  three  times  more  each,  only  not 
enlarging  one  (as  in  the  end  of  row  fourteen),  every  time, 
but  only  once  in  four  rows,  merely  knitting  the  six  in 
the  intervening  rows. 

22wc?  row — Knit.     Knit  the  next  seven  rows. 

%^ih  row — Same  as  14^A. 

31»^  row — Same  as  Ibth, 

Keep  on  alternately  knitting  eight  open,  and  then 
eight  knitted  rows,  and  enlarging  one  stitch  at  the  e«d  ip 
every  fourth  row  until  there  are  a  hundred  and  twenty 
four  rows. 

Then  decrease  one  stitch  at  the  beginning  or  front  in 
every  other  row  for  thirty-two  rows,  still  continuing  the 
pattern  as  before,  and  still  enlarging  one  stitch  in  every 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS  221 

fourth  row,  at  the  end  or  back.  This  shapes  one  side  of 
the  neck. 

Now  knit  fortj-eight  rows  without  increase  or  decrease 
at  either  end,*  continuing  the  pattern  or  alternation  of 
eight  open  and  eight  plain  knitted  rows.  This  forms  the 
back  of  the  neck  and  the  bottom  of  the  back  of  the  habit- 
shirt. 

In  the  next  thirty-two  rows  we  diminish  one  in  every 
fourth  row,  by  knitting  two  together  at  the  back,  while 
at  the  same  time  in  every  fourth  row,  at  the  back,  we 
knit  two  together,  and  make  one  in  order  to  form  a  series 
of  holes,  or  pattern  parallel  to  that  on  the  other  side 
caused  by  enlarging  in  every  fourth  row.  We  also  cast 
on  one,  at  the  opposite  end,  in  every  other  row,  to  shape 
the  second  side  of  the  neck.  We  then  knit  one  hundred 
and  twelve  rows,  having  each  ten  knitted  stitches  in  the 
front  of  the  habit-shirt,  as  on  the  opposite  side,  and  six  at 
the  back,  and  decreasing  one  in  every  fourth  row,  at  the 
back,  and  continuing  the  pattern,  and  also  the  series  of 
holes  at  the  back. 

Knit  eight  rows. 

Knit  ten  stitches,  X  make  two  and  knit  two  together; 
X  knit  six  at  end. 

Knit  all,  dropping  the  second  of  each  of  the  two  made 
stitches.     Knit  two  rows  ;  cast  off. 

Now,  with  same  needles,  pick  up  the  stitches  all  along 
the  right  front  of  the  habit-shirt ;  knit  two  rows  and  cast 
off.  Do  the  same  on  the  left  front.  Then  pick  up  those 
of  the  neck,  and  do  the  same,  shaping  it,  if  necessary, 
by  knitting  two  together  occasionally.  These  finishing- 
off  rows  look  pretty  done  in  pale  pink  or  blue  wool. 


228  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Button-holes  may  be  made  thus : — in  the  front  or  where 
the  ten  stitches  are,  and  about  once  in  thirty  rows,  knit 
three ;  cast  off  four ;  knit  three  instead  of  knitting  the 
ten  as  usual.  Next  row,  when  we  get  back  to  the  ten 
stitches,  knit  three ;  cast  on  four ;  knit  three. 

infant's    knitted   socks. 

Half  an  ounce  of  White  Lamb's  Wool.  Three  No. 
13  Knitting  Needles.     Cast  on  Thirty  stitches. 

Ist  row — Knit. 

2nd  row — Knit  two ;  make  or  enlarge  one  stitch  by 
picking  up  one  from  the  previous  row  and  knitting  it ; 
knit  all  the  rest. 

Srd  row — Knit.  Repeat  second  and  third  rows  alter- 
nately four  times  more  each  of  them. 

12th  roiv — Knit  two ;  make  a  stitch  according  to  di- 
rections above  given ;  knit  rest  until  four  remain ;  knit 
two  together ;  knit  two. 

13^/i  roiv — Knit.  Repeat  these  two  rows  alternately 
three  times  more  each. 

20t}i  row — Knit  two  ;  enlarge  one  as  before  directed ; 
knit  rest  until  two  remain ;   enlarge  one ;  knit  two. 

2l8t  row — Knit.  Repeat  these  two  rows  alternately 
three  more  times  each. 

28f  A  row — Knit. 

2^th  row — Knit  fourteen  stitches,  and  leave  the  other 
upon  the  needle.  Take  up  the  third  needle  and  knit 
twenty  rows  more,  of  fourteen  stitches  each. 

4Qihrow — Knit  two  together;  knit  twelve;  on  same 
needle,  and  with  same  wool,  cast  on  twenty-seven 
stitches, 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  220 

50th  row    -Knit. 

51«^  row-  -Knit  two ;  knit  two  together ;  knit  rest 
until  four  remain  ;  knit  two  together  ;  knit  two. 

d2nd  row — Knit.  Repeat  these  two  rows  alternately 
twice  more  each. 

67th  row — Knit  two ;  make  one  in  manner  directed ; 
knit  rest  until  four  remain ;  knit  two  together ;  knit  two. 

5Sth  row — Knit.  Repeat  these  two  rows  alternately 
three  times  more  each. 

65th  roio — Knit  all  until  four  remain ;  knit  two  to- 
gether ;  knit  two. 

66th  row — Knit.  Repeat  these  two  rows  alternately 
four  more  times  each. 

15th  row — Knit. 

*l6th  row — Cast  off. 

This  completes  the  slipper  portion  of  the  sock.  We 
now  hegin  the  instep-piece.  Take  the  wool  and  knit  off 
ten  stitches  from  the  needle  on  which  the  twenty-seven 
stitches  were  left;  knit  these  ten  from  the  toe-end,  or 
that  where  the  twenty  rows  of  fourteen  stitches  each  has 
been  made;  leave  the  remaining  seventeen  stitches  still 
on  the  same  needle.  Knit  twenty  rows  of  ten  stitches, 
and  in  every  other  one  pick  up  the  edge-stitch  of  the 
toe-piece  and  knit  it  with  the  tenth  stitch,  so  as  to  unite 
these  two  portions,  viz :  the  toe  and  the  instep.  With 
each  stitch  of  the  twentieth  row,  an  edge-stitch  of  the 
side  at  the  toe-end  of  the  slipper  must  be  picked  up, 
knitted  and  cast  off,  and  a  neat  and  entire  union  of  the 
toe  of  the  slipper  and  the  instep  piece  formed. 

This  instep  piece  is  to  be  ribbed  in  rows  of  four,  viz  • 


280  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

four  rows  in  which  the  plain  side  is  uppermost,  and  four 
rows  in  which  the  pearled  side  is  uppermost. 

We  noV  commence  the  leg  portion  of  the  sock. 

With  the  needle  which  has  been  left  in  the  first  side 
of  the  slipper  carefully  pick  up  the  edge-stitches  all 
along  the  instep-piece  and  side  of  the  slipper ;  when  this 
is  done,  there  should  be  about  fifty  on  the  needle.  lake 
the  wool  and  knit  all  along,  including  the  picked  up 
stitches,  and  the  seventeen  originally  on  the  needle. 
Knit  two  rows. 

4ith  row — Knit  two  ;  X  make  two  (not  by  picking  up, 
out  in  the  ordinary  way,  by  passing  the  wool  twice  over 
ihe  needle),  and  knit  two  together ;  knit  one ;  X  repeat. 

^th  row — Knit  all ;  casting  off  one  of  each  of  the 
double  made  stitches.  Now  knit  twenty  rows  ribbed  like 
the  instep-piece. 

2Qih  row — X  Knit  one ;  make  one  and  knit  two  to- 
gether ;   X  repeat  all  round. 

21th  row — Knit. 

I^th  row — Knit  two ;  X  make  one  and  knit  two  to* 
gether ;  knit  one  ;   X  repeat. 

29<A,  30^A,  and  31sf  rows— Kmt. 

^2nd  row — Cast  off. 

Take  a  wool  needle,  thread  it  with  wool,  and  sew  up 
the  sock  neatly,  stitch  for  stitch,  from  the  top  of  the  leg 
to  the  point  of  the  sole ;  then  sew  the  toe  ;  turn  it ;  put 
on  a  little  rosette  of  raveled  wool ;  run  a  ribbon  in  and 
out  through  the  holes  at  rows  4  and  5,  of  the  leg  portion, 
and  it  is  completed. 

As  this  is  intended  for  an  Infant's  Sock,  we  have  or- 
dered white  wool,  that  being   most  useful ;  should  it 


ACCOMPLISHMENTS.  '  231 

however,  be  wished  to  knit  socks  for  an  older  baby,  the 
slipper  may  be  made  of  Cerise,  Scarlet,  Pale  Blue, 
Green,  or  Straw-colored  wool ;  and  the  26th,  27th,  and 
28th  rows,  of  the  leg  portion,  and  the  casting-oif  done  in 
the  color  of  the  slipper ;  while  the  instep-piece  and  the 
rest  of  the  sock  are  made  in  white  wool. 

The  sock  may  also  be  enlarged  by  casting  on  extra 
stitches  in  the  beginning,  and  adding  a  couple  of  rows  to 
each  of  the  divisions  of  the  slipper  part,  and  enough  to 
the  toe  to  preserve  its  form  and  symmetry. 

Almost  any  of  the  open  anti-maccassar  patterns  may 
be  used  for  knitting  the  sock  and  instep-piece,  if  a  light 
lace-like  appearance  is  desired.  The  well-km  wn  lose- 
leaf  pattern  looks  particularly  pretty. 


CHAPTER   XXII. 

SERVANTS. 

An  English  writer,  speaking  of  servants,  aajs  : — 
"  There  is  no  question  but  that  we  should  seek  to  pcj 
form  all  our  duties  without  hope  of  reco!  apense  ;  and 
yet,  as  regards  our  treatment  of  servants,  n^e  should  ?>e 
especially  careful  that,  in  endeavoring  v.*  make  their 
bodily  comfort  and  mental  improvement  an  object  of  con- 
sideration, we  do  not  allow  ourselves  to  dwell  on  the 
hope  of  gratitude  or  affection  from  them  in  return. 
Many  have  done  so,  and  having,  with  that  view,  been 
tempted  to  accord  unwise  indulgences  and  to  overlook 
serious  faults,  they  have  found  that,  far  from  gaining  the 
love  of  their  servants,  they  have  incurred  their  contempt; 
and  when  they  have  perceived  that  their  favors^  unap- 
preciated, have  led  but  to  new  encroachments,  they  have 
hardened  their  hearts  and  rushed  into  an  opposite  ex- 
treme. Then  they  have  considered  their  servants  as 
mere  machines,  from  which  labor  must  be  extorted  by  all 
available  means. 

"  A  man   servant  is  rarely  grateful,  and  seldom  at- 
tached.    He  is  generally  incapable  of  appreciating  those 

advantag"es  which,  with  your  cultivated  judgment,  you 
232 


SERVANTS.  238 

know  to  be  the  most  conducive  to  his  welfare.  Do  you 
accord  tohira  regular  hours,  a  stated  allowance  of  work; 
do  you  refrain  from  sending  him  out  because  it  is  wet 
and  he  is  unwell ;  do  you  serve  yourself  rather  than  ring 
for  him  at  dinner  time ;  he  will  rarely  have  the  grace  to 
thank  you  in  his  heart  for  your  constant  consideration. 
Hear  him !  He  will  thus  describe  a  comfortable  place  :— 
'  There  were  very  few  in  the  family ;  when  they  went 
out  of  a  night,  we  made  it  up  of  a  morning ;  we  had  nice 
hot  suppers,  and  the  cook  made  a  good  hash  for  break- 
fast, and  we  always  got  luncheon  between  that  and  din- 
ner ;  and  we  were  all  very  comfortable  together,  and  had 
a  friend  in  when  we  liked.  Master  swore  at  us  some- 
times, but  often  made  us  a  present  for  it  when  he  had 
been  very  violent ;  a  good-hearted  man  as  ever  lived,  and 
mistress  was  quite  the  lady,  and  never  meddled  with 
servants.     It  was  a  capital  place  !' 

"  Servants'  sympathies  are  with  their  equals.  They 
feel  for  a  poor  servant  fun  off  his  legs,  and  moped  to 
death  ;  they  have  no  feeling  for  a  pains-taking  mistress, 
economical  both  from  principle  and  scanty  means ;  they 
would  (most  of  them)  see  her  property  wasted,  and  her 
confidence  abused  without  compunction.  It  is  the  last 
effort  of  a  virtue  in  a  servant  if,  without  any  private 
reason^  he  should  discharge  his  duty  by.  informing  you 
of  the  injury  which  you  are  enduring  at  the  hands  of  his 
fellow  servant.  It  is  an  effort  of  virtue,  for  it  will  bring 
down  many  a  bitter  taunt  and  hard  word  upon  his  faith- 
ful head.  '  I  never  got  a  servant  out  of  a  place  by  tell- 
ing tales  on  him/  will  be  said  to  him.  Directly  a  ser 
vant  departs,  we   all  know,   tongues,   tied  before,  are 


234  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

loosed,  to  gain  our  favor  by  apparent  candor.  When  it 
can  avail  us  nothing,  we  are  told.  We  all  know  this,  and 
have  said,  *  Be  silent  now,  you  should  have  mentioned 
this  at  the  time.'  Supposing,  then,  you  have  the  rara 
aviSy  the  servant  that  '  speaks  at  the  time,'  be  chary  of 
him,  or  let  me  say  her,  (the  best  servants  are  women.) 
Oh !  as  you  value  her,  let  her  not  suppose  you  cannot 
part  with  her.  Treat  her  with  confidence,  but  with  strict 
impartiality ;  reprove  when  necessary,  mildly,  but  de- 
cidedly ;  lest  she  should  presume  (power  is  so  tempting), 
and  compel  you,  if  you  would  retain  your  freedom,  to  let 
her  go. 

"  There  is  one  thing  a  man  servant  values  beyoiid  all 
that  your  kindness  and  your  consideration  can  do  for 
him — his  liberty ;  liberty  to  eat,  drink,  and  be  merry, 
with  your  things  in  the  company  of  his'  own  friends ; 
liberty  to  get  the  housemaid  to  clean  his  candlesticks, 
and  bring  up  his  coals ;  and  the  housemaid  wishes  for 
liberty  to  lie  in  bed  in  the  morning,  because  she  was  up 
80  late  talking  to  John  in  the  pantry  ;  liberty  to  wear 
flounces  and  flowers.  The  cook  desires  liberty  too.  For 
this  liberty,  if  you  grant  it,  they  will  despise  you ;  if 
you  deny  it,  they  will  respect  you.  Aim  at  their  esteem ; 
despair  of  their  love  or  gratitude ;  make  your  place  what 
the  best  class  of  servants  will  value,  and,  though  in  their 
heart,  they  may  not  thank  you  for  it,  you  will  gain,  per- 
haps, one  servant  out  of  twenty  who  will  keep  gross  im- 
position and  gross  immorality  at  bay. 

*' These  remarks  can  never  be  intended  to  deny  the 
warm  attachment  of  female  servants  to  the  children  of 
their  employers.     Deep  love,  no  doubt,  is  lavished  by 


SERVANTS.  235 

many  a  woman  on  the  babe  she  has  nursed.  There  is  a 
great  deal  to  be  said  on  the  chapter  of  nurses  which 
would  require  to  be  dealt  with  by  itself.  Much  wisdom 
is  required  in  the  administration  of  a  nursery,  to  which 
few  general  rules  would  apply.  Cruel  is  the  tyranny  the 
nurse  frequently  practises  on  the  parent,  who  often  re- 
frains from  entering  her  nursery,  not  from  want  of  lovo 
to  her  children,  but  positive  dread  of  the  sour  looks  which 
greet  her.  Let  *her  be  firm,  let  no  shrinking  from 
grieving  her  darling,  who  would  *  break  his  heart  if  his 
Ndnna  went,'  deter  her  from  discharging  the  encroaching 
servant. 

"  I  know  a  lady  who  was  quietly  informed  by  her 
nurse  that  she  must  have  a  '  specified  hour'  for  visiting 
her  children,  for  that  her  entering  without  ceremony  was 
most  inconvenient.  The  poor  young  lady,  who  was  fully 
persuaded  her  delicate  infant  would  die,  if  removed  to  a 
stranger's  hands,  meekly  obeyed,  and  though  tortured  by 
the  cries  of  the  poor  sickly  baby,  never  dared  to  intrude 
lest  the  nurse  should  abandon  it.  This  is  a  true  history, 
and  the  sequel  may  as  well  be  given  :  that  the  nurse  xe- 
mained  seven  years,  at  the  end  of  which  time,  having 
become  insupportable,  though  really  devoted  to  the 
children,  she  gave  warning,  and,  though  it  cost  her 
mistress  bitter  tears  and  much  resolution,  she  was  suf- 
fered to  depart,  and  then  peace  entered  that  house." 

"  On  the  choice  of  servants  much  of  the  comfort  of  the 
jroung  housekeeper  depends.  It  often  happens  that  her 
choice  has  been  determined  by  appearance  rather  than 
the  value  of  character.  If  such  be  the  case,  she  will 
have  many  difficulties  to  encounter.     It  is,  in  the  present 


236  Li  DIES*    BOJK    OP   ETIQ,UETTE. 

day,  hardly  safe  to  take  a  servant  if  tliere  be  a  single 
objection  to  character,  however  it  may  be  glossed  over 
by  the  person  referred  to  on  this  point;  for  there  is  now 
an  unhealthy  disposition  to  pass  over  the  failings  of 
servants  who  have  left  their  places,  and  to  make  thera 
perfect  in  the  eyes  of  others.  In  respect  to  sobriety, 
many  people  will  riot  acknowledge  that  a  servant  had  had 
the  vice  of  drinking,  but  will  cover  the  unpleasant  truth 
in  such  gentle  and  plausible  terms  that  it  becomes  diffi- 
cult to  comprehend  how  far  the  hint  is  grounded,  or  not. 
Be  assured  when  a  lady  or  gentleman  hesitates  on  this 
point,  or  on  that  of  honesty,  it  is  wiser  not  to  engage  a 
servant.  Nor  are  you  deviating  from  Christian  charity 
in  not  overlooking  a  dereliction  of  so  material  a  sort. 
The  kindest  plan  to  the  vast  community  of  domestic 
servants  is  to  be  rigid  in  all  important  points,  and  having, 
after  a  due  experience,  a  just  confidence  in  them,  to  be 
somewhat  indulgent  to  errors  of  a  more  trivial  nature. 

*'  If  all  young  housekeepers  were  strict  upon  the  subject 
of  dress,  much  misery  to  servants  would  be  saved,  much 
temptatiofTa voided,  and  self-reproach  prevented.  Instead 
of  this  kind,  and  wise,  and  matronly  particularity,  a  type 
of  the  good,  old-fashioned  common  sense  of  our  grand- 
mothers, ladies  now  countenance  their  ladies'-maids  in 
discontinuing  caps,  or,  if  they  have  caps,  in  wearing 
flowers  and  lace,  flowered  gowns,  and  other  items  of 
little  apparent  moment  in  detail,  but  of  much  importance 
to  a  community  as  serviceable  to  the  public  when  well 
managed  and  respectable,  as  they  arle  odious  and  noxious 
when  immoral  or  insolent.  After  these  cruel  indulgences, 
ladies  marvel  when  they  find  servants  rise  above  their 


SERVANTS.  237 

Btation  and  that  they  will  not  bear  even  a  mild  reproof; 
they  wonder  that  a  plain,  useful  servant  is  nowhere  to  be 
met  with.  There  is  now  no  medium  between  the  fine 
lady  with  mittens  and  flowers  who  dresses  your  hair,  and 
the  dirty  sloven  of  a  lodging-house.  All  housemaids 
must  now  be  upper  housemaids ;  cooks  must  be  cooks 
aiv  I  housekeepers.  The  homely  housemaid — that  inval- 
uable character  in  her  way — is  indeed  diflBcult  to  bo 
found  ;  and,  at  a  time  when  cleanliness  is  at  its  zenith, 
the  rarity  is  to  discover  any  one  who  will  clean.  All, 
except  the  raw  country  girl,  expect  to  have  deputies ; 
and,  if  we  go  on  to  perfection  in  this  unhealthy  system, 
we  shall  soon  have  no  working  servants  above  twenty 
years  of  age.  The  consequence  is,  that  a  greater  num- 
ber of  servants  are  kept  in  every  household  than  for- 
merly in  similar  families  ;  many  of  these  menials  are 
oorrupted  by  congregating  together  and  by  idleness. 
The  loud  and  crying  complaints  of  the.worthlessness  of 
this  class  are  but  too  justly  founded.  That  they  are 
more  mercenary  than  ever,  is  owing  to  the  pernicious 
system  which  lifts  them  up  above  their  condition,  but 
fails  to  elevate  them  in  the  moral  standard.  In  the 
scale  of  virtue  they  sink  every  day  lower  and  lower ;  in 
the  outward  attributes  they  are,  as  they  consider  it,  raised 
in  character* and  improved  in  appearance. 

"  But  is  it  so  ?  The  beauty  of  every  thing  is  fitnesa. 
Is  the  half-fine,  unlady-like,  yet  lady-like  creature,  who 
answers  to  your  dressing-room  bell,  half  so  respectable 
as  the  old-fashioned,  plainly  dressed,  careful,  homely 
maiden  of  your  young  days  ?     Is  it  not  with  a  feeling 

disgust  that  you  turn  from  the  attempted  finery,  and 


238  Ladies   book  of  etiquette. 

Bigh  for  plain  collars,  and  caps  undecked  by  flowerSj 
again  ?  I  think,  among  the  best- bred,  the  most  sensible, 
and,  indeed,  the  most  highly  born  people  of  a  superior 
Btamp,  this  disgust  is  so  strong  that,  in  some  families,  a 
grave  and  suitable  costume  is  introduced  for  the  female 
servants,  and  the  effect  is  satisfactory,  both  on  the  ap- 
pearance and  on  the  mode  of  thinking  of  these  persons. 
But  this  wise,  and  therefore  kind  plan,  is  far  from  being 
general ;  and  I  have  heard  that  a  lady's-maid  complained 
to  her  mistress  that  she  found  herself  the  subject  of 
ridicule,  owing  to  her  not  wearing  silks,  and  indeed 
satins,  as  the  other  ladies'-maids  did. 

"  It  becomes  the  duty  of  ladies  of  influence  to  rise 
above  the  silly  vanity  which,  I  fear,  aifects  some  of  them, 
of  seeing  their  ladies'-maids  as  smart  as  ladies,  and  to 
oppose  innovations  on  the  decencies  of  society,  so  per- 
nicious to  the  class  upon  whom  much  of  our  comfort  de- 
pends. In  setting  out  in  life,  a  young  married  lady 
ought  to  be  more  than  ordinarily  strict  in  these  matters, 
for  her  inexperience  will  certainly  be  taken  advantage 
of  to  some  extent.  If  she  be  rich  enough  to  have  a 
hosuekeeper,  let  her  endeavor  to  select  one  of  strict  re- 
ligious faith,  plain  in  attire,  grave,  but  kind,  and  of  good 
sense,  and  even  intelligence  ;  for  cultivation  of  mind  will 
never,  whatever  may  be  stated,  detract  from  the  utility 
of  a  servant.  It  is  absurd  to  attribute  to  the  diffusion 
of  knowledge  the  deterioration  of  servants ;  it  is  rather 
owing  to  the  scanty  amount  of  knowledge  among  them. 
Most  superficial  is  the  education  about  whfch  so  much 
is  said  and  written;  were  servants  more  thoroughly 
grounded  in  many  branches  of  knowledge,  they  would  be 


SERVANTS.  239 

wiser,  less  rapacious,  more  systematic,  and  better  con- 
tented than  they  are.  They  are  wretched  reaMoners, 
generally  losing  sight  of  their  own  true  interest,  and 
grasping  at  that  which  is  unreal  and  visionary.  If  they 
were  better  educated,  this  would  not  be  the  case ;  they 
would  be  less  vain,  less  credulous  ;  they  would  know 
what  qualities  to  respect ;  they  would  weigh  letter  the 
advantage  of  their  lot  ;  and  they  would  work  better  aa 
servants.  They  would  give  mind,  where  now  they  only 
give  hands ;  and  their  acquirements,  taken  from  school  as 
they  are  in  very  early  youth,  are  not  ever  likely  to  be 
such  as  to  make  the  routine  of  their  work  distasteful  to 
them,  from  over  refinement  or  cultivation. 

"It  is  always  desirable  to  hgrve,  if  possible,  servants  of 
one  faith.  But  if  it  so  happens  that  you  have  a  Roman 
Catholic  servant  and  a  Protestant  in  your  service,  you 
are  bound  to  allow  each  the  free  exercise  of  her  religion, 
and  you  ought  not  to  respect  them  if,  out  of  interest, 
they  will  conform  to  yours.  An  exercise  of  authority 
on  this  point  amounts,  in  my  opinion,  to  an  act  of  ty- 
ranny, and  it  can  only  tend  to  promote  insincerity,  and, 
perhaps,  engender  scepticism  in  its  object.  Nothing  is, 
indeed,  so  dangerous  as  to  unsettle  the  faith  of  the  lower 
classes,  who  have  neither  time  nor  opportunity  of  fairly 
considering  subjects  of  religious  controversy. 

"While  on  the  subject  of  servants,  I  must  deprecate  the 
over-indulgence  of  the  present  system  towards  them. 
Formerly  they  were  treated  with  real  kindness,  but  it 
was  the  kindness  that  exacted  duty  in  return,  and  took  a 
real  interest  in  the  welfare  of  each  servant.  The  recip- 
rocal tie  in  former  times  between  servant  and  master  waa 


240  .       LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

Strong,  now  it  is  wholly  gone.  The  easy  rule  of  masters 
and  mistresses  proceeds  far  more  from  indifference  than 
from  kindness  of  heart ;  for  the  real  charity  is  to  keep 
servants  steadily  to  their  duties.  They  are  a  class  of 
persons  to  whom  much  leisure  is  destruction ;  the  pur- 
suits of  their  idle  hours  are  seldom  advantageous  to 
them,  and  theirs  are  not  minds  which  can  thrive  in  re- 
pose. Idleness,  to  them,  is  peculiarly  the  root  of  all 
evil,  for,  if  their  time  is  not  spent  in  vicious  amusements, 
it  is  often  passed  in  slander,  discontent,  or  vanity.  In 
writing  thus,  I  do  not  recommend  a  hard  or  inconsider- 
ate system  to  servants.  They  require,  and  in  many  in- 
stances they  merit,  all  that  can  be  done  to  alleviate  a  situ- 
ation of  servitude.  They  ought  not  to  be  the  slaves  of 
caprice  or  the  victims  of  temper.  Their  work  should  be 
measured  out  with  a  just  hand  ;  but  it  should  be  regularly 
exacted  in  as  much  perfection  as  can  be  expected  in  va- 
riable and  erring  human  nature. 

"Another  point  on  which  I  would  recommend  firmness 
is  that  of  early  hours.  In  this  respect  example  is  as  im- 
portant as  precept ;  but,  however  uncertain  you  may  be 
yourself,  I  would  not  relax  a  rule  of  that  kind.  For 
every  comfort  during  the  day  depends  upon  the  early 
rising  of  your  servants.  Without  this,  all  their  several 
departments  are  hurried  through  or  neglected  in  some 
important  respect. 

"  Your  mode  of  address  to  servants  must  be  decisive, 
yet  mild.  The  authoritative  tone  I  do  not  recommend 
It  is  very  unbecoming  to  any  young  person,  and  it  rarely 
attains  the  end  desired;  but  there  is  a  quiet  dignity  of 
deportment  whicli   few  servants  ever  can  resist.     This 


SERVANTS.  241 

ahould  be  tempered  with  kindness,  when  circumstances 
call  it  forth,  but  should  never  descend  to  familiarity. 
For  no  caution  is  more  truly  kind  than  which  confines 
servants  strictly  to  their  own  sphere. 

"Much  evil  results  from  the  tendency,  more  especially 
of  very  young,  or  of  very  old  mistresses  of  families,  to 
partiality.  Commonly,  one  servant  becomes  the  almost 
avowed  favorite ;  and  it  is  diflficult  to  say  whether  that 
display  of  partiality  is  the  more  pernicious  to  the  servant 
who  is  the  object  of  it,  or  to  the  rankling  and  jealous 
minds  of  the  rest  of  the  household.  It  is  true  that  it  is 
quite  impossible  to  avoid  entertaining  a  greater  degree 
of  confidence  in  some  servants  than  in  others ;  but  it 
should  be  shown  with  a  due  regard  to  the  feelings  of  all. 
It  i?,  of  course,  allowable  towards  those  who  take  a  de- 
cidedly responsible  and  confidential  situation  in  a  house- 
hold. Still,  never  let  such  persons  assume  the  reins  of 
government ;  let  them  act  the  part  of  helmsman  to  the 
vessel,  but  not  aspire  to  the  control  of  the  captain. 

"It  is  generally  wise  and  right,  after  a  due  experience 
of  the  principles  and  intentions  of  servants,  to  place 
confidence  in  their  honesty,  and  to  let  them  have  the 
comfort  of  knowing  that  you  do  so.  At  the  same  time, 
never  cease  to  exercise  a  system  of  supervision.  The 
great  principle  of  housekeeping  is  regularity ;  and  with- 
out this  (one  of  the  most  diflficult  of  the  minor  virtues  tc 
practice)  all  efibrts  to  promote  order  must  be  inefi'ectual. 
I  have  seen  energetic  women,  clever  and  well-intentioned, 
fail  m  attaining  a  good  method,  owing  to  their  being  un- 
certain in  hours,  governed  by  impulse,  and  capricious. 
I  have  seen  women,  inferior  in  capacity,  slow,  and  apa- 
16 


242  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

thetic,  make  excellent  heads  of  families,  as  far  as  tlieh 
household  was  concerned,  from  •  their  steadiness  and 
regularity.  Their  very  power  of  enduring  monotony 
has  been  favorable  to  their  success  in  this  way,  especially 
if  they  are  not  called  upon  to  act  in  peculiar  and  diffi- 
cult cases,  in  which  their  actual  inferiority  is  traceablo- 
33ut  these  are  not  the  ordinary  circumstances  of  life. 

"  In  closing  these  remarks  on  the  management  of  serv- 
ants, let  me  exhort  you  never  to  forget  that  they  are 
fellow-laborers,  in  the  life  of  probation,  with  ourselves ; 
let  us  not  embitter  their  lives  by  harshness,  or  proffer  to 
them  temptation  from  carelessness  and  over-indulgence. 
Since  all  that  is  given  us  of  this  world's  goods  is  but  in 
trust,  let  us  regard  our  servants  as  beings  for  whose  con- 
duct, while  under  our  control,  we  are  more  or  less  re- 
sponsible. It  is  true  that,  if  they  come  to  us  with 
morals  wholly  depraved,  it  is  not  likely  that  the  most 
strenuous  exertions  can  amend  them ;  but  many  waver 
between  good  and  evil.  Let  us  endeavor  to  excite  in 
their  minds  a  respect  for  virtue,  to  give  them  motives  for 
industry,  inducements  to  save  their  wages.  Those  who 
have  large  households  should  not  deem  the  morals  of  the 
meanest  of  their  servants  beneath  their  investigation,  or 
too  obscure  for  their  influence  to  reach." 

Some  attention  is  absolutely  necessary,  in  this  country, 
to  the  training  of  servants,  as  they  come  here  from  the 
lowest  ranks  of  English  and  Irish  peasantry,  with  as 
much  idea  of  politeness  as  the  pig  domesticated  in  tho 
cabin  of  the  latter 

Opening  the  door  seems  a  simple  act,  yet  few  servants 
perform  it  in  a  proper,  respectful  manner.     Let  your 


SEBVANTS.  24S 

iervant  understand  tliat  the  door  must  be  opened  imme 
diately  after  the  bell  rings.  Visitors,  from  neglect  of 
this  rule,  will  often  ring  several  times,  and  finally  leave 
the  door.  I  have  known  an  instance  when  in  a  case  of 
severe  illness  the  patient  lost  the  visit  of  the  doctor, 
who,  after  ringing  some  minutes,  was  obliged  to  pay 
other  visits,  and  could  not  return  to  the  sufferer's  house 
until  several  hours  later. 

"When  opening  the  door  some  servants  hold  it  ajar  and 
hold  a  long  parley  with  the  person  on  the  steps,  as  if 
afraid  they  wished  to  enter  for  the  purpose  of  murder  or 
theft. 

Train  them  to  answer  the  door  promptly,  speak  po- 
litely to  any  one  who  may  be  there,  excuse  you,  if  ne- 
cessary, to  visitors  in  courteous  terms,  or,  if  you  are  in, 
show  the  callers  into  the  parlor,  take  their  card,  ani  come 
back  quickly  with  your  answer. 


CHAPTER   XXIII. 

OH   A  YOUNG  lady's   CONDUCT   WHEN   CONTEMPLATINO 
MARRIAGE. 

The  following  chapter,  met  with  in  a  recent  perusal 
of  an  English  work  for  young  ladies,  strikes  me  as  so 
admirable,  and  so  appropriate  in  this  place,  that  I  quote 
the  chapter  entire : 

"  The  difficulties  and  trials  of  life  have  only  just  begun 
when  a  young  lady  fancies  herself  to  be  of  sufficient  im- 
portance to  become  the  theme  of  animadversion.  She 
knows  little  of  the  true  importance  of  self-control,  until 
she  experiences  the  first  indications  of  preference  shown 
her  by  the  other  sex. 

*'  Such  indications  are  often  manifested,  whilst  she  to 

whom  they  are  directed,  is  wholly  unprepared  to  analyze 

her  own  feelings,  before  her  opinions  upon  what  she  has 

seen  are  by  any  means  developed ;  before  she  has  even 

considered  adequately,  on  what  her  happiness  depends ; 

before  she  has  discernment  to  reject  what  is  frivolous,  or 

wisdom  to  prefer  what  is  good.     This  is  more  especially 

the  case  in  the  the  highest  and  lowest  classes,  in  which, 

by  a  strange  analogy,  they  either  rush  into  the  marriage 

state  whilst  children,  or  wait  until  the  bloom  and  hopes 
244 


CONDUCT   WHEN   CONTEMPLATING   MARRIAGE.      245 

of  youth  have  forever  passed  away,  in  order  to  form  in- 
terested matches.  The  matured  period  of  five-and- 
twenty  to  thirty,  is  passed  by  the  lower  classes  in  the 
single  state  in  labor  to  gain  subsistence ;  after  thirty,  or 
even  forty,  we  often  find  them  marrying.  But  the 
majority  have  sealed  their  own  fate  before  the  age  of 
twenty. 

"  In  high  life,  the  same  haste  to  dispose  of  daughters 
prevails  as  among  the  lowest  classes.  At  seventeen, 
most  of  our  belles  of  fashion  expect  to  receive  proposals. 
If  they  do  not  marry  within  a  few  years  after  their 
introduction,  they  have  a  mortified  sense  of  having  lost 
time — that  the  expectations  of  friends  and  of  parents 
have  not  been  fulfilled ;  that  others  have  '  gone  off' 
before  them.  The  next  ten  years  are  often  a  period  of 
subdued  vexation,  and  the  sweetness  and  contentment  of 
the  original  character  is  impaired.  About  seven  or  eight 
and  twenty,  the  views  of  life  are  sobered — the  expecta- 
tions chastened — a  renovation  takes  place — women  again 
become  agreeable;  their  minds  must  in  the  lapse  of  time, 
even  with  a  miserable  store  of  observation,  have  improved. 
They  then  often  marry — and,  if  the  union  be  not  a  mero 
effort  of  despair,  if  it  be  based  on  sound  and  holy  prin- 
ciples, and  on  good  sense,  there  is,  for  both  parties  en- 
gaged, a  great  likelihood  of  happiness. 

"  But,  it  may  be  naturally  contended,  that  there  como 
not  to  all  young  ladies  the  opportunities  of  which  I  write ; 
that  indications  of  preference  arrive  not  to  all.  I  am 
inclined  to  believe  that,  with  good  temper,  pleasing  man- 
ners, and  respectable  connections,  there  exists,  in  modern 
society,  very  few  young  ladies  who  have  not  received 


246  LADIES'   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

under  various  circumstances,  some  marks  of  preference, 
more  or  less  decided.  Beauty  and  plainness  arc  arbi- 
trary, not  positive,  terms.  Unless  there  be  any  actual 
deformity,  any  great  infirmity,  in  which  case  I  think  it 
were  cruel  to  pre-suppose  the  likelihood  of  such  indica^ 
tions,  there  is  no  one,  that  I  hardly  ever  met  with,  who 
has  not  had,  on  some  grounds,  her  partizans  and  ad- 
mirers. The  plain  are  often  particularized  as  elegant; 
tastes  vary :  even  a  sour  look  I  have  heard  admired  as 
sensible,  cold  manners  eulogized  as  correct.  Opinion, 
however  it  may  generally  verge  to  the  correct,  springs 
from  so  many  sources,  it  is  so  governed  by  association 
of  ideas,  such  trifles  may  guide  it,  that  I  am  never  sur- 
prised at  the  latitude  given  to  personal  encomium  nor  a* 
the  endless  variety  and  incongruity  of  human  judgment 
It  is  well  that  all  have  a  chance  of  being  approved,  ad- 
mired, beloved,  and  it  remains  for  them  to  avail  them- 
selves of  those  possibilities  which  contribute  so  much  to 
happiness.  For  we  are  sympathizing  beings,  and  a  law  of 
our  nature  makes  us  look  for  a  return  of  sympathy.  We 
are  sent  here  to  form  ties,  and  to  love,  and  to  be  loved, 
whether  the  term  applies  to  parental,  or  filial,  or  frater- 
nal love — or  whether  it  respects  the  less  sure  and  more 
Gtful  experiences  of  love,  in  its  ordinary  sense. 

"  1  do  not  blame  the  parents  who  instil  into  their 
children  of  both  sexes  a  desire  to  be  married.  I  think 
those  who  teach  the  young  a  difi'erent  lesson  deceive 
them.  Marriage,  with  all  its  chances,  its  infelicities,  its 
sacrifices,  is  seldom  so  infelicitous,  so  uncertain,  so  full 
of  sacrifice,  as  the  single  state.  Life  must  have  some 
objects,  and   those  objects  must  be  progressive.     The 


CONDUCT  WHEN   CONTEMPLATING   MARRIAGE.      247 

mind  is  bappier  and  healthier  with  such  interests,  even 
if  sorrow  comes  along  with  them,  than  in  its  solitude,  its 
desolate  freedom  from  care,  when  having,  as  the  phiase 
is,  no  troubles  of  the  conjugal  sort  to  disturb  its  tran- 
quillity. I  therefore  do  not  censure  those  who  desire  to 
see  their  daughters  happily  and  suitably  established  in 
life.  It  is  the  indiscreet  and  vulgar  haste,  the  indelicacy, 
the  low  mercenary  views,  and  the  equally  low  ambition 
to  compass  a  splendid  match,  which  is  blameable  and  re- 
volting in  the  parental  conduct. 

^'Many  are,  however,  blessed  with  guides  and  guardi- 
ans of  very  different  characters  ;  with  parents,  whose 
lofty  natures  not  only  reject  such  unworthy  notions,  but 
somewhat  incline  to  the  extreme  of  repelling  all  advances 
for  their  daughters.  In  either  case,  the  conduct  of  a 
young. lady  may  be  the  same.  It  is  she  who  must  form 
her  own  destiny  in  points  on  which  none  can  effectually 
aid  her.  It  is  she  who  is  to  be  the  happy  wife,  or  the 
wretched  victim  ;  and  it  is  to  her  that  these  observations 
of  admonition  and  of  warning  are  addressed.  Let  us 
suppose  her  young,  of  course,  attractive  in  appearance,  of 
good  birth,  and  some  fortune.  I  here  except  heiresses,  who, 
being  anomalies,  deserve  a  particular  paragraph  for  them- 
selves. But  let  us  suppose  that  no  obstacle  of  family  oi 
connection  interferes  to  check  the  approach  of  a  suitor. 

"  The  eyes  of  her  family  and  of  her  young  friends  aro 
upon  her,  when  a  young  lady  receives  the  first  indications 
of  preference.  She  is  generally  ashamed  of  it.  This  ia 
the  first  sentiment  of  a  modest  and  ingenuous  mind,  and 
it  is  one  indication,  in  my  opinion,  of  the  impropriety  of 
early  marriages.     Nature  seems  still  to  wish  to  keep  the 


248  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

young  and  blushing  girl  apart  froni  that  connection  whicf* 
entails  grave  and  arduous  duties.  But  Nature's  voice  ia 
far  less  often  heard  than  that  of  ner  adversary,  expedi- 
ency. I  must,  therefore,  shape  my  injuncticns  to  that 
which  exists,  not  to  that  which  we  would  wish  to  exist 

"  Almost  sinking  under  this  painful  sense  of  shame, 
this  novel  disturbance  of  her  usual  set  of  feelings,  a 
young  girl  catches  at  the  first  reed  to  save  herself  from 
observation  and  detection.  I  mean  detection  of  her  per- 
ception of  that  which  others  may  or  may  not  see.  She 
seizes  upon  ridicule.  She  pretends  to  laugh  at  one, 
whom  sometimes  her  youthful  romantic  fancy  dwells  upon 
in  a  very  diflferent  sense.  She  laughs  at  the  foibles,  sup- 
posed or  real,  of  her  admirer :  she  plays  a  dangerous 
game.  -  If  any  of  those  to  whom  she  imparts  her  witti- 
cisms are  malevolently  disposed  or  thoughtless,  she  runs 
a  risk  either  of  wounding  the  feelings  of  a  man  whom 
she  does  not  like,  or  of  losing  the  regard  of  one  whom 
she  might  in  time  not  only  esteem,  but  love. 

"  Another  eifect  of  such  attentions  as  awaken  a  con- 
sciousness in  a  young  lady's  mind,  is  the  gratification  of 
vanity,  perhaps  until  then  latent  in  her  heart.  The  first 
preference  is  apt  to  upset  the  reason  of  its  object  as  of 
him  who  shows  it.  The  word  vanity  does  not  seem  to 
imply  danger.  Vanity  is  generally  considered  an  inno- 
cent failing ;  but  it  is  innocent  only  as  some  kinds  of 
food  are  to  a  healthy  subject.  On  a  weak,  or  even  on 
an  inexperienced  mind,  it  acts,  sometimes,  fatally  for  the 
vain,  A  girl  is  either  carried  away  by  admiration  so  as 
to  be  flippant  and  foolish,  or  she  is  blinded  by  her  vanity 
to  the  failings  of  the  man  who  first  admires  her.     She  ia 


CONDUCT   WHE:N   contemplating   MARRIAGE.      249 

intoyicated  with  the  notion  of  an  oifer  of  marriage ;  she 
imagines,  in  her  simplicity,  effervesced  as  it  is  by  the  in- 
fusion of  flattered  vanity,  that  she  has  inspired  such  an 
attachment  as  will  never  be  recovered,  should  she  prove 
adverse  to  it.  Many  an  engagement  has  been  formed 
under  this  conviction,  and  fulfilled  only  to  prove  its  fal« 
lacy,  for  the  love  which  was  supposed  too  strong  to  sur- 
vive disappointment,  has  expired  in  the  fruition  of  its 
hopes. 

"  To  guard  against  either  of  these  risks  to  happiness, 
a  well-educated  girl  should  endeavor,  in  this,  to  exercise 
her  judgment.  She  should  be  sincere.  She  is  blame- 
able  to  ridicule  the  attentions  which  are  meant  as  compli- 
mentary to  her.  They  ought  to  be  at  least  regarded 
with  respect. 

"  Should  they  not  be  acceptable,  she  is  inexcusable  to 
requite  them  with  levity  and  disdain.  Let  her  reflect 
how  she  would  like  such  conduct  herself.  Besides,  she 
is  often  making  a  bitter  enemy ;  perhaps  she  is  exciting 
fierce  and  unamiable  sentiments  in  one  who  otherwise 
might  have  been  regarded  as  a  mild  and  worthy  indi- 
viduaK  Let  her  be  undeceived  if  she  supposes  that  in 
thus  doing  she  is  carrying  herself  with  dignity,  or  ac- 
quiring any  added  admiration  from  others.  She  ceases, 
in  thus  acting,  to  support  the  characteristics  of  a  gentle- 
woman, which  are  mildness,  courtesy,  and  reserve.  If 
fehe  cherishes,  in  spite  of  her  pretended  disgust,  a  secret 
partiality  for  the  individual  who  distinguishes  her,  if  she 
is  lowering  the  esteem  of  a  man  whom  she  prefers,  she 
nut  only  incurs  the  hazard  of  losing  his  regard,  but  she 
JB  scattering  ridicule  on  one  whom  she  afterwards  avowi 


250  LADIES'   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

as  her  choice.  In  that  case,  she  is  lowering  herself,  or 
she  is  sowing  the  seeds  of  distrust  in  the  minds  of  those 
who  know  her — she  is,  perhaps,  frustrating  and  delaying 
her  own  happiness.  Let  her  act  with  candor,  with  con- 
sideration, with  good  sense,  and  all  this  web  which  her 
folly  would  weave  around  her  will  not  embarrass  her. 
Let  her  not  madly  and  obstinately  resist  the  advice  ol 
those  on  whose  aflfection  to  her,  and  on  whose  good  judg- 
ment, experience  has  taught  her  to  rely.  Let  her  be  a 
child  in  nothing  except  humility ;  let  her  listen  to  coun- 
sels ;  yet  her  own  heart  must  decide  for  her — none  can 
know  so  well  as  herself  its  secret  throbs,  or  the  impres- 
sion of  dislike  or  of  regard  which  has  been  made  upon  it. 

"  I  am,  I  confess,  an  enemy  to  trying  to  like  a  person, 
as  1  have  rarely  seen  such  a  mental  process  end  in  hap- 
piness to  either  party.  If  an  advantageous  proposal 
offer  itself,  it  is  wiser  decidedly  to  refuse  it,  than  to  trust 
to  the  slow  growth  of  affection,  upon  a  foundation  of 
original  dislike.  And  the  trials  of  married  life  are  such, 
— its  temptations  to  irritability  and  contention  are  so 
manifold,  its  anxieties  so  unforseen  and  so  complicated, 
that  few  can  steer  their  difficult  course  safely  and  hap- 
pily, unless  there  be  a  deep  and  true  attachment,  to 
contend  with  all  the  storms  which  may  arise  in  the  navi- 
gation. 

"  Deeply  impressed  with  this  conviction,  should  it  bo 
the  lot  of  any  young  lady  in  whom  I  were  interested  to 
form  a  real,  well-grounded  attachment  to  a  man  whoso 
circumstances  were  indifferent,  I  should  counsel  hor,  pro- 
vided she  can  depend  on  the  character  and  exertions  of 
the  obj  3ct  so  beloved,  to  risk  the  event  of  an  engage- 


CONDUCT   WHEN    CONTEMPLATING    MARRIAGE.      251 

mcnt — to  trust  to  time  and  Providence,  and  to  r/arrj^ 
v^henever  means  were  afforded, — convinced  as  I  am,  that 
patience,  and  trust,  and  true  affection,  raise  the  charac- 
I  er,  and  are  acceptable  in  the  ejes  of  our  Heavenly  Fa- 
ther.  But  in  such  a  case,  she  must  school  her  mind  to 
iieet  the  anxieties  which  attend  limited  means.  She 
nust  prepare  herself,  by  habits  of  diligence  and  economy, 
to  become  a  poor  man's  wife.  She  must  learn  the  diffi- 
cult art  of  •oing  well  upon  a  little.  She  must  not,  be 
she  in  any  rank  of  life,  think  to  indulge  with  impunity 
to  herself  in  every  refinement  and  luxury  when  she  is 
single ;  and,  upon  her  marriage,  imagine  that  she  can 
attain  the  practice  of  economy  by  wishing  it.  Such 
metamorphoses  are  out  of  reason — out  of  nature.  She 
must  endeavor  before  the  bond  which  ties  her  to  poverty 
is  framed,  to  understand  the  duties  of  housekeeping,  the 
mysteries  of  needle-work.  She  must  lay  down  to  her- 
self rules  of  expenditure  suitable,  in  part,  to  her  future 
condition  in  life.  Many  a  wife,  thus  commencing,  has 
laid  the  foundations  of  future  fortune,  at  least  independ- 
ence, to  her  husband,  by  keeping  his  mind  at  peace, 
during  his  progress  up  the  steep  ascent  to  professional, 
or  clerical,  or  literary  fame.  Many  a  home  has  been 
cheered  by  domestic  forbearance,  and  placid  submission 
to  circumstances,  even  in  the  higher  classes,  during  the 
life-time  of  a  father,  or  in  the  course  of  those  long  ex- 
pectancies, in  which  the  fortitude  and  principle  of  many 
d{  the  aristocracy  are  tried  and  proved.  But  the  self- 
Jenial,  the  cheerfulness,  the  good  management,  the  strict 
principle,  are  formed  at  an  earlier  period  than  that  in 
which  a  young  lady  gives  her  hand  to  him  whom  ehc 


252  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

has  chosen,  in  spite  of  the  frown  of  fortune,  as  her  hii»' 
band. 

"  Of  this  let  the  young  be  assured  ;  there  are  few  situ- 
ations in  life,  in  which  a  man,  young,  and  in  health, 
cannot  meliorate  his  circumstances,  if  he  possess  energy 
and  if  he  be  stimulated  by  a  true  affection.  The  cler- 
gyman, with  humble  stipend,  often  hopeless  from  want 
of  interest,  has  leisure — he  has  had  education,  lie 
may,  if  he  desires  to  assist  himself,  have  recourse  to 
literary  labor,  or  to  tuition.  If  he  make  not  such  ex- 
ertion, during  the  course  of  an  engagement,  what  hope 
can  there  be  of  him  in  future  life  ? 

*'  The  young  lawyer,  however  tedious  his  advancement, 
however  few  his  opportunities,  may  also  distinguish  him- 
self in  a  literary  career.  Innumerable  are  the  subjects 
open  to  one  of  such  a  profession.  How  few  avail  them- 
selves of  the  chance !  Upon  this  rely,  the  man  truly  in 
love  will  make  the  effort.  To  the  military  man,  though 
perhaps  he  may  be  less  qualified,  the  same  course  is  open, 
in  a  degree.  Some  of  our  best  travels,  some  of  our 
most  amusing  literary  productions,  have  been  the  com- 
positions of  military  men.  And  the  advantage  of  this 
mode  of  aiding  a  small  fortune  is,  that  a  man  not  only 
does  not  lower,  but  he  raises  his  position  by  it,  if  his 
works  are  moral,  written  in  a  gentlemanly  spirit,  and  af- 
fording information.  However  deep  the  attachment, 
however  agreeable  the  object,  if  a  man  be  indisposed  to 
help  himself  to  independence  and  competence,  I  should 
counsel  no  woman  to  continue  an  engagement  formed  in 
the  expectation  of  'times  mending.*     When  I  advocate 


CONDUCT  WHEN   CONTEMPLATING    MARRIAGE.      258 

the  indulgence  of  attachment,  it  is  to  worthy,  not  to  un 
worthy,  objects. 

"I  n^w  come  to  speak  of  moral  character.  Haid  ia 
the  contest  between  affection  and  expediency,  when  it  *8 
raised  by  the  question  of  circumstances.  But  harder 
Btill  ia  it,  when  its  result  is  to  be  decided  upon  an  inquiry 
into  moral  conduct.  I  know  not  a  more  cruel  situation 
than  that  when  the  heart  is  bestowed  on  one  whom  the 
judgment  could  not  approve.  I  know  not  one  which 
should  be  more  strictly  guarded  against,  not  only  by  pa- 
rents and  friends,  but  (for  I  would  impress  on  every 
young  lady  how  much  she  may  prove  the  best  guardian 
of  her  own  happiness)  by  the  female  heart  itself. 

"  With  every  vigilance,  with  little  to  blame,  little  to 
repent,  such  cases  will  occur  in  this  world.  The  feelings 
are  interested,  but  the  judgment  distrusts.  Happy  is  it 
for  those  who  know  the  combat  between  affection  and 
principle  only  in  single  life,  and  have  not  the  misery  of 
encountering  so  severe  a  destiny  when  it  can  no  longer 
be  remedied — who  know  not  how  to  fulfill  the  vow  to 
honor  what  is  proved  to  be  unworthy — and  yet  still  must 
love, — for  the  affections  once  given,  are  little  in  our  own 
power. 

"  In  such  a  case  occurring  to  the  young,  in,  perhaps, 
a  first  attachment,  I  think  they  must  be  guided  by 
friends.  I  am  not  an  advocate  for  the  interference  of 
friends :  where  it  is  much  a  question  of  a  long  and  con 
tingent  engagement — a  question  of  being  married  at 
once,  or  of  waiting,  in  some  uncertainty — a  question  of 
ease  or  discomfort,  of  limited  means  or  luxury — in  such 
instances,  if  the  moral  character  be  unexceptionable,  ii 


254         LADIES'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

is  the  duty  of  parents  to  point  out  all  the  risk,  all  thfc 
disadvantages,  but  to  leave  the  heart  to  form  its  own  de- 
cisions. Let  them  not  seek  to  wrench  the  affecticna 
from  the  channel  in  which  they  flowed,  when  fresh  from 
their  source.  They  cannot  know  how  deep  the  channel 
is — they  cannot  know  if  ever  those  pure  and  beautiful 
waters  will  flow  in  peace  again  when  once  hastily  turned 
aside.  But  in  cases  of  moral  character,  of  right  or 
wrong,  the  affair  is  wholly  different,  and  the  strictest 
parental  authority  ought,  upon  due  inquiry,  to  be  exer 
cised. 

*'  Submission  and  self-control  are  then  the  duty  of  the 
young  sufferer — for  a  suff"erer  she  truly  is; — no  page  of 
her  after-history  could  unfold  a  bitterer  pang.  But 
peace  and  hope  come  at  last — the  struggle,  though  vio- 
lent, leaves  behind  it  none  of  that  corroding  sorrow, 
which  w^ould  have  accompanied  the  acquiescence  of  pa- 
rents in  a  union  unblessed  by  a  Providence,  whose  will 
is  that  all  should  be  pure,  even  as  He  above  is  pure. 
Had  your  fond  wishes  been  granted,  young  and  trusting 
being,  how  fearful  would  have  been  your  condition  I 
For  there  is  no  suspicion  so  revolting  to  an  innocent 
mind  as  that  which  unseats  love  from  his  throne  in  our 
aff'ections,  and  places  another  in  his  stead.  Be  assured 
of  this — ^little  can  you  know  of  the  moral  conduct  of  the 
other  sex ;  little  is  it  desirable  that  you  should  know. 
But  whenever  improprieties  are  so  flagrant  as  to  be  mat- 
ters of  conversation  ;  when  the  good  shun,  and  the  pity- 
ing forbear  to  excuse;  be  assured  some  deeper  cause 
than  you  can  divine  exists  for  the  opprobrium.  Think 
not  that  your  empire  over  aff'ections  thus  wasted  can  be 


CONDUCT  WHEN   CONTEMPLATING    MARRIAGE.      256 

a  real  one.  It  is  transient,  it  will  not  last — it  will  nok 
bring  reformation — it  will  never  be  adequately  requited. 
Throw  yourself  on  the  judgment  of  those  whose  interest 
in  you  has  been  life-long,  or  of  such  as  you  know  truly 
regard  your  happiness ;  conquer  the  unhallowed  pi'efer- 
cnce ;  pray  for  support  and  guidance ;  trust  in  Him  who 
*catereth  for  the  sparrow.* 

"  But,  when  the  commencement  of  life  is  chilled  by  so 
cruel  a  sorrow — when  the  blight  has  fallen  on  the  bud— 
we  must  not  only  look  up  to  heavenly  aid,  we  must  take 
every  means  of  care  for  an  unfortunate,  and,  when  once 
the  judgment  is  convinced  of  the  unworthiness  of  the 
object,  a  blameablc  attachment.  How  often,  in  the 
Psalms,  in  the  Gospels,  the  word  '  Help'  is  reiterated ! 
We  are  to  help  ourselves — we  must  work  for  our  heavenly 
peace  on  earth — the  mental  discipline,  to  prosper,  must 
be  aided  by  divine  grace,  but  its  springs  must  be  from 
our  own  hearts.  And,  to  fulfill  the  will  of  God  in  this, 
as  in  the  other  events  of  life,  let  us  take  such  means  as 
may  aid  us  in  the  work  of  self-government. 

"  In  the  first  place,  let  employment  be  resorted  to  by 
the  sorrowing,  do  not  indulge  in  tears ;  do  not  sit  alone ; 
abstain,  for  a  time,  from  music ;  abstain  from  the  perusal 
of  poetry,  or  works  of  imagination.  They  still  more 
soften  the  feelings  and  open  up  the  sources  of  grief. 
Read  works  of  fact — endeavor  to  occupy  yourself  witb 
the  passing  events  of  the  world.  And,  when  the  over- 
burdened heart  cannot  be  comforted,  or  its  thoughts  di- 
verted— for  there  will  be  moments  too  mournful  to  be  re- 
sisted— go  forth  into  the  fields,  go  to  the  houses  of  the 
poor — see  the  goodness  and  mercy  of  God — see  too,  the 


256  LADIES*    BOOK   OF  ETIQUETTE. 

patience  and  long-suffering  of  the  poor,  who  may  often 
Bet  the  rich  an  example  of  fortitude.  Occupy  yourself, 
if  you  can,  with  children ;  their  freshness,  their  joyful 
unconsciousness,  the  elasticity  of  their  spirits,  will  sus- 
tain and  draw  you  from  yourself,  or  have  recourse  to  the 
soothing  calmness  of  the  aged.  Hear  them  converse 
upon  the  affairs  of  life ;  how  they  appreciate  the  import- 
ance of  each  passing  event,  as  a  traveler  does  the  ruts 
and  inequalities  of  the  road  he  has  traversed.  How 
their  confidence  in  the  effect  of  time  sustains  you !  and 
you  turn  from  them,  reflecting  on  all  that  the  happiest 
ot  them  must  necessarily  have  endured.  Be  assured  of 
your  own  recovery,  under  an  influence  so  certain. 

"  Avoid  young  persons  of  your  own  age.  If  possible, 
except  to  a  sister,  whose  deep  interest  in  you  will  proba 
bly  teach  her  a  superior  lesson,  never  confide  in  young 
friends,  a  similar  trial  as  that  to  which  I  have  referred. 
In  general,  your  resolution  will  be  weakened,  your  feel 
ings  re-excited,  your  confidence  in  your  best  advisers 
will  be  shaken.  For  the  young  usually  take  the  part 
of  the  rejected  lover — they  delight  in  that  dangerous 
species  of  sympathy  which  flatters  with  hope.  They 
are  naturally  incredulous  as  to  the  delinquencies  of  a 
man  who  is  agreeable,  and  in  love ;  they  incline  to  the 
notion  of  the  hard-heartedness  of  fathers,  uncles,  and 
elder  brothers ;  and  even,  if  they  happen  to  possess  good 
sense,  or  to  exercise  the  rare  quality  of  prudence  in  such 
matters,  the  very  communication  of  any  sorrcw,  or  the 
recital  of  any  feelings,  gives  not  only  a  merely  tem- 
porary relief,  but  deadens  that  sorrow  and  strengthens 
inose  feelings,  which  gro-v^  every  time  they  are  imparted 


CONDUCl   WHEN   CONTEMPLATING   MARRIAGE.      257 

If  you  wish  to  recover — and.  if  you  have  a  sound  and 
well-disposed  mind,  you  ivill  wish  to  recover; — you  must, 
after  the  first  burst  of  grief  is  over,  speak  but  rarely  of 
a  theme  too  painful  and  delicate  to  bear  the  contact  of 
rude  minds — too  dangerous  to  dwell  upon  with  those  of 
a  kindlier  and  loftier  nature. 

"  To  your  female  relations — to  your  mother,  more  es 
pecially,  too  great  an  openness  cannot  be  practiced  on 
these  points,  but  openness  does  not  imply  a  perpetual 
recurrence  to  a  theme,  which  must  wear  out  patience  and 
exhaust  all  but  maternal  sympathy,  in  time.  For  ma- 
ternal sympathy  is  exhaustless;  be  generous,  and  restrain, 
from  that  very  reflection,  the  continual  demand  upon  its 
flow.  The  first  person  to  consult,  the  last  to  afflict — a 
mother — should  not  be  the  victim  of  her  daughter's  feel- 
ings. Her  judgment  should  not  be  weakeiicd  by  the  iu- 
cessant  indulgence  of  a  daughter's  sorrows. 

"I  would,  on  many  grounds,  caution  the  young 
against  hasty  engagements.  It  seems  extraordinary 
that  the  welfare  of  a  life  should  often  be  determined 
upon  the  acquaintance  of  a  few  weeks.  The  principles, 
it  is  true,  may  be  ascertained  from  the  knowledge  of 
others,  the  manners  may  please,  the  means  and  expecta- 
tions may  all  be  clearly  understood.  But  the  temper — 
that  word  of  unspeakable  import — the  daily  habits,  tho 
power  of  constancy—  these  are  not  to  be  known  without 
a  long  and  severe  examination  of  the  motives,  and  a 
daily  observation  of  the  conduct,  of  others.  Very  little 
suffices  to  mar  the  happiness  of  married  life,  if  that  little 
proceed  in  the  character  of  a  man,  froir  a  rooted  selfish- 
ness. 
17 


258  LADIES     BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE.     - 

"  It  is  true,  in  regard  to  this  defect,  that  much  may 
be  done  by  a  wife  to  meliorate  a  vice  of  character  whicn 
is,  in  some,  only  the  result  of  never  having  had  their 
feelings  developed.  But  if  there  exist  not  this  excuse — 
if,  in  spite  of  ties,  which  are  dearer  to  an  affectionate 
mind  than  existence ;  you  find  a  man  preferring  his  own 
comfort  to  that  of  those  whom  he  professes  to  love — if 
you  find  him  imperious  to  his  servants,  dictatorial  to  sis- 
ters, on  cool  terms  with  brothers,  there  is  little  hope  that 
the  mental  disease  will  ever  be  rooted  out,  so  as  to  leave 
a  healthy  character  of  mind.  Examine  well  into  this 
point ;  for  a  hasty  temper  may  be  remedied,  and  even 
endured — but  the  deep,  slow,  sullen  course  of  a  selfish 
nature  wears  away  hope,  imparts  a  cankering  care,  and, 
with  it,  often  disgust.  No  defect  is  so  little  to  be  re- 
sisted as  selfishness.  It  creeps  into  every  detail ;  it  in- 
fects the  minutest  affairs  of  life  as  well  as  the  greatest 
concerns.  It  depresses  the  humble  sufferer  from  its 
baneful  effects  ;  it  irritates  the  passions  of  the  unamiable. 
Study  well  the  character  in  trifles ;  nor  venture  to  risk 
your  bark  on  the  sea  of  matrimony,  unless  you  know 
well  how  far  this  man,  whom  you  might  prefer,  is  free 
from  this  deadly  infection.  View  him,  if  possible,  in  his 
home,  before  you  pledge  your  faith  with  his — or,  if  that 
be  not  practicable,  reflect  upon  the  general  course  of  his 
actions,  of  his  sentiments,  and  endeavor  diepassionatolj 
to  judge  them,  as  best  you  may." 


CHAPTER   XXIV: 

BRIDAL  ETIQUETTE. 

In  preparing  a  bridal  outfit,  it  is  best  to  furnish  the 
ifardrobe  for  at  least  two  years,  in  und  er-clothcs,  and 
one  year  in  dresses,  though  the  bonnet  and  cloak,  suita- 
ble for  the  coming  season,  are  all  that  are  necessary,  aa 
the  fashions  in  these  articles  change  so  rapidly.  If  you 
are  going  to  travel,  have  a  neat  dress  and  cloak  of  some 
plain  color,  and  a  close  bonnet  and  veil.  Avoid,  as  in- 
tensely vulgar,  any  display  of  your  position  as  a  hride^ 
whilst  traveling. 

Take,  first,  the  weddings  at  church.  In  this  case  none 
are  invited  to  the  ceremony  excepting  the  family,  and 
the  reception  is  at  the  house  of  the  bride's  mother,  or 
nearest  relative,  either  on  the  wedding-day  or  upon  her 
return  from  the  bridal  tour. 

In  sending  out  the  invitations,  let  the  card  of  the 
bridegroom  and  that  of  the  bride  be  tied  together  with  u 
white  ribbon,  and  folded  in  the  note  paper  upon  which 
is  printed  the  name  of  the  bride'§  mother,  with  the  date 
of  the  reception- day,  thus: — 

Mrs.  John  Saunders. 

At  home,  Thursday,  Oct.  16th, 

from  11  till  2. 

XJo  218, St. 

259 


260  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

of  c  jurse  the  hours  and  dates  vary,  but  the  form  is  th€ 
same. 

If  there  is  no  bridal  reception  upon  the  wedding-day 
the  cards  are  worded : — 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  James  Smith. 
At  home,  Wednesdays, 

On,  and  after,  June  6th. 
No.  17, St. 

Tie  the  card  with  the  bride's  maiden  name  upon  it  to  thin 
one. 

Enclose  the  invitation  in  a  white  envelope,  and  tie  it 
with  white  satin  ribbon.  If  you  send  cake,  have  it  put 
in  a  white  box,  and  place  the  note  outside  the  cover, 
tying  it  fast  with  white  satin  ribbon. 

The  bride's  dress  must  be  of  white  entirely.  If  she 
is  married  in  the  morning,  a  plain  white  silk,  white 
mantle,  and  white  bonnet,  full  trimmed  with  orange 
flowers,  with  a  plain  veil,  is  the  most  suitable  dress,  and 
she  may  wear  a  richer  one  at  her  reception,  when  she  re- 
turnes  from  her  bridal  tour. 

As  soon  as  the  carriages  come,  let  the  bridesmaids, 
And  relatives  set  off  first. — Last,  the  bride  with  her  pa- 
rents. The  bride,  her  parents,  and  the  bridesmaids  go 
immediately  to  the  vestry,  where  they  meet  the  bride- 
groom, and  the  groomsmen.  The  father  of  the  bride 
gives  her  his  arm  arid  escorts  her  to  the  altar,  the  bride- 
groom walking  on  the  other  side.  Then  follow  the 
bridesmaids  and  groomsmen  in  couples. 

When  they  reach  the  altar  the  bridegroom  removes 


BRIDAL    ETIQUETTE  261 

his  right  hand  glove,  but  the  bride  keeps  hers  en  untii 
the  clergyman  takes  the  ring.  The  first  bridesmaid  then 
removes  the  left  hand  glove,  and  it  is  not  resumed.  The 
bridesmaids  should  wear  white  dresses,  white  mantles,  and 
bonnets,  but  not  veils  or  orange  flowers. 

The  bride  and  groom  leave  the  church  first,  after  the 
ceremony  is  over,  and  take  the  carriage  with  the  parents 
of  the  bride,  and  the  others  follow  in  the  order  in  which 
they  came. 

If  there  is  a  breakfast  or  morning  reception,  the  bride 
will  not  change  her  dress  until  she  retires  to  put  on  her 
traveling  attire.  If  the  wedding  takes  place  in  the 
evening  at  church,  to  be  followed  by  a  full  dress  recep- 
tion at  home,  the  bride  should  wear  a  white  lace  dress 
over  satin,  or  any  other  material  to  suit  her  own  taste,  a 
veil,  falling  from  her  head  to  her  feet,  fastened  to  the 
hair  by  a  coiffure  of  orange  flowers ;  white  kid  gloves, 
and  white  satin  slippers.  A  bouquet,  if  carried,  should 
contain  only  white  flowers. 

The  bridesmaids  may  wear  white,  or  some  thin,  light- 
colored  material  over  white,  a  head-dress  of  flowers,  and 
carry  bouquets  of  mixed  flowers. 

When  the  wedding  takes  place  at  home,  let  the  com- 
pany assemble  in  the  front  drawing-room,  and  close  the 
doors  between  that  and  the  back  room.  In  the  back 
room,  let  the  bride,  bridegroom,  bridesmaids,  and  grooms- 
men, the  parents  of  the  bride,  and  the  clergyman,  as- 
Bemble.  The  clergyman  should  stand  in  the  centre  of 
the  room,  the  bride  and  groom  before  him,  the  brides- 
maids ranged  beside  the  bride,  the  groomsmen  beside  the 
bridegroom.     Then  open  the  doors  and  let  the  ceremonj 


262  LADIES*    BOOK   OF    ETIQUETTE. 

begin.  This  arrangement  saves  that  awkwardness  at 
tendaut  upon  entering  the  room  and  taking  the  position 
before  a  large  company. 

After  the  ceremony  is  over,  the  parents  of  the  bride 
speak  to  her  first ;  then  her  near  relatives,  and  not  until 
then  the  other  members  of  the  company. 

It  is  not  usual  now  to  have  dancing,  or  even  music,  at 
a  wedding,  and  the  hour  is  named  upon  the  cards,  at 
which  the  guests  are  expected  to  retire. 

A  very  pretty  effect  is  produced  in  the  wedding  group, 
if  the  bride  wears  pure  white,  and  the  bridesmaids  white, 
with  flowers  and  trimmings  of  a  different  color.  Thus, 
one  in  white,  with  a  head-dress  and  trimming  of  green 
leaves ;  another,  white,  with  blue  ribbons  and  forget-m^- 
nots ;  another,  white,  with  pink  roses  and  ribbons. 

If  the  wedding  is  in  the  morning,  the  bride  and 
family  may  wear  full  dress ;  in  that  case  the  shutters 
should  be  closed  and  the  rooms  lighted  as  in  the  even- 
ings. 

Let  the  supper  be  laid  early,  and  ready  when  the 
ceremony  is  over,  that  the  guests  may  pass  into  the 
dining-room,  if  they  wish,  as  soon  as  they  have  spoken 
to  the  bride.  If  a  morning  wedding,  let  the  table  be  set 
as  for  an  evening  wedding. 

If  the  bride  gives  a  reception  at  her  own  house,  after 
her  return  from  her  bridal  tour,  she  should  not  wear  her 
wedding-dress.  If  in  the  evening,  a  supper  should  be 
set.  If  a  morning  reception,  let  her  wear  a  handsome 
light  silk,  collar  and  sleeves  of  lace.  Wine  an  1  cake  are 
sufficient  to  hand  to  each  guest  at  a  morning  reception. 


BRIDAL    ETIQUETTE.  263 

At  an  evening  reception  let  the  bride  wear  full  dress, 
but  not  her  wedding-dress. 

At  parties  given  to  a  newlj  married  couple,  the  brides- 
maids and  groomsmen  are  always  invited,  and  the  whole 
party  are  expected  to  wear  the  same  dresses  as  ac  the 
wedding. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

HINTS  ON  HEALTH. 

The  universal  remark  of  travelers  visiting  America, 
as  well  as  the  universal  complaint  of  Americans  them- 
selves, relates  to  the  ill  health  of  the  fairer  portion  of 
the  community.  Look  where  you  will,  go  to  any  city  in 
the  vast  Union,  the  remark  and  complaint  will  be  made 
everywhere.  With  every  natural  advantage  of  climate, 
yet  from  North  to  South,  East  to  West  the  cry  resounds. 

Foreigners,  admiring  the  dark-eyed  girls  of  the  south- 
ern states  or  the  blondes  of  the  northern  ones,  will  re- 
mark, with  comments  upon  beauty : — 

"  But  she  looks  delicate,  poor  thing  ! — Not  strong  ? 
Ah !  I  thought  not,  none  of  the  American  women  are, 
and  how  soon  these  young  beauties  fade !" 

It  seems  to  me,  amongst  the  subjects  treated  of  in  my 
present  work,  that  a  few  words  on  health  will  not  come 
amiss. 

"Light  and  sunshine  are  needful  for  your  health. 
Get  all  you  can ;  keep  your  windows  clean.  Do  not 
block  them  up  with  curtains,  plants,  or  bunches  of 
flowers ; — these  last  poison  the  air,  in  small  rooms. 

"  Fresh  air  is  needful  for  your  health.  As  often  as 
264 


HINTS   ON    HEALTH.  265 

you  caii^  open  all  your  windows,  if  only  for  a  short  time 
m  bad  weather ;  in  fine  weather,  keep  them  open,  but 
never  sit  in  draughts.  When  you  get  up,  open  the  win- 
dows wide,  and  throw  down  the  bed-clothes,  that  tliey 
may  be  exposed  to  fresh  air  some  hours,  daily,  before 
they  are  made  up.  Keep  your  bed-clothes  clean ;  hang 
them  to  the  fire  when  you  can.  Avoid  wearing  at  night 
what  you  wear  in  the  day.  Hang  up  your  day-clothes 
at  night.  Except  in  the  severest  weather,  in  small, 
crowded  sleeping-rooms,  a  little  opening  at  the  top  of 
the  window-sash  is  very  important ;  or  you  will  find  one 
window  pane  of  perforated  zinc  very  useful.  You  will 
not  catch  cold  half  so  easily  by  breathing  pure  air  at 
night.  Let  not  the  beds  be  directly  under  the  windows. 
Sleeping  in  exhausted  air  creates  a  desire  for  stimulants. 
"  Pure  water  is  needful  for  your  health.  Wash  youi 
bodies  as  well  as  your  faces,  rubbing  them  all  over  with 
a  coarse  cloth.  If  you  cannot  wash  thus  every  morning, 
pray  do  so  once  a  week.  Crying  and  cross  children  are 
often  pacified  by  a  gentle  washing  of  their  little  hands 
and  faces — it  soothes  them.  Babies'  heads  should  be 
washed  carefully,  every  morning  with  soap.  No  scurf 
should  be  suffered  to  remain  upon  them.  Get  rid  of 
all  slops  and  dirty  water  at  once.  Disease,  and  even 
death,  is  often  the  consequence  of  our  own  negligence. 
Wash  your  rooms  and  passages  at  least  once  a  week,  use 
plenty  of  clean  water ;  but  do  not  let  your  children  stay 
in  them  while  they  are  wet,  it  may  bring  on  croup  oi 
mflammation  of  the  chest.  If  you  read  your  Bibles, 
which  it  is  earnestly  hoped  you  do,  you  will  find  how 
cleanliness,  both  as   to  the  person  and  habitation,  was 


266  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

taught  to  the  Jews  by  God  himself;  and  we  read  in  the 
4th  chapter  of  Neheraiah  that  when  they  were  building 
their  second  temple,  and  defending  their  lives  against 
their  foes,  having  no  time  for  rest,  they  contrived  to  put 
off  their  clothes  for  washing.  It  is  a  good  old  saying, 
that  cleanliness  is  next  to  godliness.     See   Heb.  x.  22. 

"Wholesome  food  is  needful  for  your  health.  Buy 
the  most  strengthening.  Pieces  of  fresh  beef  and  mut- 
ton go  the  farthest.  Eat  plenty  of  fresh  salt  with  food; 
it  prevents  disease.  Pray  do  not  let  your  children  waste 
their  pennies  in  tarts,  cakes,  bull's  eyes,  hardbake,  souf 
fruit,  &c.,  they  are  very  unwholesome,  and  hurt  the 
digestion.  People  would  often,  at  twenty  years  of  age, 
have  a  nice  little  sum  of  money  to  help  them  on  in  the 
world,  if  they  had  put  in  the  savings'  bank  the  money 
so  wasted.  Cocoa  is  cheaper  and  much  more  nourishing 
than  tea.  None  of  these  liquids  should  be  taken  hot, 
but  lukewarm ;  when  hot  they  inflame  the  stomach,  and 
produce  indigestion. 

"  We  are  all  made  to  breathe  the  pure  air  of  heaven, 
and  therefore  much  illness  is  caused  by  being  constantly 
in-doors.  Let  all  persons  make  a  point,  whenever  it  is 
possible,  of  taking  exercise  in  the  open  air  for  at  least 
an  hour  and  a  half  daily.  Time  would  be  saved  in  the 
long  run  by  the  increased  energy  and  strength  gained, 
and  by  the  warding  off  of  disease." 

Let  it  not  be  supposed  that  it  is  not  the  duty  of 
every  young  lady  to  take  due  care  of  her  health,  and  to 
preserve  in  all  its  power  of  utility  every  portion  of  vigor 
which  has  been  bestowed  on  her. 

With  many  young  ladies,  it  appears  to  be  a  maxim  to 


HINTS    OIN    HEALTH.         .  267 

A)  everything  in  their  power  to  destroy  the  health  which 
is  so  much  wanted  in  the  real  business  of  life,  and 
which  forms  so  important  a  requisite  to  happiness.  In 
the  first  place,  as  to  hours — they  never  leave  the  ball- 
room until  utterly  exhausted,  and  scarcely  fit  to  crawl  to 
bed.  The  noon-day  sleep,  the  scarcely  touched  break- 
fast, that  most  important  meal,  are  followed  by  prepara- 
tions for  the  succeeding  night's  pleasures,  or  in  head- 
aching  morning  calls,  driving  about  in  a  close  carriage, 
or  lounging  on  a  sofa,  in  an  over-heated  room,  reading 
novels. 

Dressing  follows ;  the  warm  wrapper  or  dress  is  thrown 
aside ;  over  the  tightly  drawn  corsets  is  fastened  a  flimsy 
dress,  with  an  inch  of  sleeve ;  the  neck  laid  bare ;  thin 
stockings  drawn  on,  in  place  of  thick  ones,  and  the  con- 
Bumption-seeker  goes  forth  to  the  ball-room  again. 

"  At  times,  you  miss  from  the  gay  assemblage  some 
former  ornament — you  inquire  about  her — she  has  taken 
cold.  Inflammation  of  the  lungs,  caught  it  in  an  acci- 
dental draught  of  air  by  one  of  these  fair  half-dressed 
beings,  carried  off",  not  long  since,  one  of  the  gayest  and 
fairest  of  the  belles  of  the  season — after  an  illness  of 
three  days. 

"Preservation  of  the  health  ought,  from  an  early 
stage  of  existence,  to  be  enforced  as  a  duty  upon  the 
young.  To  walk  daily ;  to  have  daily  recourse,  in  sum* 
mer,  even  twice  a  day,  to  the  sponging  with  cold  water, 
or  the  shower-bath ; — to  eat  sufiiciently  of  plain,  nutri- 
tious food;  to  keep  the  mind  calm — these  are  duties;-^ 
they  should  be  habitually  exercised.  Care  should  be 
taken  not  to  come  out  heated,  with  a  shawl  just  pinned 


268         LADTKS'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

across  the  shoulders,  from  a  heated  room.  Where  there 
is  delicacy  of  the  lungs  or  windpipe,  yet  not  sufficient  to 
render  a  withdrawal  from  evening  parties  necessary,  the 
use  of  a  respirator  at  night  is  desirable.  It  is  usual  to 
have  recourse  to  this  valuable  invention  only  when  dis 
eas«  is  actually  existing — as  a  preventive,  it  is  neglected 
Yet,  preserving  the  temperature  of  a  warm  room,  it  is 
an  excellent  precaution,  and  can  easily  be  assumed  when 
the  shawl  or  cloak  is  put  on.  The  atmosphere  of  a  city 
is  destructive  where  there  is  any  pulmonary  delicacy, 
and  who  shall  say,  where  there  is  not  pulmonary  deli- 
cacy ?  In  this  climate,  there  is  a  tendency  to  it,  more 
or  less,  in  almost  every  family, — at  all  events,  it  is  too 
easily  induced  in  our  predisposed  constitutions,  by  cold, 
aided  by  the  debilitating  effect  of  heated  rooms  and  an 
artificial  mode  of  existence,  and  accelerated  also,  most 
decidedly,  by  bared  shoulders.  For,  in  this  climate,  it 
is  scarcely  ever  safe  to  lay  bare  that  portion  of  the 
frame,  the  back  and  chest  in  which  the  lungs  are  seated; 
and,  although  custom  may  greatly  lead  to  diminish  the 
injurious  effects,  the  sudden  chill  may  strike,  and  may 
never  be  recovered. 

"During  every  season,  certain  people  have  Uiead 
colds,'  coughs,  and  *  feverish  colds.'  These  are  produced 
by  certain  states  of  climate  acting  on  certain  states  of 
constitution.  At  particular  seasons  such  complaints 
abound — at  others  they  abound  still  more ;  and  again, 
from  some  singularity,  they  prevail  so  much  that  people 
Bay,  there  is  an  Influenza, 

"Influenza  has  been  long  known  in  the  world.  It 
has  often  visited  Europe ;  and  made  its  appearance  on 


HINTS   ON   HEALTH.  269 

8ur  shores  with  greater  severity  than  at  present.  It  haa 
sometimes  been  very  severe,  and  left  many  persons  ill  for 
a  year  or  two. 

•'  The  symptoms  of  influenza  need  not  be  dwelt  on,  aa 
they  have  been  so  generally  felt  by  our  readers  or  their 
friends.  It  varies  in  different  people,  to  be  sure,  both 
in  kind  and  in  degree.  Considering  the  number  of  peo- 
ple it  attacks,  it  m?y  be  looked  on  as  an  innocent  dis- 
ease ;  but,  on  the  other  hand,  looking  at  the  increase  it 
has  made  in  the  number  of  deaths,  it  is  an  exceedingly 
serious  one  after  all. 

"  In  simple  cases — confinement  to  a  pure  and  temper- 
ate air,  warm  drinks,  and  a  warm  bath,  or,  at  least,  a 
warm  foot-bath,  with  an  extra  blanket,  and  a  little  more 
rest  than  usual,  keeping  to  mild  food,  and  toast  and 
water,  and  taking,  if  necessary,  a  dose  of  aperient  medi- 
cine,— is  all  that  is  required.  In  serious  cases,  the  do- 
mestic treatment  must  become  professional.  Mustard 
plasters  to  the  back  relieve  the  headache.  Squills  and 
other  medicines  'loosen'  the  outstanding  cough.  Bark 
and  wine,  and  even  cold  baths  are  sometimes  requisite 
for  the  weakness  left  behind.  But  these  things  can  only 
be  used  with  discrimination  by  a  regular  professional 
man. 

'*  Supposing  that  the  seeds  of  disease  have  net  been 
laid  in  childhood,  and  that  there  is  no  particular  predis- 
position to  any  malady  in  the  constitution,  a  young 
woman  enters  life  with  every  fair  prospect  of  enjoying 
tolerable  health ; — yet,  how  variable,  and  delicate,  and 
complaining,  do  the  majority  of  women  become  !  What 
ft  vast  expense  is  incurred,  during  the  course  of  theit 


270         LADIES'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

lives,  in  physicians,  medicine,  change  of  air,  baths 
abroad  and  at  home,  and  journeys !  How  few  women 
oan  walk, — or  can  suppress  nervous  feelings, — or  can  eat 
like  reasonable  beings :  how  many  suffer,  or  say  they 
suffer  from  debility,  headaches,  dyspepsia,  a  tendency 
to  col  is,  eternal  sore  throats,  rheumatic  attacks,  and  the 
whole  list  of  polite  complaints !  With  all  our  modern 
wisdom,  with  all  our  books  on  health,  our  smatterings  of 
physiological  science,  our  open  carriages,  sponging-baths, 
and  attention  to  diet,  women  now  are  a  far  more  feeble 
race  than  our  grandmothers,  or  even  our  mothers,  were. 
What  daughter  can  walk  half  as  far  as  her  mother  can  ? 
What  young  woman  can  take  the  active  part  that  her 
mother  did  ?  In  most  families,  the  order  of  things  is  re- 
versed. It  is  not  a  child  trembling  for  her  mother's 
health,  and  fearing,  lest  her  parent,  no  longer  young, 
should  be  fatigued ;  but  it  is  the  mother  who  is  always 
striving  to  spare  her  child  exertions  which  she  can  her- 
self perfectly  well  undergo,  but  which  the  enfeebled  child 
of  modern  self-indulgence  dare  not  encounter. 

"  Yes !  we  are  a  self-indulgent  race,  this  present  gen- 
eration. Witness  our  easily  excited  feelings;  witness 
our  late  hours  of  rising,  our  sofas  and  easy  chairs,  our 
useless  days  and  dissipated  nights  !  Witness  our  pallid 
faces,  our  forms,  sometimes  attenuated  and  repulsive 
while  yet  in  early  life,  age  marching,  not  creeping,  on 
before  his  time;  or  witness  our  over-fed  and  over-ex- 
panded forms,  enfeebled  by  indolence,  and  suffering  tho 
worst  species  of  debility — the  debility  of  fat.  Witness 
our  doing  those  things  by  deputy  which  our  grand- 
mothers did  themselves ;  witness  our  host  of  scents  and 


HINTS   ON   HEALTH.  271 

perfumed  waters  on  our  dressing-tables ;  our  over-refine- 
ment, which  amounts  to  an  enervating  puerility,  and  our 
incapacity  of  parting  with  one  accustomed  indulgence, 
even  at  the  bidding  of  the  learned  and  disinterested  ad 
viser  ? 

*'*In  the  education  of  women/  writes  a  modern  phy 
sician,  '  too  little  attention  is  given  to  subdue  the  imag 
inative  faculty,  and  to  moderate  sensibility ;  on  the  con- 
trary, they  are  generally  fostered ;  and,  instead  of  a 
vigorous  intellect  and  healthy  condition  of  mind,  we  find 
imagination  and  sentiment  predominant  over  the  reason- 
ing faculties,  and  laying  the  foundation  of  hysterical, 
hypochondriacal,  and  even  maniacal  diseases.'*  It  is, 
in  fact,  this  want  of  judgment  in  the  management  of 
early  life  that  produces  so  much  misery  when  women  are 
called  upon  to  perform  an  important  part  in  society,  and 
when  all  that  exertion  can  do  is  required  at  their  hands. 

"  The  duration  of  sleep  should  not,  in  the  adult,  ex- 
ceed six  or  eight  hours;  women  injure  their  health 
greatly  by  excess  in  this  respect.  On  rising,  all  womec 
should  use  some  mode  of  cold  or  tepid  bath ;  and,  indeed^ 
in  this  respect  the  practice  of  the  present  day  is  admir* 
able ;  there  is  every  facility  for  the  bath.  To  some,  tha 
use  of  the  shower-bath  is  deleterious,  and  to  all  incon- 
venient, and  not  likely  to  be  resorted  to  except  when 
positively  ordered.  Dr.  Combe  recommends  for  general 
ase  the  tepid  or  warm  bath,  as  being  much  more  suitable 
than  the  cold  bath,  *  especially  in  the  winter  for  those 
vho  are  not  robust,  and  full  of  animal  heat.*  When  the 
sonstitution  is  not  sufficiently  vigorous  to  ensure  reaction 
*  "  The  Sick-Room,"  by  Dr.  A.  T.  Thomson. 


272  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

after  the  cold  bath,  by  producing  a  warm  glow  over  the 
surface,  *its  use,'  observes  the  same  admirable  writer 
*  inevitably  does  harm.'  But  he  enforces,  that  ^  in  ordei 
to  promote  a  due  exhalation  from  the  skin,  the  warm, 
the  tepid,  or  the  shower-bath,  as  a  means  of  preserving 
health,  ought  to  be  in  as  common  use  as  a  change  of  ap- 
parel, for  it  is  equally  a  measure  of  necessary  cleanli* 
ness.*  He  inclines  to  the  use  of  the  tepid  bath,  as  likely 
to  be  the  most  generally  efl&cacious. 

"I  have  known  the  most  beneficial  eflfects  from  a 
modification  of  this  advice,  namely,  from  using  a  spong- 
ing-bath,  into  which  you  pour  a  jug  of  warm  water,  and 
in  which  you  stand,  whilst  you  sponge  the  body  and 
limbs  profusely  with  cold  water.  A  strong  friction 
should  be  employed  after  this  process,  either  with  horse- 
hair gloves  or  with  a  large  coarse  towel,  and  few  persons 
will  find  the  use  of  the  sponging-bath  disagree  with  them 
when  thus  employed.  It  is,  indeed,  incredible,  when  we 
consider  the  importance  of  the  exhalation  performed  by 
the  skin,  to  what  extent  ablution  is  neglected,  not  only, 
as  Dr.  Combe  specifies,  in  charitable  institutions  and 
seminaries  for  the  young,  but  by  ladies,  in  ordinary  cir- 
cumstances, to  whom  the  use  of  the  bath  could  be  pro- 
ductive of  no  inconvenience.  In  nervous  complamts, 
whioh  are  more  or  less  the  besetting  evil  of  womankmd, 
the  bath,  in  its  various  forms,  becomes  an  invaluable  aid. 

"In  the  formation  of  those  habits  which  are  necessary 
for  the  preservation  of  health,  another  circumstance, 
which,  from  its  importance  to  health,  cannot  be  deemed 
trifling  should  be  mentioned.  It  is  a  general  practice 
ihat  beds  should  be  made  as  soon  as  the  occupants  have 


HINTS   ON   HEALTH.  27S 

feft  their  rooms,  and  before  the  air  has  been  freely  ad 
milted  to  play  upon  the  recent  depositary  of  the  human 
frame ;  but  this  should  be  avoided.  The  bed-linen  and 
blankets  should  be  taken  oif,  and  the  windows  opened,  so 
that,  for  an  hour  or  more,  a  thorough  ventilation  should 
bo  procured. 

"  Upon  another  point,  the  inconsistency  and  mental 
blindness  of  women  are  almost  inconceivable — the  in- 
sufficiency of  their  dress  to  resist  the  attacks  of  our 
variable  climate.  How  few  women  clothe  themselves 
like  rational  beings !  Although,  in  latter  years,  they 
have  wisely  adopted  the  use  of  warm  dresses,  and,  more 
especially,  of  the  valuable  Scottish  plaid,  yet  how  com- 
monly  they  neglect  the  aid  of  flannel  in  preserving  them 
not  only  from  cold,  but  in  securing  a  necessary  circula- 
tion of  vitality  in  the  skin  !  *  The  necessary  effect  of 
deficient  circulation  in  the  skin,'  remarks  Dr.  Combe, 
'  is  to  throw  a  disproportionate  mass  of  blood  inwards ; 
and  when  this  condition  exists,  insufficient  clothing  per- 
petuates the  evil,  until  internal  disease  is  generated,  and 
health  is  irrecoverably  lost.'  How  common  is  the  com- 
plaint among  young  women,  especially  those  of  sedentary 
habits,  of  chilliness,  cold  feet,  and  other  symptoms  of 
deficient  circulation !  and  yet  how  impossible  would  it 
often  be — for  women  are  usually  obstinate  on  this  head 
— to  induce  them  to  exchange  the  thin  silk  stocking  for 
^  warm  merino  one,  or  to  substitute  a  proper  walking 
shoe  for  the  paper-like  articles  wTtiich  they  designate  by 
that  name  !  Hence  arise  many  diseases,  which  are,  by 
insensible  degrees,  fostered  in  the  system  by  the  unequal 
distribution  of  the  blood  oppressing  the  internal  organa 
18 


274         LADIES'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

The  habitual  tendency  to  that  chilliness  which  has  been 
referred  to  should  never  be  disregarded,  'laying,  as  it 
docs,'  says  Dr.  Combe,  *  the  foundation  of  tubercles  in 
the  lungs,  and  other  maladies,  which  show  themselves 
only  when  arrived  at  an  incurable  stage.'  '  All  those 
who  value  health,  and  have  common  sense,  will  therefore 
take  warning  from  signs  like  these,  and  never  rest  until 
equilibrium  of  action  be  restored.'  Warm  clothing,  ex- 
ercise in  the  open  air,  sponging  with  tepid  water  and 
vinegar,  or  the  warm  bath,  the  use  of  a  flesh-brush  or 
hair-glove,  are  adapted  to  remedy  these  serious  and 
threatening  evils. 

"  But,  whilst  insufficiency  of  clothing  is  to  be  depre- 
cated, excessive  wrapping  up  should  also  be  avoided. 
Great  differences  exist  between  the  power  of  generating 
heat  and  resisting  cold  in  individuals,  and  it  is  therefore 
impossible  to  prescribe  general  rules  upon  the  subject  of 
clothing.  The  best  maxim  is,  not  to  dress  in  an  invari- 
able way  in  all  cases,  but  to  put  on  clothing  sufficient  in 
the  individual  case,  to  protect  the  body  effectively 
against  the  sensation  of  cold.* 

"  The  insufficiency  of  warmth  in  the  clothing  of  fe- 
males constitutes  only  one  part  of  its  injurious  effects. 
The  tightness  of  dress  obstructs  the  insensible  perspira- 
tion hurtfully,  and  produces  an  irregular  circulation. 
Every  part  and  function  of  the  human  frame  are  linked 
together  so  closely,  that  we  cannot  act  wrongly  towards 
one  organ  without  all  suffering,  nor  act  rightly  without 
all  sharing  the  benefit  of  our  judgment  and  good  sense. 

"  The  mischief  arising  from  cold  or  wet  feet  is  admit* 
*  Dr.  Combe. 


HIItTS    ON   HEALTH.  276 

ted  by  all  persons  who  have  given  the  sabject  of  health 
even  the  raost  casual  consideration.  In  conversing  with 
very  aged  people,  you  will  generally  find  a  disregard  of 
diet,  and  very  different  notions  and  practices  upon  the 
subject  of  exercise  and  ablution ;  but  they  all  agree  in 
the  necessity  of  keeping  the  feet  dry.  I  remember  in- 
quiring of  a  venerable  clergyman,  who,  up  to  the  age  of 
ninety-six,  had  enjoyed  a  fair  proportion  of  health,  after 
a  youth  of  delicacy.  I  asked  him  what  system  he  pur- 
sued. 'Now,'  was  his  reply,  '  I  never  took  much  can 
what  I  ate ;  I  have  always  been  temperate.  I  nevei 
minded  the  weather;  but  I  always  took  care  to  keep 
my  feet  dry  and  well  shod.*  Wet  and  damp  are,  indeed, 
more  unwholsome  when  applied  to  the  feet  than  when 
they  affect  other  parts ;  '  because  they  receive  a  greater 
supply  of  blood  to  carry  on  a  high  degree  of  perspira- 
tion, and  because  their  distance  from  the  heart,  or  centre 
of  circulation,  diminishes  the  force  with  which  this  is 
carried  on,  and  thus  leaves  them  more  susceptible  from 
external  causes.** 

"  God,  in  his  infinite  benevolence,  has  given  to  his 
creatures  other  means  of  acquiring  a  healthy  warmth 
than  by  clothing ;  he  has  endowed  us  with  the  power  of 
exercise — that  blessing  which  women  of  weak  judgment 
and  indolent  natures  are  so  prone  tz  neglect  and  dispar- 
age. Most  ladies  appear  to  think  that  the  privilege  of 
walking  is  only  intended  for  persons  of  inferior  condi' 
tion.  They  busy  themselves  in  their  in-door  occupations 
all  the  morning,  take  a  hearty  luncheon,  and  drive  out 
in  their  carriages  until  dinner-time.  It  is  partly  owing 
*  Dr.  Combe. 


276  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

to  such  customs  as  these  that  a  rapid  deterioration  takes 
place  in  the  physical  state  of  our  sex,  in  their  Icoks,  and 
in  their  power  of  utility,  and  enjoyment  of  happiness. 
God  never  intended  us  to  be  inactive. 

"  The  chief  purpose  of  the  muscles  with  which  wo  are 
endowed,  is  to  enable  us  to  carry  into  effect  the  volitions 
of  the  mind ;  and,  whilst  fulfilling  this  grand  object,  the 
active  exercise  of  the  muscles  is  conducive  to  the  well- 
being  of  many  other  important  functions.  The  processes 
of  digestion,  respiration,  secretion,  absorption,  and  nutri- 
tion, are  promoted,  and  the  healthful  condition  of  the 
whole  body  influenced.  The  mind  also  ]s  depressed  or 
exhilarated  by  the  proper  or  improper  use  of  muscular  ex- 
ercise ;  for  man  is  intended  for  a  life  of  activity :  nor  can  hia 
functions  ever  go  on  so  properly  as  when  he  duly  exer- 
cises those  organs  with  which  Nature  has  endowed  him. 
The  evils  arising  from  want  of  exercise  are  numerous : 
— the  circulation,  from  the  absence  of  due  stimulus,  be- 
comes languid,  the  appetite  and  digestion  are  weakened, 
the  respiration  is  imperfect,  and  the  blood  becomes  so  ill- 
conditioned,  that  when  distributed  through  the  body  it  ia 
inadequate  to  communicate  the  necessary  stimulus  to 
healthy  and  vigorous  action.  These  points  being  estab- 
lished, it  now  becomes  a  consideration  in  what  mode,  or 
at  what  periods,  ladies,  in  society,  can  most  advan- 
tageously avail  themselves  of  that  privilege  which  ia 
granted  to  so  many,  denied,  comparatively,  to  so  few. 

"Much  is  said  on  the  benefits  of  walking  before 
breakfast,  and  to  a  person  in  full  vigor  it  may,  there  ia 
no  doubt,  be  highly  salutary ;  whilst,  to  the  delicate,  it 
will  prove  more  hurtful  than  beneficial,   producing  a 


9 

HINTS  ON  iiEALrn.  277 

sense  of  weariness  -whicli  destroys  all  the  future  pleasures 
of  the  day.  I  am  disposed  to  think,  however,  from  ob- 
servation, that  walking  before  breakfast  may  be  rendered 
beneficial  almost  to  any  one  by  degrees.  Most  persona 
walk  too  far  the  first  day ;  they  are  proud  of  the  eifort, 
become,  nevertheless,  exhausted,  and  dare  not  repeat  it. 
A  first  walk  before  breakfast  should  not  exceed  a  quartei 
of  a  mile ;  it  should  be  extended  very  gradually,  and, 
in  delicate  women,  with  great  care,  lest  over-fatigue 
should  ensue.  It  is,  however,  so  valuable  a  habit,  such 
a  saving  of  time,  so  refreshing,  so  soothing,  that  many 
sacrifices  of  inclination  should  be  made  to  procure  it;  in  a 
gay  season  the  freshness  and  seclusion  of  a  morning's  walk 
is  peculiarly  needed,  and  when  it  becomes  so  diflficult  to 
take  exercise  in  the  subsequent  part  of  the  day,  the  after- 
noon being  too  short,  and  the  evening  too  much  occupied. 
And  the  morning's  walk,  stolen  from  the  hour  given  to 
a  species  of  repose  which  seldom  rests,  may  be,  without 
the  reproach  of  indolence,  followed  by  the  afternoon's 
siesta — a  practice  much  to  be  commended,  and  greatly 
conducive  to  rest  of  nerves  and  invigoration  of  the  frame, 
when  used  in  moderation. 

"  Exercise  may  be  taken,  by  the  robust,  at  any  time, 
even  after  eating  heartily,  but  the  delicate  ought  to  avoid 
that  risk ;  they  should  resort  to  it  only  when  the  franco  is 
vigorous  enough  to  bear  it,  and  this  is  usually  fr^m  one 
to  four  or  five  hours  after  eating.  The  morning  is, 
therefore,  the  best  time ;  but  exercise  ought  not  to  be 
delayed  until  some  degree  of  exhaustion  has  taken  place 
from  want  of  food,  as  in  that  case  it  dissipates  rather 
than  renovates  the  remaining  strength,  and  impairs  di* 


278         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

gestion.  Exercise  immediately  before  meals  is  therefore, 
unless  very  gentle,  injurious;  if  it  has  been  violent,  be- 
fore eating  rest  should  intervene.  "Appetite,"  says  Dr 
Combe,  "revives  after  repose." 

'^  Of  all  modes  of  exercise,  that  which  nature  has  bf- 
Btowed  upon  us,  walking,  is  decidedly  the  most  salutary  ; 
and  the  prevailing  system  of  substituting  horse  and  car 
riage  exercise  almost  entirely  for  it,  is  far  from  being 
advantageous  to  the  present  generation.  Walking, 
which  has  for  its  aim  some  pleasing  pursuit,  and,  there- 
fore, animates  the  mind,  is  efficacious  to  the  majority. 
Gardening,  which  is  a  modification  of  walking,  offers 
many  advantages  both  to  the  delicate  and  the  strong, 
and  it  is  a  species  of  exercise  which  we  can  adjust  to  our 
powers.  In  a  continued  walk  you  must  go  on — you 
must  return;  there  is  no  appeal,  even  if  you  have  gone 
too  far,  and  would  willingly  give  up  any  further  exertion. 
But,  while  gardening,  you  are  still  at  home — your  exer- 
tions are  devoted  to  objects  the  most  interesting,  because 
progressive;  hope  and  faith  form  a  part  of  your  stimu- 
lus. The  happy  future,  when  flowers  shall  bloom  around 
you,  supersedes  in  your  thoughts  the  vexatious  present 
or  the  mournful  past.  About  you  are  the  budding  trea- 
sures of  spring,  or  the  gorgeous  productions  of  summer, 
or  the  rich  hues  of  those  beauties  which  autumn  pours 
forth  most  lavishly  before  it  departs, — and  is  succeeded 
by  w^inter.  Above  you  are  the  gay  warblers,  who  seem 
to  hail  you  as  you  mingle  in  the  sylvan  scenes  which  are 
not  all  theirs,  but  which  you  share  and  appropriate. 
The  ruffled  temper,  the  harassed  mind,  may  find  a  solace 
m  the  occupation  of  gardening,  which  aids  the  effect  of 


HINTS    ON   HEALTH  279 

exercise  and  the  benign  influence  of  fresh  air.  Storea 
of  future  and  never-dying  interest  are  buried  in  the 
earth  with  every  seed,  only  to  spring  up  again  redoubled 
m  their  value.  A  lady,  as  a  writer  in  the  '  Quarterly 
Review'  observes,  should  '  not  only  have  but  know  her 
plants.  And  her  enjoyment  of  those  delights  is  truly 
enhanced  by  that  personal  care,  without  which  few  gar- 
dens, however  superintended  by  the  scientific  gardener,  can 
prosper,  and  which  bless  as  they  thrive  ;  her  plants  bestow 
health  on  the  frame  which  is  bowed  down  to  train  them 
— they  give  to  her  the  blessing  of  a  calm  and  rational 
pleasure — they  relieve  her  from  the  necessity  of  excite- 
ment— they  promote  alike,  in  the  wealthy  and  the  poor, 
these  gentle  exertions  which  are  coupled  with  the  most 
poetical  and  the  sweetest  of  associations. 

"  Exercise  on  horseback  is  not  equally  attainable  with 
the  two  modes  which  I  have  just  specified ;  when  it  is, 
the  accelerated  circulation,  the  change  of  scene  and  of 
ideas,  are  highly  beneficial.  Where  the  lungs  are  weak, 
it  is  thought  by  the  learned  to  possess  a  great  advantage 
over  walking,  as  it  does  not  hurry  the  breathing.  The 
gentleness  of  the  exercise  enables  a  delicate  person  to 
enjoy  the  advantage  of  open  air  and  motion  for  a  much 
longer  period  than  could  be  endured  in  the  action  of 
walking.  From  the  tendency  of  horse  exercise  to  equal- 
ize the  circulation  and  stimulate  the  skin,  it  is  invaluable, 
too,  for  the  nervous  and  dyspeptic  portion  of  young 
women,  among  whom,  unhappily,  such  complaints  aro 
but  too  prevalent. 

"Dancing,  which  is  the  most  frequent  mode  of  exer- 
cise with  ladies  in  great  cities,  practiced,  as  il  is,  m 


280         LADIES  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

heated  rooms,  and  exhausting  from  its  violence,  ofteik 
does  more  harm  than  good,  from  producing  languor  and 
over-fatigue.  Unhappily  there  are  but  few  modes  of  ex- 
orcise in-doors  adapted  for  women.  If,  from  any  cir- 
cumstances, they  are  confined  to  their  homes,  and  they 
become  feverish  and  languid  from  want  of  exercise,  it 
never  occurs  to  them  to  throw  open  the  windows  and  to 
walk  about,  or  to  make  use  of  battledore  and  shuttle- 
cock, or  any  other  mode  of  exertion.  They  continue 
sitting,  reading,  or  walking,  or  lounging,  or  sleeping,  or 
gossiping, — whilst  the. bloom  of  health  is  rapidly  giv- 
ing place  to  the  wanness  and  debility  of  the  imprisonet 
frame. 

"It  is  often  the  custom  of  young  women  to  declare 
that  they  cannot  walk,  sometimes  from  indolence,  no 
doubt,  and  want  of  habit,  occasionally  from  real  inability. 
But  if  we  investigate  the  causes  of  this  real  inability,  we 
shall  often  find  it  to  proceed  from  an  improper  choice  of 
time  in  taking  exercise,  or  from  a  defective  judgment  in 
the  manner  of  taking  it.  Many  women  exhaust  and  fa- 
tigue themselves  with  the  duties  of  their  house,  and  by 
a  thousand  trying  occupations,  including  that  which 
forms  a  serious  item  in  the  day's  work,  namely,  running 
up  and  down  stairs,  and  then  discover  that  they  cannot 
walk.  Others  go  to  extremes,  and  walk  for  a  certain 
distance,  whether  they  feel  fatigued  or  not  by  such  ex- 
ertions. 'It  is  only,'  observes  Dr.  Combe,  *by  a  diffu- 
sion of  the  laws  of  exercise  as  a  part  of  useful  education, 
that  individuals  can  be  enabled  to  avoid  such  mistakes/ 
To  be  beneficial,  exercise  should  always  be  proportioned 
ko  the  strength  and  to  the  constitution  of  an  individual, 


HINTS   ON   HEALTH.  281 

When  it  causes  extreme  fatigue  or  exhaustion,  it  is  liurt- 
ful ;  it  ought  to  be  resumed  always  after  a  period  of  rest, 
and  adopted  regularly,  not,  as  too  many  persons  are  in 
the  habit  of  doing,  once  in  four  or  five  days.  The  av- 
erage walk  which  a  young  woman  in  good  health  and  in 
ordinary  circumstances,  may  take,  without  undue  and 
injurious  fatigue,  is  from  four  to  five  miles  a-day.  From 
this  rule  I  except  the  very  young.  It  has  been  found 
by  experience  that  until  twenty-two  or  three  the  strength 
is  not  completely  matured.  The  rate  of  mortality,  as  it 
has  been  proved  by  statistical  tables,  increases  in  all 
classes  of  society  from  fourteen  until  the  age  of  twenty- 
three,  when  it  begins  to  decrease. 

"Another  precaution  which  I  would  recommend  to 
those  who  have  the  regulation  of  families  under  their 
care,  relates  to  the  subject  of  ventilation.  The  heated 
state  of  our  rooms  in  ordinary  occupation  is  one  great 
source  of  all  those  mischiefs  which  arise  from  catching 
cold,  a  subject  on  which  Mr.  Abernethy  was  wont  to  de- 
clare, that '  a  very  useful  book  might  be  written.^  There 
are  some  houses  into  which  one  can  never  enter  with  im- 
punity, from  the  want  of  due  ventilation.  Housemaids, 
more  especially,  have  an  insupportable  objection  to 
opening  windows,  on  account  of  the  dust  which  flies  in 
and  settles  upon  the  furniture.  This  evil — for  the  soil- 
ing of  furniture  certainly  may  be  called  an  evil — may 
easily  be  obviated  by  fastening  a  muslin  blind  against 
the  open  window,  or  by  pinning  a  large  piece  of  coarse 
muslin  against  it,  so  that  the  dusty  particles  will  be  ex- 
cluded. 

"  Generally  our  ordinary  sitting-rooms  are  tolerabl;^ 


282  LADIES'    BOOK   OF    ETIQUETTE. 

well  ventilated  by  the  opening  and  shutting  (f  doors, 
the  size  of  the  fire-place,  &c.,  but  in  our  bed-rooms  the 
vitiation  of  the  air  is  far  greater,  owing  to  these  rooms 
being  wholly  closed  during  the  seven  or  eight  hours  in 
which  we  sleep  in  them,  and,  also,  owing  to  the  mass  of 
curtains  with  which  we  usually  take  care  to  surround  our 
beds.  In  this  respect  we  are,  indeed,  improved,  by  the 
introduction  of  French  bedsteads,  which  are  among  the 
most  valuable  of  modern  suggestions.  But,  notwith- 
standing this  improvement^  and  many  others  which  re- 
flection and  science  have  contributed  to  introduce,  we 
incur  much  suffering  from  our  ignorance  and  prejudice 
on  the  subject  of  ventilation.  For  generations,  society 
has  experienced  the  evil  effects  of  the  want  of  ventila- 
tion, and  has  felt  in  towns  its  results  in  the  form  of  fe- 
vers, general  ill-health,  cutaneous  and  nervous  diseases ; 
and  yet  the  most  direful  ignorance  continues  on  this  sub- 
ject. Hospitals  are  among  the  few  well-ventilated 
buildings  which  are  erected,  because  an  idea  prevails 
that  ventilation  is  essential  for  the  sick,  but  it  seems  to 
have  been  forgotten  that  what  is  essential  for  the  re- 
covery of  health  is  equally  necessary  for  its  preservation. 
*  Were,'  says  Dr.  Combe,  ^  a  general  knowledge  of  the 
structure  of  man  to  constitute  a  regular  part  of  a  liberal 
education,  such  inconsistencies  as  this  would  soon  disap- 
pear, and  the  scientific  architect  would  speedily  devise 
the  best  means  for  supplying  our  houses  with  pure  air, 
as  he  has  already  supplied  them  with  pure  water.*  '* 


CHAPTER    XXVI. 

MISCELLANEOUS. 

There  are  many  little  pieces  of  rudeness,  only  too 
common,  which,  while  they  evince  ill-breeding,  and  are 
many  of  them  extremely  annoying,  yet  they  are  met 
with  every  day,  and  in  persons,  otherwise  well-bred. 

As  they  come  under  no  particular  head,  they  will 
merely  be  mentioned  here,  as  habits  carefully  to  avoid. 

It  is  rude  to  look  over  the  shoulder  of  a  person  who 
is  either  reading  or  writing,  yet  it  is  done  every  day. 

To  stand  with  the  arms  a-kimbo,  the  hands  on  the 
hips,  or  with  the  arms  crossed,  while  conversing,  is  exceed- 
ingly unlady-like. 

Avoid  restless  movements  either  with  the  hands  or 
feet ;  to  sit  perfectly  quiet,  without  stiifness,  easily,  yet 
at  the  same  time  almost  motionless,  is  one  of  the  surest 
proofs  of  high-breeding. 

If  you  wish  to  make  yourself  agreeable  to  any  one, 
talk  as  much  as  you  please  aBout  his  or  her  aflfairs,  and 
as  little  as  possible  about  your  own. 

Avoid  passing  before  persons  seated  in  the  same  room 
with  yourself.  If  you  must  rise  to  move  from  place  to 
place,  endeavor  to  pass  behind  the  chairs  of  your  com« 

283 


284         LADIES'  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

panions.  Above  all,  never  pass  between  two  personw 
who  are  conversing  together. 

Avoid  personal  remarks ;  they  evince  a  want  of  judg- 
ment, good  taste,  kindness,  and  politeness.  To  exchange 
glances  or  significant  smiles  with  a  third  person,  whilst 
engaged  in  a  conversation  with  a  second,  is  a  proof  of 
low-breeding.  Suppressed  laughter,  shrugging  of  the 
shoulders,  rolling  of  the  eyes,  and  significant  glances  are 
all  marks  of  ill-breeding. 

If  you  meet  a  gentleman  at  the  foot  of  a  flight  of 
stairs,  do  not  go  up  before  him.  Stop,  bow,  and  motion 
to  him  to  precede  you.  He  will  return  your  bow,  and 
run  up,  leaving  you  to  follow  him. 

Never  whisper,  or  make  any  confidential  communica- 
tion in  company.  Keep  private  remarks  for  private  oc- 
casions. 

Accepting  presents  from  gentlemen  is  a  dangerous 
thing.  It  is  better  to  avoid  any  such  obligations,  and, 
if  you  make  it  a  rule  never  to  accept  such  presents,  you 
will  avoid  hurting  any  one's  feelings,  and  save  yourself 
from  all  further  perplexity. 

In  meeting  your  elderly  friends  in  the  street,  look  at 
them  long  enough  to  give  them  an  opportunity  of  recog- 
nizing you ;  and  if  they  do  so,  return  their  salutationa 
respectfully,  not  with  the  familiar  nod  you  would  give  to 
one  of  your  own  age. 

Never  remain  seated,  whilst  a  person  older  than  your- 
self is  standing  before  you,  talking  to  you. 

Never  lounge  on  a  sofa,  while  there  are  those  ii-  the 
room,  whoso  years  give  them  a  better  claim  to  thia  ^ort 
of  iudulgence. 


MISCELLANEOUS.  286 

Never  tease  a  person  to  do  what  slie  has  once  de- 
clined. 

Never  refuse  a  request  or  invitation  in  order  to  be 
urged,  and  accept  afterwards.  Comply  at  once.  If  the 
request  is  sincere,  you  will  thus  aflford  gratification ;  if 
not,  the  individual  making  it  deserves  to  be  punished  for 
insincerity,  by  being  taken  at  her  word. 

It  is  not  polite  when  asked  what  part  of  a  dish  you 
will  have,  to  say,  "  Any  part — it  is  quite  indifi'erent  to 
me ;"  it  is  hard  enough  to  carve  for  one's  friends,  with- 
out choosing  for  them. 

It  is  not  polite  to  entertain  a  visitor  with  your  own 
family  history,  or  the  events  of  your  own  household. 

It  is  not  polite  for  married  ladies  to  talk,  in  the  pre- 
sence of  gentlemen,  of  the  difficulty  they  have  in  pro- 
curing domestics,  and  how  good-for-nothing  they  are 
when  procured. 

It  is  not  polite  to  put  food  upou  the  plate  of  a  guest 
without  asking  leave,  or  to  press  her  to  eat  more  than 
ehe  wants. 

It  is  not  polite  to  stare  under  ladies'  bonnets,  as  if 
you  suspected  they  had  stolen  the  linings  from  you,  or 
wore  something  that  was  not  their  own. 

Never  affect  a  foolish  reserve  in  a  mixed  company, 
keeping  aloof  from  others  as  if  in  a  state  of  mental  ab- 
straction. If  your  brain  is  so  full  and  so  busy  that  yon 
cannot  attend  to  the  little  civilities,  cheerful  chit-chat, 
and  light  amusements  of  society,  keep  out  of  it. 

Never  read  in  company.  You  may  open  a  book  to 
look  over  the  engravings,  if  you  will,  but  do  not  attend 
to  the  letter-press  until  you  are  alone. 


286  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Never  jest  upon  serious  subjects.  Avoid  scapdal.  If 
another  person  attempts  to  open  a  conversation  upon 
scandalous  matters,  check  her.  Say  gravely  that  it  is 
painful  for  you  to  hear  of  the  faults  or  misfortunes  of 
others,  where  your  counsel  and  assistance  can  be  of  no 
service. 

Many  persons,  whose  tongues  never  utter  a  scandalous 
word,  will,  by  a  significant  glance,  a  shrug  of  the  shoul- 
ders, a  sneer,  or  curl  of  the  lip,  really  make  more  mis- 
chief, and  suggest  harder  thoughts  than  if  they  used  the 
severest  language.  This  is  utterly  detestable.  If  you 
have  your  tongue  under  perfect  control,  you  can  also 
control  your  looks,  and  you  are  cowardly,  contemptible, 
and  wicked,  when  you  encourage  and  countenance  slan- 
der by  a  look  or  gesture. 

Never  speak  of  gentlemen  by  their  first  name  unless 
you  are  related  to  them.  It  is  very  unlady-like  to  use 
the  surname,  without  the  prefix,  Mr.  To  hear  a  lady 
speak  of  Smith,  Brown,  Anderson,  instead  of  Mr.  Ander- 
son or  Mr.  Smith  sounds  extremely  vulgar,  and  is  a 
mark  of  low  breeding. 

Avoid  eccentricity  either  in  dress,  conversation,  or 
manner.  It  is  a  form  of  vanity,  as  it  will  attract  atten- 
tion, and  is  therefore  in  bad  taste. 

Never  act  as  if  in  a  hurry.  Ease  of  action  need  not 
imply  laziness,  but  simply  polite  self-possession. 

Never  laugh  at  your  own  wit.  That  is  the  part  of 
those  who  hear  you,  and  if  you  take  their  duty  from 
them,  they  may  omit  to  join  you  in  your  laugh. 

Do  not  mdulge  in  ridicule.     It  is  coarse  and  unlady 


MISCELLANEOUS.  287 

like  as  well  as  unfeeling.  Like  every  other  perscnality, 
it  should  be  carefully  avoided. 

Never  handle  any  ornament  or  article  of  furniture  in 
the  room  in  which  you  are  a  visitor. 

Do  not  lean  your  head  against  the  wall.  You  leave 
an  indelible  mark  upon  the  paper,  or,  if  the  wall  ia 
whitewashed,  you  give  your  hair  a  dingy,  dusty  look,  by 
bringing  it  into  contact  with  the  lime. 

Never  lean  forward  upon  a  table.  Let  neither  hands 
nor  arms  rest  there  heavily. 

To  bestow  flattery  upon  a  person  to  his  face,  betrays 
a  want  of  delicacy;  yet,  not  less,  so,  rudely  to  rebuke 
his  errors  or  mention  his  faults,  and  not  have  a  tender 
regard  for  his  feelings.  It  is  not  improper,  and  may 
sometimel  be  very  kind  to  mention  to  an  individual  what 
yourself  and  others  think  of  his  conduct  or  perform- 
ances, when  it  is  for  his  interest  or  usefulness  to  know 
it.  To  express  to  a  friend  deserved  approbation  is  gen- 
erally proper. 

Nothing  but  a  quick  perception  of  the  feelings  of 
others,  and  a  ready  sympathy  witK  them,  can  regulate 
the  thousand  little  proprieties  that  belong  to  visits  of 
condolence  and  congratulation.  There  is  one  hint,  how- 
ever, as  regards  the  former,  which  may  perhaps  be  use- 
ful, and  that  is,  not  to  touch  upon  the  cause  of  aflliction, 
jnless  the  mourner  leads  the  way  to  it ;  and  if  a  painful 
effort  is  made  to  appear  cheerful,  and  to  keep  aloof  from 
the  subject,  do  not  make  the  slightest  allusion  that  could 
mcrease  this  feeling. 

When  at  table  to  press  your  guests  to  take  more  than 
they  have  inclination  for,  is  antiquated  and  rude.     This 


288  LADIES     BOOK    OF   ETxQUETTE. 

does  not,  however,  prevent  your  recommending  partlculai 
dishes  to  their  attention.  Everything  like  compulsion  is 
quite  exploded. 

It  is  a  great  mistake  to  suppose  that  the  hest  music  is 
the  most  difficult  of  execution.  The  very  reverse,  gen- 
erally speaking,  is  the  case.  Music  of  a  high  order  cer- 
tainly demands  high  gifts  and  attainments  on  the  part 
of  the  performer.  But  the  gifts  of  nature  may  he  pns 
Bossed  by  the  amateur  as  well  as  by  the  professor ;  and 
the  attainments  of  art  may  be  the  result  of  moderate 
study  and  application.  A  young  lady  possessed  of  a  sweet 
and  tunable  voice,  a  good  ear,  intelligence,  and  feeling, 
may  cultivate  music  in  its  grandest  and  most  beautiful 
forms,  and  may  render  its  practice  a  source  of  the  purest 
enjoyment,  not  only  to  herself  but  to  her  domestic  and 
social  circle. 

The  various  ceremonies  observed  in  refined  society  are 
very  useful  in  settling  little  points,  on  which  there  might 
otherwise  be  much  doubt  and  perplexity ;  but  they  should 
never  be  so  strenuously  insisted  upon  as  to  make  an  ac- 
cidental omission  of  them  a  ground  of  resentment,  and 
an  apology  should  always  be  accepted  /n  their  place. 

Your  enjoyment  of  a  party  depends  far  less  on  what 
you  find  there,  than  on  what  you  carry  with  you.  The 
vain,  the  ambitious,  the  designing,  will  be  full  of  anxiety 
when  they  go,  and  of  disappointment  when  they  return. 
A  short  triumph  will  be  followed  by  a  deep  mortificatior., 
and  the  selfishness  of  their  aims  defeats  itself.  If  you 
go  to  see,  and  to  hear,  and  to  make  the  best  of  whatever 
occurs,  with  a  disposition  to  admire  all  that  is  beautiful, 
and  to  sympathize  in  the  pleasures  of  others,  you  cae 


MISCELLANEOUS  28? 

hardly  fail  to  spend  the  time  pleasantly.  The  less  you 
think  of  yourself  and  your  claims  to  attention,  the  bet- 
ter. If  you  are  much  attended  to,  receive  it  modestly, 
and  consider  it  as  a  happy  accident ;  if  you  are  littlo 
noticed,  use  your  leisure  in  observing  others. 

It  were  unjust  and  ungrateful  to  conceive  that  tho 
amusements  of  life  are  altogether  forbidden  by  its  bene- 
ficent Author.  They  serve,  on  the  contrary,  important 
purposes  in  the  economy  of  human  life,  and  are  destined 
to  produce  important  effects  both  upon  our  happiness  and 
character.  They  are,  in  the  first  place,  in  the  language 
of  the  Psalmist,  "the  wells  of  the  desert;"  the  kind 
resting-places  in  which  toil  may  relax,  in  which  the  weary 
spirit  may  recover  its  tone,  and  where  the  desponding 
mind  may  resume  its  strength  and  its  hopes.  It  is  not, 
therefore,  the  use  of  the  innocent  amusements  of  life 
which  is  dangerous,  but  the  abuse  of  them ;  it  is  not 
when  they  are  occasionally,  but  when  they  are  constantly 
pursued ;  and  when,  from  being  an  occasional  indul- 
gence, it  becomes  an  habitual  desire. 

Women  in  the  middle  rank  are  brought  up  with  the 
idea  that  if  they  engage  in  some  occupations,  they  shall 
lose  "their  position  in  society."  Suppose  it  to  be  so; 
surely  it  is  wiser  to  quit  a  position  we  cannot  honestly 
maintain,  than  to  live  dependent  upon  the  bounty  and 
caprice  of  others ;  better  to  labor  with  our  hands,  than 
eat  the  bread  of  idleness ;  or  submit  to  feel  that  we  must 
not  give  utterance  to  our  real  opinions,  or  express  our 
honest  indignation  at  being  required  to  act  a  base  or  un- 
worthy part.  And  in  all  cases,  however  situated,  everj 
female  ought  to  learn  how  all  household  affairs  are  man» 

Id 


290  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

aged,  were  it  only  for  the  purpose  of  being  able  U  di« 
rect  others.  There  cannot  be  any  disgiace  in  learning 
how  to  make  the  bread  we  eat,  to  cook  our  dinners,  to 
mend  our  clothes,  or  even  to  clean  the  house.  Better 
to  be  found  busily  engaged  in  removing  the  dust  from 
the  furniture,  than  to  let  it  accumulate  there  until  a 
visitor  leaves  palpable  traces  where  his  hat  or  his  arm 
have  been  laid  upon  a  table. 

Never  put  temptation  in  a  servant's  way;  never  be 
severe  for  trifling  offences,  such  as  accidentally  breaking 
anything,  but  reserve  your  severity  for  those  offences 
which  are  moral  evils,  such  as  a  want  of  truth,  general 
laxity  of  principle,  &c.  The  orders  given  to  servants 
should  be  clear  and  definite ;  and  they  should  be  trained 
as  much  as  possible  to  perform  their  duties  regularly,  so 
that  every  morning  they  may  know  pretty  nearly  what 
will  be  expected  of  them  during  the  day.  It  is  a  great 
point  to  live,  when  you  are  alone,  as  if  you  expected 
company ;  that  is  to  say,  to  have  everything  so  neat  and 
orderly  that  you  need  not  be  ashamed  of  any  one  seeing 
your  table.  It  is  very  little  more  trouble,  and  certainly 
no  more  expense ;  and  the  advantages  in  point  of  comfort 
are  unspeakable. 

If  a  foolish  girl,  by  dint  of  squeezing  and  bracing  with 
busk  and  bones,  secures  the  conventional  beauty  of  a 
wasp  waist,  she  is  tolerably  certain  to  gain  an  addition 
«he  by  no  means  bargained  for,  a  red  nose,  which,  in 
numberless  instances,  is  produced  by  no  other  cause  than 
the  unnatural  girth,  obstructing  circulation,  and  causing 
stagnation  of  the  blood,  in  that  prominent  and  important 
feature.     Often,  in  assemblages  of  the  fair,  we  have  seen 


MISCELLANEOUS.  291 

noses  faultless  in  form,  but  tinged  with  the  abhorred  hue, 
to  which  washes  and  cosmetics  have  been  aj  plied  in  wild 
despair;  but  in  vain  !  If  the  lovely  owners  had  known 
the  cause,  how  speedily  the  effect  would  have  vanished  ! 
for  surely  the  most  perverse  admirer  of  a  distorted  spine 
and  compressed  lungs,  would  deem  the  acquisition  of  a 
dram-drinker's  nose,  too  heavy  a  condition  to  be  complied 
with. 

A  well-bred  woman  will  not  demand  as  a  right  what 
she  may  have  a  claim  to  expect  from  the  politeness  of 
the  other  sex,  nor  show  dissatisfaction  and  resentment  if 
she  fancies  herself  neglected.  For  want  of  good  breed- 
ing some  females  are  exorbitant  in  their  expectations, 
and  appear  unthankful  even  when  everything  is  done 
which  true  politeness  demands.  Young  women  should 
guard  against  this  unamiable  defect. 

A  well-bred  person  will  take  care  not  to  use  slang 
words  and  expressions.  There  never  has  been  a  time, 
at  least  in  late  years,  when  there  have  not  been  some 
two  or  three  cant  vulgarisms  in  vogue  among  all  the 
blackguards  of  the  country.  Sometimes  these  phrases 
have  been  caught  up  from  some  popular  song  or  farce; 
sometimes,  we  believe,  they  have  had  their  origin  "  where 
assembles  the  collective  wisdom  of  the  country."  A 
dczen  of  these  terse  but  meaningless  sayings  now  dance 
before  our  recollection,  for  who  has  not  heard  them,  even 
to  loathing?  But  from  whatever  source  they  may  have 
been  drawn,  or  whatever  wit  there  might  be  in  their 
original  position,  the  obtrusion  of  them  into  decent  atf 
ciety  is  an  unwarrantable  piece  of  impertinence. 


292  LADIES*    BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

A  habit  of  inserting  into  familiar  conversation  such 
plirases  as  "You  know,"  "You  perceive,"  "You  under- 
stand," "  Says  he,"  "  Says  she,"  is,  so  far  as  those  mat- 
ters extend,  a  sign  of  a  want  of  good  breeding. 

With  regard  to  any  specific  rules  for  dressing,  we  do 
not  pretend  to  arbitrate  in  such  matters.  Let  a  true 
sense  of  propriety,  of  the  fitness  of  things,  regulate  all 
your  habits  of  living  and  dressing,  and  it  will  produce 
such  a  beautiful  harmony  and  consistency  of  character 
as  will  throw  a  charm  around  you  that  all  will  feel, 
though  few  may  comprehend.  Always  consider  well 
whether  the  articles  of  dress,  which  you  wish  to  purchase, 
are  suited  to  your  age,  your  condition,  your  means ;  to 
the  climate,  to  the  particular  use  to  which  you  mean  to 
put  them  ;  and  let  the  principles  of  good  taste  keep  you 
from  the  extremes  of  the  fashion,  and  regulate  the  form, 
BO  as  to  combine  utility  and  beauty,  whilst  the  known 
rules  6f  harmony  in  colors  save  you  from  shocking  the 
eye  of  the  artist  by  incongruous  mixtures. 

"Manners,"  says  the  eloquent  Edmund  Burke,  "are 
of  more  importance  than  laws.  Upon  them,  in  a  great 
measure,  the  laws  depend.  The  law  can  touch  us  here 
and  there,  now  and  then.  Manners  are  what  vex  or 
sooth,  corrupt  or  purify,  exalt  or  debase,  barbarise  or 
refine,  by  a  constant,  steady,  uniform,  insensible  opera- 
tion, like  that  of  the  air  we  breathe  in.  They  give  their 
whole  form  and  colors  to  our  lives.  According  to  their 
quality  they  aid  morals,  they  supply  them,  or  they  to- 
tally destroy  them." 


MISCELLANEOUS.  29^ 

FOUR     IMPORTANT     RULES. 
"  Order  is  heaven's  first  law." 
1    A  suitable  place  for  everything,  and  everything  in 
its  place. 

%.  A  proper  time  for  everything,  and  everything  done 
in  its  time. 

3.  A  distinct  name  for  everything,  and  everything 
called  by  its  name. 

4.  A  certain  use  for  everything,  ani  everything  put 
to  its  use. 

Much  time  would  be  saved ;  many  disputes  avoided ; 
numerous  articles  kept  from  being  lost  or  injured,  and 
constant  confusion  and  disorder  prevented,  by  the  strict 
observance  of  these  four  important  rules. 

Dispense  with  ornaments  altogether  rather  than  wear 
mock  jewelry. 

Depend  upon  it,  silvery  hair  is  better  adapted  to  the 
faded  cheeks  of  middle  age,  than  are  tresses  of  nut- 
brown  or  coal-black,  or  any  of  the  mysterious  shades 
produced  by  a  dirty  decoction  called  Hair-dye. 

The  habitual  use  of  very  thin  shoes  invariably  makes 
the  feet  tender,  and  a  host  of  other  inconveniences  arise 
therefrom.  If  you  are  tempted  to  purchase  tight  shoes, 
don't,  for  several  reasons ;  but  one  may  suffice — you  will 
not  wear  them  more  than  twice. 

If  you  are  not  quite  certain  of  the  line  between  neat- 
ness and  the  reverse,  be  over-scrupulous  about  your  un 
der  garments.  The  edge  of  a  soiled  petticoat,  or  the 
glimpse  of  a  rent  stocking  is  singularly  disenchanting. 

Men  of  sense — I  speak  not  of  boys  of  eighteen  tc 


294  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

five  and  twenty,  daring  their  age  of  detestability — men 
who  are  worth  the  trouble  of  falling  in  love  with,  and 
the  fuss  and  inconvenience,  of  being  married  to,  and  to 
whom  one  might,  after  some  inward  conflicts,  and  a 
coui  se  perhaps  of  fasting  and  self-humiliation,  submit  to 
fulfil  those  ill-contrived  vows  of  obedience  which  are  ex- 
acted at  the  altar,  such  men  want,  for  their  wives, 
companions,  not  dolls ;  and  women  who  would  suit  such 
men  are  just  as  capable  of  loving  fervently,  deeply,  as 
the  Ringlettina,  full  of  song  and  sentiment,  who  cannot 
walk,  cannot  rise  in  the  morning,  cannot  tie  her  bonnet*^ 
strings,  faints  if  she  has  to  lace  her  boots,  never  in  hei 
life  brushed  out  her  beautiful  hair,  would  not  for  the 
world  prick  her  delicate  finger  with  plain  sewing ;  but 
who  can  work  harder  than  a  factory  girl  upon  a  lamb's- 
wool  shepherdess,  d.-mce  like  a  dervise  at  balls,  ride  like 
a  fox-hunter,  and,  whilst  every  breath  of  air  gives  her 
cold  in  her  father's  house,  and  she  cannot  think  how  peo- 
ple can  endure  this  climate,  she  can  go  out  to  parties  in 
February  and  March,  with  an  inch  of  sleeve  and  half-a- 
quarter  of  boddice. 

All  circumstances  well  examined,  there  can  be  no 
doubt  Providence  has  willed  that  man  should  be  the  head 
of  the  human  race,  even  as  woman  is  its  heart ;  that  he 
should  be  its  strength,  as  she  is  its  solace ;  that  he  should 
be  its  w  isdom,  as  she  is  its  grace ;  that  he  should  be  its 
miud.  its  impetus,  and  its  courage,  as  she  is  its  sentiment 
its  charm,  and  its  consolation.  Too  great  an  ameliora- 
tion could  not  be  effected,  in  our  opinion,  in  the  eystem 
generally  adopted,  which,  far  from  correcting  or  even 
compensating  the  presumed  intellectual  inequality  ol  the 


MISCELLANEOUS.  29o 

two  sexes,  generally  serves  only  to  increase  it  By 
placing,  for  example,  dancing  and  needle-work  at  the 
extreme  poles  of  female  study,  the  one  for  its  attraction 
and  the  other  for  its  utility,  and  hy  not  filling  the  im 
mense  interval  with  anything  more  valuable  than  mere 
monotonous,  imperfect,  superficial,  and  totally  unphilo- 
Bophical  notions,  this  system  has  made  of  the  greater 
number  of  female  seminaries,  establishments  which  may 
be  compared  alike  to  nursery-grounds  for  coquettes  and 
sempstresses.  It  is  never  remembered  that  in  domestic 
life  conversation  is  of  more  importance  than  the  needle 
or  choregraphy ;  that  a  husband  is  neither  a  pacha  nor 
a  lazzarone,  who  must  be  perpetually  intoxicated  or  un- 
ceasingly patched ;  that  there  are  upon  the  conjugal  dial 
many  long  hours  of  calm  intimacy,  of  cool  contempla- 
tion, of  cold  tenderness ;  and  that  the  husband  makes 
another  home  elsewhere  if  his  own  hearth  offers  him  only 
silence;  or  what  is  a  hundred  times  worse,  merely  frivol- 
ous and  monotonous  discourse.  Let  the  woman  play  the 
gossip  at  a  given  moment,  that  is  all  very  well ;  let  her 
superintend  the  Jaundry  or  the  kitchen  at  another,  that 
is  also  very  well ;  but  these  duties  only  comprise  two- 
thirds  of  her  mission.  Ought  care  not  to  be  taken  that 
during  the  rest  of  her  time  she  could  also  be  capable  of 
becoming  to  her  husband  a  rational  friend,  a  cheerful 
partner,  an  interesting  companion,  or,  at  least,  an  cfii- 
cient  listener,  whose  natural  intelligence,  even  if  origin- 
ally inferior  to  his  own,  shall,  by  the  help  of  education, 
have  been  raised  to  the  same  level ! 

Pascal  says  •  "  Kind  words  do  not  cost  much.     They 
never  blister  the  tongue  or  lips     And  vre  have  aevey 


296         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

heard  of  any  mental  trouble  arising  from  this  quarter. 
Though  they  do  not  cost  much.  1.  They  help  one's  own 
good  nature.  Soft  words  soften  our  own  soul.  Angry 
words  are  fuel  to  the  flame  of  wrath,  and  make  it  blaze 
more  fiercely,  2.  Kind  words  make  other  people  good  na- 
tured.  Cold  words  freeze  people,  and  hot  words  scorch 
them,  and  bitter  words  make  them  bitter,  and  wrathful 
words  make  them  wrathful.  There  is  such  a  rush  of  all 
other  kinds  of  words  in  our  days,  that  it  seems  desirable 
to  give  kind  words  a  change  among  them.  There  arc 
vain  words,  and  idle  words,  and  hasty  words,  and  spite 
ful  words,  and  silly  words,  and  empty  words,  and  pro- 
fane words,  and  boisterous  words,  and  warlike  words. 
Kind  words  also  produce  their  own  image  on  men's  souls. 
And  a  beautiful  image  it  is.  They  smooth,  and  quiet, 
and  comfort  the  hearer.  They  shame  him  out  of  hig 
sour,  morose,  unkind  feelings.  We  have  not  yet  begun 
to  use  kind  words  in  such  abundance  as  they  ought  to  be 
used." 

A  writer  in  the  New  York  Observer,  speaking  of  the 
necessity  of  guarding  the  tongue,  says : — 

"  It  is  always  well  to  avoid  saying  everything  that  is 
improper;  but  it  is  especially  so  before  children.  And 
here  parents,  as  well  as  others,  are  often  in  fault.  Child- 
ren have  as  many  ears  as  grown  persons,  and  they  are 
generally  more  attentive  to  what  is  said  before  them. 
What  they  hear,  they  are  very  apt  to  repeat ;  and,  as 
they  have  no  discretion,  and  not  sufficient  knowledge  of 
the  world  to  disguise  anything,  it  is  generally  found  that 
'children  and  fools  speak  the  truth.'  See  that  boy's 
eyes  glisten  while  you  are  speaking  of  ?  neighbor  in  a 


MISCELLANEOUS.  297 

langufige  you  would  not  wish  to  have  repeated.  He  does 
not  fully  understand  what  you  mean,  but  he  will  remem- 
ber every  word ;  and  it  will  be  strange  if  he  does  not 
ciuse  you  to  blush  by  the  repetition. 

"  A  gentleman  was  in  the  habit  of  calling  at  a  neigh- 
bor's  house,  and  the  lady  had  always  expressed  to  him 
great  pleasure  from  his  calls.  One  day,  just  after  she 
had  remarked  to  him,  as  usual,  her  happiness  from  his 
visit,  her  little  boy  entered  the  room.  The  gentleman 
took  him  on  his  knee,  and  asked,  '  Are  you  not  glad  to 
see  me,  George?'  *No,  sir,' replied  the  boy.  *  Why 
not,  my  little  man  V  he  continued.  '  Because  mother 
don't  want  you  to  come,'  said  George.  'Indeed!  how 
do  you  know  that,  George  ?'  Here  the  mother  became 
crimson,  and  looked  daggers  at  her  little  son.  But  he 
saw  nothing,  and  therefore  replied,  *  Because,  she  said 
yesterday,  she  wished  that  old  bore  would  not  call  here 
again.'  That  was  enough.  The  gentleman's  hat  was 
soon  in  requisition,  and  he  left  with  the  impression  that 
*  great  is  the  truth,  and  it  will  prevail.* 

"  Another  little  child  looked  sharply  in  the  face  of  a 
visitor,  and  being  asked  what  she  meant  by  it,  replied, 
*I  wanted  to  see  if  you  had  a  drop  in  your  eje;  I  heard 
mother  say  you  had  frequently.* 

"  A  boy  once  asked  one  of  his  fjither's  guestp  who  it  was 
that  lived  next  door  to  him,  and  when  he  heard  his  name, 
inquired  if  he  was  not  a  fool.  'No,  my  litMe  friend,' 
replied  the  guest,  *he  is  not  a  fool,  but  a  ve^y  sensi])]6 
man.  But  why  did  you  ask  that  question  ?'  *  Because,' 
reolied  the  bo^ ,  '  mother  said  the  other  da 7»  that  you 


298  LAriES*    BOOK    OF    ETIQUETTE. 

were  next  door  to  a  fool ;  and  I  wanted  to  know  who 
lived  next  door  to  you." 

The  best  way  to  overcome  the  selfishness  and  rudeness 
you  sometimes  meet  with  on  public  occasions,  is,  by  great 
politeness  and  disinterestedness  on  your  part;  overcome 
evil  with  good,  and  you  will  satisfy  your  own  conscience, 
and,  perhaps,  touch  theirs.  Contending  for  your  rights 
stirs  up  the  selfish  feelings  in  others ;  but  a  readinens  to 
yield  them  awakens  generous  sentiments,  and  leads  tc 
mutual  accommodation.  The  more  refined  you  are,  and 
the  greater  have  been  your  advantages,  the  more  polite 
and  considerate  you  should  be  toward  others,  the  more 
ready  to  give  place  to  some  poor,  uneducated  girl,  who 
knows  no  better  than  to  push  herself  directly  in  your 
way. 

Politeness  is  as  necessary  to  a  happy  intercourse  with 
the  inhabitants  of  the  kitchen,  as  with  those  of  the  par- 
lor;  it  lessens  the  pains  of  service,  promotes  kind  feel- 
ings on  both  sides,  and  checks  unbecoming  familiarity ; 
always  thank  them  for  what  they  do  for  you,  and  always 
ask  rather  than  command  their  services. 

Of  late  years,  the  wearing  of  jewelry,  in  season  and 
out  of  season,  both  by  matrons  and  unmarried  females, 
has  increased  vastly.  It  is  an  indication  that  the  grow- 
ing wealth  of  the  people  is  not  accompanied  by  a  cor- 
responding refinement ;  but  that  the  love  of  vulgar  show, 
the  low  pride  of  ostentation,  takes  the  place  of  a  pure 
and  elevated  taste.  The  emulation  with  fashionable 
dames,  now-a-days,  so  far  from  being,  as  with  the  Spar- 
tan women,  to  excel  each  other  in  household  virtues,  is 
to  wear  the  largest  diamonds.     And,  in  this  ambition, 


.    MISCELLANEOUS.  299 

they  forget  fitness,  beauty,  taste,  everything  but  the 
mere  vulgar  desire  to  shine.  To  be  gracefully  and  ele- 
gantly attired,  in  short,  is  secondary  to  the  desire  to  be 
a  sort  of  jeweler's  walking  show-card.  We  do  not  op- 
pose the  use  of  diamonds  and  pearls  altogether,  as  some 
persons  might  imagine  from  these  remarks.  A  few  dia- 
monds, judiciously  worn,  look  well,  on  proper  occasions, 
on  married  women.  But  young  girls  rarely,  or  never, 
improve  their  appearance  by  the  use  of  these  dazzling 
jewels ;  and,  as  a  general  rule,  the  simpler  the  costume 
of  a  woman  in  her  teens,  the  better.  Women  are  usu- 
ally pretty,  up  to  the  age  of  twenty,  at  least.  Conse- 
guently,  at  this  period  of  life,  there  are  few  whom  an 
elaborate  attire  does  not  injure ;  a  simple  dress,  or  a 
rose-bud  in  the  hair,  is  frequently  all  that  is  required; 
and  more  only  spoils  that  combination  of  youthfulness, 
grace,  and  modesty,  which  it  should  be  the  highest 
ambition  of  the  girl  to  attain;  because,  if  she  did 
but  know  it,  it  is  her  highest  charm.  Instead  of  this, 
however,  we  see  gay  females,  scarcely  freed  from  the 
nursery,  wearing  enormous  jeweled  ear-drops,  or  sporting 
on  the  finger,  a  diamond  ring  as  large  as  a  sixpence. 
Sometimes,  too,  ladies  pretending  to  be  well-bred,  de- 
scend to  receive  a  morning  visitor  of  their  own  sex,  glit- 
tering like  a  jeweler's  case,  with  costly  gems.  In  all 
this,  we  repeat,  there  is  neither  refinement  nor  elegance, 
but  simply  vulgar  ostentation.  Female  dress  has  ceased 
to  be  a  means  of  beautifying  the  person  or  displaying 
the  wearer's  taste,  and  has  become  instead,  a  mere  brag 
Df  the  husband's  or  father's  wealth. 
A  knowledge  of  domestic  duties  is  beyond  all  price  tc 


SOO  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

a  woman.  Every  one  of  the  sex  ought  to  know  how  tc 
sew,  and  knit,  and  mend,  and  cook,  and  superintend  a 
household.  In  every  situation  of  life,  high  or  low,  this 
sort  of  knowledge  is  of  great  advantage.  There  is  no 
necessity  that  the  gaining  of  such  information  should  in- 
terfere with  intellectual  acquirement  or  even  elegant  ac- 
complishment. A  well-regulated  mind  can  find  time  to 
attend  to  all.  When  a  girl  is  nine  or  ten  years  old,  she 
should  be  accustomed  to  take  some  regular  share  in 
household  duties,  and  to  feel  responsible  for  the  manner 
in  which  her  part  is  performed — such  as  her  own  mend- 
ing, washing  the  cups  and  putting  them  in  place,  clean- 
ing silver,  or  dusting  and  arranging  the  parlor.  This 
should  not  be  done  occasionally,  and  neglected  whenever 
she  finds  it  convenient — she  should  consider  it  her  de- 
partment. When  older  than  twelve,  girls  should  begin 
to  take  turns  in  superintending  the  household — making 
puddings,  pies,  cakes,  &c.  To  learn  efi'ectually,  they 
should  actually  do  these  themselves,  and  not  stand  by 
and  see  others  do  them.  Many  a  husband  has  been  ru- 
ined for  want  of  these  domestic  qualities  in  a  wife — and 
many  a  husband  has  been  saved  from  ruin  by  his  wife 
being  able  to  manage  well  the  household  concerns. 

It  is  a  mark,  not  only  of  ill-breeding,  but  of  positive 
want  of  feeling  and  judgment,  to  speak  disparagingly 
of  a  physician  to  one  of  his  patients.  Many  persons, 
visiting  an  invalid  friend,  will  exclaim  loudly  against 
the  treatment  pursued,  recommend  a  different  doctor, 
and  add  to  the  sufferings  of  the  -patient  by  their  injudi- 
cious remarks  upon  the  medicines  or  practice  used. 

It  is  too  much  the  fashion,  in  conversation,  to  use  cs- 


MISCELLANEOUS^  801 

^gerfitc'i  expressions  which  are  opposed  to  t'^uth^  with- 
out the  person  employing  them  being  aware  of  it,  from 
the  mere  force  of  habit.  Why  need  we  say  splendid  fov 
pretty,  magnificent  for  handsome,  horrid  for  unpieasant, 
immense  for  large,  thousands,  or  myriads,  for  any  num- 
ber more  than  two  ?  This  practice  is  pernicious,  for  the 
effect  is  to  deprive  the  person  who  is  guilty  of  it,  fr(»m 
being  believed,  when  she  is  in  earnest.  No  one  can  trust 
the  testimony  of  an  individual  who,  in  common  conver- 
sation, is  indifferent  to  the  import,  and  regardless  of  tho 
value  of  words. 

Politeness  is  very  essential  to  the  right  transaction 
of  that  great  business  of  woman's  life,  shopping.  The 
variety  afforded  by  the  shops  of  a  city  renders  people 
difficult  to  please ;  and  the  latitude  they  take  in  exam- 
ining and  asking  the  price  of  goods,  which  they  have  no 
thought  of  buying,  is  so  trying  to  the  patience  of  those 
who  attend  upon  them,  that  nothing  but  the  most  per- 
fect courtesy  of  demeanor  can  reconcile  them  to  it. 
Some  persons  behave,  in  shopping,  as  if  no  one  had  any 
rights,  or  any  feelings,  but  the  purchasers;  as  if  tho 
Boilers  of  goods  were  mere  automatons,  put  behind  the 
counter  to  do  their  bidding ;  they  keep  them  waiting, 
whilst  they  talk  of  other  things,  with  a  friend;  they 
call  for  various  goods,  ask  the  price,  and  try  to  cheapen 
them,  without  any  real  intention  of  buying.  A  lady 
who  wants  decision  of  character,  after  hesitating  and 
debating,  till  the  poor  trader's  patience  is  almost  ex- 
hausted, will  beg  him  to  send  the  article  to  her  house, 
for  her  to  examine  it  there ;   and,  after  giving  him  al] 


802  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

this  trouble,  she  will  refuse  to  purchase  it,  without  an^ 
scruple  or  apology.  Some  think  they  have  a  right  to 
exchange  articles  at  the  place  where  they  were  bought ; 
whereas  that  privilege  should  be  asked  as  a  favor,  only 
by  a  good  customer, — and  then  but  rarely. 


RECEIPTS. 


FOR    THE    COMPLEXION. 

Cold  Cream,  1. — Take  2J  ounces  of  sweet  oil  of  al- 
monds, 3  drachms  of  white  wax,  and  the  same  of  sperma- 
ceti, 2 J  ounces  of  rose-water,  1  drachm  of  oil  of  berga- 
mot,  and  15  drops  each  of  oil  of  lavender,  and  otto  of 
roses.  Melt  the  wax  and  spermaceti  in  the  oil  of  al- 
monds, by  placing  them  together  in  a  jar,  which  should 
be  plunged  into  boiling  water.  Heat  a  mortar  (which 
should,  if  possible,  be  marble)  by  pouring  boiling  water 
into  it,  and  letting  it  remain  there  until  the  mortar  is 
uniformly  heated  ;  the  water  is  to  be  poured  away,  and 
the  mortar  dried  well.  Pour  the  melted  wax  and  sperm- 
aceti into  the  warm  mortar,  and  add  rose-water  gradu- 
ally, while  the  mixture  is  constantly  stirred  or  whisked 
with  an  egg-whisp,  until  the  whole  is  cold,  and,  when 
nearly  finished,  add  the  oils  and  otto  of  roses. 

In  the  absence  of  a  mortar,  a  basin  plunged  into  an- 
other containing  boiling  water  will  answer  the  purpose. 

Cold  Cream,  2. — Take  10  drachms  of  spermaceti,  4 


504  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

drachms  of  white  wax,  half  a  pound  of  prepared  lard,  15 
grains  of  subcarbonate  of  potash,  4  ounces  of  rose-water, 
2  ounces  of  spirits  of  wine,  and  ten  drops  of  otto  of 
roses. 

Proceed  as  above.  Some  persons  prefer  orange-flower* 
water  instead  of  rose-water,  in  which  case  use  the  same 
proportions. 

Cold  cream  is  a  useful  local  application  to  hard  and 
dry  parts  of  the  skin,  to  abrasions  and  cracks.  When 
spread  thickly  upon  rag,  it  is  an  excellent  application  to 
blistered  surfaces  or  burns,  or  may  be  used  to  protect  ex- 
posed parts  from  the  influence  of  the  sun. 

Granulated  Cold  _Cream. — Take  white  wax  and 
spermaceti,  of  each  one  ounce ;  almond  oil  3  ounces,  otto 
of  rose,  as  much  as  you  please.  Dissolve  the  wax  and 
spermaceti  in  the  almond  oil,  by  means  of  heat,  and 
when  a  little  cool,  pour  the  mixture  into  a  large  Wedg- 
wood mortar  previously  warmed,  and  containing  about  a 
pint  of  warm  water.  Stir  briskly  until  the  cream  is  well 
divided,  add  the  otto,  and  syddenly  pour  the  whole  into 
a  clean  vessel  containing  8  or  12  pints  of  cold  water. 
Sepal  ate  the  cream  by  straining  through  muslin,  and 
shake  out  as  much  water  as  possible. 

White  Camphorated  Ointment,  1. — Take  3  ounces 
2  drachms  of  powdered  carbonate  of  lead  (ccrussa),  45 
grains  of  powdered  camphor.  Mix,  and  then  stir  into  5 
ounces  of  melted  lard. 

This  is  applied  to  burns  and  contusions  with  very  good 
eff^-ot,  and  is  much  used  in  Austria.  The  surface  must 
not  be  abraded  when  it  is  applied. 

White  Camphorated  Ointment,  2. — Take  4  ounces 


RECEIPTS.  805 

of  olive  oil,  1  ounce  of  white  wax,  22  grains  of  camplior, 
and  6  drachms  of  spermaceti.  Melt  the  wax  and  sperm- 
aceti with  the  oil,  and  when  they  have  cooled  rub  the 
ointment  with  the  camphor,  dissolved  in  a.  little  oil. 
Sometimes  the  white  wax  is  omitted,  and  lard  substituted 
for  it. 

It  is  useful  in  chaps,  fissures,  abrasions,  and  roughness 
of  the  skin. 

Pitch  Pomade,  1 — Take  1  drachm  of  pitch,  and  3 
ounce  of  lard.  Mix  well,  and  apply  twice  a  day  to  the 
affected  parts. 

This  is  used  for  ringworm,  and  scald  head. 

To  SOFTEN  THE  SkIN,  AND  IMPROVE  THE  COMPLEXION. 

— If  flowers  of  sulphur  be  mixed  in  a  little  milk,  and, 
after  standing  an  hour  or  two,  the  milk  (without  disturb- 
ing the  sulphur)  be  rubbed  into  the  skin,  it  will  keep  it 
soft,  and  make  the  complexion  clear.  It  is  to  be  used 
before  washing. 

To  REMOVE  Black  Stains  from  the  Skin. — Ladiea 
that  wear  mourning  in  warm  weather  are  much  incom- 
moded by  the  Mackness  it  leaves  on  the  arms  and  neck, 
and  which  cannot  easily  be  removed,  even  by  soap  and 
warm  water.  To  have  a  remedy  always  at  hand,  keep, 
in  the  drawer  of  your  wash-stand,  a  box,  containing  a 
a  mixture  in  equal  portions  of  cream  of  tartar,  and  ox- 
ali^  acid  (poison).  Get,  at  a  druggist's,  half  an  ounce 
of  each  of  these  articles,  and  have  them  mixed  and 
pounded  together  in  a  mortar.  Put  some  of  this  mix- 
ture into  a  cup  that  has  a  cover,  and  if,  afterwards,  it 
becomes  hard,  you  may  keep  it  slightly  moistened  with 
Water.  See  that  it  is  always  closely  covered.  To  usa 
20 


806  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

it,  wet  the  black  stains  on  jour  skin  with  the  corner  of  a 
towel,  dipped  in  water  (warm  water  is  best,  but  is  not  al- 
ways at  hand).  Then,  with  your  finger,  rub  on  a  little 
of  the  mixture.  Then  immediately  wash  it  off  with 
water,  and  afterwards  with  soap  and  water,  and  the  black 
stains  will  be  visible  no  longer.  This  mixture  will  also 
remove  ink,  and  all  other  stains  from  the  fingers,  and 
from  widte  clothes.  It  is  more  speedy  in  its  efiecis  if 
applied  with  warm  water.  No  family  should  be  without 
it,  hut  care  must  be  taken  to  keep  it  out  of  the  way  of 
young  children,  as,  if  swallowed,  it  is  poisonous. 

PASTES. 

Almond. — Take  1  ounce  of  bitter  almonds,  blanch 
and  pound  them  to  a  fine  powder,  then  add  1  ounce  of 
barley  flour,  and  make  it  into  a  smooth  paste  by  the  ad- 
dition of  a  little  honey.  When  this  paste  is  laid  over 
the  skin,  particularly  where  there  are  freckles,  it  makes 
it  smooth  and  soft. 

Palatine. — Take  8  ounces  of  soft-soap,  of  olive  oil, 
and  spirits  of  wine,  each  4  ounces,  IJ  ounce  of  lemon- 
juice,  sufiScient  silver-sand  to  form  into  a  thick  paste, 
and  any  perfume  that  is  grateful  to  the  person.  Boil 
the  oil  and  soap  together  in  a  pipkin,  and  then  gradually 
Btir  in  the  sand  and  lemon-juice.  When  nearly  cool  add 
the  spirit  of  wine,  and  lastly  the  perfume.  Make  into 
a  paste  with  the  hands,  and  place  in  jars  or  pots  for 
use. 

This  paste  is  used  instead  of  soap,  and  is  a  valuable 
addition  to  the  toilette,  as  it  preserves  the  skin  from 
chapping,  and  renders  it  smooth  and  soft. 


RECEIPTS.  807 

American  Cosmetic  Powder. — Calcined  magnesia 
applied  the  same  as  ordinary  toilette  powders,  by  means 
of  a  swan's-down  ball,  usually  called  a  "puff." 

Maloine. — Take  4  ounces  of  powdered  marsh-mallow 
roots,  2  ounces  of  powdered  white  starch,  8  drachms  of 
powdered  orris-root,  and  20  drops  of  essence  of  jasmine. 
Mix  well,  and  sift  through  fine  muslin. 

This  is  one  of  the  most  agreeable  and  elegant  cosmet- 
ics yet  known  for  softening  and  whitening  the  skin,  pre- 
serving it  from  chapping,  and  being  so  simple  that  it 
may  be  applied  to  the  most  delicate  or  irritable  skin. 

This  receipt  has  never  before  been  published,  and  we 
know  that  only  six  bottles  of  it  have  been  made. 

Oxide  of  Zinc  is  sprinkled  into  chaps  and  fissures  to 
promote  their  cure. 

Yaoulta. — Take  1  ounce  of  white  starch,  powdered 
and  sifted,  J  a  drachm  of  rose  pink,  10  drops  of  essence 
of  jasmine,  and  2  drops  of  otto  of  roses.  Mix  and  keep 
in  a  fine  muslin  bag. 

This  exquisite  powder  is  to  be  dusted  over  the  face, 
and,  being  perfectly  harmless,  may  be  used  as  often  as 
necessity  requires.  It  also  imparts  a  delicate  rosy  tinge 
to  the  skin  preferable  to  rouge. 

Cr^me  de  l'Enclos. — Take  4  ounces  of  milk,  1  ounce 
of  lemon-juice,  and  2  drachms  of  spirit  of  wine.  Sim- 
mer over  a  slow  fire,  and  then  bring  it  to  the  boil,  skim 
off  the  scum,  and  when  cold  apply  it  to  the  skin. 

It  is  much  used  by  some  persons  to  remove  freckles 
and  sun-burnings. 


808  LADIES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

WASHES    AND    LOTIONS. 

^"TiLK  OF  Roses,  1. — Take  2  ounces  of  blanched  aim  onda ; 
12  ounces  of  rose-water;  white  soft-soap,  or  Windsor 
Boap  ;  white  wax  ;  and  oil  of  almonds,  of  each  2  drachms ; 
rectified  spirit,  3  ounces;  oil  of  bergamot,  1  drachm; 
oil  of  lavender,  15  drops;  otto  of  roses,  8  drops.  Beat 
the  almonds  well,  and  then  add  the  rose-water  gradually 
so  as  to  form  an  emulsion,  mix  the  soap,  white  wax,  and 
oil  together,  by  placing  them  in  a  covered  jar  upon  the 
edge  of  the  fire-place,  then  rub  this  mixture  in  a  mortar 
with  the  emulsion.  Strain  the  whole  through  very  fine 
muslin,  and  add  the  essential  oils,  previously  mixed  with 
the  spirit. 

This  is  an  excellent  wash  for  "sunburns,"  freckles,  or 
for  cooling  the  face  and  neck,  or  any  part  of  the  skin  to 
which  it  is  applied. 

Milk  of  Roses,  2. — This  is  not  quite  so  expensive  a 
receipt  as  the  last ;  and,  at  the  same  time  is  not  so  good, 

Take  1  ounce  of  Jordan  almonds ;  5  ounces  of  dis- 
tilled rose-water;  1  ounce  of  spirit  of  wine  ;  ^  a  drachm 
of  Venetian  soap,  and  2  drops  of  otto  of  roses.  Beat 
the  almonds  (previously  blanched  and  well  dried  with  a 
cloth)  in  a  mortar,  until  they  become  a  complete  paste, 
then  beat  the  soap  and  mix  with  the  almonds,  and  after- 
wards add  the  rose-water  and  spirit.  Strain  through  s 
very  fine  muslin  or  linen,  and  add  the  otto  of  roses. 

Ttie  common  milk  of  roses  sold  in  the  shops,  fre- 
quently coittains  salt  of  tartar,  or  pearlash,  combined 
with  olive  oil  and  rose-water,  and  therefore  it  is  bette> 
to  make  it  yourself  to  ensure  it  being  good. 


RECEIPTS.  "809 

French  Milk  of  Roses. — Mix  2 J  pints  of  rose-watei 
with  J  a  pint  of  rosemary-water,  then  add  tincture  of 
Etorax,  and  tincture  of  benzoin,  of  each  2  ounces;  and 
t»prit  de  rose,  J  an  ounce.  This  is  a  useful  wash  for 
freckles. 

German  Mflk  of  Roses. — Take  of  rose-water  and 
milk  of  almonds,  each  3  ounces ;  water  8  ounces ;  rose- 
mary-water 2  ounces  ;  and  spirit  of  lavender  J  an  ounce. 
Mix  well,  and  then  add  J  an  ounce  of  sugar  of  lead. 

This  is  a  dangerous  form  to  leave  about  where  there 
are  children,  and  should  never  be  applied  when  there  are 
any  abrasions,  or  chaps  on  the  surface. 

Milk  of  Almonds. — Blanch  4  ounces  of  Jordan  al- 
monds, dry  them  with  a  towel,  and  then  pound  them  in 
a  mortar;  add  2  drachms  of  white  or  curd  soap,  and  rub 
it  up  with  the  almonds  for  about  ten  minutes  or  rather 
more,  gradually  adding  one  quart  of  rose-water,  until 
the  whole  is  well  mixed,  then  strain  through  a  fine  piece 
of  muslin,  and  bottle  for  use. 

This  is  an  excellent  remedy  for  freckles  and  sunburns, 
and  may  be  used  as  a  general  cosmetic,  being  applied  to 
the  skin  after  washing  by  means  of  the  corner  of  a  soft 
tow^el. 

Anti-freckle  Lotion,  1. — Take  tincture  of  benzoin, 
2  ounces ;  tincture  of  tolu,  1  ounce ;  oil  of  rosemary,  ^ 
a  drachm.  Mix  well  and  bottle.  When  required  to  be 
used,  add  a  teaspoonful  of  the  mixture  to  about  a  wine- 
glassful  of  water,  and  apply  the  lotion  to  the  face  or 
hands,  &c.,  night  and  morning,  carefully  rubbing  it  in 
with  a  soft  towel. 

Anii-freckle  Lotion,  2. — Take  1  ounce  of  rectified 


310'  LADIES*    BOOK    OF   ETIQUETTE. 

spirit  of  wine;  1  drachm  of  hydrochloric  ac  -  ij^.yi.  ^i 
salt) ;  and  7  ounces  of  water.  Mix  the  acid  graduiJly 
with  the  water,  and  then  add  the  spirit  of  wine ;  applj 
hy  means  of  a  camel's-hair  brush,  or  a  piece  of  flannel.. 

Gowland's  Lotion. — Take  1 J  grains  of  bichloride  of 
mercury,  and  1  ounce  of  emulsion  of  bitter  almonds ; 
mix  well.  Be  careful  of  the  bichloride  of  mercury,  be- 
cause it  is  a  poison. 

This  is  one  of  the  best  cosmetics  for  imparting  a  deli- 
cate appearance  and  softness  to  the  skin,  and  is  a  useful 
lotion  in  acne,  ringworm,  hard  and  dry  skin,  and  sun- 
blisterings. 

Cold  Cream. — Sweet  almond  oil,  7  lbs.  by  weight, 
white  wax,  f  lb.,  spermaceti,  |  lb.,  clarified  mutton  suet, 
lib.,  rose-water,  7  pints,  spirits  of  wine,  1  pint.  Direc- 
tions to  mix  the  above : — Place  the  oil,  wax,  spermaceti, 
and  suet  in  a  large  jar;  cover  it  over  tightly,  then  place 
it  in  a  saucepan  of  boiling  water,  (having  previously 
placed  two  or  more  pieces  of  fire-wood  at  the  bottom  of 
the  saucepan,  to  allow  the  water  to  get  underneath  the 
jar,  and  to  prevent  its  breaking)  keep  the  water  boiling 
round  the  jar  till  all  the  ingredients  are  dissolved  ;  take 
it  out  of  the  water,  and  pour  it  into  a  large  pan  previ- 
ously warmed  and  capable  of  holding  21  pints ;  then, 
with  a  wooden  spatula,  stir  in  the  rose-water,  cold,  as 
quickly  as  possible,  (dividing  it  into  three  or  four  parts, 
at  most,)  the  stirring  in  of  which  should  not  occupy 
above  five  minutes,  as  after  a  certain  heat  the  water  will 
not  mix.  When  all  the  water  is  in,  stir  unremittingly 
for  thirty  minutes  longer,  to  prevent  its  separating,  then 
add  the  spirits  of  wine,  and  the  scent,  and  it  is  finished. 


RECEIPTS.  811 

Keep  it  in  a  cold  place,  in  a  white  glazed  jar,  ani  dc 
not  cut  it  with  a  steel  knife,  as  it  causes  blackness  at  the 
parts  of  contact.  Scent  with  otto  of  roses  and  essential 
oil  of  bergamot  to  fancy.  For  smaller  quantities,  make 
ounces  instead  of  pounds. 

Palm  So\p. — I  make  it  in  the  following  manner: — 
Cut  thin  two  pounds  of  yellow  soap  into  a  double  saucer- 
pan,  occasionally  stirring  it  till  it  is  melted,  which  will 
be  in  a  few  minutes  if  the  water  is  kept  boiling  around 
it;  then  add  quarter  of  a  pound  of  palm  oil,  quarter 
of 'a  pound  of  honey,  three  pennyworth  of  true  oil 
of  cinnamon ;  let  all  boil  together  another  six  or  eight 
minutes ;  pour  out  and  stand  it  by  till  next  day;  it  is 
then  fit  for  immediate  use.  If  made  as  these  directions 
it  will  be  found  to  be  a  very  superior  soap. 

Cure  for  Chapped  Hands. — Take  3  drachms  of 
gum  camphor,  3  drachms  of  white  beeswax,  3  drachms 
of  spermaceti,  2  ounces  of  olive  oil, — put  them  together 
in  a  cup  upon  the  stove,  where  they  will  melt  slowly  and 
form  a  white  ointment  in  a  few  minutes.  If  the  hands 
be  affected,  anoint  them  on  going  to  bed,  and  put  on  a 
pair  of  gloves.     A  day  or  two  will  suflBce  to  heal  them. 

To  Whiten  the  Nails. — Diluted  sulphuric  acid,  2 
drachms ;  tincture  of  myrrh,  1  drachm ;  spring  water,  4 
ounces.  Mix.  First  cleanse  with  white  soap,  and  then 
dip  the  fingers  into  the  mixture. 

To  Whiten  the  Hands. — Take  \  wine  glassful  of 
eau  de  Cologne,  and  another  of  lemon-juice ;  then  scrape 
two  cakes  of  brown  Windsor  soap  to  a  powder,  and  mix 
well  in  a  mould.  When  hard,  it  will  be  an  excellent 
Boap  for  whitening  the  hands. 


812  LADIE§'   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 


FOR    THE    TEETH. 

To  REMOVE  Tartar  from  the  Teeth. — 1st.  The  use 
of  the  tooth-brush  night  and  morning,  and,  at  least, 
rinsing  the  mouth  after  every  meal  at  which  animal  food 
is  taken.  2nd.  Once  daily  run  the  brush  lightly  two  or 
three  times  over  soap,  then  dip  it  in  salt,  and  with  it 
clean  the  teeth,  working  the  brush  up  and  down  rathei 
than — or  as  well  as—backwards  and  forwards.  This  is 
a  cheap,  safe,  and  eflfectual  dentrifice.  3rd.  Eat  freely 
of  common  cress,  the  sort  used  with  mustard,  under  the 
name  of  small  salad ;  it  must  be  eaten  with  salt  only. 
If  thus  used  two  or  three  days  in  succession  it  will  ef- 
fectually loosen  tartar,  even  of  long  standing.  The 
:?ame  effect  is  produced,  though  perhaps  not  in  an  equal 
degree,  by  eating  strawberries  and  raspberries,  especiplly 
the  former.  A  leaf  of  common  green  sage  rubbed  on 
.the  teeth  is  useful  both  in  cleansing  and  polishing,  and 
probably  many  other  common  vegetable  productions  also. 

Care  of  the  Teeth. — The  water  with  which  the  teeth 
are  cleansed  should  be  what  is  called  lukewarm.  They 
should  be  well  but  gently  brushed  both  night  and  morn- 
ing ;  the  brush  should  be  neither  too  hard  nor  too  soft. 
The  best  tooth-powders  are  made  from  cuttle-fish,  pre- 
pared chalk,  and  orris-root  commingled  together  in  equal 
quantities. 

Simple  means  of  removing  Tartar  from  tub 
Teeth. — In  these  summer  months,  tartar  mav  be  efi*ectu- 
ftlly  removed  from  the  teeth,  by  partaking  daily  of 
strawberries. 

Tooth  Powder. — Powdered  orris-root,  J  an  ounce; 


RECEIPTS.  313 

powdered  charcoal,  2  ounces,  powdered  leruvian  bark, 
1  ounce ;  prepared  chalk,  J  an  ounce ;  oil  of  bergamot, 
or  lavender,  20  drops.  These  ingredients  must  be  well 
worked  up  in  a  mortar,  until  thoroughly  incorporated. 
This  celebrated  tooth-powder  possesses  three  essential 
virtues,  giving  an  odorous  breath,  cleansing  and  purify- 
ing the  gums,  and  preserving  the  enamel;  the  last  rarely 
found  in  popular  tooth-powders. 

TooTH-PowDER. — One  of  the  best  tooth-powders  that 
can  be  used  may  be  made  by  mixing  together  IJ  ounces 
prepared  chalk,  J  ounce  powder  of  bark,  and  J  ounce  of 
camphor. 

A  CHEAP  BUT  GOOD  TooTH-PowDER. — Cut  a  slice  of 
bread  as  thick  as  may  be,  into  squares,  and  burn  in  the 
fire  until  it  becomes  charcoal,  after  which  pound  in  a 
mortar,  and  sift  through  a  fine  muslin ;  it  is  then  ready 
for  use. 

Cheap  and  invaluable  Dentifrice. — Dissolve  2 
ounces  of  borax  in  three  pints  of  water ;  before  quite 
cold,  add  thereto  one  tea-spoonful  of  tincture  of  myrh, 
and  one  table-spoonful  of  spirits  of  camphor ;  bottle  the 
mixture  for  use.  One  wine-glass  of  the  solution,  added 
to  half  a  pint  of  tepid  water,  is  sufficient  for  each  appli- 
cation. This  solution,  applied  daily,  preserves  and 
beautifies  the  teeth,  extirpates  all  tartarous  adhesion, 
produces  a  pearl-like  whiteness,  arrests  decay,  and  in- 
duces a  healthy  action  in  the  gums. 

Invaluable  Dentifrice. — Dissolve  two  ounces  of 
borax  in  three  pints  of  boiling  water ;  before  quite  cold, 
add  one  tea-spoonful  of  tincture  of  myrrh,  and  one  table- 
gpoonful  of  spirits  of  camphor ;  bottle  the  mixture  foi 


S14  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

use.     One  wine-glassful  of  this  solution,  added  to  half  a 
pint  of  tepid  water,  is  sufficient  for  each  application. 

FOR    THE    HAIH. 

Loss  OP  Hair. — The  most  simple  remedy  for  loss  of 
hair,  is  friction  to  the  scalp  of  the  head,  using  for  the 
purpose  an  old  tooth-brush,  or  one  of  which  the  bristles 
have  been  softened  by  soaking  in  boiling  water.  The 
shape  of  the  instrument  adapts  it  to  be  inserted  readily 
and  effectually  between  the  hair,  where  it  should  be 
rubbed  backwards  and  forwards  over  the  space  of  an 
inch  or  so  at  a  time.  In  addition  to  the  friction,  which 
should  be  used  once  or  twice  a  day,  the  head  may  be 
showered  once  a  day  with  cold  water,  carefully  drying  it 
with  soft,  spongy  towels. 

Pomatum. — Take  of  white  mutton  suet  4  pounds, 
well  boiled  in  hot  water,  (3  quarts,)  and  washed  to  free 
it  from  salt.  Melt  the  suet,  when  dried,  with  IJ  pounds 
of  fresh  lard,  and  2  pounds  of  yellow  wax.  Pour  into 
an  earthen  vessel,  and  stir  till  it  is  cold ;  then  beat  into 
it  30  drops  of  oil  of  cloves,  or  any  other  essential  oil 
whose  scent  you  prefer.  If  this  kind  of.  pomatum  is  too 
hard,  use  less  wax. 

At  times  numbers  of  loose  hairs  come  away  in  the 
brushing  or  combing.  Such  cases  as  these  will  generally 
be  found  remedial.  Wilson  recommends  women  with 
rfhort  hair  to  dip  their  heads  into  cold  water  every  morn- 
ing, and  afterwards  apply  the  brush  until  a  glow  of 
warmth  is  felt  all  over  the  scalp.  Those  who  have  long 
hair  are  to  brush  it  till  the  skin  beneath  becomes  red, 
when  a  lotion  is  to  be  applied,  as  here  specified. 


RECEIPTS.  ^15 

Eau  ie  Cologne 2  oz. 

Tincture  of  Cantharides i  oz. 

Oil  of  Nutmegs i  drachm. 

Oil  of  Lavender 10  drops. 

To  be  well  mixed  together. 

Another  is  composed  of : — 

Mezercon  bark  in  small  pieces 1  oz. 

Horse-Radish  root  in  small  pieces 1  oz. 

Boiling  distilled  Vinegar }  pint. 

Let  this  infusion  stand  for  a  week,  and  then  strain  througl 
muslin  for  use. 

If  irritating  to  the  skin,  these  lotions  can  be  made 
weaker,  or  less  frequently  applied  than  might  otherwise 
be  necessary.  Either  of  them,  or  distilled  vinegar  alone, 
may  be  rubbed  into  a  bald  patch  with  a  tooth-brush. 
The  same  lotions  may  also  be  used  if  the  hair  is  disposed 
to  become  gray  too  early ;  as  they  invigorate  the  appa- 
ratus situated  beneath  the  skin,  and  enable  it  to  take  up 
coloring  matter.  Dyeing  of  the  hair  is  a  practice  which 
ought  never  to  be  resorted  to.  Those  who  are  unwilling  or 
unable  to  discontinue  the  practice  of  applying  some  kind 
of  dressing  to  the  hair,  should,  at  least,  content  them- 
selves with  a  simple,  yet  good  material.  The  best  olive 
oil  is  most  suitable  for  the  purpose,  scented  with  otto  of 
roses  or  bergamot ;  the  latter,  as  many  persons  know,  is 
the  essence  of  a  species  of  mint.  The  same  scents  may 
also  be  used  for  pomatum,  which  should  be  made  of  per- 
fectly pure  lard,  or  marrow. 

H/^TR  Oils,  &c. — When  used  moderately,  oils,  oint- 
ments, &c.,  tend  to  strengthen  the  hair,  especially  when 
it  "s  naturally  dry      When  used  in  excess,  however,  thej 


H16  ladies'  book  of  etiqueiib. 

clog  the  pores,  prevent  the  escape  of  the  natural  secre- 
tions, and  cause  the  hair  to  wither  and  fall  off.  The  va- 
rieties of  "  oils,"  "  Greases,"  "  ointments,"  rivaling  each- 
other  in  their  high  sounding  pretensions,  which  are  daily 
imposed  upon  public  credulity,  are  interminable.  Wo 
add'one  or  two  of  the  most  simple. 

For  Thickening  the  Hair. — To  one  ounce  of  Palma 
Christi  oil,  add  a  sufficient  quantity  of  bergamot  or  lav- 
ender to  scent  it.  Apply  it  to  the  parts  where  it  is  most 
need(  d,  brushing  it  well  into  the  hair. 

An  Ointment  for  the  Hair. — Mix  two  ounces  of 
bear's  grease,  half  an  ounce  of  honey,  one  drachm  of 
laudanum,  three  drachms  of  the  powder  of  southernwood, 
three'  drachms  of  the  balsam  of  Peru,  one  and  a  half 
drachms  of  the  ashes  of  the  roots  of  bulrushes,  and  a 
small  quantity  of  the  oil  of  sweet  almonds. 

Macassar  Oil. — It  is  said  to  be  compounded  of  the 
following  ingredients : — To  three  quarts  of  common  oil, 
add  half-a-pint  of  spirits  of  wine,  three  ounces  of  cinna- 
mon powder,  and  two  ounces  of  bergamot;  heat  the 
whole  in  a  large  pipkin.  On  removing  from  the  fire,  add 
three  or  four  small  pieces  of  alkanet  root,  and  keep  the 
vessel  closely  covered  for  several  hours.  When  cool,  it 
may  be  filtered  through  a  funnel  lined  with  filtering 
paper. 

Whether  oils  are  used  or  not,  the  hair  ought  night  and 
morning  to  be  carefully  and  elaborately  brushed.  This 
is  one  of  the  best  preservatives  of  its  beauty. 

The  following  is  recommended  as  an  excellent  Hair 
Oil : — Boil  together  half-a-pint  of  port  wine,  one  pint 
»nd  a-half  of  sweet  oil,  and  half-a-pound  of  green  south- 


RECEIPTS.  317 

Wnwood.  Strain  the  mixture  through  a  linen  rag  several 
times;  adding,  at  the  last  operation,  two  ounces  of 
bear*s  grease.  If  fresh  southernwood  is  added  each  time 
it  passes  through  the  linen,  the  composition  will  be  im- 
proved. 

Pomade  Victoria. — This  highly-praised  and  excel- 
lent pomade  is  made  in  the  following  way — and  if  so 
made,  will  be  found  to  give  a  beautiful  gloss  and  softness 
to  the  hair : — Quarter  of  a-pound  of  honey  and  half-an- 
ounce  of  bees'  wax  simmered  together  for  a  few  minutes 
and  then  strain.  Add  of  oil  of  almonds,  lavender,  and 
thyme,  half-a-drachm  each.  Be  sure  to  continue  stirring 
till  quite  cold,  or  the  honey^  and  wax  will  separate. 

Lemon  Pomatum. — Best  lard,  two  pounds  ;  suet,  half- 
a-pound ;  dissolve  with  a  gentle  heat,  and  mix  them  well 
together.  Then  add  four  ounces  of  orange-flower  water, 
and  four  ounces  of  rose-water,  and  mix  them  well  to- 
gether before  adding,  or  they  will  separate.  Having 
done  this,  add  a  quarter  of  an  ounce  of  essence  of  lemon ; 
half-a-drachm  of  musk,  and  half-a-drachm  of  oil  of 
thyme. 

To  COLOR  Pomatum. — Yellow,  by  palm  oil  or  annatto ; 
red,  by  alkanet  root ;  and  green,  by  guaiacum,  or  the 
green  leaves  of  parsley. 

Bandoline  for  the  Hair,  (a  French  Keceipt). — 
To  one  quart  of  water  put  J  ounce  of  quince  pips,  boil 
it  nearly  an  hour,  stirring  it  well,  strain  it  through  a  fine 
muslin,  let  it  stand  twenty-four  hours,  and  then  add 
fourteen  drops  of  the  essential  oil  of  almonds.  A  des- 
sert-spoonful of  brandy  may  be  added,  if  required  ta 
keep  a  long  time. 


318  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Bandoline  for  the  Hair. — Take  of  castor  oil,  twc 
Dunces ;  spermaceti,  one  drachm ;  oil  of  bergamot,  one 
drachm ;  mix  with  heat  and  strain  ;  then  beat  in  six 
drops  otto  of  roses.  If  wished  colored,  add  half-a- 
drachm  of  annatto. 

Another. — I  furnish  you  with  an  excellent  form  of 
Bandoline,  much  more  quickly  made  than  others.  Have 
a  small  packet  of  powdered  gum  dragon  by  you,  and 
when  you  require  any  fresh  bandoline,  take  a  tea-spoon- 
ful of  the  powder,  and  pour  enough  of  boiling  water  on 
it  to  make  a  small  bottle  full.     Scent  with  otto  of  roses. 

CuRLiNa  Fluid. — Place  two  pounds  of  common  soap, 
cut  small,  into  three  pints  .of  spirits  of  wine,  with  eight 
ounces  of  potash,  and  melt  the  whole,  stirring  it  with  a 
clean  piece  of  wood.  Add,  on  cooling,  essence  of  amber, 
vanilla,  and  neroli,  of  each  quarter  of  an  ounce.  The 
best  method  of  keeping  ringlets  in  curl,  is  the  occasional 
application  of  the  yolk  of  an  egg,  and  the  hair,  after- 
wards, well  washed  in  lukewarm  water.  Apply  the  egg 
with  a  tooth  or  hair-brush. 

FOR  the  lips. 
Vert  excellent  Lip-Salve. — Take  four  ounces  of 
of  butter,  fresh  from  the  churn,  cut  it  small,  put  it  into 
a  jar,  cover  it  with  good  rose-water,  and  let  it  remain 
for  four  or  five  days ;  then  drain  it  well,  and  put  it  into 
A  small  and  very  clean  saucepan,  with  one  ounce  of 
spermaceti,  and  one  of  yellow  beeswax  sliced  thin,  a 
quarter  of  an  ounce  of  bruised  alkanet  root,  two  drachms 
of  gum  benzoin,  and  one  of  storax,  beaten  to  powder, 
\ialf  an  ounce  of  loaf  sugar,  and  the  strained  juice  of  a 


ii::cE[PTS.  819 

Jioderate  sized  lemon.  Simmer  thcee  gently,  keeping 
them  stirred  all  the  time,  until  the  mixture  looks  very 
clear,  and  sends  forth  a  fine  aromatic  odour ;  then  strain 
it  through  a  thin  doubled  muslin,  and  stir  to  it  from 
twelve  to  twenty  drops  of  essential  oil  of  roses,  and  pom 
it  into  small  gallipots,  from  which  it  can  easily  be  turned 
out  when  cold,  and  then  be  rubbed  against  the  lips, 
which  is  the  most  pleasant  way  of  using  it,  as  it  is  much 
firmer  than  common  lip-salve,  and  will  be  found  more 
healing  and  infinitely  more  agreeable.  When  butter 
cannot  be  had  direct  from  the  churn,  any  which  is  quite 
fresh  may  be  substituted  for  it,  after  the  salt  has-been 
well  washed  and  soaked  out  of  it,  by  working  it  with  a 
strong  spoon  in  cold  water,  in  which  it  should  remain  for 
a  couple  of  days  or  more,  the  water  being  frequently 
changed  during  the  time. 

Rose  Lip-Salve. — 8  ounces  sweet  almond  oil,  4 
ounces  prepared  mutton  suet,  IJ  ounces  white  wax,  2 
ounces  spermaceti,  20  drops  otto ;  steep  a  small  quantity 
of  alkanet  root  in  the  oil,  and  strain  before  using.  Melt 
the  suet,  wax,  and  spermaceti  together,  then  add  the  co- 
loric  oil  and  otto. 

Lip-Salves.^A  good  lip-salve  may  be  made  as  fol- 
lows : — Take  an  ounce  of  the  oil  of  sweet  almonds,  cold 
drawn ;  a  drachm  of  fresh  mutton  suet ;  and  a  little 
bruised  alkanet  root :  and  simmer  the  whole  together  in 
an  earthen  pipkin.  Instead  of  the  oil  of  sweet  almonda 
you  may  use  oil  of  Jasmin,  or  oil  of  any  other  flower 
if  you  intend  the  lip-salve  to  have  a  fragrant  odour. — 2 
Take  a  pound  of  fresh  butter ;  a  quarter  of  a  pound  of 
beeswax ;  four  or  five  ounces  of  cleansed  black  grape% 


820  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

and  about  an  ounce  of  bruised  alkanet  root.  Simmei 
them  together  over  a  slow  fire  till  the  wax  is  wholly  dis- 
solved, and  the  mixture  becomes  of  a  bright  red  color , 
strain,  and  put  it  by  for  use.  3.  Oil  of  almonds, 
spermaceti,  white  wax,  and  white  sugar-candy,  equal 
parts,  form  a  good  white  lip-salve. 

SuPBRiOR  Lip-Salve. — White  wax,  two  and  a  half 
ounces ;  spermaceti,  three  quarters  of  an  ounce ;  oil  of 
almonds,  four  ounces.  Mix  well  together,  and  apply  a 
little  to  the  lips  at  night. 

Another. — A  desert  spoonful  of  salad  oil  in  a  saucer, 
hold  Jt  over  a  candle,  and  drop  melted  wax  over  it  till 
the  oil  is  thinly  covered,  when  they  are  incorporated, 
pour  it  into  boxes. — (Wax  taper  will  do.) 

FOR    CORNS. 

Cure  for  Corns. — Place  the  feet  for  half  an  hour, 
two  or  three  nights  successively,  in  a  pretty  strong  solu- 
tion of  common  soda.  The  alkali  dissolves  the  indurated 
cuticle,  and  the  corn  falls  out  spontaneously,  leaving  a 
small  excavation,  which  soon  fills  up. 

To  REMOVE  Corns. — Get  four  ounces  of  white  diachy- 
lon plaster,  four  ounces  of  shoemaker's  wax,  and  sixty 
drops  of  muriatic  acid  or  spirits  of  salt.  Boil  them  for 
a  few  minutes  in  an  earthen  pipkin,  and  when  cold,  roll 
the  mass  between  the  hands  and  apply  a  little  on  a  piece 
of  white  leather. 

A  CERTAIN  Cure  for  Soft  Corns. — Dip  a  piece  of 
ioft  linen  rag  in  turpentine,  and  wrap  it  round  the  toe 
on  which  the  soft  corn  is,  night  and  morning ;  in  a  feif 


RECEIPTS.  321 

days  the  corn  will  disappear ;  but  the  relief  is  instanta* 
neous. 

PERFUMES. 

To  MAKE  Eau  de  Cologne. — Rectified  spirits  of  wine, 
four  pints ;  oil  of  bergamot,  one  ounce ;  oil  of  lemon, 
half  an  ounce ;  oil  of  rosemary,  half  a  drachm ;  oil  of 
Neroli,  three  quarters  of  a  drachm ;  oil  of  English  lav- 
ender, one  drachm ;  oil  of  oranges,  one  drachm.  Mix 
well  and  then  filter.  If  these  proportions  are  too  large, 
smaller  ones  may  be  used. 

Eau  de  Cologne. — Oil  of  neroli,  citron,  bergamot, 
orange,  and  rosemary,  of  each  twelve  drops ;  cardamom 
seeds,  one  drachm;  spirits  of  wine,  one  pint.  Let  it 
stand  for  a  week. 

Lavender  Water. — Oil  of  lavender,  2  drachms ;  oil 
of  bergamot,  J  drachm ;  essence  of  musk,  1  drachm ; 
i^pirits  of  wine,  13  ounces;  water,  5  ounces.  Let  it 
stand  for  a  week. 

FOR  keeping  the  WARDROBE  IN  ORDER. 

To  Clean  Kid  Gloves. — Make  a  strong  lather  with 
curd  soap  and  warm  water,  in  which  steep  a  small  piece 
of  new  flannel.  Place  the  glove  on  a  flat,  clean,  and 
unyielding  surface — such  as  the  bottom  of  a  dish,  and 
having  thoroughly  soaped  the  flannel  (when  squeezed 
from  the  lather),  rub  the  kid  till  all  dirt  be  removed, 
cleaning  and  resoaping  the  flannel  from  time  to  time. 
Care  must  be  taken  to  omit  no  part  of  the  glove,  by 
turning  the  fingers,  &c.  The,  gloves  must  be  dried  in 
the  sun,  or  before  a  moderate  fire,  ar  d  will  present  tha 
21 


822  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

appearance  of  old  parchment.     When  quite  dry,  they 
must  be  gradually  "  pulled  out,"  and  will  look  new. 

Another. — First  see  that  your  hands  are  clean,  then 
put  on  the  gloves  and  wash  them,  as  though  you  were 
washing  your  hands,  in  a  basin  of  spirits  of  turpentine, 
until  quite  clean ;  then  hang  them  up  in  a  warm  place, 
or  where  there  is  a  good  current  of  air,  which  will  carry 
off  all  smell  of  the  turpentine.  This  method  was  brought 
from  Paris,  and  thousands  of  dollars  have  been  made  by 
it. 

To  Clean  Colored  Kid  Gloves. — Have  ready  on  a 
table  a  clean  towel,  folded  three  or  four  times,  a  saucer 
of  new  milk,  and  another  saucer  with  a  piece  of  brown 
soap.  Take  one  glove  at  a  time,  and  spread  it  smoothly 
on  the  folded  towel.  Then  dip  in  the  milk  a  piece  of 
clean  flannel,  rub  it  on  the  soap  till  you  get  off  a  toler- 
able quantity,  and  then,  with  the  wet  flannel,  commence 
rubbing  the  glove.  Begin  at  the  wrist,  and  rub  length- 
ways towards  the  end  of  the  fingers,  holding  the  glove 
firmly  in  your  right-hand.  Continue  this  process  until 
the  glove  is  well  cleaned  all  over  with  the  milk  and  soap. 
When  done,  spread  them  out,  and  pin  them  on  a  line  to 
dry  gradually.  When  nearly  dry,  pull  them*  out  evenly, 
the  crossway  of  the  leather.  *  When  quite  dry,  stretcb 
them  on  your  hands.  White  kid  gloves  may  also  b€ 
washed  in  this  manner,  provided  they  have  never  been 
cleaned  with  India-rubber. 

*To  Clean  White  or  Colored  Kid  Gloves. — Vni 
the  glove  on  your  hand,  then  take  a  small  piece  of  flan 
nel,  dip  it  in  camphene,  and  well,  but  gently,  rub  it  ovei 
ihe  gl'^ve,  taking  care  not  to  make  it  too  wet,  whea  thi 


RECEIPTS.  823 

4irt  is  removed,  dip  tlie  flannel  (or  another  piece  if  that 
is  become  too  dirty)  into  pipe-clay  and  rub  it  over  the 
glove ;  take  it  ofi^,  and  hang  it  up  in  a  room  to  dry,  and 
in  a  day  or  two  very  little  smell  will  remain  ;  and  if 
done  carefully  they  will  be  almost  as  good  as  new.  I« 
colored  ones,  if  yellow,  use  gamboge  after  the  pipe-clay, 
and  for  other  colors  match  it  in  dry  paint. 

To  Clean  White  Kid  G-loves. — Stretch  the  gloves 
on  a  clean  board,  and  rub  all  the  soiled  or  grease-spots 
with  cream  of  tartar  or  magnesia.  Let  them  rest  an 
hour.  Then  have  ready  a  mixture  of  alum  and  Fuller'a 
earth  (both  powdered),  and  rub  it  all  over  the  gloves 
with  a  brush  (a  clean  tooth-brush  or  something  similar), 
and  let  them  rest  for  an  hour  or  two.  Then  sweep  it  all 
off,  and  go  over  them  with  a  flannel  dipped  in  a  mixture 
of  bran  and  finely  powdered  whiting.  Let  them  rest  an- 
other hour ;  then  brush  off  the  powder,  and  you  will  find 
them  clean. 

To  Clean  Light  Kid  Gloves. — Put  on  one  glove, 
and  having  made  a  strong  lather  with  common  brown 
soap,  apply  it  with  a  shaving  brush,  wiping  it  off  imme- 
diately with  a  clean  towel,  then  blow  into  the  glove,  and 
leave  it  to  dry. 

An  excellent  Paste  for  Gloves. — ^Liquor  of  am- 
monia half  an  ounce,  chloride  of  potash  ten  ounces,  curd 
Boap  one  pound,  water  half  a  pint ;  dissolve  the  soap  in 
the  water,  with  a  gentle  heat,  then  as  the  mixture  cools, 
fitir  in  the  other  ingredients.  Use  it,  by  rubbing  it  ove» 
the  gloves  until  the  dirt  is  removed. 

To  Wash  Thread  Lace.— Rip  off  the  lace,  carefully 
pick  out  the  loose  bits  of  thread,  and  roll  the  lace  v«ry 


824  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

Bmoothly  and  securely  round  a  clean  black  bottle,  pre- 
viously covered  with  old  white  linen,  sewed  tightly  on. 
Tack  each  end  of  the  lace  with  a  needle  and  thread,  tc 
keep  it  smooth  ;  and  be  careful  in  wrapping  not  to  crumple 
or  foil  in  any  of  the  scallops  or  pearlings.  After  it  is  on 
the  bottle,  take  some  of  the  best  sweet  oil,  and  with  a 
clean  sponge  wet  the  lace  thoroughly  to  the  inmost  folds. 
Have  ready  in  a  wash-kettle,  a  strong  cold  lather  of  clear 
water  and  white  Castile  soap.  Fill  the  bottle  with  cold 
water,  to  prevent  its  bursting,  cork  it  well,  and  stand  it 
upright  in  the  suds,  with  a  string  round  the  neck  secured 
to  the  ears  or  handle  of  the  kettle,  to  prevent  its  knock- 
ing about  and  breaking  while  over  the  fire.  Let  it  boil 
in  the  suds  for  an  hour  or  more,  till  the  lace  is  clean  and 
white  all  through.  Drain  off  the  suds,  and  dry  it  on  the 
bottle  in  the  sun.  When  dry,  remove  the  lace  from  the 
bottle  and  roll  it  round  a  wide  ribbon-block ;  or  lay  it 
in  long  folds,  place  it  within  a  sheet  of  smooth,  white, 
paper,  and  press  it  in  a  large  book  for  a  few  days. 

To  Wash  a  White  Lace  Veil. — Put  the  veil  into  a 
strong  lather  of  white  soap  and  very  clear  water,  and 
let  it  simmer  slowly  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour.  Take  it 
out  and  scjueeze  it  well,  but  be  sure  not  to  rub  it.  Rinse 
it  in  two  cold  waters,  with  a  drop  or  two  of  liquid  blue 
in  the  last.  Have  ready  some  very  clear  and  weak  gum- 
arabic  water,  or  some  thin  starch,  or  rice-water.  Pass 
the  veil  through  it,  and  clear  it  by  clapping.  Then 
Btietch  it  out  even,  and  pin  it  to  dry  on  a  linen  cloth, 
making  (he  edge  as  straight  as  possible,  opening  out  all 
the  scallops,  and  fastening  each  with  pins.     When  dry, 


RECEIPTS.  326 

lay  a  piece  cf  thin  muslin  smoothly  over  it,  and  iron  it 
on  the  wrong  side. 

To  Wash  a  Black  Lace  Veil. — Mix  bullock's  gall 
with  sufficient  hot  water  to  make  it  as  warm  as  you  can 
bear  your  hand  in.  Then  pass  the  veil  through  it.  It 
must  be  squeezed,  and  not  rubbed.  It  will  be  well  to 
perfume  the  gall  with  a  little  musk.  Next  rinse  the  veil 
through  two  cold  waters,  tinging  the  last  with  indigo. 
Then  dry  it.  Have  ready  in  a  pan  some  stiifening  made 
by  pouring  boiling  water  on  a  very  small  piece  of  glue. 
Put  the  veil  into  it,  squeeze  it  out,  stretch  it,  and  clap 
it.  Afterwards  pin  it  out  to  dry  on  a  linen  cloth,  mak- 
ing it  very  straight  and  even,  and  taking  care  to  open 
and  pin  the  edge  very  nicely.  When  dry,  iron  it  on  the 
wrong  side,  having  laid  a  linen  cloth  over  the  ironing- 
blanket.  Any  article  of  black  lace  may  be  washed  in 
this  manner. 

To  Clean  White  Satin  and  Flowered  Silks. — 1. 
Mix  sifted  stale  bread  crumbs  with  powder  blue,  and  rub 
it  thoroughly  all  over,  then  shake  it  well,  and  dust  it 
with  clean,  soft  cloths.  Afterwards,  where  there  are  any 
gold  or  silver  flowers,  take  a  piece  of  crimson  ingrain 
velvet,  rub  the  flowers  with  it,  which  will  restore  them  to 
their  original  lustre.  2.  Pass  them  through  a  solution 
of  fine  hard  soap,  at  a  hand  heat,  drawing  them  through 
the  hand.  Rinse  in  lukewarm  water,  dry  and  finish  by 
pinning  out.  Brush  the  flossy  or  bright  side  with  a 
clean  clothes-brush,  the  way  of  the  nap.  Finish  them 
by  dipping  a  sponge  into  a  size,  made  by  boiling  isin- 
glass in  water,  and  rub  the  wrong  side.  Rinse  out  a 
lecond  time,  and  brush,  and  dry  near  a  fire,  or  in  a  warm 


826         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

rojm.  Silks  may  be  treated  in  the  same  way,  but  not 
brushed. 

To  Clean  White  Silk. — Dissolve  some  of  the  best 
curd  soap  in  boiling  water,  and  when  the  solution  is  as 
hot  as  the  hand  can  bear,  pass  the  silk  through  it 
thoroughly,  handling  it  gently,  not  to  injure  the  texture. 
If  there  are  any  spots,  these  may  be  rubbed  carefully 
until  they  disappear.  The  article  must  then  be  rinsed 
iu  lukewarm  water. 

To  Iron  Silk. — Silk  cannot  be  ironed  smoothly,  so  as 
to  press  out  all  the  creases,  without  first  sprinkling  it 
with  water,  and  rolling  it  up  tightly  in  a  towel,  letting  it 
rest  for  an  hour  or  two.  If  the  iron  is  in  the  least  too 
hot,  it  will  injure  the  color,  and  it  should  first  be  tried 
on  an  old  piece  of  the  same  silk. 

To  Wash  Silk. — Half  a  pint  of  gin,  four  ounces  of 
soft  soap,  and  two  ounces  of  honey,  well  shaken ;  then 
rub  the  silk,  with  a  sponge  (wetted  with  the  above  mix- 
ture), upon  a  table,  and  wash  through  two  waters,  in 
which  first  put  two  or  three  spoonfuls  of  ox  gall,  which 
will  brighten  the  colors,  and  prevent  their  running.  The 
silks  should  not  be  wrung,  but  well  shaken  and  hung  up 
smoothly  to  dry^  and  mangled  while  damp.  The  writer 
has  had  green  silk  dresses  washed  by  this  receipt,  and 
they  have  looked  as  well  as  new. 

To  Renovate  Black  Silk. — Slice  some  uncooked 
potatoes,  pour  boiling  water  on  them ;  when  cold  sponge 
fche  right  side  of  the  silk  with  it,  and  iron  on  the  wrong. 

To  Keep  Silk. — Silk  articles  should  not  be  kept 
folded  in  white  paper,  as  the  chloride  of  lime  used  in 
bleaching  the  paper  will  probably  inpair  the  color  of  the 


RECEIPTS.  827 

silk.  Brown  or  blue  paper  ia  bitter — the  yellowish 
smooth  India  paper  is  best  of  all.  Silk  intended  for  a 
dress  should  not  be  kept  in  the  house  long  before  it  is 
made  up,  as  lying  in  the  folds  will  have  a  tendency  to 
impair  its  durability  by  causing  it  to  cut  or  split,  particu- 
larly if  the  silk  j^as  been  thickened  by  gum.  We  knew 
an  instance  of  a  very  elegant  and  costly  thread-lace  veD 
being  found,  on  its  arrival  from  France,  cut  into  squares 
(and  therefore  destroyed)  by  being  folded  over  a  paste- 
board card.  A  white  satin  dress  should  be  pinned  up  in 
blue  paper,  with  coarse  brown  paper  outside,  sewed  to- 
g^her  at  the  edges. 

To  Restore  Velvet. — When  velvet  gets  plushed 
from  pressure,  holding  the  reverse  side  over  a  basin  of 
boiling  water  will  raise  the  pile,  and  perhaps  it  may  also 
succeed  in  the  case  of  wet  from  rain. 

To  Iron  Velvet.— Having  ripped  the  velvet  apart, 
damp  each  piece  separately,  and  holding  it  tightly  in 
both  hands,  stretch  it  before  the  fire,  the  wrong  side  of 
the  velvet  being  towards  the  fire.  This  will  remove  the 
creases,  and  give  the  surface  of  the  material  a  fresh  and 
new  appearance.  Velvet  cannot  be  ironed  on  a  table, 
for,  when  spread  out  on  a  hard  substance,  the  iron  will 
not  go  smoothly  over  the  pile. 

To  Clean  Ermine  and  Minivar  Fur. — Take  a  piece 
of  soft  flannel,  and  rub  the  fur  well  with  it  (but  remem- 
ber that  the  rubbing  must  be  always  against  the  grain); 
then  rub  the  fur  with  common  flour  until  clean.  Shake 
it  well,  and  rub  again  with  the  flannel  till  all  the  flour  is 
out  of  it.  I  have  had  a  Minivar  boa  for  four  years.  It 
has  never  been  cleaned  with  anything  but  flour,  and  if 


328  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

not  in  the  least  injured  by  the  rubh'ng.  It  was  a  school 
companion  who  told  me  that  her  aunt  (a  Russian  lady) 
always  cleaned  her  white  furs  with  flour,  and  that  they 
looked  quite  beautiful.  It  has  one  advantage — the  lining 
does  not  require  to  be  taken  out,  and  it  only  requires  a 
little  trouble.  Ermine  takes  longer  than  Minivar.  The 
latter  is  very  easily  done. 

To  Perfume  Linen. — Rose-leaves  dried  in  the  sha  le, 
or  at  about  four  feet  from  a  stove,  one  pound ;  cloves, 
carraway-seeds,  and  allspice,  of  each  one  ounce ;  pound 
in  a  mortar,  or  grind  in  a  mill ;  dried  salt,  a  quarter  of 
a  pound ;  mix  all  these  together,  and  put  the  compound 
into  little  bags. 

To  Restore  Scorched  Linen. — Take  two  onions, 
peel  and  slice  them,  and  extract  the  juice  by  squeezing 
or  pounding.  Then  cut  up  half  an  ounce  of  white  soap, 
and  two  ounces  of  fuller's  earth ;  mix  with  them  the 
onion  juice,  and  half  a  pint  of  vinegar.  Boil  this  com- 
position well,  and  spread  it,  when  cool,  over  the  scorched 
part  of  the  linen,  leaving  it  to  dry  thereon.  Afterwards 
wash  out  the  linen. 

To  Whiten  Linen  that  has  turned  Yellow. — Cut 
up  a  pound  of  fine  white  soap  into  a  gallon  of  milk,  and 
hang  it  over  the  fire  in  a  wash-kettle.  When  the  soap 
has  entirely  melted,  put  in  the  linen,  and  boil  it  half  an 
hour.  Then  take  it  out ;  have  ready  a  lather  of  soap 
and  warm  water;  wash  the  linen  in  it,  and  then  rinse  it 
through  two  cold  waters,  with  a  very  little  blue  in  the 
last. 

To  Wash  China  Crape  Scarfs,  &c.  — If  the  fabric 
be  good,  these  articles  of  dress  can   be  washed  as  fre* 


RECEIPTS.  82!l 

qucntly  as  njay  be  required,  and  no  diminution  of  their 
beauty  will  be  discoverable,  even  when  the  various  shadei 
of  green  have  been  employed  among  other  colors  in  the 
patterns.  In  cleaning  them,  make  a  strong  lather  of 
boiling  water — suffer  it  to  cool ;  when  cold,  or  nearly  s », 
wash  the  scarf  quickly  and  thoroughly,  dip  it  immedi- 
ately in  cold  hard  water,  in  which  a  little  salt  has  been 
tkrown  (to  preserve  the  colors),  rinse,  squeeze,  and  hang 
it  out  to  dry  in  the  open  air ;  pin  it  at  its  extreme  edge 
to  the  line,  so  that  it  may  not  in  any  part  be  folded 
together ;  the  more  rapidly  it  dries,  the  clearer  it  will 
be. 

To  Clean  Embroidery  and  Gold  Lace.  —For  this 
purpose  no  alkaline  liquors  are  to  be  used ;  for  while 
they  clean  the  gold,  they  corrode  the  silk,  and  change 
its  color.  Soap  also  alters  the  shade,  and  even  the  spvj- 
cies  of  certain  colors.  But  spirit  of  wine  may  be  used 
without  any  danger  of  its  injuring  either  color  or  quality; 
and,  in  many  cases,  proves  as  efifectual  for  restoring  the 
lustre  of  the  gold  as  the  corrosive  detergents.  But, 
though  spirits  of  wine  is  the  most  innocent  material  em- 
ployed for  this  purpose,  it  is  not  in  all  cases  proper. 
The  golden  covering  may  be  in  some  parts  worn  off;  or 
the  base  metal  with  which  it  has  been  alloyed  may  be 
corroded  by  the  air,  so  as  to  leave  the  particles  of  the 
gold  disunited ;  while  the  silver  underneath,  tarnished  to 
a  yellow  hue,  may  continue  a  tolerable  color  to  the  whole, 
so  it  is  apparent  that  the  removal  of  the. tarnish  would 
be  prejudicial,  and  make  the  lace  or  embroidery  less  like 
gold  than  it  was  before.  It  is  necessary  that  care  shoul  1 
be  taken. 


880  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

To  Rem  )ve  Stains  br  Wine  or  Fruit  from  Table- 
Linen. — A  wine  stain  may  sometimes  be  removed  by 
rubbing  it,  while  wet,  with  common  salt.  It  is  said,  also, 
that  sherry  wine  poured  immediately  on  a  place  where 
port  wine  has  been  spilled,  will  prevent  its  leaving  a 
stain.  A  certain  way  of  extracting  fruit  or  wine  stains 
from  table-linen  is  to  tie  up  some  cream  of  tartar  in  the 
Btained  part  (so  as  to  form  a  sort  of  bag),  and  then  to 
put  the  linen  into  a  lather  of  soap  and  cold  water,  and 
boil  it  awhile.  Then  transfer  it  wet  to  a  lukewarm  suds, 
wash  and  rinse  it  well,  and  dry  and  iron  it.  The  stains 
will  disappear  during  the  process.  Another  way,  is  to 
mix,  in  equal  quantities,  soft  soap,  slackened  lime,  and 
pearl-ash.  Rub  the  stain  with  this  preparation,  and  ex- 
pose the  linen  to  the  sun  wdth  the  mixture  plastered  on 
it.  If  necessary,  repeat  the  application.  As  soon  as 
the  stain  has  disappeared,  wash  out  the  linen  immedi- 
ately, as  it  will  be  injured  if  the  mixture  is  left  in  it. 

Stain  Mixture. — Take  an  ounce  of  sal-ammoniac 
(or  hartshorn)  and  an  ounce  of  salt  of  tartar — mix  them 
well,  put  them  into  a  pint  of  soft  water,  and  bottle  it  for 
use,  keeping  it  very  tightly  corked.  Pour  a  little  of 
this  liquid  into  a  saucer,  and  wash  in  it  those  parts  of  a 
white  article  that  have  been  stained  with  ink,  mildew, 
fruit,  or  red  wine.  When  the  stains  have,  by  this  pro- 
cess, been  removed,  wash  the  article  in  the  usual  man- 
ner. 

Chemical  Renovating  Balls— for  taking  out  grease, 
paint,  pitch,  tar,  from  silks,  stuffs,  linen,  woolen,  car- 
pets, hats,  coats,  &c.,  without  fading  the  color  or  injur- 
ing the  cloth: — J  ounce  of  fuller's  earth,  |  ounce  of 


RECEIPTS.  8ftl 

pipe-clay,  1  ounce  salt  of  tartar,  1  ounce  beef  gall,  1 
ounce  spirits  of  wine.  Pound  the  hard  parts  and  mix 
the  ingredients  well  together.  Wet  the  stain  with  cold 
water,  rub  it  well  with  this  ball,  then  sponge  it  with  a 
wet  sponge  and  the  stain  will  disappear. 

To  Prevent  Colored  Things  from  Running. — Boil 
}  pound  of  soap .  till  nearly  dissolved,  then  add  a  small 
piece  of  alum  and  boil  with  it.  Wash  the  things  in  this 
lather,  but  do  not  soap  them.  If  they  require  a  second 
water  put  alum  to  that  also  as  well  as  to  the  rinsing  and 
blue  water.     This  will  preserve  them. 

To  Remove  Stains  from  Mourning  dresses. — Take 
a  good  handful  of  fig-leaves,  and  boil  them  in  two  quarts 
of  water  until  reduced  to  a  pint.  Squeeze  the  leaves 
and  put  the  liquor  into  a  bottle  for  use.  The  articles, 
whether  of  bombasin,  crape,  cloth,  &c.,  need  only  be 
rubbed  with  a  sponge  dipped  in  the  liquor,  when  the  ef- 
fect will  be  instantly  produced.  If  any  reason  exists  to 
prevent  the  substance  from  being  wetted,  then  apply 
French  chalk,  which  will  absorb  the  grease  from  the 
finest  texture  without  injury. 

To  Shrink  New  Flannel. — ^New  flannel  should  al- 
ways be  shrunk  or  washed  before  it  is  made  up,  that  it 
aiay  be  cut  out  more  accurately,  and  that  the  grease 
which  is  used  in  manufacturing  it  may  be  extracted. 
First,  cut  off  the  list  along  the  selvage  edges  of  the 
whole  piece.  Then  put  it  into  warm  (not  boiling)  water, 
without  soap.  Begin  at  one  end  of  the  piece,  and  rub 
it  with  both  hands  till  you  come  to  the  other  end ;  this 
is  to  get  out  the  grease  and  the  blue  with  which  new 
white   flannel    is   always   tinged.     Then   do   the  same 


882         LADIES  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

through  another  wator.  Rinse  it  through  a  clean,  luke» 
warm  water ;  wring  it  lengthways,  and  stretch  it  well 
In  hanging  it  out  on  a  line  do  not  suspend  it  in  festoons, 
but  spread  it  along  the  line  straight  and  lengthways.  If 
dried  in  festoons,  the  edges  will  be  in  great  scollops, 
making  it  very  difficult  to  cut  out.  It  must  be  dried  in 
the  sun.  When  dry  let  it  be  stretched  even,  clapped 
with  the  hands,  and  rolled  up  tight  and  smoothly,  till 
wanted. 

Gum  Arabic  Starch. — Get  two  ounces  of  fine,  white 
gum  arabic,  and  pound  it  to  powder.  Next  put  it  into 
a  pitcher,  and  pour  on  it  a  pint  or  more  of  boiling  water 
(according  to  the  degree  of  strength  you  desire),  and 
then,  having  covered  it,  let  it  set  all  night.  In  the 
morning,  pour  it  carefully  from  the  dregs  into  a  clean 
bottle,  cork  it,  and  keep  it  for  use.  A  table-Spoonful 
of  gum  water  stirred  into  a  pint  of  starch  that  has  been 
made  in  the  usual'  manner,  will  give  to  lawns  (either 
white  or  printed)  a  look  of  newness  to  which  nothing 
else  can  restore  them  after  washing.  It  is  also  good 
(much  diluted)  for  thin  white  muslin  and  bobinet. 

To  Wash  White  Thread  Gloves  and  Stockings. — 
These  articles  are  so  delicate  as  to  require  great  care  in 
washing,  and  they  must  not  on  any  account  be  rubbed. 
Make  a  lather  of  white  soap  and  cold  water,  and  put  it 
into  a  saucepan.  Soap  the  gloves  or  stockings  well,  put 
them  in,  and  set  the  saucepan  over  the  fire.  When  they 
have  come  to  a  hard  boil,  take  them  ofi",  and  when  cool 
enough  for  your  hand,  squeeze  them  in  the  water. 
Having  prepared  a  fresh  cold  lather,  boil  them  again  in 
ibat.     Then  take  the  paij  oflf  the  fire,  and  squeeze  them 


RECEIPTS.  888 

well  again,  after  which  they  can  be  stretched,  dried,  and 
then  ironed  on  the  wrong  side. 

To  Clean  Silk  Stockings. — First  wash  the  stock- 
ings in  the  usual  manner,  to  take  out  the  rough  dirt. 
After  rinsing  them  in  clean  water,  wash  them  well  in  a 
fresh  soap  liquor.  Then  make  a  third  soap  liquor,  which 
color  with  a  little  stone-blue  ;  then  wash  the  stockings 
once  more,  take  them  out,  wring  them,  and  particularly 
dry  them.  Now  stove  them  with  brimstone,  and  draw 
on  a  wooden  leg  two  stockings,  one  upon  the  other,  ob- 
serving that  the  two  fronts  or  outsides  are  face  to  face. 
Polish  with  a  glass  bottle.  The  two  first  liquors  should 
be  only  lukewarm,  but  the  third  as  hot  as  you  can  bear 
your  hand  in.  Blondes  and  gauzes  may  be  whitened  in 
the  same  manner,  but  there  should  be  a  little  gum  put  in 
the  last  liquor  before  they  are  stoved. 

To  Take  out  Mildew  from  Clothes. — Mix  some 
soft  soap  with  powdered  starch,  half  as  much  salt,  and 
the  juice  of  a  lemon,  lay  it  on  the  part  with  a  brush,  let 
it  be  exposed  in  the  air  day  and  night,  until  the  stain 
disappears.  Iron-moulds  may  be  removed  by  the  salt 
of  lemons.  Many  stains  in  linen  may  be  taken  out  by 
dipping  linen  in  sour  buttermilk,  and  then  drying  it  in 
the  sun  ;  afterwards  wash  it  in  cold  water  several  times. 
Stains  caused  by  acids  may  be  removed  by  tying  somt 
pearlash  up  in  the  stained  part ;  scrape  some  soap  in 
cold,  soft  water,  and  boil  the  linen  till  the  stain  is  out. 

Bi  EACHiNa  Straw. — Straw  is  bleached,  and  straw 
bonnets  cleaned,  by  putting  them  into  a  cask  into 
which  a  few  brimstone  matches  are  placed  lighted.  The 
fumes  of  the  sulphur  have  the  effect  of  destroying  th« 


884  ladies'  book  of  etiquette. 

color,  or  whitening  the  straw.  The  same  effect  may  b« 
produced  by  dipping  the  straw  into  the  chloride  of  lim« 
dissolved  in  water. 

To  Wash  Mouseline-de-Laine. — Boil  a  pound  of 
rice  in  five  quarts  of  water,  and,  when  cool  enough,  wash 
in  this,  using  the  rice  for  soap.  Have  another  quantity 
ready,  but  strain  the  rice  from  this  and  use  it  with  warm 
water,  keeping  the  rice  strained  off  for  a  third  washing 
which,  at  the  same  time,  stiffens  and  also  brightens  tht 
colors. 

To  Bleach  a  Faded  Dress. — Wash  the  dress  iu  hot 
suds,  and  boil  it  until  the  color  appears  to  be  gone ;  then 
rinse  it  and  dry  it  in  the  sun.  Should  it  not  be  rendered 
white  by  these  means,  lay  the  dress  in  the  open  air,  and 
bleach  it  for  several  days.  If  still  not  quite  white,  re- 
peat the  boiling. 

Indelible  Marking  Ink,  without  preparation. — 
IJ  drachms  nitrate  of  silver  (lunar  caustic),  1  ounce  dis- 
tilled water,  J  ounce  strong  mucilage  of  gum  arabic,  | 
drachm  liquid  ammonia ;  mix  the  above  in  a  clean  glass 
bottle,  cork  tightly,  and  keep  in  a  dark  place  till  dis- 
solved, and  ever  afterwards.  Directions  for  use : — Shake 
the  bottle,  then  dip  a  clean  quill  pen  in  the  ink,  and 
write  or  draw  what  you  require  on  the  article ;  immedi- 
ately hold  it  close  to  the  fire,  (without  scorching)  or  pass 
a  hot  iron  over  it,  and  it  will  become  a  deep  and  indel- 
ible black,  indestructible  by  either  time  or  acids  of  any 
description. 

Mixture  for  Removing  Ink  Stains  and  Iron- 
Moulds. — Cream  of  tartar  and  salts  of  sorrel,  one 
ounce  each ;  mix  well,  and  keep  in  a  stoppered  bottle. 


RECEIPTS.  .    836 

To  Wash  Hair-Brushes. — Never  use  soap.  Take  a 
piece  of  soda,  dissolve  it  in  warm  water,  stand  the  brush 
in  it,  taking  care  that  the  water  only  covers  the  bristles; 
it  will  almost  immediately  become  white  and  clean; 
stand  it  to  dry  in  the  open  air  with  the  bristles  down 
wards,  and  it  will  be  found  to  be  as  firm  as  a  new  brush. 
To  Clean  Head  and  Clothes-Brushes. — Put  a 
table-spoonful  of  pearl-ash  into  a  pint  of  boiling  water. 
Having  fastened  a  bit  of  sponge  to  the  end  of  a  stick, 
dip  it  into  the  solution,  and  wash  the  brush  with  it; 
carefully  going  in  among  the  bristles.  Next  pour  over 
it  some  clean  hot  water,  and  let  it  lie  a  little  while. 
Then  drain  it,  wipe  it  with  a  cloth,  and  dry  it  before  the 
fire. 

Lola  Montez  in  her  "Arts  of  Beauty"  gives  the  fol- 
lowing receipts  for  complexion,  hair,  &c : — 

For  the  Complexion. — "Infuse  wheat-bran,  well 
sifted,  for  four  hours  in  white  wine  vinegar,  add  to  it  five 
yolks  of  eggs  and  two  grains  of  ambergris,  and  distill 
the  whole.  It  should  be  carefully  corked  for  twelve  or 
fifteen  days,  when  it  will  be  fit  for  use. 

"  Distill  two  handfuls  of  jessamine  flowers  in  a  quart 
of  rose-water  arid  a  quart  of  orange-water.  Strain 
through  porous  paper,  and  add  a  scruple  of  musk  and  • 
Bcruple  of  ambergris." 

To  GIVE  Elasticity  of  Form. — 

*  Fat  of  the  stag  or  deer 8  o«. 

Florence  oil  (or  olive  oil) 6  oa. 

Virgin  wax .' 3  oz. 

Musk.. 1  grain. 

White  brandy J  pint. 

Role-witer 4  oz. 


336  LADIES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

"  Put  the  fat,  oil,  and  wax  into  a  well  glazed  earthen 
vessel,  and  let  them  simmer  over  a  slow  fire  until  they 
are  assimilated ;  then  pour  in  the  other  ingredients,  and 
let  the  whole  gradually  cool,  when  it  will  be  fit  for  use. 
There  is  no  doubt  but  that  this  mixture,  frequently  and 
thoroughly  rubbed  upon  the  body  on  going  to  bed,  will 
impart  a  remarkable  degree  of  elasticity  to  the  muscles. 
In  the  morning,  after  this  preparation  has  been  used, 
the  body  should  be  thoroughly  wiped  with  a  sponge, 
dampened  with  cold  water." 

For  the  Complexion. — "Take  equal  parts  of  the 
seeds  of  the  melon,  pumpkin,  gourd,  and  cucumber, 
pounded  till  they  are  reduced  to  powder ;  add  to  it  suffi- 
cient fresh  cream  to  dilute  the  flour,  and  then  add  milk 
enough  to  reduce  the  whole  to  a  thin  paste.  Add  a 
grain  of  musk,  and  a  few  drops  of  the  oil  of  lemon. 
Anoint  the  face  with  this,  leave  it  on  twenty  or  thirty 
minutes,  or  overnight  if  convenient,  and  wash  off  with 
warm  water.  It  gives  a  remarkable  purity  and  bright- 
ness to  the  complexion. 

"  Infuse  a  handful  of  well  sifted  wheat  bran  for  four 
hours  in  white  wine  vinegar ;  add  to  it  five  yolks  of  eggs 
and  two  grains  of  musk,  and  distill  the  whole.  Bottle 
it,  keep  carefully  corked  fifteen  days,  when  it  will  be  fit 
for  use.  Apply  it  over  night,  and  wash  in  the  morning 
with  tepid  water." 

ToOTH-PoWDER. — 

"  Prepared  chalk 6  oi. 

Cassia  powder i  oa. 

Orris-root 1  oi. 


RECEPTS.  337 

"  These  should  be  thoroughly  mixed  and  used  once  a 
day  with  a  firm  brush. 

"  A  simple  mixture  of  charcoal  and  cream  of  tartar  ia 
an  excellent  tooth-powder." 

To  Whiten  the  Hand. — "  Both  Spanish  and  French 
women — those,  at  least,  who  are  very  particular  to  mako 
the  most  of  these  charms — are  in  the  habit  of  sleeping 
in  gloves  which  are  lined  or  plastered  over  with  a  kind 
of  pomade  to  improve  the  delicacy  and  complexion  of 
their  hands.  This  paste  is  generally  made  of  the  fol- 
lowing ingredients : — 

"  Take  half  a  pound  of  soft  soap,  a  gill  of  salad  oil, 
an  ounce  of  mutton  tallow,  and  boil  them  till  they  are 
thoroughly  mixed.  After  the  boiling  has  ceased,  but 
before  it  is  cold,  add  one  gill  of  spirits  of  wine,  and  a 
grain  of  musk. 

"  If  any  lady  wishes  to  try  this,  she  can  buy  a  pair  of 
gloves  three  or  four  sizes  larger  than  the  hand,  rip  them 
open  and  spread  on  a  thin  layer  of  the  paste,  and  then 
sew  the  gloves  up  again.  There  is  no  doubt  that  by 
wearing  them  every  night  they  will  give  smoothness  and 
a  fine  complexion  to  the  hands.  Those  who  have  the 
means,  can  send  to  Paris  and  purchase  them  ready 
made. 

"  If  the  hands  are  inclined  to  be  rough  and  to  chapi 
the  following  wash  will  remedy  the  evil. 

Lemon-juice 3  oz. 

White  wine  vinegar 3  oz. 

White  brandy i  pint," 

For  the  Hair. — "  Beat  up  the  white  of  four  eggg 
into  a  froth,  and  rub  tbat  thoroughly  in  close  to  the 
22 


888  LALIES*   BOOK   OF   ETIQUETTE. 

roots  of  the  hair.  Leave  it  to  dry  on.  Then  wash  the 
head  and  hair  clean  with  a  mixture  of  equal  parts  of  rum 
and  rose-water." 

"  Honey- Water. — 

"  Essence  of  ambergris 1  dr. 

Essence  of  musk 1  dr. 

Essence  of  bergamot 2  dra 

Oil  of  cloves 15  drops. 

Orange-flower  water 4  oz. 

Spirits  oi  wine 5  oz. 

Distilled  water .4  oz. 

*'  All  these  ingredients  should  be  mixed  together,  and 
left  about  fourteen  days,  then  the  whole  to  be  filtered 
through  porous  paper,  and  bottled  for  use. 

"  This  is  a  good  hair-wash  and  an  excellent  perfume.** 
"  To  Remove  Pimples. — There  are  many  kinds  of 
pimples,  some  of  which  partake  almost  of  the  nature  of 
ulcers,  which  require  medical  treatment ;  but  the  small 
red  pimple,  which  is  most  common,  may  be  removed  by 
applying  the  following  twice  a-day : — 

"  Sulphur  water 1  oi. 

Acetated  liquor  of  ammonia i  ox. 

Liquor  of  potassa 1  gr. 

White  wine  vinegar 2  oz. 

Distilled  water 2  oz." 

"To  Remove  Black  Specks  or  < Fleshworms.'— 
Sometimes  little  black  specks  appear  about  the  base  of 
the  nose,  or  on  the  forehead,  or  in  the  hollow  of  the  chin 
which  ar^  called  *  fleshworms,*  and  are  occasioned  by  co- 
agulated lymph  that  obstructs  the  pores  of  the  skin. 


RECEIPTS. 

They  may  be  squeezed  out  by  pressing  the  skin,  and  ig- 
norant persons  suppose  them  to  be  little  -worms.  They 
are  permanently  removed  by  washing  with  warm  water, 
and  severe  friction  with  a  towel,  and  then  applying  a  Lt* 
tic  of  the  following  preparation : — 

"Liquor  of  potassa .1  oi. 

Cologne .....2  oz. 

White  brandy 4  oz. 

"  The  warm  water  and  friction  alone  are  sometimes 
sufficient.'* 

"  To  Remove  Freckles. — The  most  celebrated  com- 
pound ever  used  for  the  removal  of  freckies  was  called 
Unction  de  Maintenon,  after  the  celebrated  Madame  de 
Maintenon,  mistress  and  wife  of  Louis  XIV.  It  is  made 
as  follows : — 

"Venice  soap 1  oi. 

Lemon-juice }  oz. 

Oil  of  bitter  almonds i  oz. 

Deliquidated  oil  of  tartar i  oz. 

Oil  of  rhodium 3  drops 

*'  First  dissolve  the  soap  in  the  lemon-juice,  then  add 
the  two  oils,  and  place  the  whole  in  the  sun  till  it  ac- 
quires the  consistence  of  ointment,  and  then  add  the  oil 
of  rhodium.  Anoint  the  freckly  face  at  night  with  thi* 
unction,  and  wash  in  the  morning  with  pure  water,  or, 
if  convenient,  with  a  mixture  of  elder-flower  and  rose- 
water. 

"To  Remove  Tan. — An  excellent  wash  to  remoye 
tan  is  called  Creme  de  TEnclos,  and  is  made  thus : 


840         LADIES*  BOOK  OF  ETIQUETTE. 

"New  milk i  pint. 

Lemon-juice k  oz. 

White  braudy i  oz. 

"Boil  the  Tvhole,  and  skim  it  clear  from  all  scum* 
Use  it  night  and  morning. 

**  A  famous  preparation  with  the  Spanish  ladies  for  ro- 
moving  the  effects  of  the  sun  and  making  the  complexion 
bright,  is  composed  simply  of  equal  parts  of  lemon-juice 
and  the  white  of  eggs.  The  whole  is  beat  together  in  a 
varnished  earthen  pot,  and  set  over  a  slow  fire,  and 
stirred  with  a  wooden  spoon  till  it  acquired  the  consist- 
ence of  soft  pomatum.  This  compound  is  called  Pom- 
made  de  Seville.  If  the  face  is  well  washed  with  rice- 
water  before  it  is  applied,  it  will  remove  freckles,  and 
give  a  fine  lustre  to  the  complexion.*' 


/873 


